Stuck No More – From Languishing to Living Your Best Life

Eric Deschamps:

We’ve all felt trapped at some point in our lives, but the reality is you’re never as stuck as you think you are. Today, we’re gonna be exploring how to get your mojo back that’s coming up next. Hi, and welcome

Rob Dale:

to live in Richley podcast. Have you ever felt stuck? Have you ever felt like you’re absolutely in a rut, like you’ve plateaued, or you’re just not sure how you’re gonna get out of it? wanna welcome you to the Living Richleaf podcast. so great to have you join us. We’re gonna be talking about this today. We’re gonna be unpacking the idea of What does it mean to be stuck? How do you get out of that, stuckness and begin to, move forward again in life? It is sometimes one of the most, subtle, things that can happen. All of a sudden, you’re just you’re moving along and and might be weeks, months, years. And all of a sudden, you wake up one day, and you’re just like, ugh.

Eric Deschamps:

Yeah. Yep. It’s like — — felt that way? Yeah. Absolutely. I think, I think feeling stuck, feeling trapped is part of the human experience. I I think we all experience that, during seasons of our lives. And and and there are there are there are what I call short term moments of stuckness and then there are longer seasons where we just feel like we’re not moving. We feel like we’re not. Our our life doesn’t have a purpose. We’re not fired up about anything. we we’re we’re not motivated. I mean, I’ve been talking to so many people on the, on this side of the pandemic, right, now that it’s over and it’s behind us, there’s a lot of folks that, through that period of time came to realize that there there’s just a lot of blah. There’s just a lot of gray in their lives and They’re not clear about where they wanna go, what they wanna do. they lack motivation. They lack energy. And it’s just, again, we’ve talked about this before, but part of feeling stuck is often like it’s like Groundhog Day. You’re just kinda

Rob Dale:

repeating the same day over and over again. but you don’t feel like you’re really living. It it and it, what we’re talking about today, I think what we’re gonna be looking at more is that long term where it really becomes something that is and I I that has really kind of captivated people and, the pandemic is a great example. We we went through this and all of a is we’re coming out on the other end. Like you, I’ve had so many conversations with people who they’re kinda looking going, I don’t wanna go back to what life was like that. I don’t wanna go back to just that. I I certainly don’t wanna go through what I went through during the pandemic, but I’m not sure I want to just go back and repeat rinse and repeat the the life that was there in 2018, 2019 either. Yeah. Yep. It’s a it’s a stuckness is often another word for it is like lostness. Yeah. You just feel lost. You you it’s not that you’re in terrible danger. It’s not that you’re necessarily in a horrible situation, but there’s just no joy there. There’s just very little fulfillment

Eric Deschamps:

in what you’re doing. I was talking to one leader recently, who is very successful in her career and has been for years, but since COVID, she just she describes it like the stuff that used to give me energy doesn’t give me energy anymore. I’m having to drag my ass to do the simplest things in my business even. right? I’ve just I’ve just lost that lost that mojo, lost that momentum. So lostness, lack of direction. I think those are great words. Depression

Rob Dale:

Yeah. we we start to and and and sometimes, you know, it’s it’s easy to I I listen, depression is real and I was obviously a lot of people battle that, and they they need the support in order to come through that. But we even sometimes misidentify stuckness with maybe I’m depressed. Maybe I’m whatever that is. And and when we finally identify, no. I’m just stuck. Yeah. then you can start to make that shift, away from that. Maybe

Eric Deschamps:

talked about a time you’ve been in there. I mean, we both been there. I know we have some of our stuff as similar, but maybe tell a little bit of a personal story of of stuckness. Well, when I was thinking about this subject for for this particular episode. I was thinking back on periods of my life where I felt the most stuck. And one of them that certainly stands out for me, what it goes back to I was still in the church world at the time, had been very unhappy in that life for a long time, stuck in a felt I felt stuck in this role trapped in this role. I didn’t believe many of the things that I was saying from the front of the room, but felt the need to support my family and you know, I had never gone, to, you know, the the only degree that I have, right, is a bible college degree, which isn’t terribly transferable to many other jobs or profession. Doesn’t doesn’t appeal a lot. Yeah. appeal a lot of folks on a resume, you know. and I remember the the those last two and a half years before I left, and it took the death of my dad, and that recognition that we never know how long we’ve got. I thought he was only sixty six years old. He was healthy for most of his life. And then, 2 years before he passed, he’s diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer. never smoked a day in his life. and I remember that whole period of time was so hard, and then he passed. And I remember, as part of that grieving process not not long after the funeral, actually. I came to recognize I can’t keep doing this. Like, I can’t keep, staying in a job, staying in a role that I don’t believe in anymore that doesn’t make me happy. It’s actually become toxic and unhealthy for me. It’s not good for my family. but I I remember just being feeling so trapped. Like, I couldn’t where would I go? Who would hire me? What like, I think when you, for me, it was like, you just couldn’t believe that there were any other options. This is my lot. This is all that’s available to me, and I guess I have to just try to make the best of And I think a lot of our listeners can relate to that feeling. Yeah. And I for me, absolutely. I think they can relate. And for me, it was there’s certainly the situation was similar to yours. And that was when I was leaving the church world. It was interesting. For me, that was a 5 year

