Words That Are Sabotaging Your Life

Words that are Sabotaging Your Life

Wendy Dodds:
What are you consuming? What are you absorbing? What are you letting into your mind?

Kate Beere:
Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:
You know, what what you choose to let in often is what flows out.

Eric Deschamps:
If the average person has 60 to 70,000 thoughts on an average day, 80% of those are negative, what’s the chances that most of the meaning that we are attaching to things is skewed, in a negative light. Having her hold me accountable has really helped me get more present

Kate Beere:
and back being really aware of my language and my self talk

Rob Dale:
You change your words, change your thoughts, you change your thoughts, you change your feelings, change your feelings, right, right down to eventually, it it’s you change your result.

Kate Beere:
Welcome to the Living Rich Lee podcast. Today, we’re talking about words that may be sabotaging Your life. I’m excited for this. We’ve talked a lot on the show about negative self talk, what that sounds like inside. But today, we’re gonna dig into some of those words those nasty words that we hear Yeah. And maybe give our viewers some tidbits on how to squash that voice in our head.

Wendy Dodds:
Yep. Yeah. Love that.

Kate Beere:
Why don’t we just kick it off and talk about or give our interpretation of what negative self talk looks like to you So I look at Wendy. Yeah.

Eric Deschamps:
I guess it’s over to you. Over to you.

Wendy Dodds:
Know what you’re talking about. I am the picture perfect vision of positivity. Not true. We but it’s funny though because a lot of people will look at people like us saying, oh, it’s easy for you guys. You’re positive all the time. We are not. We go through the same Yeah. Cycle of conversations in our head.

Wendy Dodds:
I think for me, the big one is impostor syndrome, especially when I left my previous corporate career Yeah. In the HR space moved into the fitness space Mhmm. And so many questions from people, but that I also misconstrued and twisted around in my own head around, who do you think you are? What credentials do you have to do this? What education do you have? Who certified you to give advice to people on fitness, health, all this kind of stuff? And and that created such a negative impact on how I moved forward that. Now I’m still and you and I have had conversation around conversations around that as well, but I think impostor syndrome is a is a big one for for me.

Eric Deschamps:
Yeah. I think a lot of people can relate

Wendy Dodds:
to that.

Eric Deschamps:
Myself included. I think in, the the stories we tell ourselves about who we are and how we show up and how we’re not enough and

Wendy Dodds:
Yeah.

Eric Deschamps:
Yeah. Right? I described it in, preparation for the Joe, knowing you were gonna be asking that question, and the phrase that came to me is a haunting presence. For for so long, I think you’re hit it spot on, Wendy. When you said most some people would look at a person who naturally is positive. And Yeah. I used to get called like Joe Smiley, I’ve always got a big smile on my face, but what people didn’t realize was the private pain I was carrying around. And much of that private pain was caused by that deep sense of, self loathing and Yeah. I didn’t like myself.

Eric Deschamps:
I I couldn’t stand myself. I thought everywhere I like, the the the the language I use

Kate Beere:
Mhmm. Yeah.

Eric Deschamps:
In my own direction Yeah. Very, very self defeating. So it was a haunting presence that it impacted everything. And because I couldn’t love myself, I struggled to show up fully in any other, kind of meaningful relationship.

Rob Dale:
Yeah. I know for me, it I I think of, negative self talk. I often use the language of words of life in words of death. Yeah. You can accept that. Yeah. Negative self talk are are death words. They’re they’re words that tear you down, that that, harm that that keep you from rising up, you know, to to wherever you need to go versus words of life.

Rob Dale:
And I think one of the words of death that I had in my life for certainly lots of years was I’m broken. And this idea that there’s, again, there’s something wrong with me. Nobody else is struggling with this, it’s just me.

Eric Deschamps:
Right.

Rob Dale:
And and so it both, it gave me an excuse, the negative self talk. The negative self talk gave me an excuse not to faint Right. Well, I’m broken. That’s that’s not my fault. It’s just

Kate Beere:
the way

Rob Dale:
I am. I’m broken. Yeah. But then it also it kept me when I would start to try to achieve, then it would come back and no. But you can’t do that. You’re broken. So then, again, we became words of, death.

Kate Beere:
Yeah. Wow. I know for me, when I think of self negative talk, I instantly, I always do this. I go to and I know it’s cheesy, but I go to, like, angel, devil, and I think

Eric Deschamps:
that Flintstones. No. Fred used to get the Angela on

Rob Dale:
the shoulder,

Kate Beere:
remember, do

Eric Deschamps:
you remember that?

Kate Beere:
How many

Eric Deschamps:
of you remember the you guys remember the Flintstones?

Rob Dale:
I know. Okay.

Eric Deschamps:
Yeah. I remember the repeats. You remember Steve,

Kate Beere:
you’ll have

Wendy Dodds:
to throw some Flintstone

Kate Beere:
I can hear you now.

Rob Dale:
Of the originals. I was there.

Eric Deschamps:
Rob lived there I was Fred’s neighbor. He saw us calluses on

Rob Dale:
his side. Or bride. I knew him I knew him when.

Kate Beere:
Do you have the do you have the outfit? I guess.

Kate Beere:
I don’t know.

Wendy Dodds:
We’ll save that for another show. We’ll save that’s

Eric Deschamps:
a that’s a different type of show.

Rob Dale:
So

Kate Beere:
so I see angel devil. I actually think of Sylvester the cat who

Eric Deschamps:
Oh, yeah. He had that too. Yeah.

Kate Beere:
Yeah. We’re really dating ourselves.

Kate Beere:
I almost don’t know.

Kate Beere:
Sylvester. But I always think

Kate Beere:
of that. So when the negative self talk goes for me, I visual that’s what I it’s just what I see.

