Beyond Guilt: Mastering The Mom Balancing Act

Beyond Guilt: Mastering the Mom Balancing Act

Kate Beere:

In a fast paced world, we as parents are often dealing with a lot of guilt. Today, we’re gonna be discussing modern parenthood, and we’re gonna help you find ways to find joy

Wendy Dodds:

beyond the guilt. Hi, everyone. I’m Wendy, and I am here with Kate. And you’re probably wondering, where the heck are Eric and Rob? Well, it is just the 2 of us, so we would like to thank them for their contributions and effort, but we have officially taken over the show.

Kate Beere:

We sure have.

Wendy Dodds:

At least for the next 45 minutes or so. We are gonna talk about one of our favorite topics, guilt, and, how we basically live through that, and we’re gonna be diving into a female lens on this particular subject. Recognizing though that we do have a lot of male viewers.

Kate Beere:

Do. Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:

However, we are hoping that male viewers are gonna be able to take some of this away in terms of what women face when it comes to guilt and parenting and how we can work on that together.

Kate Beere:

Yeah. I love that.

Wendy Dodds:

Yeah. Love it. Yeah. Where should we start? I mean, we could probably write a book. And this podcast would probably be 6

Kate Beere:

hours long. It probably would be 6 hours. But maybe we just talk about, like, what does mom guilt mean for you? Feel. Like, what like, not defining it, but how does it show up for you?

Wendy Dodds:

Like, what is it? You know, so I think It starts, I think, when we’re teenagers, when we’re growing up, and then morphs into when we start our careers and then morphs into when we have, you know, have kids and start a family. And it just continues on as a cycle. I know for me, it has shown up in So many different aspects. Part of it is self inflicted because we’re all masters at that. Yes. And, a lot of it has had to do in my life with other people’s opinions on how I should do things, how I should not do things, all of

Kate Beere:

that kind of stuff. Yeah. That comparison game can be really, really tricky. I know for me, I have that in in spades for sure. And then I think it’s just, like, not feeling like I’m ever doing enough. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like, I’m just I’m not I’m not taking them to all the places they wanna go. We’re not going on those big vacations.

Kate Beere:

We’re not I’m not buying you everything you want. And sometimes that line between, like, being a good parent and being present is, like, balance off with, like, the guilt factor of like, oh, I can’t do

Wendy Dodds:

all this. How fitting that our one of the episodes we just recorded was about over

Kate Beere:

performance. That’s

Wendy Dodds:

so funny. So this What? This this ties in really, really well. And I think let’s talk a little bit about comparison because you and I are around the same age demographic. And when we when we were growing up I mean, we’re, f What? 29.

Kate Beere:

I was gonna say it.

Wendy Dodds:

Of course.

Kate Beere:

20 20 old. Thanks.

Wendy Dodds:

Steve’s laughing in the background. We might as well do what Eric and Steve.

Kate Beere:

Steve, are you here?

Wendy Dodds:

Yes. Yay. But I feel like, in terms of the expectations we have in our head and how big social media has played. And I see this playing out in my teenage daughters around, you know, we should be a certain way, we should be doing certain things. And if we’re not, and it it a lot of it comes down to how we should look. So as women, like, let’s just get that out there, like, how we should look, Pregiving birth, post giving birth, you know, as we move into our forties, menopause, sorry, guys, like, all of that kind of stuff. It’s a real thing. And then for the guys that are listening, how do they support us during that when we’re always feeling guilty about, You know, doing more, being more, having more, and trying to overcome that.

Kate Beere:

Yeah. And I think, like, what’s in you know, you talk about, like it’s starting in your teenage years. I mean, I know for me, you know, when I was pregnant, I had I had guilt already being like, I’ve gained too much weight. You’re only supposed to like, all these rules around, you know, the amount of weight you’re supposed to gain, how you’re supposed to look, what you’re not supposed to do. Yeah. Am I buying the right crib? Am I getting the right stroller? Why does she have a stroller that’s $1500 and minus 200? Like, am I doing am I Oh my is my kid gonna die now in the car? Like Yeah. It’s just this constant, like, guilt of of not like, am I gonna, like, am I gonna break you? Are you gonna fall? And it’s assist this call. Like, there’s fear there for sure.

Wendy Dodds:

A lot of fear.

Kate Beere:

But there’s also guilt around like, wow. Like, I’m just I’m not convinced I’m setting you up for success. Like and I haven’t even given birth to 1 of the 3 yet. Right? Like, it’s it starts that early for women.

Wendy Dodds:

Yeah. It does. I remember when, we brought my 1st daughter home after she was born and, like, put her on the table. And and my husband and I at the time kinda looked at each other and were like, So, like, what do we do now? What now? And it’s you know, you feel like you should be doing some like, what what what do you do? And then it’s the guilt of how do I make sure that I’m showing up for her, but how do I also show up as a wife? How do I still show up as, you know, the person that attends all of the play groups and and the person that, you know, your kids get older, brings the snacks to the soccer fuck her game and, you know, does all of things. And when we don’t, it’s you know, we’re always creating these expectations, and it’s it’s like being on a hamster wheel, like, just the continuous cycle. And it’s so harmful. Like, it’s such an emotional mind fuck sometimes Yeah. Because it’s You feel like you’re constantly chasing.

Wendy Dodds:

And, again, like, who who are you doing it for? But then for a lot of people as well, that’s great, but then how do you, like, how do I let that go?

Kate Beere:

Well in, you know, overcoming the guilt, I think, is I don’t know if you ever fully get rid of it. I mean, we’ve talked about this before on the show, but, like, just, flag. The guilt of divorce is a massive mom guilt for me. Like, it’s it’s maybe the biggest guilt that I carry

Wendy Dodds:

Yeah.

