Deep Connections – How to Speak Your Partner’s Love Language

Deep Connections – How to Speak Your Partner’s Love Language

Kate: [00:00:00] And I think it’s hard for us sometimes to even understand, like, you know, how do we feel love? How do we define it?

Eric: Because I think in all relationships, whether it’s our personality type or the love languages, we tend to give people what we want.

Rob: Knowing what your love languages are, even as a single person, allows you to now, as you engage in or explore a relationship, right from the beginning, you can set the foundation of what matters for you.

Wendy: and he drove all the way across town in rush hour over an hour, uh, just to come and give me a hug and, and take me for a walk. And there didn’t have to be any conversation about it. It was just, that’s, he just knew that’s what I needed. In

Kate: today’s podcast, we are talking about five love languages. Excited for this show. We’re excited for every show, but this one we’ve talked Quite a bit about doing for like a while we

LR: have. Yeah.

Kate: And so [00:01:00] I’m excited. We’re doing it. The four of us too, because I think really what we want to dive into is talking about it, how it shows up in couples.

So five love languages. What are they?

Eric: Uh, well, there’s, uh, physical touch is one of them.

Wendy: Yep. Words of affirmation. Yeah.

Eric: Yeah. Quality

Rob: time.

Wendy: Yeah.

Eric: Acts of service.

Wendy: Yeah.

Eric: Which one are we missing? Gifts. Gifts. Gift giving. Good job. I didn’t

Kate: even prep you for the quiz. No. And,

Eric: and at the risk, this show is either going to be a really great conversation or the most fucking awkward one you’ve ever had.

Kate: Right. Yeah.

Eric: Yeah. Um. Yeah. So we’re warning you ahead of time, folks.

Kate: So the five love languages came born out of Gary Chapman and I think in the early 90s and it was really just a way of framing, um, how an individual likes to receive love. And I think it’s hard for us sometimes to even understand, like, you know, how do we feel love?

How do we define it? And what I love about this [00:02:00] way of sort of framing it is that it kind of puts it into five buckets and it helps you figure out, you know, What means the most to you when someone’s loving on you? And so, yeah, sorry,

Rob: because it’s, I love the fact that it puts the focus helps if you know, for me, understanding what Wendy’s love languages are, I can shift from communicating or interacting in the way that I like to receive it to someone else.

It’s no different than the disc stuff that we do. When we often talk about personality assessments, when you shift your communication style to how the other person receives. So in you want to express love effectively using something like love languages, and there’s so many different models out there, but using those models is absolutely an incredible way to connect with what really resonates with your partner.

Kate: Yeah. And I think what we’ll talk about today is just like. How do you communicate that to your partner, right? So first up is what, what do you, you know, what do you need? And then it’s also like, how do I then communicate that to my

Eric: partner? Cause I think in, [00:03:00] in all relationships, whether it’s our personality type or the love languages, we tend to give people what we want.

So for example, if words of affirmation, our love language that you really respond well to, you’re going to be, that’s probably what you give out constantly. And That works great if your partner or the people in your life respond well to words of affirmation. But if they’re speaking a different language, if they receive it differently, it doesn’t have the same impact.

And I think that’s often why there’s miscommunication, misunderstanding, uh, in relationships is we’re like, well, I can’t, I’m giving you something here, but it’s not landing the same way. But I’m not getting it. present to the fact that it’s not landing the same way and then resentment can build in and you kind of like, well, I’m trying, but you’re not seeing it.

So I think getting clear on what your partner needs again, uh, and, and, and likewise, they knowing what you need, you can give each other what you need more of that anyway. Uh, rather than what you, what you

Rob: want. And I think it’s important to, I mean, we recognize that not everyone listening to our podcast [00:04:00] is in a relationship.

Uh, so if you’re single and you’re listening in or watching in, don’t just tune out now and go, well, this one’s not for me, knowing what your love languages are, even as a single person allows you to now, as you engage in or explore a relationship right from the beginning, you can set the foundation of what matters for you.

Eric: Yeah. 100%. Yeah. And Chapman wrote about it. He actually wrote his original book. 1992 was the five love languages. Uh, he’s since written book one is devoted to, uh, uh, the five love languages as a single person, because it’s not just for romantic relationships. Obviously, we’re going to be focusing in on that angle today, because we’re talking about it from a couple’s perspective, but whether it’s with your kids, your coworkers, your friends, understanding again, what the other person responds to give it.

Puts you in a position to serve their need and build a much stronger bond, much stronger rapport, regardless of the nature of the relationship itself.

Kate: I love that. So before we dive into, cause we’re going to go into each one of those five, which I think is great and talk about what they are and what they mean [00:05:00] for us, but really at the foundation of it, it’s, we’re really talking about like love.

So I’d love to know from each of you, when’s a time that you kind of really felt super loved and connected with your partner? I’m looking at Rob. Well, you just got married. You just got married. Yeah,

Rob: let me just, uh, I’ll just talk with my hand like this, uh, for a little bit. Yeah,

LR: yeah.

Rob: Um, I mean, now really it took me a

Eric: second to clue in what you were

Rob: doing.

Yeah, you’re showing off the ring. I’m showing off my ring.

LR: I’m a little slow. It must be the cough syrup. Exactly. Yeah, that’s right.

Rob: Now, I know that this episode, of course, we, we, yeah, we, we got married like four minutes ago. Uh, uh, It’s been a minute. It’s interesting. You said at the beginning that this might be a really awkward, uh, uh, episode.

And part of the awkwardness was in our prep work, we, we, uh, you know, insider information, we prep for these conversations and we have notes in front of us, hence the iPads. Uh, uh, but when I was [00:06:00] prepping for it, I was like, holy shit, like a moment. How do I come up with a moment? And because I, and, and I think the way I responded to this, it was every frigging time.

