In this episode, Eric, Rob, and Trefor dive into a conversation about getting clear on your values. They talk about why this is such a critical step as you build your richest life and share some useful suggestions on how you can connect more deeply with what you value most.
Show Notes for Episode 9
Here are a few of the tools, resources and links we discussed in this episode:
- We found a great tool to help reveal your values called The Live Your Values Deck. Worth a try!
- You can also do the Values Inventory Quiz which is a free tool that you can use to start exploring your values further.
- We also found a useful article called What Are Your Values? that you may find useful.
- A great tool is Albert Ellis’ 15 Irrational Beliefs. Ellis is the person behind cognitive behavioral therapy and rational emotive behavioral therapy.
- And here are a few more questions you can ask yourself to help locate your values:
- Where do you get your energy?
- Where do you spend your time that “fills your cup”?
- Think back to your childhood – before life got complicated – and think about what you were passionate about and gave your time and energy to.
- When do you feel most like yourself? What are you doing? What are the circumstances?
- What things and what people inspire you? And what is it about those things or those people that really light you up?
- What is a long-standing goal that you have had that has withstood the test of time? There may be clues about what you really value in there!
Episode 9: What Do You Actually Value?
There is going to be no instance where you’re going to have a sustained quality of life or living your best life — your richest life — if you’re not doing it in alignment with what you value most.
Rob Dale, Eric Deschamps, Trefor Munn-Venn
There’s gonna be no instance, I think, where you’re gonna have a sustained quality of life or living your best life, your richest life if you’re not doing it in alignment with what you value most.
Hi, and welcome to the Living Richly Podcast. My name is Rob Dale, and I am here with these two clowns, Eric Deschamps and Trefor Munn-Venn. Trefor, you continually turn off all during the recording of these podcasts. He turns off yhe monitor on my iPad’s going on and he just does it subtly just in the middle of conversations around things.
Uh, so I have no idea what we’re talking about today, guys. One, one of us is Living Richly. We do wanna welcome you to the podcast and, uh, thank you so much for being a part of this journey with us. Uh, we are, uh, three friends who, uh, began a journey, uh, uh, asking the question, what does it mean to live richly?
Mm. And, uh, out of that, uh, came all kinds of self-discovery and learning and all this stuff, and then now this podcast, and so much of what we’re doing with the, with the Living richly uh, branding of being able to communicate because we felt in our conversations with friends, Colleagues with, uh, clients that a lot of other people, it seemed to resonate.
Yeah. Uh, that they wanted to experience this. So we, uh, a couple of episodes ago, uh, episode six, I believe it was, uh, we began to, to just look at and explore seven actually, um, episode seven. Yeah. We began to explore, yes, you’re right. Uh, the. Uh, what we saw as being the, the blueprint that worked for us. Mm.
Uh, and we certainly said at the time, uh, with that episode that there may be many other ways that you might approach living richly. This one seemed to, there were themes that seemed to resonate for all three of us. Uh, and that’s what we want to be able to provide, uh, for all of you that are listening and to have more conversation around.
Uh, and when we looked at that, we looked at, there were basically four. Elements, or four pieces I should say. Uh, and the first one was around the notion of values, being able to truly understand what matters to us. Um, so maybe let’s just take a few minutes to talk about why that’s important. I know we talked about in that podcast and you can certainly listen to it to get a, a full, uh, understanding of it from there.
But we did say we were gonna go deeper on it. So let’s just start with maybe. What, why does it matter? Why should anyone start, uh, with the idea of, uh, what do they value? Well, I think in, in, in one way, it is, uh, probably one of the most, uh, basic examples of choosing your life as opposed to just coasting, uh, deciding what you’re gonna stand for.
Yeah. What kind of person you’re going to be, how you’re going to show up. Um, a as opposed to, uh, you know, inheriting that from someone or, or living in alignment with somebody else’s values, which in reality, if we don’t define them for ourselves, We are gonna be living by somebody else’s expectations, uh, of our lives.
And, uh, I think we’ve all been there. We’ve all lived under obligation where we should be doing this and we should be that, whether it be to parents or uh, uh, we’re shing all over ourselves. We’re shing all over ourselves cuz we’re, yeah, instead of living in alignment to who we really are. Uh, we are living under some sort of unhealthy obligation to somebody else’s expectations.
You’re absolutely living by values. Uh, the real question is, are they yours? Brilliant. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, that’s a great way to put it. And you know, it doesn’t matter how good the other person’s values are. Let’s say you’re using, I don’t know, mother Teresa’s values, they’re still not aligned to you.
Right. And what. Like they may overlap for sure, but you, you’re, there’s gonna be no instance I think where you’re gonna have a sustained quality of life or living your best life, your richest life. If you’re not doing it in a line, in alignment with what you value most as part of it, but then also about how you’re navigating those moments.