Kate Beere:

Is knowing that I broke up our family system and our home, and that that guilt weighs with me. It’s it’s getting less, but it’s it’s never gone. It never fully goes. I’m aware when it creeps in now. Like, I’m I I I can feel it coming in and saying, like, why are you speaking to yourself that way? Like, you can get present to that voice in your head.

Wendy Dodds:

Yep.

Kate Beere:

But that that divorce guilt is, like, is connected to mom guilt. Like, there is like, Those 2 for me go hand in hand. 100%.

Wendy Dodds:

And I’m I’m glad you brought that up because I think that this is it’s a topic that Not too many people talk about because it’s yucky and it’s uncomfortable. Yeah. I’m 2 years into my separation and my divorce and Married for 20 years. Yeah. And the expectations that I had created in my head and the shock that, people showed when I did make the decision to leave my marriage for my own personal reasons. It just became so clear to me why so many people stay in unhappy situations. Again, I was the one that was unhappy. Right? So whether it’s career, whatnot whatnot, but then it’s the extreme guilt of having those difficult conversations, recognizing that I know for me, all I did was cry, I cry.

Wendy Dodds:

Yeah. Cry. Cry because and you summed it up perfectly. You feel responsible for breaking up the family unit. Yeah. And having spoken to people who have come to me over the past couple years and said, how did you do it? Yeah. And I don’t think I have the strength to do it because I feel like I need to be here for my kids because they’re younger, and so maybe it’ll Sure. Right? It, There’s never a great time ever.

Wendy Dodds:

No. But it’s No. Prioritizing yourself Yeah. But putting 1 foot forward in front of the other and recognizing there’s gonna be a lot of guilt, but then how do you have the tools to be able to navigate

Kate Beere:

that through your kids? And that guilt too, like, fit. I think as single moms, no matter your your sort of the situation that you’re in, whether you’re dating someone new, you from a new partner or whatever. I think as single moms, that guilt can lead us into behaviors sometimes that are not good for us or our kids. I think out of the guilt, you tend to wanna over rotate and overcompensate, and you wanna make sure they have everything they need and everything they ask for. And even if you can’t, you still wanna give it all. And so, you know, it’s kind of that it’s it’s it’s a bit I don’t know what the word is, but Like, it’s almost a bit backwards because now you’re over rotating and and maybe, you know, I’m not speaking for my situation, but I know for other women that Sometimes there’s competition with the ex. Right? So, like, if your ex is is someone who is doing all kinds of, I don’t know, lavish things with the kids or is find them things and you’re not. There’s often that competition, you know, that can show up as well.

Kate Beere:

You you do a lot of things out of that place of guilt.

Wendy Dodds:

Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. Especially if you have, shared custody where your kids are spending you’re only with them You’re only with your kids for so much. So when you do have them Yeah. You feel like you need to be all in and all on. And and I still see that, showing up in my life when I have the opportunity to spend time with my girls. Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:

And I feel like Every waking minute, I want to be present. I want to be on. I want to be, you know, doing something all the time because I I don’t have The luxury of having every day with them. Yep. And I catch myself sometimes realizing, like, it’s okay if they have downtime. They’re not gonna wanna hang with mom all the time, but I feel like I’ve created this expectation in my head Yeah. Because I’ve broken up the family unit.

Kate Beere:

Yep.

Wendy Dodds:

And, you know, almost self sabotage in a way where I’ve caught myself, harmfully saying to myself, This is what you

Kate Beere:

wanted. Oh. This is what this is what you wanted.

Wendy Dodds:

That’s So this is what you get Right. Which doesn’t serve No. It doesn’t serve anybody, anything, but it’s okay. So that’s a script in my head. Yeah. And that’s not putting me in a good place, When I am present with my kids. Yep. But, yeah, to your point, when you only have them for a certain amount of time, you wanna be able to do all of the things, almost like you’re making up for

Kate Beere:

lost time. And what I find hard too is if you have friends who are also in the similar boat, you know, come from divorce, they’re managing

Wendy Dodds:

Yep.

Kate Beere:

F everyone manages their own separation, divorce differently. And what works for 1 family does not work for the other. And I think it’s really important to not do like, comparing yourself to, you know, keeping up with the Joneses next door, as I always say, or missus Cleaver. Leave it to Beaver. But, like, comparing yourself to other people is is maybe the most detrimental thing you can do because how how one of your girlfriend’s parents, when they don’t have their kids or when they have their kids, is not necessarily how you parent. And if you were still together with your your partner at the time. You wouldn’t necessarily be comparing so much, but as a single mom, I don’t know what it is, but I do find that we have that tendency to be like, oh, you’re, Oh, you’re doing that? Oh, I’m not I’m not doing should I be doing that? Like, there’s no handbook. Right? Like, there’s no so you’re obviously gonna go to community into your friends.

Kate Beere:

But I think playing the comparison game can get can get really dicey. You have to be you have to be anchored in your parenting style and what’s working for you and your family.

Wendy Dodds:

Yes. I think we’ve all heard the quote comparison is the thief of joy, and it it is it’s such a cliche quote because it’s so true. Yeah. It’s Anything that’s robbing us of joy, if we take a step back and reflect, well, what is robbing me of joy? Is it because I’m doing something I don’t wanna do? Is it because I’m doing something out of fear, guilt, or obligation, which we talked about a couple shows ago? Yep. Am I doing it because I’m over Compensating. Yep. Am I doing it because somebody else is doing it, and I feel like I should be doing it? And it just robs us of All of that joy and then just almost, like, creates a vacuum where it sucks all the goodness out of it out of us because we’re so consumed with, But I should be doing this, and I’m not doing this, so I need to do this better. All of the things.

Kate Beere:

It’s All of the

Wendy Dodds:

things. Yeah.