Wendy looks at me almost every time. Wendy looks almost every time, except when you

LR: fucked up. That’s a very different look to me with my nose. It was like, well, I feel loved, but also a little feared. It’s a

Rob: little cold. No, but one, I think for me, how, Uh, certainly one of the ways that that has shown up is, um, in those moments of self doubt in those moments of where I just need to be heard or I, I’m just struggling with something, um, she really is, uh, my biggest cheerleader and my biggest fan and, and that shows up and in those moments where when I am, Uh, having a conversation with Wendy, uh, there are, [00:07:00] there are, there are times where I feel like I can do anything, uh, because of what I’m feeling from her and the support I’m getting from her.

Uh, and I think that’s probably when I feel loved the most. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Yeah. I

Kate: love that.

Wendy: I came up with a moment, but to your point, there’s, there’s lots of moments. Uh, I remember one day in particular, I was having a very challenging day with my daughters after they had, uh, you know, said that they no longer wanted to live with me and they wanted to live with their dad, uh, full time and just the, you know, bucket of tears and just navigating through that that conversation as they packed up their stuff and literally left that day.

Uh, I’m getting all yucky just thinking about it. Anyways, um, but I, I remember texting Rob and he drove all the way across town in rush hour over an hour Uh, just to come and give me a hug and, and take me for a walk and there didn’t have to be any conversation about it. It was just, that’s, he just knew that’s what I needed and [00:08:00] yeah,

Eric: you’ve never driven across town for me.

Yeah. I’ve never taken me for a walk. So,

Rob: so that’s, that’s not true. I drove to Syracuse. Oh,

LR: my God. You totally did. You, you fucker. Well, to be fair, you didn’t drive across town. You drove across the fucking province. I drove to another country. You

Eric: did. That’s when I lost my passport. Yeah. Yeah. You had to come get me.

He’s literally, as we’re crossing back around the, uh, border guard says to Rob, so how long have you been in the States? He says, oh, about 10 minutes. Yeah. Yeah. You’re right. I take that back. I take that back.

LR: Yeah. How about you guys?

Kate: What, me? You’re looking at me? No, I think for me it’s, it’s, it’s not one moment, but it was like a few of these moments that kind of over time and it was that you just let me show up exactly how I am with no judgment.

There’s never a moment where I can’t tell you something where I’m like, [00:09:00] you’re gonna leave and walk out. So that place I have never had before. So for me, um, and it’s, it’s shown up in weird pockets, like, and I joke about this, but when I let you in my basement and you know, my basement and that like, it’s weird things like that.

And then there’s a lot, obviously like heavier, emotional things that I’ve shared about my past. And you just show up and you just love on me for me. And so that for me is everything.

Eric: Yeah, absolutely. Um, uh, for me it was like, I think, I think like all of you, like it’s hard to kind of pinpoint to it’s more like a, a trajectory, I guess, an arc.

But, um, I do recall when we were first getting to know each other and, uh, we were taking our time and you had, Signaled very early on, like, I need to take my time. I need to go slow. And I was okay with that. That was actually a good thing for me too, to slow down. And I remember the moment, uh, we were at your kitchen counter

Kate: at the island

Eric: and I finally told you that I love you.

I didn’t lead with that. That took some time to get there. And I, [00:10:00] um, was fully prepared. This was not about me putting pressure on you to reciprocate in that moment. It was even if you’re not ready, if you had said, thank you, I’m still not there yet. I need to communicate that to you. And in that moment when you did reciprocate, uh, I remember I, I was like, nervous as all hell.

So I’ve never

Kate: seen Eric nervous. Oh my God. He got there. He was all like, I’m like, what’s going on? So

LR: gosh, gee, I, you know, like I, you know, I, I dig you like, no,

Eric: no, no, I didn’t do that.

Kate: Oh,

Eric: shock. Yeah. But that was a, that was a real moment for me. Yeah. It was a beautiful moment.

Kate: I love that. Now that I’m all warm inside.

Okay, let’s dive into the first one. So words of affirmation. So this is really like using words to affirm, but say,

LR: well, did you look that up?

Kate: But using words to support your partner, like I believe in [00:11:00] you. I think you’re beautiful. I love you because. So can we talk about kind of how that shows up for you and how do you find that How does that feel? Or give an example of when your partner like does that and speaks kindly or says something to support you.

How does that show up for you? How does that make you feel?

Rob: There’s two different feelings that come to play for me. Uh, first of all, uh, one of my core values, uh, centers around the notion of respect and, and it’s a really important thing for me to show respect to people. Like to be respected and, and often how Wendy communicates to me, the, the words and the language she used really demonstrates that the, uh, the highest steam that she holds is she encourages and she says those words.

And so. Obviously makes me feel incredibly good, feels me, it makes me, uh, again, gives me that sense of I can run through a brick wall or whatever I can do. I’ve got a superpower, uh, thanks to what she says. It’s also at times incredibly awkward.

LR: Uh, and,

Rob: and that’s because I’m one, I’m not used to it. It’s [00:12:00] not been something that I’ve experienced in the past, uh, to any level or degree that, that Wendy does it.

Uh, and there are times where she’ll be saying something and I almost want to be okay, okay, okay, enough, enough. Right. And, and even my. My, my dis style being an ass, it’s like, okay, vert that attention off myself. And I want to kind of, but I, I don’t do that. I, I, I want, cause I do want to receive it cause I know the energy it gives.

So it’s a dual feeling of this is absolutely amazing, but okay. Enough. Yeah. Right. I’ve tried to figure that part out

Wendy: for me, kind of going back to that positive self worth and self esteem. It’s something I’ve struggled with. Um, and, and. Having the ability to feel, to feel very seen and heard on very specific things that I struggle with.