What are the tools that you’re using to navigate those moments? Because those are the things that will help us. I. , whatever’s happening, good, bad, and ugly in our lives, right? So those two things together I think are critical. . Yeah. Yeah. And I think that often, uh, when we haven’t defined our own values, uh, again, that stress that comes out of that, uh, we again, because we, because there’s no definition to them.
We don’t know why we’re feeling stressed. We don’t know why we’re feeling frustrated. Mm-hmm. Uh, so many people, when, when, when you even, you say to them, Hey, uh, how you doing? How you feeling? I’m not doing really good. I don’t know why I can’t put a finger on it. I can’t, I can’t def I, I don’t, I, I’m just, I’m just not.
I’m just, you know, I got all I should be again, because I’ve got all this success, right? And I’m just not, uh, there is a misalignment with values. Uh, at the core of that, I would, I would go even further to say that. Um, think of the things that you get, the, the angriest about when you get the most upset, um, is usually when someone steps on one of your values.
And you may not even be aware it’s a value, but the reason you get. Uh, upset, uh, about a way, uh, somebody shows up or, uh, the, the way that they, uh, interpret the world is that they’re stepping on something that’s important to you. Uh, knowing what’s important to you, knowing what defines you as an individual is truly, as we’ve used in previous episodes, the language of a compass.
It helps you stay on track with who you are. It helps you align your life appropriately. And all of us experience moments where we stray, uh, where we get off track, we get lost, we lose our way a. Uh, we’ve talked about the covid hangover and how so many people, uh, during that period of time, literally right around the world for the first time, uh, uh, a global event impacting the entire human population all at the same time.
Um, uh, so many people lost their way. So many people lost their why. Mm-hmm. Um, and, and yet I think it’s, it’s part of the human experience that the vast majority of people never actually find it. Um, When anything matters, then anything will do. Like if, if, if, if nothing really matters, then anything will do.
Uh, if, if there’s no preferred destination, then wherever I end up, I guess is okay. Uh, but are we living our life on purpose? Are we living our life more deliberately? Uh, at the very foundation of living a rich life is setting the course and aligning your life accordingly. Right? And of course, If we don’t define them to what you’ve already said, uh, we would typically live by other people’s values a lot of times.
Uh, we were talking about this earlier, about the idea or, uh, before we started the podcast, about the idea that almost this generational thing that that happens mm-hmm. , that that values are almost a, uh, passage to adulthood where you now take the values. You, we were raised by certain values by our parents or by the significant people in our lives.
Uh, and now you start to question those. That’s part of maybe the, the. Teen years that, that, the rebellion phase, if you will, is that it’s about testing beliefs. You know, we come outta the church world and one of the things that you would see often in the church world is, is the, uh, the, the children, the teenagers, would begin to rebel against the beliefs of their parents.
And I remember even as a youth pastor, I don’t think that’s limited to the church. No, of course. Yeah, that’s true. Yeah, no, that’s right. My experience, what I, where I was going with. I remember as a youth minister talking to parents and saying, don’t relax, like this is o it’s okay. Because that’s the only way that a, a young person can truly embrace their own beliefs is to question the beliefs that you’ve raised them with.
Right. And, and, and often we still, I mean, you know, you can leave home, uh, but it’s hard to, it’s how, how’s the, it follows you around. It follows you around, right? This idea that, that, uh, uh, home never leaves you. I think that’s how you can leave home, but home never leaves you. Right? There is that idea that some, we still hold to some of those things.
But getting to that point of really defining what they are, uh, and why they matter, uh, is such a critical step to figuring out the rest of what we’ve been talking about and what we’re gonna be looking at over the next little while. Uh, we see, we see kids do it reflexively rather than deliberately, right?
Yeah. So this is, this is the other part. We talk about that right of passage into adulthood. Well then, then there’s also the rite of passage into a, a healthy adulthood. Um, Where we are choosing those values. And you know, I got a few teens right now who are, I would say, are not being particularly thoughtful about how they’re choosing their values and expressing their beliefs.
Right now, I think they’re, they’re in overdrive and they’re, they’re just living it out, which is great. Like, that’s, that’s where they’re at. Like, I, I’m so good with that, but I think there’s a point after that where we step out of the mindset of a, of a child and say, as an adult, what am I gonna choose?
and, and that, that moment is so critical. It’s also the moment where we get to transform families. Mm-hmm. as well, because otherwise, If, if your, your greatest inheritance is probably the scripts you give your kids. Mm. Right? Because that’s gonna shape everything that they carry with them and their range of choices until they engage at those scripts themselves and, and form them on their own terms.