Kate Beere:

Yeah. I know too like, we’re talking about mom guilt specifically flee today. But I think, you know, I think it’s important to talk about how parenting guilt shows up differently for men and women. Right? Like like, we speak from it, obviously, from that female lens. I think it’s important to to sort of mention that you know, we’re super mindful that for, for men, it shows up too. Parent guilt is not universal to women. But I think for women, there’s some nuances on how on how that shows up. I know, the stats can report that came in a while ago that shook a lot of people was around the fact that in in most households where there’s you know, you’re still a married couple.

Kate Beere:

Women still like, 2 parents equally working, still take on 50% more of household for chores. Right. Right? So you talk about a chore. It’s not just cleaning and doing dishes and doing laundry. It’s it’s, you know, it’s fucking plan in the birthday parties and getting the schedule sorted out. And it’s figuring out, you know, where we need to be on Saturday at 7, and where’s Bobby going, and why is Sarah coming over. Are we going to your parents? Don’t forget it’s your sister’s birthday. Like, our brains are totally right? And so I think, you know, if you just take that stat alone.

Kate Beere:

I think for women, that juggling act can lead to us feeling guilty that we’re not really doing anything well. Right? Like, we’re not we’re not we’re kind of just barely surviving some days just to, like, make sure we didn’t miss anything or

Wendy Dodds:

Right. Something didn’t get draw. We’re busy, but we’re not being productive, which is 2 completely different things. You can be busy, busy, busy, go, go, go, but are we being productive, And are we working smart, or are we working hard? I mean, the same thing can go in our careers as well. But, yeah, I totally think it shows up differently for men and women. Now I will also say one of my faults is I have not always done a great job at asking for help. And so

Kate Beere:

Me too. Yeah. Like, 100%. And talk

Wendy Dodds:

to anybody. Right? Yeah. And I think that Part of that can come from, regardless if you’re separated or divorced or not. Yeah. But I know for me, I’ve always been very independent and very strong, strong minded. Yeah. Now having gone through a separation and divorce, I feel like, Almost like I have to prove something to myself where I need to make the decisions on my own, and I need to, you know, Show up for myself in that way where I don’t need to ask for help. It’s okay if my cup has, you know, 64 holes in it and all the water spilling out.

Wendy Dodds:

It’s fine. I’ll just duct tape it all up, and I’ll get by. It’s fine. And so If we’ve ever noticed, and people probably laugh at this, you know, when we ask people like, oh, hey. You know? How are you? And, I’m fine. I’m fine. Everything’s fine. You know? Like, we need T shirts that say Everything is fine when really, a lot of times we’re not fine because we haven’t asked for help, and that’s Something I’m trying to do a better job at.

Wendy Dodds:

It’s Especially with Rob. It is hard. It’s hard. And it goes down to those uncomfortable conversations. But then I think, do Do I wanna have an uncomfortable conversation? So do I wanna talk to my partner, Rob, about here are the signs of when I know that I’m taking on too much and and the signs that I feel guilty if I’m not. And so I need to be able to communicate and articulate that to you, But I also need you to be able to show me when I don’t always recognize those signs.

Kate Beere:

Well and I think just like, I think it’s hard. I know for me, like, we’ve joked about this, but we’re we have similar stories and sort of similar personalities, And so I am fiercely independent. That’s why we’re taking over the show. Why we’re taking over the show.

Wendy Dodds:

We’re calling it the takeover. The takeover.

Kate Beere:

Stay tuned next week for the

Wendy Dodds:

takeover of Gwendia Gay.

Kate Beere:

It might happen. But I know for me being fiercely independent, I never ask for help. Yep. Like, I just don’t. I’m not wired for it. I don’t know how. I have to be, like, severely drowning, and someone will be like, hey. Do you need a light like a like a life no.

Kate Beere:

I’m good. I’m good over here. Right? So I know for for me, like, now moving into relationship with Eric, you know, he’s like he’s always offering help, And he offers I don’t even ask, and he offers, and I’m like I’m like, no. I’m good. Like like, how dare you? Like, you think do I look like I need help? Like, I have attitude around tune

Wendy Dodds:

around it. It’s almost like an insult.

Kate Beere:

Oh, yeah. Like, do you think I can’t do like like

Wendy Dodds:

What are you saying? I can’t do it?

Kate Beere:

Yeah. And so I’ve I’ve had to really learn to be like he’s like, you know, like, I can I can come over? I can mow the lawn while you’re doing something else. And I’m like, I can mow the lawn.

Wendy Dodds:

He’s like, I know you can mow the lawn. He’s like, do

Kate Beere:

you really wanna mow the lawn? I’m like, no. He’s like, so let me mow the lawn, and I’m like, okay. So, like, even that for me, not even asking for help, but even, like, embracing think help has been really difficult.

Wendy Dodds:

And for and I hear it from women often. Like, when I’m coaching women on my own, and you’ve probably seen this as well in the get to mindset, right, where we choose where we wanna invest our time and what we get to do, What we get to say yes to, where we want our energy to go, because where our energy goes, our energy flows. But people say to me all the time, like, I just I don’t know how. And I think you mentioned it several episodes ago about you just have to start. Yeah. And you have to be okay pay with first of all, be okay with not being okay. Yep. Learning to be okay to ask for help Because nobody can do that.

Wendy Dodds:

And I’ve quickly realized, like, nobody can do that for me but me. Yep. And so if I have a parent offering to carpool my kid Right. To hockey because I’m working, yes. And if they’re not offering, What’s stopping me from saying, hey. Ask. Right? Asking. I feel, as women, a lot of times, we feel like asking is a sign of weakness Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:

And it’s a sign that’s tied to our self worth that we are not good enough, we’re not capable enough, and that other people when I say other people, specifically women, because for the most part, we don’t really give a shit about what men think about it. We don’t. Find We don’t.