Kate Beere:
I can hear, like, a self talk goes for me. I visual that’s what I it’s just what I see. I can hear, like, the negativity coming out. Like, let’s say I’m doing a presentation at work and I present, and I’m like, as soon as I’m done, I go to that space of, like, well, god. You, like, you spoke so fast through the intro. You skipped the section. Like You

Wendy Dodds:
should’ve done this. Right?

Kate Beere:
Yeah. Shoulda, Shoulda, shoulda. Right? Talk about some powerful words. And then it’s like you step into the hallway and, like, Joe comes up to you and it’s like, wow. It was such a great presentation. Thanks so much. I This, I learned a b c, and then your angel goes off. Right? And so it’s it’s learning which one to listen to, but when that negative self talk fires for me, I just picture my little little devil on my shoulder.

Kate Beere:
Yeah.

Eric Deschamps:
It’s a visual true.

Kate Beere:
Because I am so visual.

Eric Deschamps:
And I think, you know, to your point where you talked about, you know, the way you were feeling for so long, I think a lot of folks not only feel broken, but they think they’re the only one that’s broken. Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:
Right. Because a lot of people don’t talk about it.

Eric Deschamps:
Exactly. Right? It’s the

Wendy Dodds:
to to your point, you know, using the excuse of, it’s not my fault. Like, have to I don’t have to deal with it, so I’m not gonna talk about it or address it. And that’s just the way you are.

Eric Deschamps:
Or there or there’s deep shame

Kate Beere:
that is in that origin of my so much shame.

Eric Deschamps:
For me, in my context here, I was, back in my former life, standing at the front of the room, I was I’ve talked about this feedback I’ve gotten most of my life is that I’m an encourager, and I make people laugh, and I make them feel better. I could do that for others, but deep down, I didn’t believe that forgiveness, grace, mercy, any of those things that I deserved any of them. And so I gave them freely, but truly believe that I was the only person like this on the planet. And I think if anyone is watching, like, you’re you’re not alone, just about every human on the planet struggles

Kate Beere:
Mhmm.

Eric Deschamps:
With these thoughts and this self doubt and which turns into this dialogue Mhmm. Ongoing dialogue that we have with ourselves, which is an expression fundamentally of what we believe Mhmm. About ourselves and how the world works, and most of those beliefs are irrational.

Kate Beere:
Yeah. And so over time, you know, what is the impact of those words, those collective words? What, you know, what does it do to you?

Wendy Dodds:
So I think so words are like endurance. So the definition of endurance in the fitness space is helping your body learn how to fight fatigue. Endurance from a mindset perspective is the same thing, but it’s helping your mind learn how to fight fatigue. So words are really, all about the foundation of your belief, your journey, but also your growth. Right? You you are what you tell yourself. Your mind listens to everything you believe it. But it’s really about that mental growth that allows you to embrace what it is that you’re struggling with, but then also being able to change the, the blueprint of of where your mind is going.

Eric Deschamps:
Yeah. Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:
And it’s very much it’s very we’ve all experienced it. Everybody’s experienced. Right? And even in our Living Richly, nation, private members Facebook group, we hear people sharing those stories around, you know, words of self talk, self sabotage, negativity, that kind of stuff, and it’s exhausting. It’s exhausting. It’s exhausting.

Eric Deschamps:
Like, life is hard enough. Right? Like, life is full of joy and happiness and all kinds of things to be grateful for, but let’s face it. There’s enough shit that we go through. Yeah. And when our self talk is negative and critical and we are making, we’re literally creating our own suffering Yeah. Which in a lot of cases is unnecessary. Right. I remember hearing someone say, you know, we

Kate Beere:
talk to ourselves all the time.

Eric Deschamps:
All the time. Sells all the time.

Wendy Dodds:
All the time.

Eric Deschamps:
What if we just made that even 10% more positive, 20% more positive? And rather than beating up on ourselves and punishing ourselves, we learn to encourage ourselves like we would a friend, a child, someone that we love dearly.

Rob Dale:
Mhmm. Right?

Kate Beere:
Yeah. Absolutely. There is, the we’ve watched it, the movie heal. I don’t know if you’ve

Kate Beere:
watched it. Oh, no. It’s on that

Kate Beere:
it’s so good. I was on that, like,

Eric Deschamps:
you know, h e a l.

Kate Beere:
H e a l. And it’s all around the power of thought. So if you think about how many illnesses are caused by stress, which is thought. Right? So thought creates that anxiety state in your body. What is the opposite of that? What we haven’t looked into is what’s the potential of your thought and your brain on healing your body. Joe Dispenza is a a big one who talks about that and becomes supernatural in that book. But it’s it’s just all around the power of thought. Right? They and it’s proven.

Kate Beere:
There’s a lot of documentation. Placebo effect’s probably the most popular one out there, you can Google. There’s a million one of them. Every pharmaceutical company does it when they release a drug. But, you know, 50% of the test subjects who who receive medication, half of them get the actual medication, half of them get a sugar pill.

Eric Deschamps:
Right. Right.

Kate Beere:
Right.

Kate Beere:
And I’m I won’t quote the that but I know in a lot of them, at least 50% of people who get the placebo pill

Eric Deschamps:
Get better.

Kate Beere:
Feel better. Yeah. Get better. And so and that’s thought. Right? Totally. So It is powerful. Fascinating.

Rob Dale:
Dispenser’s book, breaking the habit of being Yeah. Right there’s an entire his entire chapter a section, I should say, that, is all around the studies that show, like, their neurologists who have, they could it is this is not hypothetical. It is fact. We know that we can rewire our brain Yes. And rewiring

Kate Beere:
our brain.