I, I love that. I’m gonna be telling my kids when they say, dad, is there an inheritance? I’ll be going, yeah, it’s gonna be scripts , here’s a list of affirmations. Sorry. Good luck with that. . Take that to the bank. Take that to the. Sorry kids. The, uh, , I spent all the money the, uh, right. But to, to be able to look and say, uh, you know, those values do get passed down generation after generation.
Mm. And, and we can actually stop some of that right by saying, that’s not how I’m going to live. That’s not the set of values I’m going to use. And we can start to interrupt things in really positive, good ways, but it goes against. wiring we’ve had since the day we were born. Right, right. Like it is, that’s why, you know, everyone says, if you think you’re enlightened, go home for Thanksgiving.
Right, right. , the, it’s, the greatest test is, is home and family because that’s where all the wiring happened originally. So it, it’s a great way to reveal like, where are you at and what’s actually going on? And it’s not that everything’s bad, it’s just we need to choose what is healthiest and best for us.
Right? That’s a good healthy value, not just, well, that’s how my family did, or my grandparents did, or their grandparents did it. So I guess that’s how we do it. Um, and that’s also not to throw away good, healthy traditions, right? And things that do get passed down. So it’s not an outright rejection, it’s to say, let’s deliberately look at these things and say, how do, how do we want to choose ’em?
But in reality, like how often is it done in that kind of deliberate fashion? Um, right. Almost never. Right. Almost. Un unspoken values or unnamed values, uh, are, are almost the same thing as unspoken rules. Uh, unspoken rules. We’ve all bumped into them either new at a job and we’re excited, uh, to join a new team.
And then we start bumping into these things that haven’t, they’re not in the training manual. No one talks about them, but hey, we, no, no, no. We don’t do that like that around here. Yeah. Um, and those can be very uncomfortable cuz they’re like landmines. We don’t quite know when we’re gonna bump into them. I think in a lot of families, uh, I mean where most of our values are formed at an early age, uh, they’re not deliberate.
They’re not explicit. There’s a lot of accidental values and values, uh, messages that aren’t healthy. There’s a difference between caring forward. I think the, the act of, uh, part of becoming mature, uh, and becoming your part of your best self is, is the ability to reach back. Into your family of origin and mine, the gold, what are the powerful values that I learned that are truly core to who I am?
Because that was the influence I got, uh, growing up. And also identifying in, in some ways some of the, uh, the mixed messages or the unhealthy messages that we carried forward. Uh, and, and that was b big part of what we talked about in the last episode around self-acceptance is again, what do you believe about yourself?
What do you believe about the world? And challenging those statements, uh, defining your own values, which may be influenced by, uh, your family of origin. But they truly are an expression of who you are, even if the values are similar, it’s how you’re choosing to bring them forward, uh, into the world.
Because anytime we try to, uh, wear somebody else’s armor, it’s not gonna go well, uh, if we’re trying to live somebody else’s life. It’s not gonna feel right. Um, and I think that’s what we get when we don’t define them. There’s a, there’s a measure of lostness, uh, and we’re still being influenced by these, these, these forces, by these values.
Uh, but almost we’re, we’re almost not aware of, of what’s going on. And so we end up behaving. And so how, how many times have we done something said, well, what, what are they thinking? You’re like, why did I say that and how, why did I respond this? Shadow forces are pulling strings. This is the programming that hasn’t been challenged.
Part of defining your values is you choosing and deciding again, this is who I want to be. This is how I want to show up. This is what really matters to me. And another great, uh, way to look at it’s, this is how I would like to be remembered. Uh, if, if, if this is what I inherited, when I think of what I am going to pass.
To the next generation, to my children, uh, what would I want them to walk away with? Right? Uh, and, and they may embrace some of those values. They may not, but at least they’ll be clear on the positive lessons learned, uh, about how I was trying to live my life. So let’s get real practical. Yeah. Let’s, uh, let’s talk about, uh, how one goes.
uh, defining their values. Uh, I know that you’ve given some, some, certainly there’s lots of tips in what you just talked about, but what are some real good, uh, best practices to helping, uh, someone who is ready to take this journey of going, okay, I’m, I’m, it’s time for me to figure this out, but where do I start?
Right. I, well, I think there’s a number of questions you can ask yourself. Yeah. And, and we’re gonna post a lot of those questions in the show notes. Even some great practical free resources online that, uh, self-reflective exercises that are gonna walk you through a number, uh, of great things you can do.
Um, I, I think, uh, some key questions like, where do you get your energy when you think of what you value? These, these are typically things that not only you, uh, you value, but they, they bring energy to you. Very rarely, uh, will a core value drain you, , you know, what, can I just jump and energize you? It should energize you.