Kate Beere:

We don’t. Sorry,

Wendy Dodds:

Steve. But for women, we very much care about subconsciously in our mind. What are they gonna think? What are the other moms gonna think?

Kate Beere:

Well, that’s it.

Wendy Dodds:

And why

Kate Beere:

do we do that? I don’t know. But it we do do it, and we all do it. So it’s I I completely relate to that. So it’s like there’s mom guilt out of like, I’m choosing I’m gonna use those words purposely. I’m choosing to work right now. Yep. Not I have to. I’m choosing to work right now.

Kate Beere:

I need help getting my kids somewhere. Mhmm. Me asking another mom for help in the dialogue that’s going on in my head is, what What are they gonna think of me? Why like, are they judging me because I’m working because I can’t take my kid? Are they gonna you we have this whole conversation in our head, and if you reverse that and if If one of your kids’ mom’s friend reached out and said, hey. Could you drive, like, I don’t know, Sarah on Saturday? We’d just be like, Yeah. Of course. How can I help? There’s no judgment there. Yep. The self judgment is the piece that is actually what what really eats at us because who it doesn’t matter what the other persons think.

Kate Beere:

But, honestly, most of the time, there is no judgment from the other person. It’s our own judgment

Wendy Dodds:

on ourselves. Yep. And it’s a it’s a rabbit hole. And it’s, the more we do it, the deeper The wound, because you can call it a wound, a self inflicted wound Yeah. Is. So, you know, The wound may not have been our fault in terms of how we started to inflict that guilt, but how we choose to heal from that wound is 1000% our responsibility. Great. Because nobody will, you know, nobody will do that for you.

Wendy Dodds:

Having a conversation with my Oldest daughter the other day around, work. Yeah. And, you know, how She can overcome the feeling of, but I feel like I’m not good enough, or this person said this, or my friend said that, whatever the case may be. I won’t go into the specific situation, but helping her be able to navigate, like, you control your own feelings. Right. You control your response. And I’m 46. Oh, sorry.

Wendy Dodds:

I’m 29.

Kate Beere:

Yeah. I forgot. I’m 28, in case you forgot.

Wendy Dodds:

K. Don’t be delusional. But I’m 46, and I still don’t have all this shit figured out. So trying to help our kids be able to have a voice in what they want and what they don’t want, be vocal to ask for help, be vocal to not be, You know, shamed around. I think shame is a, such a trigger word for me. Like, it’s such a yucky word because, you know, I’ve always seen asking for help as Shameful because, like, strong independent woman. I can do it all. Right.

Wendy Dodds:

I can balance all the things. Yeah. Meanwhile, I’m, like, outward smiles, inward screams because I’m dying inside. Yeah. But then our kids see that as well.

Kate Beere:

Well, they do, and they see you overperforming. Right? So they see you trying to Yep. To do more than you actually fully can. And the truth is guilt shows up because of shame. Yep. Like, they’re so intertwined. So when you’re feeling guilty, you know, the questions you should really be digging into or at least what I do is I’m like, okay. What is that really about? Because that’s about something Yep.

Kate Beere:

Somewhere I feel shame about. Yep. And I have some anchored belief, right, that I’m holding on to that’s leading me to shame. So that sort of, like, grief, shame, belief triangle is is is vicious. And I think a lot of time as women, we just don’t wanna, a, we don’t have time. Oh, what is this about? Right? Like, you know, your brain is, like, spinning about the a million things you have to do. For taking time some you know, like, in those moments to be like, okay. Like, what is this actually about? And you said this, I think, in a previous episode, but, like, who am I doing this four.

Kate Beere:

Yeah. Right? Like, such a great question because then you can be like, oh, okay. What is this really, really about? Yep. I feel like it’s a lot

Wendy Dodds:

not I feel. I know. Yeah. Just from my own experience, it’s a lot easier to be on the rat race of the day to day grind Rather than sitting in 5 minutes of silence and complete discomfort Yeah. Because I will often recognize when I’m Feeling those, I feel guilty if I don’t do this. I feel shameful if I don’t do this. I should do this, but I don’t really wanna do this. Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:

I quickly push it out of my head because I just don’t wanna deal with it, and it’s so much more uncomfortable to deal with it. Yep. And I reference this to A couple people that were asking, you know, not about the details of my separation, but when I did separate. And it’s so much easier to not have those uncomfortable conversations, then, like, it it’s so much easier to just be comfortable and just come into comfort and average every day rather than have those uncomfortable conversations and and go for great. But with that comes guilt and comes shame. Yeah. So it’s about, you know, choosing your heart and deciding, like, How do you really wanna live your life?

Kate Beere:

Well, I think too as women, we have a habit of wanting to protect everyone else around us. Yes. So we why do we do that?

Wendy Dodds:

I don’t know why do we care so much.

Kate Beere:

But we but we care. Right? So we tend to keep it all in until we absolutely burst at the scenes. I know for me, my I have 3 kids who are very, like, pretty close in age. And when I had you know, my 2 youngest are 15 months apart. And so I remember, with my 3rd, like, 3rd child, I remember just feeling I am losing my mind. Like, I did not feel I definitely didn’t had, like, depression after the first two, but by 3rd, my daughter. I remember just being like, I’m not okay. And I sat in that for months, and I remember I didn’t tell anybody.

Kate Beere:

I put on a brave face. I cleaned the house. I took care of 3 3 little kids. And I remember sitting and finally one day I was like, you’re not okay. So I went, and I went to see my doctor with all 3 kids, which is, like, a nightmare in itself. And she walked in the room, and she was like, woah. And I’m like, yeah. Hi.

Kate Beere:

She’s like, how are you? F and I didn’t even speak. I just bawled my eyes out. And she’s like, you’re not okay. And I’m like, no. I’m not okay. And I remember that moment so clearly because I felt in that moment. I didn’t feel relief. I felt shame.