So I’ve talked in the past about, uh, imposter syndrome, um, moments of self doubt and, and sometimes the word, oftentimes the words that Rob says, or even um, Not the words he says, but just his body language just makes me feel very [00:13:00] seen and heard, um, almost like a lifeline that then allows me to have that courage to move forward without any shame or embarrassment.

Kate: Yeah. I mean, it’s the same for me. Very similar. It’s that it’s feeling heard more for me. And we’ve talked about this, but like, you know, with I, something big is happening in my life. Like you’re the first person to be like, how to go, how’s it, or like, is it going to be like, you’re always, it’s, it’s new for me to say something.

And then for, for my person to understand that there’s emotion behind that, like there’s this big thing. It’s not like, you’re like, good luck, go knock them dead. It’s like, babe, I’m thinking about you. Like it’s understanding the connection behind it. And so feeling heard when you see. Say something, um, for me is, is everything.

Mm-Hmm. Yeah.

Eric: This one is an interesting one for me because I, there was a time in my life where this would’ve been my number one. Yeah. And although I still, it still would be in my top three, it’s shifted. Mm-Hmm. . And I think a big part of [00:14:00] that is because, um, uh, there was a hole that. Uh, words of affirmation filled for me because of my, uh, the low self esteem I carried and the deep shame I carried for so long.

And you’ll remember the words to this song, the song by Dean Lewis called half a man. I quoted them back in episode number three, which was really became when I came across a song really was the, um, I’m not going to sing it. Don’t worry. Oh no. That’s too bad. You want me to sing it? Sure. Sing it. No, we’re not going to sing it.

But he, yeah, he talks about, he says, I’ve been running from my demons, afraid to look behind, running. I’ve been running from myself, afraid of what I’d find. And how could I give you all of me when I’m only half a man? Um, Yeah. Cause I’m a sinking ship that’s burning. So let go of my hand. How can I give you all of me when I’m only half a man?

So for me, I think for so long, uh, it was really unfair to the people around me to put this expectation to plug that hole. Um, and having made that shift now, uh, moving more and more into radical self acceptance. And I think that’s always [00:15:00] an ongoing work in progress, right? I don’t know if you ever fully get there, but, uh, making progress that I still resonate deeply with that.

It still speaks to me. But it’s, it’s gone from, it just resonates to from, I need it, uh, to feel whole to, it just speaks to me deeply now about appreciation, safety, and being heard. You

Rob: know, I, I love that you bring that up and you say it that way because it’s important. And maybe this is something after, after we kind of go through the five, we unpack this or we unpack it now is this idea that when we, to put on someone else, the need for any of these languages.

Yeah. To feel complete, to be who you are, it’s so unfair to another human being, right, to put that on. It’s unfair on the relationship. It’s unhealthy to the relationship, and yet so many people do that. We need to find, for example, my worth is not based on, or dependent on, who I am. the words that Wendy brings to me.

It has to be internal. Now, what [00:16:00] she says can build on that and can be a reminder. You know, I didn’t know we were quoting songs today, but like our, our, like the song that I, we played at the, it was playing when I asked her to marry me. It’s, It’s, uh, you know, here comes my girl. And, uh, the whole premise of the song is, you know, this guy who’s, you know, when everything is going tough or when everything is when I’m feeling down or when I’m feeling discouraged or I’m looking at the world and wondering where’s the hope or anything like that.

Here comes my girl. Uh, and I think certainly that’s. Where she brings that to me, but it’s not the completing of me. It’s not the fixing of me or filling the hole or the gap. And that’s so important for couples and for singles to recognize is don’t lean on somebody else to fill the, the,

Eric: the, the missing piece.

The, you know, the language and even the, uh, in many, uh, wedding ceremonies and all the, the, the romance stuff that’s out there, there’s so much bullshit in that language. You know, the, the two shall become [00:17:00] one as though what you’re half a person until you meet your person. It should be the one plus one becomes two, but somehow we’ve made it mean that true romance finding your person, uh, you complete me again.

And that language is just so flawed because it indicates that somehow you. You can’t be complete without that, and I think when you do the work to figure that out and move more and more in a radical self acceptance, you show up more fully in all of your relationships and are able to love from a much more centered place as opposed to a place of need and want.

Kate: Yeah, and it kind of ties into You know, sometimes you don’t feel like saying the words of affirmation. So let’s maybe talk about that. Like, what are some of the challenges you face when maybe you’re, you’re not feeling it?

Wendy: Right? Well, I’m a master wall builder. I’ve been building. I’m a craftsman. I’m a bricklayer.

Literally though, I use [00:18:00] the best bricks and mortar and I build walls and It has taken a lot of uncomfortable I’ve got a

Eric: project at my house, you could help me with that.

Wendy: I didn’t know this. I’m not providing you an active service for that. But it’s taken a lot of intentional work on my own, but as well as together.

So I can still easily fall into the trap of not communicating if I’m upset or irritated. And we laugh sometimes because I’m still learning to use my big girl words to chip away at the brick. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. and mortar that I’ve built over the years. We’re

Kate: similar in that way. So if I don’t feel a hundred percent connected or safe to my partner, it’s, it’s hard for me to be vulnerable.

And I think you’re vulnerable when you’re giving words of affirmation. So if I’m saying, you know, I’m so in love with you because that’s a vulnerable thing for me. And if I don’t feel fully connected, it’s not genuine. Those words of [00:19:00] affirmation will be like, I think you’re neat. I think

Eric: this one’s actually giving words of affirmation is not a difficult one for me.

I think I’ve been a, an encourager from a, like the young, like as long as I can remember saying nice things to people, building them up, um, encouraging them. Being loving on you through words of affirmation is easy. You make it easy, but it’s easy. That flows readily for me. But like you guys, I’m still working on, uh, having those conversations about when it’s not like that, when there’s something more difficult to say.