When you’re engaging or moving in that direction, you feel energized. Well, I, I love that you used the word energy there because you didn’t say, Energy. Right? It’s where you know it, it might ri you up. Uh, and so I, I love using the word it. Where do you, when ri you up, rile you up? . Did I say wow, you up? No. Ri ri.
It’s a very old expression. What is it? I’m all riled up. I’m all riled up kids these days. Is that what you want me to do? There’s gonna be a brew. Huh? A brew. I’m sorry. We’re going off on a tangent. It’s okay. It’s okay. Steve will fix this and post that in . No, won’t. No, no, no. I don’t even know if Steve exists.
I, uh, I, we, we mention them in every podcast, dude. And yet we don’t know him. But, uh, uh, no, you know that. , you’re right. It’s, it is, it’s an energy positive or negative. Uh, often that’s where you can find your values is what do you get really, like intensely angry, you know? So one of my core values is fairness, right?
The, this belief that, uh, that everyone should be given a should be. Now, I don’t believe that the world is fair. I was gonna say we’re gonna go to ellis’s 15 irrational statements number 12. Yeah, absolutely. No, because I don’t believe the world. Is fair and I don’t believe that we should. The world. To be fair, I do believe by fairness, when I I talk about that is this notion of, I do believe that, uh, everyone should be treated with dignity.
Uh, that, uh, with a, with a sense of respect, uh, you know, in, in that context. And so a. , I can get riled up when, you know, uh, I remember a few years ago, uh, getting so, uh, uh, my former roommate from Bible college, uh, who had, uh, you know, after many years after graduating, had had, uh, come out and basically declared that he was gay.
And the response of so many, and I came to his defense because it was like, this is a, a good human being who should be treated. Uh, as such, and who the hell cares about their sexual identity? Uh, and I could become fiercely defendant of someone else because I felt that they were being treated unfairly by others.
Yeah. Uh, right. So I, that’s a great example. I think you, you, you, something that you value, you will feel when it’s being fulfilled. Uh, you will feel tremendous positive energy when it’s being denied. Uh, right. Then you will, you will feel. Often a passionate energy of, uh, trying to fight for it. Yeah. Uh, in, in a right.
Defend it. It’s gonna flow. Energy’s gonna flow, right. Energy’s going to flow there. Uh, another one is time. Mm-hmm. , where do you spend your time now? Uh, that’s a trickier one because, uh, uh, in today’s world of distraction and social media, Facades and uh, uh, you know, I’m smiling on Instagram, uh, but I’m dying on the inside.
I mean, it’s hard to know. Uh, time can be a tricky one cuz it, it, uh, a lot of folks that I talk to outside of work, uh right, uh, their personal time is, Uh, is, is a mixed bag. They may not be investing it where they want to, but think of the places you do invest your time where you get a positive return.
Yeah, yeah. Uh, I’m not talking about binging another Netflix series or, or, or thumbing your phone on social media for hours on end. That may be have a numbing effect. It may have a distracting effect, but it typically doesn’t leave you feeling more centered, more grounded as a human being. Coping mechanism.
They’re coping mechanism. So I’m talking about the things you spend your time doing that fill your cup, and where you feel that positive return on investment. Uh, sometimes you might even say you, you had to drag yourself off the couch to go do it. Right? Uh, but then you’re like, man, I’m so glad I did that.
That’s the kind of feeling that’s, that’s, that’s another thing to look for. Interesting. Again, how you talked about, uh, we talked about it in the, in the last episode about the radical. Acceptance. Um, if, if you haven’t first, uh, started to own that one and embrace it, your time is probably spent trying to keep other people happy.
Right? Right. You’re trying to get that acceptance from others, and that’s why we said that’s the one thing that was so critical because. You’re or else you’re not gonna be able to use time as a way of defining what your values are, cuz you’re probably spending your time trying to get value from other people, right?
Absolutely. Yeah. Uh, I mean think also go back to your, uh, often in your childhood there are signs of things that you were good at and enjoyed before life got complicated. Mm-hmm. when life was a bit simpler. And I get that for some, their childhood is a real mixed bag and could even be a very painful, uh, place to explore.
But even. In dark places, there’s always a little bit of light. Um, and, uh, but look back to things that really, uh, you were passionate about, that you enjoyed doing, that you gave your time and energy to, that you may have just moved away from, uh, over the years. I mean, there’s this notion that often again, uh, as we, uh, uh, as we follow sort of society’s norm of.
Of finding a significant other and having kids and buying the house, and getting the mortgage and getting the career, uh, all of a sudden, all these other things start to crowd out the things that matter to us. And we find, again, fo folks reach a place in their life where they’re feeling a bit lost and they’re feeling like, uh, uh, where’s my life?