Rob Dale:
Neuroplasticity. Yes. The lutely, we change we change the behavior. Yep. Doctor Sherry, one of her practices, cognitive behavior therapy, she talks about it at length in one of the episodes, the season and that notion of you change your, or your word you change your words, change your thoughts, you change your thoughts, you change your feelings, change your feelings, right, right down to eventually, it it’s you change your results. Yeah. It all comes back everything comes back to the words we use when we speak to ourselves.

Wendy Dodds:
It’s a lot easier to complain about being stuck. It’s a lot easier to complain about. This is just the way I am. Yeah. But nothing changes if nothing changes. So I love that from doctor for

Eric Deschamps:
sure words are literally the language of belief. Mhmm. Right? Out of the overflow of the heart Yeah. The mouth speaks, that old Hebrew proverb.

Rob Dale:
Right?

Eric Deschamps:
The the when we speak words, they are literally just revealing the meaning that we have attached to ourselves, to the world, to interactions, to things that have happened in our lives, we make meaning. The problem is most of the time, if if the average person has 60 to 70,000 thoughts on an average day, 80% of those are negative, what’s the chances that most of the meaning that we are attaching to things is skewed, in a negative light, we then attach a belief to that and that then dictates what we feel, what we believe, how we act. And so not only are words an expression of what we actually believe internally, but when we say them out loud, it’s bad enough. We talk about negative self talk just internally. Yeah. But then when we hear ourselves say things, oh, I’m such a loser. Oh, I suck at this. Like, when we verbalize those beliefs, now we are we are strengthening the existing programming

Kate Beere:
100%.

Eric Deschamps:
We’re we’re, like, we’re, like, giving further evidence to the brain and said, yeah. You are a loser. And when we believe that, that’s what we start looking for. And if that’s what we’re looking for, that’s what we end up finding.

Kate Beere:
We’ll find. So where has it shown up for you guys, that negative self talk? Like shown

Eric Deschamps:
up for me.

Kate Beere:
No. No. No.

Eric Deschamps:
No. No. Plays. In Robin. I think it’s I think

Rob Dale:
Rob’s seen as many times in you. Rob.

Eric Deschamps:
I yeah. Yeah. That’s that’s very negative. Yeah. That’s very negative self talk in my direction. Yeah.

Rob Dale:
Yep. No. You know what, Ehsaute? It’s interesting because I’m working through this in one of the areas of my life professionally right now where, I’m using a model. It’s it’s, we’ve talked about it on the show. Eric, you are the one that introduced it to me, the immunity to change. The notion of Keegan and Leahy. Yeah. Yeah.

Rob Dale:
And so the notion of, there’s certain be a behavior you wanna change, but because we are, you know, as human beings, we fight change, we cause all we have to do all the kinds of things in order to change. And they they take it through, I won’t go through the process of it now for the sake of time. But ultimately, it comes down to what’s your big assumption, that is if spearheadings. And for me, on a professional level, it’s around sales. It’s around revenue numbers. And and, you know, while I do quite well, I’m certainly above average when it comes to coaches, in in North America when it comes to this, I wanna get better in that, and yet I consistently start strong and then see this. I’ve gone down to where I’ve defined my big assumption. And and and here’s a real vulnerable moment because I haven’t shared this with anybody.

Rob Dale:
I don’t even I think I shared it with you. We were talking about the other day. But I’ve come to realize that my big assumption is if I ask, let’s say, clients for, referrals or if I reach out to people, my assumption is I’m not good at coaching and their their their their no will support my belief. So here’s a negative self talk after all these years.

Kate Beere:
All these years. Yeah.

Rob Dale:
All the evidence

Kate Beere:
Says otherwise.

Rob Dale:
Says otherwise. Yeah. And yet, I hold to this belief that is clearly there that says I’m not good as I’m not as good as Eric.

Kate Beere:
Wow.

Rob Dale:
I’m not as good as this guy. I’m not good as right? Yeah. And so if now it’s challenging the big big assumption Yeah. So that I can walk into a room and say, you wanna do it? It’s an old coaching line, right, where but where the confidence comes in and says, I know that I can help you in with through the coaching practice.

Eric Deschamps:
Yeah.

Rob Dale:
So it’s that that would be a big one for me that has hindered me for years and caused me to fall into same behaviors that I’m now making a shift out of.

Eric Deschamps:
The a faulty meaning, right, a defective meaning that we attach to things Yeah. Leads to a faulty life. Exactly what we we fall short of our potential, we fall short of living our authentic lives, we fall short of, living a life that’s fulfilled and and and and all the rest of it, all because we’re basing our our our reality on a lie, we have created that perception of ourselves. That’s the beauty of this. We create the meaning. The self talk merely reveals it and reinforces it. If we do that kind of work of, is this actually true? Right. Right? You can’t actually change your, your dialogue with yourself unless you start changing your beliefs

Rob Dale:
Jesus beliefs.

Eric Deschamps:
About yourself. Because think of any conversation that you get really, like like, look at how passionate I am about this subject matter only because that’s been such an area of transformation for me. But think of the topics that get you fired up. It’s because you have a strong belief,

Kate Beere:
you

Rob Dale:
need it.

Eric Deschamps:
Yep. Yep. Right? Yep. And if our beliefs again are flawed, our thinking is flawed, our language is flawed, and everything is skewed.

Rob Dale:
We all hear this. We’ve all had people say this to us. It’s one of the foundational beliefs that people oh, I could never do that. Right? And and you hear it in the fitness world. Right? Yes. I could never do

Eric Deschamps:
that.

Wendy Dodds:
I would say my own journey in the fit competing in fitness Yeah. Back in 2014, 2015, Dean coming from being, overweight, obese, and then deciding to travel the journey of fitness. But that negative self talk in my head on, I’m too old. I’m approaching 40. Yeah. You know, I’m I’m I don’t think I can do this. I I’m gonna be on a stage with people looking at me. I can’t train the same all of the stuff.