And part of me, it continues to be the challenge. It’s one of the scripts, one of the major live scripts that I’m still very much working on. This is still very much a work in progress. But, um, uh, when others do that, when I feel like I’ve become needy, um, and I need other, like people are giving me the support.

There’s a point where I like it and then I resist it [00:20:00] because, um, I’ve got this major script that I’m still working on. If I’m a burden and I don’t want to be a burden to other people and I will literally push them away or I will, I will back off, uh, because I, I feel very comfortable being in the supporting position, affirming someone else.

I’m not as comfortable when the roles are reversed.

Rob: Yeah, yeah, I that’s probably a lot. I certainly would echo those words of the ability. It does come. I’m pretty comfortable with it when it’s awkward. It’s it’s because the logic side of my brain is kind of triggered and I’m feeling silly saying something right and and or all day.

They know, um, and it’s being more proactive. Proactive with that, uh, with Wendy, it’s easy. Uh, I think it’s, uh, in other relationships. So sometimes, uh, she is great with communicating with my girls, for example. Uh, and sometimes she’ll be like, Oh, I’ve been talking to, or, you know, cheering on, or one of the girls is doing something and she’s remembered it.

She’s whether she made a note or [00:21:00] she just mentally remembered it. And she’ll so excited for what you’re doing today. And I’ll be like, Oh damn. Yeah, that’s right. And, and, but I don’t. I, it, it’s not something that often will come naturally for me to be doing that for others at that same degree, uh, and you know, but that’s what you’re learning.

Yeah.

Kate: Amazing. Um, okay. Bit of a, a twist, but I’m going to ask you guys, no, you’re prepared for the twist, but it’s fine. So you get three words, only three words. I’m going to hold you to three words. Three words.

Eric: Three, three words to describe. Can you do hyphens?

Kate: No, no hyphens. three words.

Eric: Okay.

Kate: To define your partner.

I’m looking at Rob. Rob, you can look at Wendy. It’s not prescriptive at all.

Rob: Not at all.

Kate: Yeah.

Rob: Wow. This is like out of the blue. Without even thinking about it. Let me, let me think of what comes to mind right like Spur of the moment, I would say, um, no, [00:22:00] definitely empathetic would be right at the, at the top of that list.

Certainly. Uh, I see it in Wendy. Wendy is an empath and, and feels, uh, and, and just, I see that not just, you know, In the context of our relationship, but in the context of how she sees just about anybody, that deep feeling for things, I’m conscious of it to the point of being careful. If I share bad news, all friend or somebody connected to somebody, you know, it can really affect her in that sense.

I incredibly loyal, uh, would be the, the second word that I’d use you certainly as somebody that is just absolutely, um, um, committed to the people, uh, that you are in relationship with. That you surround, you’re incredibly a loyal person. Um, I think just incredibly generous, um, kind, loving. I’m throwing up more.

That’s cheating. What did I say? I said, we’re going to, sorry. It’s just

Eric: going to go from this [00:23:00] awkward break to generously kind. Would you stop?

Wendy: So your, your words, um, that I thought very, very important. But they tie back to, uh, your core values. You are deeply, deeply, deeply loyal, um, uh, exceptionally compassionate. You’re one of the most compassionate humans, um, uh, in the world. Honestly, I’ve ever met, uh, to, to anybody no matter what their walk of life.

Um, and, and generous. Now I also can tie humorous in there, but you think you’re funny, but you’re hilarious. God,

LR: those are,

Wendy: yeah, you’re funny. You’re funny, funny to tell. Those are my three. I felt really insecure in that

LR: moment. That was four that she gave, but that she give four. Okay, well, I’m

Kate: gonna give three.

You’re

LR: gonna give three.

Kate: So my three for you, and I’m not looking at my notes at all. No, but they, I struggled with this by the way. I found it really, really hard [00:24:00] to, to pull three because there’s, I probably have like 20 for you, but I’m going to use three because those were the rules. Okay. So for me, you’re kind.

loving and dependable and I know that third one like for some people might be like that’s an odd one but I had three different meetings for that but you’re so consistent and you’re you’re always someone I can count on and that is like a superpower. Your heart is as big as they get. Um, everyone who knows you knows that and your kindness, your kindness is overwhelming.

So those, those are my three.

Eric: baby. I’m going to, I’m going to channel my karma out now. So I’m going to, I’m going to, I’m not going to bend the rules. I’m going to go back to say something about the last question that I missed because it’s relevant. One, when I was talking about the difficulty I have depending on others, leaning on [00:25:00] others, you’re helping me reshape that significantly because you’re always a safe place to land and always so supportive and it was hard as well to just find three words, but the ones that I felt.

Uh, at least in this moment, um, uh, not in this very moment, but as when I was preparing, um, one is, is generous, like so generous with your time, your energy, um, your love, uh, like generosity, just beyond generosity, uh, courageous, um, your unwillingness to settle, your willingness to take risks, and even when it’s Fucking hard to follow your heart is something I deeply, deeply admire about you.

Um, and fun. You’re fun as fuck, like, uh, so much laughter, so many amazing memories. Um, we just celebrated two years together, uh, last week. Yeah. And, uh, the amount of fun memories that we have created, amazing memories that we created in that short amount of time is just insane. So. [00:26:00]

Kate: Okay. That was one. We’re going to pick up the speed a little bit.

Um, I got a

Rob: little mushy there. I got

Kate: a little, We’re going to

Rob: people are throwing up right now. Our producer left the room. I think he’s back,

Kate: Steve. Um, okay. Acts of service. So this is like doing something. Nice for your partner, but it’s also kind of doing it in a way that helps them out, right? So like folding the laundry taking the dog for a walk Picking up groceries, whatever that looks like in your household So maybe let’s share a time or some memory where you remember when someone Specifically your partner, um, there was an act of service and how that felt for you?