And all of this. Um, but going back to those moments where you were happier, where you were investing time and energy in certain, uh, things and, and showing up a certain way, there may be hints there too. Mm-hmm. , what about, what, what would you. So much of this is about everything you described and I agree with is about how we feel, right?
Mm-hmm. , right? It is a feeling exercise and, and I think one of the, it is, yeah. One of the things that’s really important is, uh, uh, what are the things that you do or experience when you feel most like you? , right? When you just feel so aligned, like you’re in your, your own skin, you feel relaxed, do you feel right?
The, the stress and anxiety starts to fall away and to not judge the activity. Right, but to look at that for some clues and some suggestions about what else is behind that as well. The, um, I, I, I think the more we can listen to that, the more it’ll reveal about what’s actually aligned with what we, what feels right.
What is. Deeply connected to, to the center of us. And that, again, is a very personal thing, right? Um, no one else’s answer. Others can guess what your values might be, and sometimes they’re really good guessers, like some that, that can be helpful if you’ve got people who really care about you and are not trying to hoist their values on you, but are truly trying to help reveal your values with you.
Uh, that’s a really valuable exercise to go through as. . Right? And, and many of these questions that we’re encouraging, that we’re talking and discussing about reflecting on will also help you with, uh, the next dimension in this model that, uh, has been emerging for us. Uh, help you figure out the things that enrich your life.
Like, uh, sometimes the question will d will either unearth a value or unearth an activity or something that you’ve engaged in the past that you, you might want to engage again. Uh, other questions, uh, to consider what inspires. What has, uh, what in, in a way that has inspired you over time, not just, uh, kind of flash in the pan or in the moment, right?
But something that has inspired you over time. Is there something there to be mined? Uh, what, what is a longstanding goal that you have had that has stood the test of time, something you’ve always wanted to do, or something you’ve always cared about? Uh, again, that’s another sign. Um, and there’s many other questions like those that, you know, another.
Yeah. Another question that I’ve asked people when they’re trying to, I don’t know what I value. Um, I remember having this conversation with one, uh, of my clients, uh, who had, uh, I, I knew that he was in a really good relationship and Mary’s had a couple kids and was just, you know, that was really good. And I said, tell me what attracted you to your wife?
What was it about her that really kind of said, where you said, this is the one, and he began to describe certain characteristics. Did you ask him this in front of. No. Oh, okay. Good. Good. . Whoa, . That’s like, talk about being on the hot seat. Yeah. Listen, and this is a very, uh, the analytical, non-emotional, you both of you would know if I mentioned his name.
Non expressive is non expressive. Yes. And see, you’re already guessed. Everyone’s emotional, Rob, not everyone’s expressing. Yes, that’s true. Very good point. And, and, uh, but he just as he began to share, uh, some of those qualities and those characteristics, all of a sudden there was some core themes and, and I said, do you think maybe that might be speaking to one of the values?
And, and you could just see, and even in like in his eyes and his expression and everything began to kind of, and, and I think whether it’s, uh, you know, the ki the people that you hang out with, that you find that you. Positive energy. Right? What is it about them that, what do, what do, what do you find relationship, just what inspires you, but who inspires you the most, who inspire, and what is it about them that inspires you deeply?
That again, I think you’re, you’re, you’re spot on is another sign that might be something that would make it into what? We considered your core values. Uh, again, there’s, uh, we’re gonna post a lot of these questions, some of the practical ways. Sometimes it can help, uh, to, um, uh, in an exercise like this. And, and I would say the core, core values isn’t something you’re probably gonna figure out overnight.
Uh, it, it’s gonna be a process. You engage in a reflective exercise and. , uh, uh, some tools that can be useful. Um, uh, often we have a list of what we call power words, right? That we give people. Yeah. And there’s different ways to do this, but it’s a list of, of, of words that just span all kinds of different, uh, values, things that people might, uh, really embrace.
And basically you go through the list and just start circling the ones that resonate. Uh, for you. Uh, and then you take another pass at it and you try to whittle it down to no more than 10. So you’ve gotta eliminate, then you whittle it down even further till you’re down to four or five. Right? Uh, and then I think, uh, again, it’s, it’s sometimes useful to start, uh, starting with a blank canvas can be intimidating.
Uh, using a simple tool like that, um, is, is a great way to do it. There’s actually an online version of that, uh, that we’re gonna post in the show notes where you can go online and, and it’s a free resource. Uh, you select the words and then the next round it won’t show you the words that you didn’t select.
And it, I found myself swearing at the screen while I was doing it the first time because it was like, more words are come out. Ah, it was so hard to pick which one. It’s hard to pick it. It, and so what I would say is, if you’re going to do an exercise like this, give yourself some time and space to do it.