Wendy Dodds:
Right? All of the bullshit. Yeah. But it, it holds you back so much. Because as humans, we are master storytellers, and we can just continue to spin the stories over and over again.

Eric Deschamps:
How we create drama

Wendy Dodds:
in our own lives. Yeah. But was really hard to work on that, not just the physical fitness side of that, but the mental aspect of being able to train for it, have my blinders on, and I had so many people in my life, you know, personally and professionally that and a lot of people supported me, but a lot of people didn’t.

Eric Deschamps:
Right.

Wendy Dodds:
Because, when we start to change Yeah. People don’t like that. Right? They don’t like when they they want us to to stay in our our limiting areas like other like like, maybe they are.

Eric Deschamps:
Yeah.

Kate Beere:
Yeah. Yeah. I know I wanna jump into sort of where, like, that negative self talk almost twists your perception of reality. I remember being, in couples therapy before my my divorce. And we did couples therapy with a couple, which was really interesting. So there’s 4 of you in a room. Gotcha. But one of the exercises was you have to repeat back what you heard.

Kate Beere:
Right? It’s very common in in therapy. And I like, my ex spoke, repeated back what I heard and, like, the therapist there’s like, well, you added these words in. And I’m like I’m like, what do you mean? She’s like, well, you said always and never. And I’m like I’m like, well, yeah. That’s what he said. And she’s like, no.

Eric Deschamps:
That’s 2 of the 5 words

Rob Dale:
that we need to remove from our county.

Kate Beere:
Right? I remember being like, no. That he said that like, I heard that, and she’s like, no. He didn’t say it. And I remember just being like,

Eric Deschamps:
what the fuck? Right.

Kate Beere:
I really thought my perception was Yeah. That’s what I heard. And so that’s my negative Yeah. That’s my brain adding in these words that weren’t even there. So the real what felt very real to me wasn’t real, and it took third party. So now part of my, like, go to is always what I heard was, right, like, I was lead with that versus because now I’m I’m I don’t trust my brain, but I really don’t. So has there’s been a time for you guys where something like that has ever shown up for you where it sort of, like, distorts your perception of of what you’re hearing or your reality or where you are.

Rob Dale:
Well, the big one for me was when, Stuntman Stu was on the episode, and he, pointed over at Eric and said, one day I’m gonna be it is you. Like, well, you know When I played back the video, I realized he never said that at all. He actually looked at me and said, you are a god. And, right?

Eric Deschamps:
I know. No. No. The difference between what Kate was describing and what you’re describing is we have footage Oh. That clearly tells us what actually took place.

Rob Dale:
Stu, I’m gonna I’m gonna

Eric Deschamps:
But I yeah. And, Stu, we love you, man. But I I think that’s so true. Like, what you’re describing, it that even when in communication with other people, we get the message wrong. Like, we we hear incorrectly. And and I think that’s why the more closed and convinced we are Yeah. The more we’re gonna get it wrong, more of the time. Yes.

Eric Deschamps:
We need to remain open and curious. Yep. So even if there’s a a a a view that you have of yourself rather than going closed and convinced on it. Yeah. What if you got open and curious as well? Is that really true? Are there other alternatives here? Are there other things that might explain what’s going on here? But as soon as we go closed and convinced, there are no other options other than I’m a failure. Or I’m I’m this or I’m

Kate Beere:
Right.

Wendy Dodds:
Yep. Yep. Wow. I think, living the someday life is a big one for me because I played that card and that conversation in my head so long, someday I’ll do this. Someday I’ll do that.

Eric Deschamps:
Next week. Next Monday.

Wendy Dodds:
Next week. Next Monday. Blah blah blah blah. Yeah. But that kind of, talk allows you to stay so soft in your thinking

Eric Deschamps:
Mhmm.

Wendy Dodds:
And allows you to play safe and be cozy and comfortable with the, again, the I don’t have to deal with it because that’s just just the way so if I think back to my marriage, that talk in my head about someday, you know, things will be better. Now they weren’t terrible in this you know, it it was a good 20 years, but it was I wanted more. We were on different paths. I wanted more in the journey. He wanted something different. But that negative self talk on, well, someday we’ll sit down and have the conversation, and someday we’ll figure it, or someday, like, when when the kids are older, whatever. And it it it just it held me back, so much

Eric Deschamps:
Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:
In in that situation.

Eric Deschamps:
Yeah. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Rob Dale:
We talk about, you mentioned about always and never, and I think the there’s the 5 words Yeah. They’re powerful words. Right? And and, even we reached out within the the the Facebook, group and encourage again, if you haven’t, if you haven’t joined to make sure you join that, you can find the link on our our website living richly dot me. But in the Facebook group, we ask them the question of what are the 5, what are the 5 words. Right? And and always never

Eric Deschamps:
Our 2.

Rob Dale:
Our 2 of them can’t.

Eric Deschamps:
The third one

Rob Dale:
should Yeah. And try.

Eric Deschamps:
And try.

Rob Dale:
And and this idea and I think for me, of those, the should and the try were the 2 that really resonated, I I didn’t realize how often I use that language, until it was pointed out to me and and now it is, in fact, I, you know, of I write on my monitor of my my desktop monitor is a little sticky key that has those words on it and a reminder instead of should, right, it’s I would like, I

Eric Deschamps:
Or I want.

Rob Dale:
Or I I want to sort of yes. You know, instead of try, it’s train. Yeah. And you change again death words, words that tear you down, you should be better at that. We should all over ourselves towards that speak to life, I would like to or I want to, and and you talk about how you’re gonna make a difference in Yeah. Whatever that area is.

Eric Deschamps:
Well, when’s the last time shame and guilt led to sustained change in your life? Right? Shame and guilt and that’s

Rob Dale:
that you use the word sustained.