Kate Beere:

Yep. I felt like I was failing as a mom. Why couldn’t I do this? So many other women before me have been able to take care of Yep. Kids without the support system I have, without the network. And so I just I felt like I was failing. And quickly you know, she’s like, okay. We did a series of questions. You know? That’s why you’re go to your doctor.

Kate Beere:

You know, if you’re if you’re not feeling, If you’re feeling down, you’re feeling depressed, like, I encourage that. And, you know, I was diagnosed with postpartum, and she’s like, I actually think you probably had it with all 3. She’s like, but with 1 kid, you power through. With 2, you could power 3. By 3rd, you’re like Yeah. I can’t do this. And I think so many women feel shame around, like, postpartum and that period of, like, my hormones are off. I’m not feeling good.

Kate Beere:

Yep. And I think it’s so important that we open up that conversation. It is when we talk about it.

Wendy Dodds:

Yep. And I think it’s be when we feel like we have that right community around us, where we feel like We are able to have those conversations without being judged or without being mocked or without being talked behind our back, all of those kinds of things. And that can take years years for us to find those types of people in our circle who are gonna be able to Either recognize the signs of, okay. I know that sign when you do whatever, Recognizing that that’s a sign of you’re doing too much or you’re feeling guilty or whatever. Having those relationships and conversations where you feel that you can be very vulnerable and open up to people who you know are gonna support you. But if you don’t have those people around you and you don’t have that open line of communication with either your partner, you know, whoever in your life you become it’s almost like you’re you’re imprisoning yourself. And In order to break free of that, you need to take the steps to be able to chip away at those bars, rocks, whatever in your foundation To become very vulnerable to ask for help or to, you know, let go of the things that are not serving you to create space for the other things that Will serve you.

Kate Beere:

Yeah. And trust that you’re not you’re not failing at momhood. Like, you’re not there is no pass for fail here. Like, this is just

Wendy Dodds:

did we think that there was, like, this grading score on somebody grading us on how we were as parents? But that’s how it feels in those moments.

Kate Beere:

Totally. You’re not you’re not failing. It’s just it this that’s parenting. And Yep. The world is hard now to parent and and we’re you know? And it’s it’s challenging and, you know, We’ve talked a lot about little kids, but, like, we both have teenagers now and, like, navigating that world of what they’re exposed to on social media and the pressures that they face. You know, the guilt I feel constantly as a mom is they want the latest shoes, and my daughter wants the skincare and the makeup or they want the outfits and they want the, like, like, I just thinking of, like, just Yep. Alone, just the tangible things. They’re like, oh, well, these kids have all this stuff.

Kate Beere:

And I’m like, k. But that’s not like, a, that’s not real. It’s social media, but their brains aren’t fully formed to even understand what that is. Exactly. I struggle with the pressures of social media as a 28 year old woman. Right. Right. I struggle consistently with the pressures and and, you know, in all seriousness, at 48, I if I can’t manage that with all the tools that I have, all the therapy I’ve been through, you know, a great community support system, how can I expect my 13 year old, my 14 year old, and my 16 year old to be able to navigate that world with any, like, sense of self?

Wendy Dodds:

Yeah. Totally. It’s something that I’ve talked to, and just most recently, doctor Sherry, who’s Mhmm. Gonna be on, I think, next week or the week after. But, we spent my last session. So here’s a little, shout out for anybody thinking that therapy is not something you need. I think everybody needs it, and I think it creates that ability for you to become very vulnerable about what it is that you’re struggling with to be able to, share with to to be able to help you grow. Anyways, all that to say, we were speaking specifically about, false expectations in my head about how things should be because I always use the language should.

Wendy Dodds:

Right? I should be doing this or I should be doing that Instead of, I would like to try this or I would like to do that, and it’s really about that language shift, and you can tie it into guilt so much and shame because It’s always those, you know, misplaced expectations that we have in our mind. And Yeah. Yes, we can see things on social media, and and, I mean, it It it impacts me just like exactly what you said as well as my teenage girls. Yeah. But then I think, well, but what are you Wendy, what are you doing to be able to overcome that because you’re the one that’s creating these false expectations and scenarios in your head. So you recognize that, but what are the tips and what are the steps that you’re taking to be able to overcome that? Because I’m sure you’ve had people ask, as have I. Okay. That’s all fine and great.

Wendy Dodds:

Yeah. We all know we deal with guilt,

Kate Beere:

but Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:

Give me some tips. Like, what

Kate Beere:

I think there’s How how

Wendy Dodds:

can I let go of

Kate Beere:

it? Well, there’s so many. So I think, like, don’t pay attention to the noise. Like, if you knew how little people really thought about you, you wouldn’t give a shit what they think.

Wendy Dodds:

Like, people don’t People don’t think about it. True.

Kate Beere:

But we’re so busy keeping up with the Joneses. I use that expression a lot, but we’re so busy trying to to stay up on everything. You know? We’re trying to be the best moms we can, best partner trying to do our job. We’re trying to just, like, do everything so well. I think you really just, like, be careful what you listen to. Yep. Be careful what you’re paying attention to. And if, you know, I do it.

Kate Beere:

I was

Wendy Dodds:

I was

Kate Beere:

on I was on TikTok the other day and there was an ASMR thing and this woman is in her I don’t know. Must be like a $10,000,000 home and she’s got All her kitchen stuff is all, like, perfectly stored. I don’t know if you’ve seen these videos. They put flour in, like, everything’s, like, perfectly organized in the drawers, and I’m just I I was watching it, and it’s hypnotic. Like, you so my daughter’s like, oh, they’re so like, you get addicted. I’m like, you do, and I’m watching them. Like, I’m like and then I’m like, And I look at my cabinet, which is just like I don’t know. Like, kids put, like you know? You know how it is.