Absolutely. Don’t, don’t see this as. But perhaps try to approach this e this exercise like all other reflective exercises, uh, with curious compassion as opposed to another project, right. Uh, that you have to get an a plus on. Uh, right. Cuz that, that’s good of, uh, kind of runs counterintuitive to the whole thing.
One of my favorite new ways of, of doing that exercise, uh, they have decks of cards now. Um, and I’ve, I’ve done this, uh, with clients and, and it’s a great actually exercise to do. Talk about the importance of doing this within community. Perhaps with people that know you is there’s a series of cards. Each card has a value listed on it, and you just flip them over one at a time, and ones that don’t resonate go into a certain pile.
The ones that sort of resonate go into another pile. The ones that really resonate. Go into one pile and you go through the whole deck until you’ve got your three piles. Then you just dismiss the other, the, the, the resonates a little and doesn’t resonate at all. And now you’re left with a, a series of power words, right?
Core values that, uh, uh, words that resonate for you. And then as you organize those out, you’re gonna typically recognize, the pattern I’ve seen is there are key themes. You can usually organize the remaining cards. Uh, some they’ll delete, they’ll, they’ll, with your value, , right? It’s like my. Uh, no, but it’s, it’s interesting, uh, then looking at that final deck, usually they’ll, they’ll, oh, no, let’s get rid of this one, this one, and this one.
Yeah. And then it gets much harder to, to eliminate. And this is where typically you’re going to notice some key themes, uh, forming, uh, that, uh, may not, not one of the words on the cars may actually be the theme, but they’re all representative of, of it. And it’s again, just a, a really fun process to do with someone who knows you.
Um, to help you, you can make this an exercise with friends over a glass of wine like you, right? Where you, you, you talk about what matters to you and you start to, uh, get a little bit more clarity, uh, around what matters. And, and we, we can throw links to that. Uh, totally. Yeah. Okay. These are all available on Amazon.
There’s two different version. My favorite version is, uh, The, the, uh, author, uh, created, uh, uh, some, all the artwork for each card. Yeah. So each art card is unique. They’re great, and, and there’s even action steps on the back of, of these particular ones to say, well, if, if you value this, here are some ways you might live that out more meaningfully.
So a great, I think tools and resources like that can make. Some of this stuff much easier than, again, just starting with a blank canvas. I I, I have a feeling some of the people listening must think either we’re crazy or we’re radical when we talk about the idea of, yeah, great Friday evening would be sitting around with a glass of wine and, you know, I, um, and, and doing values cards, driving.
Can I say something for that? So think of the amount of times we’ve gotten together with people and we have had conversations that don’t matter, conversations that go nowhere, empty conversations about somebody else, and it’s nothing. It’s nothing but smoke and mirrors or gossip and, and listen, we all need a place to vent.
Do you not think investing some of that time in an exercise that’s gonna help you get clear on what you want with people that you care for and care for you. I think that would be a good vestment. Listen, you’re and, and you’re, I know I’m preaching to the choir. You’re preaching to the choir. You know, a couple, a couple of months ago of preaching.
A lot of preaching, , a lot of preaching. I’ll get off the soapbox now. Apologies a couple of months ago. I’m passionate. Stop . Couple of months ago, uh, Wendy and I did a road trip. Uh, we went down to Lambeau to watch, uh, the Green Bay Packers and the Cowboys, Dallas Cowboys who won that game. Uh, go Cowboys.
Doesn’t matter who won the game, matters where they are. The standings today, . Uh, and that’s a lot of faith that I’m throwing out for this episode, which will be aired on January 4th. Uh, we’re, we’re getting more. This more. Well, one of the things that we did, we were driving and one and, and we bought a set of those cards and was such an interesting exercise.
As one was driving, the other was going through the exercise. And to your point, each card would talk about what that, what that says, that value would say to them, read the definition on it, and then what does that value say to them? Mm-hmm. And then why they’re putting it. I was putting it in each pile, or she was putting it each pile powerful and wow.
I mean, it was hours of, of conversation around, again, some of those, uh, those values that, that she held. That I held, held. And then how then we began to look at that list and say which ones are in alignment? Yeah. Uh, and how many of them that were. So it’s, it’s such a good exercise. And to your point, how much time do we waste?
in, in, you know, silly conversations, uh, that we could be spending some of that in these kind of valuable conversations around some of these stuff. Not all of this has to be done in meditation and in a journal. This is where I think you can make, uh, a lot of this self-discovery process a lot of fun. Yeah.
Uh, and make it part of, uh, even conversations with. Think of people you enjoy hanging out with and, and, and raising the level, the, the bar, the experience there. Uh, another useful exercise that, um, I’ve encouraged, uh, clients to do and have done myself is to imagine yourself, uh, near the end of your career.