Eric Deschamps:
Yeah. Well, it’s because shame and guilt can lead to short term change, and sometimes, you know, in some exceptions can probably lead to, a sustained change. But it’s it’s it’s change born out of obligation and guilt, and I’m not good enough. It’s it’s the wrong fuel. And that’s actually what the language of should reinforces. It’s the language of shame, obligation, and guilt. Whenever we say I should be this way or I should do that or I should have shown up like this, the unspoken part of that sentence is

Kate Beere:
Mhmm.

Eric Deschamps:
But I’m not or I didn’t. But it’s a it’s a very self defeating, accusing word that feeds that belief that I’m never going to be enough. If I was enough, I would be doing those things. I should be doing those things. Changing the language to one of I’m moving in that direction, I want that for my life, I this is important to me, should is often also like, we talk about the language of obligation, the unhealthy obligations that other people put on on us and Yeah. The unhealthy obligations we have of ourselves. Real transformation, real change is born out of desire in something that aligns with who you are and resonates with your values and what you want. And so should is a word that we ought to work very hard to remove from our vocabulary altogether.

Eric Deschamps:
You could never say the word should again and not miss out on anything.

Kate Beere:
100%. And, like, I know for me, like, doctor Sherry is, like, I I’m I’m so big on language, and I thought I was doing Thought it was really good until I got back in with doctor. And, like, she just constantly she’s like, okay. You said it this many times. So having her hold me accountable has really helped me get more present and back being really aware of my language and my self talk. And that’s great, but not obviously, not everyone has a therapist like that or someone they can go to, what are some ways that people can can or techniques or something that can help them kinda minimize that self talk?

Wendy Dodds:
Yeah. I I’d say reevaluating your environment, which can be really uncomfortable for people. What are you consuming? What are you absorbing? What are you letting into your mind? Yeah. You know, what what you choose to let in often is what flows out. So really taking a good hard look at your environment. Every year I go through all of the contacts in my phone, I go through all of my, you know, social media contacts and stuff. And, you know, new people come in and other people come out, but anything that isn’t, making me feel good, and I say the same thing to my daughters, you know, anything that makes you feel like you should be a different person or you’re using that those negative words were, I wish I was like this or I should be like this or whatever whatever, that is that that’s energy that holds you back. Right? Where where that bad energy that’s coming in, you you can’t let that, that new you gotta let that bad energy so that that new energy can come in.

Wendy Dodds:
So really taking a look at my environment, and then all of the shit that goes on in your head. Like, why do we decide to let people rent space in our head.

Kate Beere:
Mhmm.

Wendy Dodds:
Right? We let people rent space in our head, whereas we need to

Rob Dale:
And it’s not even

Wendy Dodds:
possible. Landlords. It’s not even possible.

Eric Deschamps:
It’s a bad business model.

Kate Beere:
Add

Kate Beere:
to that shit. Right?

Eric Deschamps:
And We’re in a major deficit. Where I’m

Rob Dale:
being doing the debate.

Eric Deschamps:
And I’ll be like, yeah. Mhmm. They get to live there. Those they get to live there for free.

Wendy Dodds:
Right. And we choose that. The price.

Eric Deschamps:
Exactly. We are paying their rent

Kate Beere:
Yep.

Eric Deschamps:
In the suffering that we end up with, because of that. I mean, think of, think of the word can’t for a second. And this is a word that comes up so often, in our coaching work where someone says, I just can’t do that. What we’re advocating here, and we wanna be crystal clear, is not some kind of false optimism, right, that doesn’t deal with reality, that actually, the optimist, right, in, if we go back to Ken Bergeron’s Ken Bergeron.

Kate Beere:
Ben Bergeron.

Eric Deschamps:
Ben Bergeron. I’ve I’ve been saying Ken lately. I think he just should change his name to Ken. Yeah.

Kate Beere:
I’ll I’ll

Eric Deschamps:
I mean Ken Bergeron, you’ve been notified. Ken. It’s Ben Bergeron. But he talks about how, you know, you’ve got the what the victim, you’ve got the pessimist. Right above that, you’ve got the optimist, and that’s where most people are striving for. But even the optimist is telling themselves stories. They’re not actually dealing in truth necessarily. They’re trying to convince themselves that life is peachy keen and everything’s fine.

Eric Deschamps:
The realist is the one that’s actually dealing with life head on, and that’s what we’re advocating for. But when someone says I can’t overcome this or I can’t, overcome this sales challenge, I can’t, mend this relationship. I can’t immediately, the brain says you’re right. You can’t and all doors to possibility close. What is a better way to approach that is that is really hard. It’s gonna be really hard for me to mend this relationship, it’s gonna be really difficult for me to, deal with this situation. That is a realistic approach. Yeah.

Eric Deschamps:
It still leaves the door open for something else. But as soon as you you tell the mind, give it a command, the the the mind is an organ that listens to verbal cues. Right?

Kate Beere:
Yeah.

Eric Deschamps:
You say I can’t, you’re absolutely right.

Kate Beere:
Yeah. Absolutely.

Rob Dale:
And and, you know, and I think go back to what you just said about not everybody can have a a therapist. Yeah. Right. In a way we can, and that is by having by having the right community around us. Absolutely. And I and I think one of the, easiest ways to overcome negative self talk

Kate Beere:
Yeah.

Rob Dale:
Is to give permission to the people that are in your trusted community To call you out on your Yeah. On your, negative self talk. 100%. And I appreciate, you know, you do that. We do that for each other. We do it for each other like, to have those opportunities to be able to say, what’s a different way to say that? Or Yeah. Interesting that you chose that word. Talk to you know, like, we do that with each it’s one of the powerful ways to have, in a way, a therapist in your circle all

Kate Beere:
day. I love that approach. I think to, I mean, get to mindset, if for me, comes to mind, obviously, because that is all about replacing I could, I should, I would Yeah. With I get to. And and And what I said earlier is where I thought I was really good with my language. I’m really good with my language when it’s in certain Yeah. Circumstances. So when it comes to the negative self talk, It’s not regulated.