Wendy Dodds:

Like the Tupperware drawer.

Kate Beere:

Oh, the wall.

Wendy Dodds:

It’s like a giant cesspool of

Kate Beere:

Right. And then and then I and then I’m getting angry at the at the video, and I’m like, oh, it must be nice to be rich. Oh, it must be nice to have cabinets like that. Oh, I guess you have people helping you. And then I really to sit with that and be like, why

Wendy Dodds:

are you so angry?

Kate Beere:

Yeah. But it’s

Wendy Dodds:

true, though. Like, it’s amazing how our reactions to Stuff we see on social media is very much a trigger. Yeah. I know through my journey, I’ve tried to be always just like, what you see online is what you get in person. And Yeah. I’ve tried to be so transparent and authentic with, you know, Whatever it is I’m struggling with or going through, recognizing that Yeah. I especially with mom guilt, I guarantee you. Like, if we’re feeling it, Everybody else is feeling it as well.

Wendy Dodds:

But the whole social media thing, and I I talk to my daughters about this often is You just said it. Pay attention to what you consume. Yeah. And it’s not just what you eat and what you drink, but what you’re listening to, what you’re watching. I refuse to watch the news, ever since, like, just right before COVID. I just I stopped listening to the news because I found every time I did, I would just get so anxious and so irritated. And so And so I just completely stopped listening to it, and I’ve just become very selective about who I spend my time with, what I’m watching, What I’m reading because it has a direct correlation to how I show up every day and trying to teach that to my girls around, you know, Unfollow or delete anybody that doesn’t make you feel good about yourself, positive about yourself, lifts you up, inspires you. And twice a year, actually, I go through a detox.

Wendy Dodds:

I clean out contacts in my phone. That’s amazing. I love it. Social media stuff. That’s great. I clean up my friend list, like, just because and that’s okay. Right? Some people it’s funny because some people are like, well, I don’t wanna unfriend somebody because I don’t want them to be offended.

Kate Beere:

I don’t wanna offend them.

Wendy Dodds:

Fucking cares. Like, how how are they showing up for you? Like, what does that purpose serve for you. Yeah. And it’s okay. People change. Like, anybody that says Yeah. People don’t change, people don’t grow, It’s bullshit because as humans, we’re continuing to evolve, and so your priority shift. Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:

Your goals change. Yeah. Your prior like, all of those things change. So twice a year, I will go through

Kate Beere:

I think that’s great.

Wendy Dodds:

That detox and trying to teach my girls that that’s okay to do, And it’s okay that you’re gonna have new friends, and it’s okay that you’re going to things are gonna change as you

Kate Beere:

get older. Tied into me. Like, I like, for me, that’s tied into self care. So, like, self care’s a big bucket. But as women and as moms, we’re always last. Right? Like, you are the last on on that sort of, like, where you’re gonna give your time. Yep. So I think it’s so important as women that we’re we are taking time to fill our cups so we can help those around us, including our kids.

Kate Beere:

Because ultimately, it’s very easy to take care of everyone else and leave yourself. And so I think carving out time for yourself is super for it. And that doesn’t have to be always, like, 4 hours on a Friday night or it can just be, I’m gonna take a bath, if you’re a bath person. I’m gonna go for a walk. Right? I’m going to just just sometimes it can be I used to lock myself, Full disclosure. I used to lock myself in my pantry alone for 5 minutes as my daughter was banging on the door, but I needed 5 minutes. I needed 5 minutes just to be like, I can do this. I can reset.

Kate Beere:

She’s fine. Like, it’s okay to take those moments. And in fact, it’s not okay. It’s required.

Wendy Dodds:

Like It’s required. Yeah. And it teaches people how to treat you. Exactly. So for anybody that’s like, oh, I can’t do that because my kids always but you’re creating those expect of course, our kids need us, but our kids don’t need us 24 hours a day. No. It’s okay, and I might get some flak for this, but it’s okay to leave the baby crying for 10 minutes if the baby’s been fed, Change, like, all of the things. Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:

It’s okay if you need to take a step outside Yeah. To have that moment for yourself. It’s okay if you need to lock yourself in the bathroom. Your kids over time or whoever in your life over time will recognize that, okay, this is their time. But when we don’t set those boundaries Yeah. We teach people that that’s okay. It’s almost like when somebody texts you, and we’ve become in this instant society Yeah. Like Amazon Prime.

Wendy Dodds:

Everything gonna show up in 24 hours. Where is it? Right? It’s like when my kids text, mom, mom, mom, mom. Yes. Right. Or whoever. Yeah. Don’t need to respond right away. Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:

But we’ve created that urgency because we’re always so

Kate Beere:

go go. Talk about the mom mom mom mom for a second

Wendy Dodds:

think as soon

Kate Beere:

as it is

Wendy Dodds:

Mom, hi. Where are you?

Kate Beere:

It is all of my kids do it, and they text me, and they expect a literal immediate response. Meanwhile, I can text them and not like, when they’re at for dads. I don’t hear from them for days at times, and I’m like, okay. Hi. It’s me. Yeah. Remember me? Hi. I love you.

Kate Beere:

So the second they need something, it is like, mom, mom, mom. And then my, like, my daughter not not to call you out, but you like, she’ll call me. So she’ll call me 10 times in a row. What are you doing? What are you doing? What do like, I’m in a meeting. I’m on a call. I don’t know. I’m just busy. Like Right.

Kate Beere:

And so not responding right away. But my instant reaction is like, oh god. What do you need? Like, that is where I ins

Wendy Dodds:

like, it’s Who’s pleading? What’s happening? What? Like, are you what?