Yeah. And, uh, we call it the retire party speech. Retirement party speech. So here you are about to retire, um, and all the people that you know best and love the most and who love you the most have gathered to celebrate. What has been a, a cool, a cool life, a cool experience, um, and the three or four people that know you more than anyone on the face of the planet have been asked to stand up and share a few words, uh, about you.
What would you want them to be talking about? Yeah. How would you want to be remembered? Uh, what’s really fascinating to me, and, and I have yet to see an exception to this, is when I’ve asked clients to go through this exercise, accomplishments are often. In the list of what they want to be remembered for.
It’s usually about personhood, character virtues that they had, attributes that they possessed, that inspired others. Uh, you know, it’s been said that, uh, no one on their deathbed ever wished that they had worked harder or worked more, uh, right. Uh, this notion of fast forwarding to, uh, uh, a future, uh, uh, where you envision yourself being a certain kind of person, what kind of person is that and how might you backtrack?
What are the values then that I hold dear that I need to lean into with greater deliberate intent? I, I so much prefer the retirement, uh, speech to the eulogy, uh, to use it, right? Uh, one exact, uh, yeah, . So, um, so we’ll have lots of practical, uh, um, uh, tools and resources that you can use to start to kind of find what your values are.
Uh, again, let’s just take a minute to emphasize. , why this is important to do and why. It’s one of the first steps and we, we, when we talk to business owners and we’re helping them around values, one of the things that we often will say is that these values are meant to be management tools. Uh, not marketing tools.
More than marketing tools, right? Yeah. They’re operational. Uh, right, operational. The same is true personally. Yeah. . So, so there’s, when Carrie and I, when Carrie and I bought this farm, the, we, we found one core value that was gonna guide everything that we did. So this is like this interesting intersection between it’s organizational and very personal as well.
And, and that value. It was, and it was interesting cuz it was instant for us. And I think the whole thing was kind of instant for us. You remember, I’m like, oh by the way guys, uh, I think I bought a farm the. Uh, and we were like, what, what the, uh, but with explanation became more clear about like, there was a lot of getting ready for, for that moment, but when it happened, like it, when we stood here, we’re like, this is where we need to be.
When we got asked that question about what, you know, if there was one value, what would it be? We had the exact same answer we had, I don’t know what it is instantly. And the, and the value was nurture. Mm mm. . Now in some ways you go, okay, nurture on a farm. Pretty obvious. And so, you know, we, we say soil, plants, animals, like we need to, to nurture and care for that.
But it’s also for us about nurturing, uh, our relationships with one another. Hmm. With the family on this. Property with every person who steps foot on this place, nurturing our relationship with the community. Right. And, and really diving into like, what does it, what does that mean? And so, you know, we’ve done a, we’ve done a bunch of things to say, okay, what do, what do we believe about Nurture?
We thought, well, nurture is also, it’s a creative exercise. It’s an artistic exercise. So we have this artist in residence Yeah. Program that we do as well, because not for them. do paintings of the farm, but for them to lend their artistic expression to this understanding of nurture so that we keep learning from it as well.
And so it’s this piece that’s affecting us both very, very personally and individually, but then also collectively to say, how, how are we gonna live this thing out? And every decision we make on the farm, we, we ask. So how does that speak to the, to the value of. Every single decision. So like we’re in this little building right now when we built this, we’re like, how does that contribute to that?
Like every single piece. And so that’s the question that guides our decision making and gives us a tool to interpret what’s around us and to say, what should we do? How do we live out this moment, this relationship, this whatever. And I remember there was one day where this, this guy was dropping stuff. Or actually he was picking up some stuff and it was down here at the bottom of a hill and it was from a rental place.
And he, uh, he stopped at the top of the hill and he goes, you’re gonna have to bring it up here. And he kind of barked at me about it and I didn’t like that. And I’ll tell you, I was not nurturing in that moment. And then he drove over my nets. And so it was, it was a whole thing. And now he’s buried back fit room to hide a body out here.
No. I’ll tell you though, the, cuz I was not nurturing, nurturing the soil that day with how that guy was acting. and, and I’m trying to find him. Right, right. Because I owe him an apology. Mm-hmm. . Right. And it’s not, not, the apology is about, uh, not really even cuz of him. But cuz I was out of alignment with my values right.
In that moment. And I, and I want to fix that. You know, it, it’s so interesting to me. Um, because we, we often joke around about, you know, you have one feeling, right? , right. And, and, and we joke, which is unfair. It, it is a joke, right? Yeah, I think so. . I think so. We joke around about that. That’s the rumor. Was interesting cuz as soon as, cuz I wouldn’t have, if you had said, guess what, the one thing that one value is, I would not have guessed nurturing, but as soon as you said it, I was my fir and we’ve never had this conversation before.