Kate Beere:
Right. And that for me was really eye opening. And so, I think those were all great tools. I’m curious to know if we can give an example of, like, maybe a disempowering thought that you’ve had that you’ve been able to replace with an empowering one that maybe we can share with our viewers or listeners so they can they can take that one away too.

Wendy Dodds:
I think I kind of referenced this, a couple minutes ago, which is where your energy goes, your energy flows.

Kate Beere:
Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:
Your mind is a muscle just like every other part of your body, and it it listens to everything you

Rob Dale:
tell it. Mhmm.

Wendy Dodds:
But it also takes time. Like, just trying to train your biceps. Don’t be flexing now, guys. Like Yeah. Yeah. It is. Takes time to build the ground.

Eric Deschamps:
Big bulky Saturday.

Wendy Dodds:
I know.

Kate Beere:
If Oh,

Rob Dale:
that’s too bad. Sun’s out. Gun’s out.

Wendy Dodds:
But just like training a muscle

Eric Deschamps:
totally gonna take that one.

Wendy Dodds:
Just like training a muscle, your mind is the same thing. Yeah. So what are you feeding it? What are you putting into it?

Eric Deschamps:
I remember years ago, it was 2017, I, had just hit the wall big time, this is I described this in previous shows. It was the worst burnout of the 3. We I woke up 1 morning physically almost blind, for the better part of 6 to 8 hours. I can’t remember exactly, but it was half a big part, and they rushed me to the clinic. I was having massive chest pain and what it turned out was a massive panic attack, I just come to the end of my my rope. And I, went down and spent a week with Sherry in, Bedford, Pennsylvania where she’s located and, was doing daily sessions with her over the period of the day, and I remember on a board over the course of a week on a whiteboard, the scripts, the false thinking and beliefs that I had, started to emerge and it was quite something to look at it. Matter of fact, I’ve I still have it so that I can reflect on it and remind myself of how far I’ve come, but one of the most disempowering beliefs that I had was the why bother. Why bother? So whenever I’d run into something difficult because I believe so, my my thinking about myself was so negative, my self critic, my inner critic was so loud, and so present that it was like, well well, why bother? Why bother putting in the effort? Why bother putting in the work? I’m never gonna overcome this.

Eric Deschamps:
I’m never gonna make a difference. People are still gonna get hurt when they get close to me and they’re still gonna wanna leave, so why the fuck bother? Right? And that’s now change to, you know, from why bother to why not. Like, the why bother script no longer shows up for me, honestly, and hasn’t in several years. And that’s probably the most significant one in terms of, coming into a new level of mental strength, resilience, the ability to face off. I remember at that time, if anything else had happened in my life, I felt like I was gonna come apart at the seams. And now when shit shows up on my doorstep, it still stings, it still hurts. I don’t welcome it. But I look at it and I go, oh, I’ve seen you before.

Eric Deschamps:
Maybe not in this exact configuration, but I’ve got a you know, one thing I’ve come to believe is I’m one tough son of a bitch, and I’ve come through an awful lot, and I’ve got a track record of overcoming it. Mhmm. So now it’s not why bother? It’s like, okay. Yep. Why not? Yeah. Like, bring it. Let’s go.

Rob Dale:
One that you taught me, was, the it is what it is. Right? And and I remember the first time when you said

Kate Beere:
to me

Eric Deschamps:
hate that one.

Rob Dale:
Right. Well so and I did People use it all the time. And it it’s such a common one that I didn’t even pick up on it, right, and you and until you said I remember you in a conversation or where it was, but, you know, to change that language instead of it is what it is, it is, you know, what you make it to be or what you want it to be.

Eric Deschamps:
It is what you make.

Rob Dale:
And and, Ira and now I can’t unhear it.

Kate Beere:
Right.

Rob Dale:
So every time I hear somebody go, well, it is what it is, I go, or It is what you make it to be. And and people stop, and they you can tell they’re kinda almost caught off guard when you when you correct that, you correct it, but you challenge it, because it’s such a but it’s such a defeated, I got no control over this,

Kate Beere:
it is what it is.

Eric Deschamps:
It’s victim language.

Rob Dale:
It’s like, you know, victim language to

Eric Deschamps:
say I’m helpless. There’s nothing I can do

Kate Beere:
to do.

Eric Deschamps:
Yeah. Listen. The reality is there’s all kinds of stuff that we don’t have control over. I can’t control anybody else’s decisions, actions, feelings, reactions.

Kate Beere:
Yeah. And

Eric Deschamps:
nor am I supposed to try. Actually, if you if you want to, sign up for the worst job in the in in the world, sign up to be general manager of the universe. It’s gonna make you miserable. Right, understanding what you can control and can’t. But when we say it is what it is, we are literally just saying, I’m helpless. Yeah. Hopeless. I’m a victim.

Eric Deschamps:
Yep. Changing the languages, it is what I make it, doesn’t mean I can transform the person on the other side, but I can change my perception, my perceptive, in my approach to this, where I actually have full control over my own faculties, and I don’t have to just sit there and let life ride over me

Kate Beere:
Mhmm.

Eric Deschamps:
In a fatalistic sort of victim way.

Kate Beere:
It’s so powerful. I know for me, mine was I was going through something I was dealing with something on a personal level. And so I was in a session with Sherry, and I said, I just I need to bounce something off of you.