Wendy: Well, I’ll tell you what wasn’t. An act of service is uhoh is, is when he put the ketchup in the fridge for the first time because ,

Eric: but that’s where the ketchup goes. Oh,

Wendy: don’t even get me started. Belongs in the fridge, right? No. Cold. It’s like,

Eric: do dishes go in the sink or do they stay on the [00:27:00] counter?

Wendy: No, that’s completely different.

Eric: Right? Like, that’s another question. Is it pie or is it cake? Like, we all know it’s pie. She loses this battle every

Rob: time she brings it up. No,

Wendy: but in my mind, I’ve won and that’s all that really matters. She thinks

Rob: that open ketchup goes back in the cover. It’s not ketchup. It’s

Kate: ketchup. It’s ketchup. Can we just We’re off of

LR: Catch catch, catch up.

Oh, I don’t catch up. When you and I talk after a few days, we catch up. Oh. , when we’re, when we’re putting shit on our, our, on our hamburger. Yeah. We catch anyways. Catch catch up. Gonna be

Rob: belongs in the fridge, says right on the we, we

Wendy: don’t want this show to be refrigerate half long. Says we’re gonna do a two part drill.

We’re gonna part show . Uh, okay. No, in all seriousness, when he, he took care of me after my hysterectomy. Mm. And. I say that because we had, we hadn’t been dating for that long. And so major surgery like that, where anyways, I don’t need to get into the details, but like, I’m wearing a diaper basically. But I just, it was just [00:28:00] very compassionate.

He didn’t make it weird or anything like that. And I just, I, I just felt very loved.

Rob: Yeah. In my mind, it was, I was making a weird. Yeah, baby, get

LR: that diaper off.

Eric: You are a sick, sick man. Like, I love you, but you’re a sick, sick man. I got to change gears. I got, I got, I got to do mine. You’re a group over there. I’m going to do mine. One of the things I deeply appreciate about Kate is how she keeps us so organized. So details are not. I’m, I’m, uh, I’m not a details person.

And if I don’t write shit down, if I don’t put it in my calendar, like, and as I get older for forget about it, I just, I’m not details focused. It’s just not the way my brain is wired. And the two of us, we don’t, we don’t live together. We live in, so we, between the two of us have two households to manage.

And I deeply appreciate, for example, um, uh, you know, leading the charge on organizing the trip. planning all the details and [00:29:00] plans for Gabby’s wedding in the south of France later this year. And when we do, we love to travel. We love to get away. And often you’re leading the charge most of the time on the details.

And that matters so much to me. You’re good at it. Um, and, and I just love that you do that.

Kate: Um, If I pick one example, I love planning, by the way. Um, the, I still remember it. It’s the first time you mowed my lawn. And I literally mean like outside with grass mowing, but

LR: I just want to remember the first time I mowed your lawn.

I didn’t think we’d be talking about this on the show, but since we’re opening up, shall we go into detail?

Rob: I’ll definitely be channeling

LR: Carlisle.

Kate: So there was grass. There’s grass involved. [00:30:00] You’ve gone so far away. Okay. We’re talking actual

Eric: grass. Actual lawn. And lawnmower.

Wendy: Right. Okay. And in her notes, it says it was the beginning of letting someone in.

Sorry. That’s when

LR: she first let me in. This whole segment is going to be gone from the final show. That’s mine.

Kate: Okay. People will laugh. But it is the first time that I emotionally Um, and I’m not going to let you in because we were trying to get somewhere and I remember you’re at my house and I’m like, well, I have to work and then I got to do this and then I got to mow the lawn.

And I was, and you’re like, well, I’ll just mow the lawn for you while you do everything else. And I’m like, no, like I can mow my own lawn. He’s like, I’m aware. I

Eric: remember reminding you that it’s not, I don’t doubt your, your ability to mow the lawn. I just, you’re super busy. I could take that. [00:31:00] We

Kate: do

Wendy: that though as women, right?

Kate: No, I can do it. Yeah. Fine. I got it. And I’ve been doing it alone. for like seven years at that point. So I was like, no, no, I can, I’ll figure it all out. And I remember when you did it and I was like, Whoa, I forgot what it’s like to have a partner and someone that you can.

Rob: Yeah. I love that. I think

Eric: she called me.

I not to not, I’m going to interrupt you because I don’t want to miss this moment. She did comment later that she liked having a yard boy now.

Rob: I

Kate: did. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

Rob: I bet you did . . I really did. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, that you can, uh, move along and let her in . Right. Um, the, but I like that the, the, the sense of the partnership.

Right. And, and I, I would go back to certainly, you know, when it comes to our trips, planning that stuff, the communication with, with the kids, um, so much of that is stuff that she just, she just jumps in and does so well. Uh, and it takes that pressure off. You need to have to do it. Yeah. I love that.

Kate: Okay, so on that, if you could invent an act of service to make your [00:32:00] partner’s life a little better, what would you

Wendy: invent?

Yeah. Someone to do all of his paperwork. Yeah. I just, I think that would just. It’d be amazing. You’re not super organized with paperwork. Like you hate it. You know, your desk kind of gives me a rash sometimes because

LR: there’s stuff everywhere. It’s when we’re mowing the lawn on the desk, you get the rash.

On my rack.

Kate: Wow.

Eric: No, but someone to do all

Wendy: this paperwork.

Kate: Yeah. Like for me, it was literally, I would want someone to help. Yeah. you out, like Eric out so that you don’t get so like in the weeds of everything in your day to day, but you can actually focus on what you love, which is like the ideating and the strategy.

Like if I could like manifest and active service you, that would be it.

Eric: I would, um, well, we recently, uh, one of the things I think I recommend to most [00:33:00] people, if they’ve got the means, is get someone to clean your house for you. I want to talk about like not having to worry about that. And so, uh, we two households, so we have two cleaners and getting you a cleaner just to help with the, the day to day.