Uh, now. Um, but my first thought was, oh my God, that’s exactly who Trevor is. He’s a nurturer. Hmm. And I, and I think I think of that. I remember you go back to even the first time I met you and that connection, that, that sense of, oh, this guy’s such an interesting person. I wanna get to know him. But that’s, that’s the word.
Like I thought boys that, and again, this is the beauty of having people around you. Who could help affirm Yeah. What you see as those values. But yeah, that was my first thought that went through my mind is that’s exactly who and, and definitely Carrie. Yeah. But I, but I, you know, in speaking here right now, it’s like, yeah, that’s exactly how I see you as you are a nurturer.
Yeah. It’s this, again, it comes back down to when you decide this is important to me, this is how I want to show up in. , uh, I want this to, uh, uh, one it, and sometimes you may state it as a core value, but you’re working on it. Uh, so it’s, it’s aspirational. It might be a little aspirational. That’s okay. Yeah.
Um, I, I refer to connection, how that initially, for me now is core, but, uh, initially was aspirational because my tendency to withdraw mm-hmm. when things got tense in relationships and uh, right. As a self-protection kind of thing. Uh, but I think your core values, again, the value of them is they do. A direction they do, uh, help you find your way.
When you get lost, they help you stay in alignment. Um, they, they make actually decision making much easier. So fast, right? So fast. They help you cut through all the noise. Where, uh, often as I’m navigating, uh, difficult things, I will go back to what. What would courage look like here? What would compassion look like here?
What curiosity and connection look like here? Just asking myself those questions and anchoring myself in those values cuts through all the noise of many, many options and all of a sudden all kinds of options are going, whoop, that’s not how I want to live. I, those are, I can get much faster. And the ones that remind you remain are all aligned to who you really are, right?
Right. So you’re more like, More. You’re not gonna do this ever perfectly, but you will stay on in alignment with who you are more often, and there is no greater expression of living richly than bringing your most authentic self forward, right in every role relationship. Responsibility you have, uh, showing up fully as, as, as someone you’ve chosen to be.
Uh, what’s the, what’s the, uh, you know, like a lot of people just end up somewhere, uh, some just end up somewhere on purpose, right? Cause they chose to get there. I want to be part of that ladder group that just doesn’t coast through life, uh, and end up somewhere. Uh, it’s, it’s about setting the course, setting the destination, and.
The instrumentation, uh, in place, right. To keep you on track. I just, I love your values being, uh, helping you in making those decisions. Mm-hmm. , right? You’re being asked to commit to something. Well, what do, what? Not just what do my val what, how the, how do they show up in this? But even are they in alignment with it?
What do they. Say to this, right? What does Kurd say to this? What does curiosity say to this? And, and if there’s, if it’s, if it’s silence, there may not be a commitment, right. That you want to say yes to. So there’s, so, you know, again, as, as we were, this is not something that’s gonna be figured out overnight.
It’s not gonna be figured out just, you know, in, in two days or whatever it is a process. Uh, what I’m really excited about is how as we this talk and this conversation around values and then the conversation, we’re gonna. In the next episode around what enriches your life, what depletes your life, tho they, they really do go hand in hand and they are gonna support each other, and that’s going to be, so I do encourage you if you haven’t already, subscribe to the channel.
Uh, make sure that you’re ready as soon as that next episode comes out, because it does tie in so perfectly to this conversation around values as you begin to explore in very practical ways. What enriches you and, and, and what depletes you and how that aligns with your values. So subscribe to the channel as a first step to making sure that you, uh, stay in this journey with us and a part of the, uh, living richly community.
What else can, uh, can we do? We got a boatload of stuff for the website. Yeah, absolutely. So we have so many tools you can use. Uh, ones we’ve used some. But that we’ve heard about, you don’t have to use them all. Find one that’s gonna work for you. Uh, we’re gonna have those there, uh, links to the values cards that we were talking about.
Links to Ellis’s 15 irrational statement, Rob . Clearly, uh, I’ll help those memorized for next Guide Bite. Who will put all of those on the website? Feel free. They’re there for you. Yeah. And pay it forward. If, uh, this is resonating with you, if these conversations are impactful, if they’re helping you find your way forward, then pay it forward.
Help somebody else Share this out with your, uh, on your social networks. Uh, share it out with your friends and family. Um, and, uh, we’d really appreciate you helping get the word out. We really do value. Having you a part of this journey. I hear what you did. Oh, I see what you did there. Yeah. No, I, it is so deeply appreciated that you are, uh, tuning in and listening.
Uh, thank you so much for that. Thank you for taking the time to listen today and, uh, we hope you’ll be a part of the next one.