Eric Deschamps:
Oh, this is so good. I love

Kate Beere:
it. And I was I was just like I I was dealing with something, and I’m like, I just I can you help me figure out if I put this in the parking lot? And the parking lot for me is where I don’t deal with it. And so it’s where I go. And she’s like, okay. Well, when it’s in the parking lot, talk talk to me what that what does that mean for you? What does feel like what does that look like. And I’m like, well, I’m I’m numb because I’m not I’m not dealing with it. It’s over to the side. And then she just looked at me like she does.

Kate Beere:
And she’s like, are you numb or are you neutral? And I just went, woah. Because I was like, Numb is you’re not feeling. Neutral is you’ve actually done the work, and you’ve moved through the scenario and on the other So I have never Yep. In my 48 years felt neutral. I didn’t even know what it was. I’m like, sure. This is really, like I don’t know. Well, I

Eric Deschamps:
think you were you were feeling uncomfortable that you weren’t being drawn in more, triggered more by this situation.

Kate Beere:
I I was okay with the outcome. It Come, it it wasn’t negate of emotion. There was a lot of emotion behind it, hence not being numb, but I truly felt neutral. It was like this place of peace that I had actually worked through something all the way through.

Kate Beere:
And I

Kate Beere:
remember afterwards just being like, I like neutral.

Eric Deschamps:
Right? Like, because we’ve all been, like, we’ve all been there where, like, in certain like, to your point, I loved how you referred to it earlier. In some ways, we can be so strong on certain fronts, and then we have our Achilles’ heel areas. Right? Those areas where, man, and we fall over. Like, it just takes we we we can be so fragile, but to be able to move through those situations and come to that point, we’re now in in in in similar circumstances where certain stimuli it would trigger you tremendously and send you off on this you’d spin out for days to be able to then look at it and Yeah. Remain like, zen.

Wendy Dodds:
Yep. Yeah.

Eric Deschamps:
So that’s evidence of the work being done.

Kate Beere:
Yeah. It was really cool. Okay. So if we Start abandoning those negative self talks. We’re doing the work. We’re starting we’re starting to feel more maybe more more neutral. As you start to decrease those negative thoughts, like, how does that impact your overall, like, personal growth journey? Like, what does that look like? Wow, how does it come? Right?

Eric Deschamps:
I think Rob’s ready to answer that.

Rob Dale:
No. No. Actually, it’s it’s such a great question. It’s, how does it not in fact, right, they get it impacts, I think, every area of your life. If anything, it it allows you as you begin to, set yourself free from negative self talk, you’re able to we talk or use this language all the time, but you’re able to now show up more authentically. The true you comes out, the void your voice is heard. You’re you’re you’re comfortable in your own skin, all of the kind of the cliches that we use there. But I think you’re able to show up more as you, when you set for I so we think back to children Who often before they are, lovable.

Rob Dale:
Doctor Kelly Flanagan talks about this. Right? As, you know, it’s children. We’re playing, and we we haven’t learned shame. We haven’t learned the the the language of negative self harm. And so we’re free and we sit around and we sing and we dance and we do all this, we were silly and all of this stuff, it’s only after the self negative self talk, takes control, then we stop all of that.

Kate Beere:
Yeah.

Rob Dale:
So I guess as we begin to come free of that, we go back to that childlike wonder in how we live each moment instead of childhood fear. Instead of yeah. Right?

Eric Deschamps:
Like great way to I I love that. I like the child like, we we start with child, like like, wonder, and then somehow we move over to fear. Right. I think I think not too bad. Many of us are are fragile. And and when we’re not getting the, this power of self talk is if we’re depending on the affirmation of others, if we’re depending on others to tell us that we’re okay, listen. We all need affirmation. We all benefit from encouragement.

Eric Deschamps:
But if we’re dependent on it Yep. For our sense of well-being, we are being held hostage by other people’s goodwill.

Kate Beere:
Mhmm.

Eric Deschamps:
If they give it to us great and we feel great, if they don’t withhold it from us, then we feel like shit. We feel like that scared little kid in the corner hiding from real life. Right? So when we can when when we learn to literally encourage ourselves and speak those words and change our language, we become come less dependent on external affirmation Yeah. And we we become more resilient.

Wendy Dodds:
I’m a big believer in bringing your own sunshine.

Kate Beere:
Mhmm.

Wendy Dodds:
So, yes, you know,

Eric Deschamps:
love that.

Wendy Dodds:
Like you said, like, we all love affirmation and and Yeah. All of that kind of stuff from people. But being able to celebrate yourself, cheer yourself on Mhmm. Motivate yourself, show up for yourself. That’s how all of that is tied into your self worth. So I know for me, learning how to abandon self talk, and I think even abandoned for me is a strong word because it’s still there. I have to work very hard at recognizing when those signs of, you know, chipping away at myself were start to show up. But over time and over the years, it’s really helped me realign what my values are, what my priorities are, and really have helped me shape the thought around giving 0 fox what anybody thinks.

Kate Beere:
Yeah.

Eric Deschamps:
Right.

Wendy Dodds:
And I don’t mean that in a disrespectful way. Right. I mean that in a way of we have complete control Over the choices we make in our life. A lot of people will say, well, no. I don’t have a choice. You always Yep. Have a choice. Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:
You might have to go many different directions, but you always have a choice.

Kate Beere:
So I

Wendy Dodds:
think it’s really tied into self worth.

Eric Deschamps:
A 100%. I mean, I think of how, this journey of changing the language I and the beliefs that I have about myself, how transformative it’s been. People always, like, they often I’ve told my story and I get people that say, you never thought that about you, like, I just never imagined you would struggle with those things, and I’m always like, shit, if you only knew the the the whole story. Yeah. I shrank back most of my life held myself back Mhmm. I would get only so far, and then I would sabotage my own efforts because, again, I didn’t believe, that I was worthy, that I was enough.