Kate Beere:

What happened? And it’s like, oh, can I get that new like, I saw this with

Wendy Dodds:

hair cream? I’m like,

Kate Beere:

Right? So Yeah. You have to sort of Totally. You have to but that’s The the trick is to talk yourself off of it, to your point. Like, you do teach your kids, right, how to treat you ultimately.

Wendy Dodds:

You do. And everybody, especially that you work with as well. So when I think about all of the things I could have Yeah. Or sorry, doctor Sherry should have done better, I’m recognizing more and more, and I think everybody should remember this. Your past mistakes are not something that, You know, it’s not something that you should let go of. Your past mistakes are meant to guide you, not define find who you are. We get very caught up in all the things that we’ve done wrong. Well, what about all the things that we’re doing right? So really using as that definition point, guide you, and then be able to use that as a tool because, yes, it can absolutely hold you back from growing, And it can hold you back from shifting things in your life when you don’t take care of yourself, self care.

Wendy Dodds:

Yeah. And it sounds like the easiest thing in the world. Not, find. But I say it’s not. No. It’s easy to do, but it’s easier not to do. I tell that to people all the time at the gym. They’re like, mom, I’m tired.

Wendy Dodds:

I’m sore. Are you stretching? No. Right? Because stretching is one of those pain in the ass things that we all know it’s good for us. Yeah. 5 minutes in the morning, 5 minutes at night. Easy to do. Yeah. So much easier not to do.

Wendy Dodds:

Yep. And it’s the same thing when it comes to self care. It’s fucking hard, but it’s not if you’re thinking about creating those small simple things that you can do every day. Yeah.

Kate Beere:

Well and just like, you have to be able to do self care too in a way where you’re, you know, don’t get in the bath. I use the bath because that’s myself can’t breathe in the bath. So do I. Like, I have a whole I redid my master bath. Like, it’s, like, so heavenly now.

Wendy Dodds:

Come over and see your bath. Not together, though. That would be weird. We’re not doing that anymore. Rob and Eric really happy, but, no, we’re not doing that.

Kate Beere:

They didn’t know. It was just

Wendy Dodds:

kinda tough. But I love

Kate Beere:

the bath. It’s where I go to it’s where I go to fully fully unwind. But I can’t self care is not getting in the bath and working fucking on your phone or thinking of all the you’re writing a

Wendy Dodds:

to do list or, like

Kate Beere:

and I’ve done it too, but that really isn’t self care. That is, like, taking care of your body. Right? That is like I guess it’s a form of self care, but you’re if you’re not, like, actually turning your mind away Totally. Then it’s not really gonna help,

Wendy Dodds:

at the end

Kate Beere:

of the day. It might physically make your legs feel better or your back or whatever. Like, there might be a physical, like, like, positive response, but your mental space won’t change. And I know for me, there are times I get in there and I’m like, nope. She’s not turning off tonight. Like, I I just know I’m too wired. I’m vibing. Like, something is just not gonna go.

Kate Beere:

Yep. And I that’s okay too. So I give myself permission to be like, okay. Just be present. You’re present too.

Wendy Dodds:

I love that.

Kate Beere:

Put put, like, re read. Feed. If you can’t read, like, watch something on your phone. Like, just don’t criticize yourself because otherwise, I end up criticizing myself because I can’t unwind. Well, the exactly. I’m feeling it. It’s health care. Like, how?

Wendy Dodds:

But I love that you say give yourself permission because that’s often what what guilt is tied too is we don’t give ourself permission to either feel the feelings of guilt or recognize that, okay, this is what I had planned out for today. Yeah. But this is not how the day went. Yeah. And so I’m giving my my self permission to be able to take a little detour Yeah. Because That’s okay. There’s multiple ways to drive to certain destinations. So giving yourself permission is huge, and I think it’s a huge part of self care, especially from the mental perspective.

Wendy Dodds:

Yeah. The whole bath thing and working, like, I I’ve been there. Like and I think we all have. Right? And being really conscious of, like well, I’ll tell my kids. Like, put your phone in a separate room where it’s off and you’re not gonna get distracted by it because we do live in a world of distractions. So Same thing at night. Like, even if you use your alarm in the morning on your phone Yeah. Is your phone the first thing you’re looking at? How can you build out a simple An easy and effective 5 minute routine that’s gonna right? How you start your day is how you run your day Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:

When you’re already flipping through Facebook or the Gram and you’re comparing, oh, so and so did this The last night, why why wasn’t I invited to the part? Whatever. Whatever. And it just starts that cycle

Kate Beere:

of Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:

Just that reactiveness in your mind.

Kate Beere:

Yeah. And I think, like, it’s okay to find humor in your day. Yes. I know for me, like, cat and ad is like a YouTube

Wendy Dodds:

Love, Katniss. God. Like Shout out to you, Queens.

Kate Beere:

Yeah. Like, honestly, like, I remember watching them early, early days when it was just, like, they were sitting in the car, and it was just the video. And I was like, Oh my god. I feel so much better. Like, it would just be like refreshing. It was just because it’s honest conversation about how the some of those days. Right? Like, those mixed with emotions that parents have. Like Mhmm.

Kate Beere:

You know, kids going back to school. Like, there’s part of you who’s like, yes. Right? And then there is part of you that’s kinda like, fall. Like but there’s 2. There’s not like you’re not a bad mom because you’re excited that your kids are going back to

Wendy Dodds:

school. Right?

Kate Beere:

Yeah. And so I love find anywhere sometimes. Like, sometimes for me, it’s just enough that I get to relate to something that’s, like, funny, and then I just I it just lifts a bit of the guilt sometimes. You just need, like, a Totally. Like, a funny, happy place. Puts a smile.

Wendy Dodds:

Yeah. And give yourself permission to like, I think that that’s a great tip. It sounds silly, and it sound simple, but it’s so helpful. And then find people that you can share that humor with. Right?