But I would add to that, I would add to that, uh, limo service with chauffeur to help you shuttle all the kids around all the various, uh, activities, uh, and the other view, a personal assistant to help you just with a lot of your day to day stuff.

Rob: And it’s funny, the four of us are very much. Wired the same way when it comes to work and all of that, you know, uh, the focus of what we do, which is probably why, what we’re coming up with here is very similar around the personal assistance and everything.

Uh, Wendy’s navigating so many different hats, whether it’s with the, with the gym and, at the house and the, you know, Living Richly and then the real life stuff. There’s so many things that have somebody to help just kind of come in and keep all of that on track and organized can be overwhelming. We should hire

Eric: a virtual assistant, a personal assistant and split them four ways.

Done. [00:34:00]

LR: Okay. We’re now

Eric: accepting donations through Living Richly. Please support our journey. No, I’m just kidding. I’m just kidding. Send money to Rob Dale. No, no. No, Santa to me? No, Santa to Rodney. You look

LR: confused. I’m just waiting for you to finish.

Kate: Okay, we’ll put his

Eric: address in the show notes. I’m

Kate: going to move us along because we’re running out of time here.

Uh, we almost do need two episodes for this. Okay. So the next one, receiving gifts. Um, and I think for all of us, this isn’t like a super high one. It’s not high on our list. Um, but when we talk about receiving gifts, it doesn’t mean that you necessarily Like love getting gifts. It means that you, you really appreciate the thought that went in to the gift.

So

Eric: what a great reframe because I’ve often understood it as, um, more about the gift itself. People appreciate the things that they get. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But when you add to it, it’s more appreciating the thought that went into it that really adds [00:35:00] shed some light on

Rob: it. It does. And yet for me, even that doesn’t yeah.

Raise the appreciation of it. Like if you’re

Kate: going to write them. Yeah, if I was, if

Rob: I was going to rank them, um, receiving gifts versus receiving experiences is yeah, that language alone would shift that one so much for me. I do appreciate more when somebody’s put thought into something that they’ve given me.

Yes, very much. That’s much more meaningful than just a random gift that somebody might do. Um, yeah. But it’s something that is not, it’s, it’s definitely my lowest, um, uh, when I rank all of these and even for me, I, uh, with, with Wendy, I probably do this more than I’ve ever done this with any human being ever is, I put a lot of thought, I, I, I put a lot of pressure on myself to real, I really want her to feel Uh, special from the gift that I give her.

Now neither one of us is that as [00:36:00] high on our list and we often, Christmas, stuff like that, like we don’t do gifts for each other for some of those because for us it’s just, it’s not needed. Let’s just spend time together or whatever. But, but that would be how I approach the receiving gifts one.

Kate: Yeah. Yeah.

And if you were going to give A gift, like what’s something you would put some thought into? Like, what’s a gift that you would, like, how do you go about that, Rob? Like, you’re thinking about it, you’re like, I really want to get something special for one day. What do you, like, what goes on for you in that moment?

Because I think a lot of people struggle when it comes to giving gifts.

Eric: Yeah.

Kate: Like, for me, it’s a It comes

Eric: naturally for you. Well,

Kate: for me, yeah. Yeah. So, I really like giving gifts.

Eric: I know, and you’re, You, you, you are so thoughtful. I know, uh, the most, uh, uh, prize things you’ve ever got me. We were not big on stuff either.

We’re more on experiences too, but, um, are the photo albums you regularly put together, get some professionally printed and, uh, you did, you did one for like our first year together. You did one for Jamaica, our trip to Jamaica. to Jamaica. And, uh, when I had [00:37:00] to give Xena up, which was a, um, an older dog that was really in bad shape and I fostered her for a while, uh, but couldn’t continue to care for her because the level of care she needed was far beyond what I could do.

I remember one of the things you did not long after that she, she made a personalized album, all pictures of Xena, just the thought and attention that goes into that. I don’t think there’s any gift I’ve ever gotten in my entire life that has had the same type of resonance because I know. Uh, the level of care and attention you put into that and the time required to do it.

So always super meaningful for me.

Kate: I love doing them as much. Like I love giving gifts, but really meaningful, thoughtful gifts. I’m not the person who gives you like, There’s a time and a place for a bottle of bubbly or champagne, but if it’s a meaningful gift, to me, that’s something you take your time with.

You think through like, okay, you know, what’s something they’re really passionate about? And then take time to think about what that could look like as a gift. Like, and we’ve talked about this quite a bit. And [00:38:00] so, um, yeah, for me, I love doing it.

Eric: And it’s tricky again, if you’re not, again, I think Part of that is personality style.

The way one is wired. Again, that comes really natural to you. It’s like your superpower. Uh, for me, I have to work at it. I think like you, I have to work at it.

LR: Well,

Eric: I mean, sometimes for ideation, that’s not a bad idea. Like sometimes you just, I do it, Google, right? But early on in our relationship, I asked you what kind of flowers you like.

And I know it’s tulips and lilies are some of your favorite flowers, right? Um, and so regularly gets you flowers that feature those. And I have a great florist who puts together these great modern arrangements. Oh my

Kate: God, this florist is amazing.

Eric: She’s really, really great. Um, but I know one of the things I’ve had to work on and came to realize is, uh, even think, think special days like birthdays and things like that.

For me, they were never a big deal, right? Like they just weren’t, they come and go and you just, you, you kind of give it some notice, but you have one every year, right? And even some holidays, uh, right? Um, and, and realizing [00:39:00] that for you, these moments meant a lot more. Uh, and, and so knowing that now, uh, well, uh, stepping up my game again, this is what is important to her.