Wendy Dodds:
Right? But you were smiling on the outside. Smile on

Kate Beere:
the outside.

Wendy Dodds:
Outward smiles. On

Kate Beere:
the inside.

Rob Dale:
It was screams.

Wendy Dodds:
Right? Smiles, inward dreams

Eric Deschamps:
But and and I’ve never done this, but I wanna take a minute a quick minute and just I wanna read something here because it is such, I think, a powerful, example of of what can change when you do the work. And it’s a quote by Marianne Williamson that is often attributed to Nelson Mandela because he used it in his 1994 inaugural speech

Kate Beere:
Mhmm.

Eric Deschamps:
And so many people say that and Nelson said this. Mandela said this. He didn’t actually he was quoting Marianne Williamson but I think there’s people listening right now that need to hear this. The quote is this. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure, it is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of god and your playing small does not serve the world, there’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We were all meant to shine as children do.

Eric Deschamps:
We were born to make manifest the glory of god that’s within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Kate Beere:
Mhmm.

Eric Deschamps:
Mhmm. Stop shrinking back.

Kate Beere:
Mhmm. Powerful. Super, super powerful. Okay. As we’re nearing the end here, what advice would you guys give to our listeners around Transforming their self talk. Mhmm. Anyone? Yes.

Eric Deschamps:
Well, yes.

Kate Beere:
Kate, I

Eric Deschamps:
only have something

Kate Beere:
to say

Eric Deschamps:
about that.

Kate Beere:
Thank you, Kate.

Wendy Dodds:
I’ll tie it back to taking a look at what you’re, what’s in your environment, who’s in your environment and what you’re consuming, learning how to seek and embrace a growth mindset, which can be really overwhelming for people, but choosing a few very small things that you could start to implement in your day to day and focusing really on learning and improvement rather than fixing yourself. And and tying that into embracing challenges and seeking growth, getting to the point where you almost crave that discomfort because you know that it’s gonna make you a better person.

Eric Deschamps:
Yeah. I love that. Love that.

Rob Dale:
There’s a great book, The Inner Game of Tennis. And, people think it’s a tennis book, and it’s not. Although

Kate Beere:
be a little

Kate Beere:
hard to

Eric Deschamps:
Let’s let’s from a marketing perspective, I ever came up with that title in, the entertainment aspect.

Rob Dale:
And it’s a it’s a book written by a tennis instructor. And it’s still not about tennis. A a guy who’s trained all kinds of, great tennis players, and he talks about the notion of the game as one right here before it’s ever. Right? And so the notion of it, it’s a really good book around changing. It’s all around the inner critic and how you kick out the inner critic, how you to give the inner critic the walking papers as you as you’ll say. And I would say is, the advice I would give to people is, start with just 1 or 2 words that you’re finding yourself. Like, don’t feel like you need to change the game, all of it. Right?

Eric Deschamps:
You don’t do it all at once.

Rob Dale:
You don’t do it all, but just start with one word. Start with, you know, start with the 5.

Kate Beere:
Yeah.

Rob Dale:
Even all you did is wrote out those 5 and, again, do what I the way I did it is I had to. I wrote it. I literally had it on a sticky, yellow sticky on my monitor that I saw every day and the number the amount of my clients who will tell you they’ve done the because I tell them to do it Yeah. When they use that language. So even I would just say start with a few words and just say over the next 3, 4 months, my goal is to see these words eliminated from my vocabulary.

Eric Deschamps:
Yeah. And and I would say, even not just the words that you speak, but how you speak to yourself. Yeah. Totally. Conscious of of the tone. Be conscious of the spirit in which you you’re you know, what’s behind that self talk. Talk to yourself like you would your own child. If your child was fell down and skinned their knee, would you scold them and yell at them and call them a loser, or would you help them? Would you speak kindly to them? If your best friend was struggling, with something horrible, going through terrible pain, again, would you judge them? Would you condemn them? Would you attack them? Or would you speak love and encouragement and life to them? Well, if we can do that to others, if we were able to turn that around Mhmm.

Eric Deschamps:
Even 10 or 20% in our own direction and start being more kind to ourselves, more compassionate in our own direction, that is a game changer.

Kate Beere:
Wow. I I still believe your brain just, like, every thought you have, you will believe. So I I love what you said about being kind. Mhmm. Being kind to yourself, be kind to how you speak to yourself. You know, if you tell yourself you’re tile tired, you’re gonna be tired. If you tell yourself, I feel energized, you’re gonna be energized at the end of the day. A quote from Buddha.

Kate Beere:
I’m gonna read it because I do love it. And I thought it was really fitting for this as we kinda near the end of the show is what you think you become what you feel, you attract, and what you imagine, you create.

Eric Deschamps:
Oh, so good.

Kate Beere:
And I thought it was just such a powerful quote.

Eric Deschamps:
Yeah. I love it.

Kate Beere:
Awesome. That’s amazing.

Eric Deschamps:
Yeah. What a great conversation.

Kate Beere:
Oh, it was fantastic. It’s great. Thanks so much for joining us on today’s episode. It was, great conversation as always. Please like, share, and subscribe so we can reach as many people as we can with the living rich message. You can also follow us on our website at livingrichly.me, where you can now sign up for our private Facebook group, which is doing some Slowly. Yeah. And we have exclusive content on there just for you, plus you have access to this great community of people all coming together.

Kate Beere:
And you can also download our 15 day guide?

Eric Deschamps:
You sign up for it. It may not be ready by the time this goes live.

Wendy Dodds:
But it’s

Kate Beere:
fine for for our 15 day life vision challenge. I will get that right at some point.

Kate Beere:
So you can

Kate Beere:
you can join it there. So thank you so much again for joining us. Until next time, continue living your best life.

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