Kate Beere:

Yes. Yeah. When you’re forwarding. Yeah. Right? I’m gonna send you my favorite cat and that’s now. But, like, forwarding clips. I do it all the time when you see a funny meme on parenting. I we like, my girlfriends and I flip them all the time to each other.

Kate Beere:

Right? And it gives you a good giggle, and it gives you something to,

Wendy Dodds:

you know, to relate. Now speaking of relate, what about for the guys? So if we’re thinking about partners or even friends, but let’s just maybe kind of focus more on partners. Yep. What kinds of things Do you or would you suggest that we can have some conversation around this that Yeah. They can do to be able to help us?

Kate Beere:

Yeah. I think, I think it’s, you know, encourage your partner. Like, create a safe place and encourage your partner to tell you what they need. I think it’s it’s you know, women naturally aren’t gonna ask for help. So if you maybe instigate that conversation and allow them so that they feel feel like they have a safe space so they can ask for help. I think that’s

Wendy Dodds:

huge. Yeah. I think I think that’s huge as well. Yeah. And part of that is having that Uncomfort conversation. And if you can’t have that conversation with that person, I think that’s a deeper conversation that you probably need to have if you feel like you’re not being supported, because I hear that a lot. I don’t get support from my friends, my partner, whatever. Okay.

Wendy Dodds:

So what steps are you taking to be able to define what it is that you need? Yeah. So, one thing for me, and and and I’ve been vocal about communicating this with Rob, is those check ins with me. So, those check ins and doing those small things. Yeah. I don’t need the big things. I you know? Yeah. It’s always the little things. So if I come home from work and and dinner’s made or if if the laundry’s been started or, you know, he’s filled up my car with gas, like, all of those little things.

Wendy Dodds:

Yeah. For me, I see that as a check-in, and that helps me be able to deal with the overwhelm, the guilt of trying to do everything, the expectations in my head that I have to do everything because I still struggle with asking for help.

Kate Beere:

Yeah. And I think you can align on from those and have a conversation around like, hey. Here here are the small things that would help me. It’s not about asking every day, like, hey. Can you fill my car up with gas? Right? Like, I think that’s where women struggle. But I think having a conversation, you know, where you’ve laid out those pieces or what for you would really help Yep. And then having your partner show up. Yeah.

Kate Beere:

So I think it’s it’s okay to have the conversation, like, once or twice. You don’t have to have it every

Wendy Dodds:

single day.

Kate Beere:

Right. You’re not, like, begging for help every single day because that’s how feel. Right. And I use that word begging because that’s how it feels for a lot of women.

Wendy Dodds:

I I agree. I completely agree. Yeah. And I think that, You know, when you’re comfortable having those conversations and really outlining what your negotiables are and what your nonnegotiables are And being really clear as to what is going to help you feel like you’re in a safe place where you can have that conversation. Yeah. But also and I’ll play devil’s advocate, recognizing that your partner or your friend or whoever, they are not mind readers. So we need to be having those uncomfortable conversations, and we need to be able to articulate that even if it doesn’t come out in the best way. I will often remind myself, well, Rob’s not a mind reader.

Wendy Dodds:

He doesn’t know even though he knows kind of Yeah. What I do in the day, he doesn’t know how I’m feeling. He doesn’t know You know? And sometimes we do get caught up in in in our heads as, well, I just wish so and so would do this Yeah. Or say this or whatever. Yep. Okay. But did we actually communicate that, or do we just feel like that’s just an expectation that we’ve created in our heads that they’re gonna read our minds and know that to do that. So Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:

I think women really speaking what it is that you want and and men, like, your partners, whoever your partner is, be able to give those check ins. And even it’s just a how are you? Yeah. And that kinda ties me back to and we’ll put it in the show notes because I know we have a couple of do. Jenna Kuchar wrote an amazing book called How Are You Really? And it came out 2 years ago, I think. A phenomenal read. And that’s That’s exactly how what we talked earlier about. Yeah. How are you? Fine.

Wendy Dodds:

Fine. Fine. Everything’s fine. Everything’s fine. But how are you really? And and Having those friendships with your girlfriends, your partner, to be able to really ask. You know? So when when, you know, Rob will ask me, then they didn’t know, like, how are you really? Right. That creates that kinda lets my barriers down where, okay, it’s okay for me to say that I don’t have my shit together. And, you know, I didn’t get what I wanted done or I was disappointed by whatever.

Kate Beere:

And I think maybe I as we near the end of the show, I think some final thoughts are just like None of us have our shit together. So just just know that you’re not alone, and we’re we’re all struggling with the guilt of parenthood Yep. Across the board, men and women. None of us have it together. Nope.

Wendy Dodds:

But there are certain steps and tips Yeah. And Things that you can fill your mind with that will help you get better at it. Because just like a muscle. Right? The more you practice it, the better you’re gonna get. Awesome. We certainly don’t have it all figured out.

Kate Beere:

What do you mean? I have it all figured

Wendy Dodds:

out, Wendy. I mean yes. Sorry. I’m fine. I’m fine. Right? I’m sorry. I’m fine. The best.

Wendy Dodds:

We wanna take the opportunity to thank everyone for tuning in. And if you found value in this episode or if there was an moment if that really resonated with you or something that hit home from you, we’d invite you to share. I promise you, if you’re thinking about it, everybody else is probably thinking about it as well, and, sharing is caring. So please like, subscribe, and, share. Don’t forget to visit our website, living richly dot me, for all of the show notes, links and for previous episodes, and we will put in the show notes, some of the things that we talked about, a couple of great books as well, Yeah. The Cat and Nat podcast as well. And, Yeah. We’ll put all that good stuff in there, so make sure you check that out.

Wendy Dodds:

Thanks again for tuning in, and we will see you next week. In the meantime, get out there and keep living your best life.