I want to serve her need. So even though it’s not important to me or not as important to me, uh, then, you know, I want to serve her. Uh, and, and so I have now reminders months ahead of time in my calendar to prompt me to start thinking about it, start planning it. Cause I’m also, like I said, I’m not a planner.

I’m an anti planner. I’m like, Oh, what do you want to do tonight? You know, I’m like, That’s how I show up, but that sometimes gets me in trouble. And I so appreciate

Kate: that because that’s the effort. And so when you see the effort, that’s really what matters. Okay. I’m going to move us along. Uh, next one, quality time, quality time is a big one and quality time really means spending time together.

Honestly, that’s the quality, but also removing like it’s that connected time. So maybe the two of you, I’m looking at you when you Rob across the table for everyone listening, but how do you guys [00:40:00] carve out. Okay. That time together. And how do you like sort of avoid the distractions that always creep in?

Wendy: Yeah, well, and so I think this has evolved for both of us over the years, um, in, in our former life before we got together because of our, um, you know, you’ve mentioned it before. I’ve been, I’ve mentioned it before where we’ve Uh, consumed so much in our work, uh, in, in, in our former lives and, and really being intentional with setting boundaries for ourselves.

We walk and talk a lot, so it’s not like fancy stuff like, yes, trips are nice and all that kind of stuff where you’re away and you’re spending time together, but we walk and talk a lot. We have a husky dog. She’s high energy. We, we knew that when we got her and, um, a big component of our day every day is to Walk and talk.

Um, it, it allows us to keep us connected. And we also do that at night, not with the dog. Um, but you know, at night before we go to sleep, you know, we have that time where we are [00:41:00] lying in bed, facing each other and sharing about our days and having those moments of connection. Um,

Rob: is huge. Even, even stuff. Um, we bought a fire pit for the very purpose of just enjoying now being out on the deck.

Uh, and there are certainly nights where, you know, maybe busy or doing something else. And Wendy will just say, Hey, why don’t you grab a cigar and let’s go sit on the deck. Right. Well, you just say cigar and deck and I’m like, ah, let’s do it. Right. But, but The nice thing. And again, this is with the cigar.

You’re now committing to sitting outside for good 90 minutes. Yeah, exactly. A good hour to two hours. And so now you’re engaging. We may still be doing a little bit of other stuff, but we’re engaging in those conversations.

Eric: Yeah, we, we, from the moment we met, I still remember that first night, uh, Uh, our first date we had, uh, right, was nervous.

And I remember you stepping out of your vehicle from across the street and I was like, [00:42:00] it’s beautiful. Right? Like right away, it was like, wow. Um, and we sat down and it was our first date and you never know how those things are going to go. And we met around six 30. I think it was about the time we met at Kelly’s landing.

Uh, in Manateek, uh, and then before we knew it, they were putting the chairs up on the tables. We literally shut the place down and talked for hours. And that’s been our story from the get go. We just, we do a lot of great things together, right? But our conversations and perhaps because we don’t live together.

Uh, we don’t take that for granted because we’re not together all the time. There’s, there’s weeks where we don’t, might see each other once or twice, uh,

Kate: I’ve seen you twice in two weeks.

Eric: Yeah. The last couple of weeks I’ve been traveling and I’m sick this week, so we didn’t see each other much. So it just means that those moments are even more powerful.

And I think one of the things you and I have learned to do, are learning to do more and more is control of our devices. It’s huge.

Kate: Right. Yeah. Yeah. Like we’ll, we’ll. Like, we’ve empowered each other to [00:43:00] say, like, you have full power to tell me at any moment to put my phone down. Like, you call me out, or I call you out, and I’ll be like, hey, like, I’m trying to have a conversation.

Nicely. I say it nicer than that. I do. I’d be like, yo, dude. What the fuck? Put the phone down. Um, but yeah, we do that. And I think because we do that, it’s like, and really what I’m saying or what you’re saying by put the phone down is I’m trying to connect and, and you’re somewhere else. And so I think the ability to be able to cut out the noise is super, super important.

I

Rob: love what you said there about even the notion of, uh, cause a lot of couples. Um, when you do live together and when you’re around, you’re seeing each other all the time like that. You can fall into the trap. Uh, if you don’t, it’s quality time has to be protected. And I, I like what you said at the beginning, it’s not time together.

It’s quality time [00:44:00] together. And it’s being deliberate where now there are times where our time together is just literally sitting beside each other and we’re both reading. Yeah. That’s still watching a movie or do something. Yeah. But having those deliberate moments where we say, no, everything else is put aside and it’s just us, um, it, they’re not just going to happen.

We have to really be deliberate with them and intentional with them.

Eric: Yeah, we do the same thing. So in addition to the phones, both of us are very passionate about what we do. I think all four of us are passionate about what we do, but we talk a lot about work. We both have that. Uh, we love to create where we’ve got that entrepreneurial nature.

Um, and so, yeah, there’ll be lots of conversations about work, but we’ve also given our, each other permission to say, Hey, tonight, can we not talk about that? Can we set that aside? Cause it’s easy to get into for anyone to get into a habit. You’re connecting, but you’re only connecting partially.

Kate: 100%. Okay.

I’m going to move us. We have one last physical touch. Oh,

Eric: I like this one. Yeah.

Kate: Why? I

Eric: am now. [00:45:00]

Kate: Um, so let’s talk a little bit about physical touch, obviously a part of every, uh, relationship, but this can be like, you know, intimacy and just even sometimes just a simple, simple hug. Right. Um, and I know for us, one thing that shows up is really, um, When I read this, I was fascinated by it, but there’s something around six seconds of a hug or six seconds when you kiss.

That’s after six seconds is when the oxytocin is released and that’s your, your happy drug. So like we even will hug each other now and we joke or we’re kissing and I’m like, were you counting?

LR: One,

Kate: two, three, can you do the beginning, but, but that is now something we’re mindful about it. And so when we hug, there is that minimum sort of six seconds.

Eric: Well, what it does is it, because it’s so easy again to get into a routine where it’s quick hug, quick kiss on to the next thing in the day, out the door and out the door. It forces you, forces you, it encourages you to slow down and truly connect in that moment. [00:46:00] Uh, uh, look into each other’s eyes. It’s just.

like that whole holding you for longer than that typical quick pat hug on the way out the door creates something and it’s uh for me physical touch is huge always has been it’s gonna it’s still my number one spot uh it just there’s something about the closeness the intimacy and again whether that be like uh, Uh, just chilling or, you know, or we’re talking about like, uh, sex and, and the whole enjoyment of each other that way, because you’re a sexy as fuck.

I’ve said it to you many times. I’m going to say it officially on the show. Uh, but physical touch is huge and it’s about a sharing of energy. It’s, it’s more than the physical. There is, uh, I told you from the get go, one of the things I was impressed about you from the moment I met you was your vibe, uh, your vibe, your energy.

And we’ve talked about this, like when we’re together, there’s a recharge that happens to both of us and there’s, that can happen through conversation, but usually I’ve got my, uh, my hand on your lap or we’re sitting close together. There is something about that that keeps a relationship, I think, vibrant and alive

Wendy: and [00:47:00] healthy.

Yeah. Physical touch is huge for me. It’s actually my number one love language. Um, and it’s not something I’ve historically been used to, uh, in a genuine and authentic way. I think that evolves over time as you go through your twenties, thirties and forties. But there are literally times when Rob touches me, uh, and a lot of it is just holding my hand or hand like even right now he’s holding my hand under the table here, but my eyes will get misty because of the power of his touch.

Um, and. You know, uh, sexual touch, what like that’s, that’s on a different level, but the day to day, whether it’s hugging, holding my hand, just those, you know, when he touches my face, that’s huge for me as well. Um, but yeah, that,

Eric: well, let’s face it. Like we were, uh, I don’t know if we’re shy about it, whatever, but the, the reality is that sex starts long before the bedroom.

Kate: I

Eric: [00:48:00] think when there’s not enough physical touch in the day to day, just that, that intimacy, that connection, right? The emotional connection, the physical connection, uh, well, that can impact the sex life of any couple, right? I think when you’re, when you’re making the. effort when you’re making that intention that you’re being intentional about connecting regularly through touch while it enhances your sexual relationship takes it to a whole other level because it’s like you’ve been engaging in foreplay all week long all day long or all afternoon long or you know when is the show when are we done recording so we can go home kind of thing

Wendy: but it’s different for women and men right women need more of that emotional component uh i’m like You know, we’re not just ready.

Just like that. Like men are sometimes like we need, um,

LR: I just gave each other the nod. Like I’m kind of ready now. I don’t know. Six seconds. [00:49:00] Endorphins get released. Eight seconds.

Eric: I’m thinking Carlisle is thinking about Loretta.

Wendy: But I think what you bring up is a good point. Like sex starts long before the bedroom, right?

It’s and it’s something that can fall apart very quickly in a relationship if that emotional component is not there.

Eric: I think because it demonstrates like ongoing affection, right? Absolutely. Every relationship will have ups and downs and sometimes your sexual activity is increased. Other times not like we go through seasons, right?

And that’s just That’s just life. But that connection, that affection that is demonstrated, there’s a safety, there’s a comfort in that. There’s a, this is my person. Um, and, uh, they’re, they’re making the effort to demonstrate that openly, uh, right. And I get that for some people. This one is actually a very hard one, uh, especially if they’ve come, uh, from a background of abuse and the rest of it.

Um, uh, and yet physical touch [00:50:00] is the way I think we’re wired as human beings to respond to it. I think of Loki, my dog, and I’m like, we call him an attention whore. This dog, like he is a COVID dog, um, and he, his need for affection is like through the roof. Uh, but he responds so well to be where

Kate: the people are.

That’s what I always

Eric: say. That’s Loki’s theme song, right? So, but even in the animal kingdom, animals respond well to physical touch for the most part, unless you’re trying to pet a hungry lion. That probably is not wise, but

Kate: maybe, maybe don’t, maybe don’t pet,

Eric: but don’t pet the hungry lion. No, don’t do it.

Kate: Um, I think I’m going to wrap us up there. I think that was, that was a lot to get through in one show. Uh, we’ll definitely add to the show notes, um, you know, how you can access, uh, five love languages, honestly, just Google it. You’ll come up with

Eric: so much. There’s

Kate: so many online surveys you can take that just kind of help.

You identify which bucket you’re in.

Eric: And since Gary Chapman’s work now, if you Google actually look it up, there are far more ways to demonstrate affection than just the five demonstrated here. Yeah. [00:51:00] We just chose to use this model as a simple way to get the conversation started. I think at the end of the day, it’s Figure out what your partner needs and make that effort to give them more of that and, and, and let that be reciprocal.

Don’t

Rob: decide for your partner, ask them, don’t guess, don’t decide for them, ask them. But this is

Wendy: something great to do together as well. And then to sit, like we did ours together. Uh, to sit and then, uh, dissect it together and kind of figure out what that means for both of you and talk it through and talk it

Kate: through.

Wendy: Yeah.

Kate: Uh, thank you so much for joining us. Uh, this was a great discussion as always, please like share and subscribe and check out our website, living richly. me, where you can sign up for our Facebook group. The Living Richly Nation is exploring the world. Floating, uh, growing every single day, amazing conversations happening and also on our website livingrichly.

me. I’m going to say it again. You can sign up for our 15 day life vision challenge. This is an [00:52:00] amazing free course that you can do on your own time at your own pace and will help you map out a vision for where you want your life to go. So as always, get out there and until next time, continue living your best life.

 

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