Rob Dale:

journey period. It was in 2008. I took a sabbatical. I had just finished. I had, I’d been, pastoring, of course, the bikers church, but I had also taken over posturing the church that you had been leading for a season. They — He tried to clean up my message. Wait. No. No. No. but they had hired somebody now to — I wouldn’t want that job. — to take over to take over a city church. and I went on a sabbatical I took a a a couple of months off, and part of that was I went on a road trip. And that would have been that was back in 2008. and I, I remember on that road trip thinking so many different times. I’m done. I’m burnt out. I I I don’t believe this anymore. I don’t know what to but I was against I had no solution to how I would get out of that. Right. And so I came and I came home already to be I was gonna I was done. I was over with and everything like that. and then, some things happen. I, anyway, I I then all of a sudden, the the guy that had taken over the church, that didn’t work out. He left. so what I did is I tried to just I double down on what was keeping me unhappy.

Eric Deschamps:

And I I thought, okay. Well, if past during a biker’s church isn’t — Let me pass her. Let me pass this. Maybe that fixes it. So — But isn’t that funny? That’s what we do. Like, we we just gotta — Often when we’re stuck, rather than, try new things or look because there’s always a way forward. And I know back then if somebody would have told me that, I probably would have told him to fuck off because I didn’t I wouldn’t have believed them. Well, you wouldn’t have said that. But Well, well, I would have, internally, I wouldn’t have said. Fudge off. frig off. I would have never said fringe off. Not in a in a lifetime. I would have never said that. But I think I would have been very upset and very resistant to that. because I would’ve been like, well, I don’t see it. And and, and so when we can’t see a way forward to your point, what we’re doing is already not working, But because we’re almost, like, blind to any other solution that we’ve accepted that this is all that’s available to us, we will then double down on the things that are already making us unhappy. And, I remember someone saying, you know, using Einstein’s you know, definition of insanity, which is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result every time. Well, if I double down on the things that already aren’t working, then all I’m gonna get is what I don’t want twice as fast.

Rob Dale:

Double the results. Double the results. Yeah. What I don’t want. Double the negative. And so for me, because I was in this place and I’m now doubling down on and I’m and and it it distracted me for a season. Right. but it was the busyness that distracted me. The emptiness was still there. And so then I would do the the the typical things that I would do in my past that would cause kind of harm and self destruction and all of that kind stuff because, again, I had no — — wanna know. I had no way forward. Right? I had no way out of it. Right. Right. And until it finally came to a head and and, you know, the rest is history. And but I remember when I finally left the church world, and this is we’ve shared this story, you know, of course, is I, of course, had built a relationship with you over the years. You had done some other stuff, but then had recently about a month or about a year before I resigned. You had just started into coaching. started your own company, breakthrough coach. And, and I remember sitting down reaching out to you and and I literally was in a place of panic, and I was hoping that that your con that that there would be some goodwill towards me because I had pastored your church. There would be some goodwill that you could at least introduce me. — to step into, though, issues. I tell you. I was but you could introduce me to one of the business owners you were coaching or somebody in your network who might hire me just as whatever. A joelabor because I thought I had I have nothing to offer. No skills. You know, how how do I do anything? And then, of course, you asked the famous question that you like to ask. Have you ever considered coaching? And, yeah, the the written initial answer was, no. Of course, I had never considered it. pretty much about it. But I can’t remember even say to you, my response was, what the hell would I know about business coaching? And you made the connection to everything I’ve been doing, all the leadership training, all the work that the fact that you’ve led organizations, you know, and but until I had somebody else point out to me, and that was you, point out to me all of the things that I had been doing but from a different perspective than the one I had. Right. because we get stuck. Like, we talked about stuck. Stuck is actually primarily a mindset.

Eric Deschamps:

It it’s a belief that we we are limited in our options or that we have no other options than what’s in front of us. and, you you talk about that experience, where I asked you that question and helped you connect those dots. Well, I was merely paying forward an experience that I had had before I left the church, and part of the reason I left the church is someone that I knew sat down with me and I shared with them how frustrated I was and on how how unhappy I was and said, well, why don’t you make a change? And that’s where all that negative thinking just came all out where I said, well, there is no alternative for me. Who would hire some kid who never went to college, some yet. Well, at that point, it was no longer a kid at that point, but, who would hire this guy that spin in the ministry only has a bible college degree, doesn’t have any marketable skills, and they were the ones that said to me, same as what I said to you. Well, you’ve started and led organizations. You’ve, you’ve built a successful organization. You have all these skills on crafting vision and create and all of a sudden, all of a sudden, the the the the bias that I had or the the the lens that I was looking at the world through began to change and I realize I have options. And, for anyone listening to this episode today, I I we set it at the teaser. You are never as stuck as you think you are. stuckness is an illusion. and I the the feelings associated with it not an illusion. They’re very real. Right? but it it’s actually it’s actually false. I was, recently had the opportunity to share the living richly message the first time ever in a in a public forum outside the podcast, obviously, but in a at a conference that I was invited to speak at and with a bunch of business leaders. And it’s the first time I brought the living richly lens into that environment, and it was so well received and resonated with so many people the feedback was we need more time with you next year. Can we make sure that when we get you back, we can have you for for more than just one session we want you back? But it was interesting as I was, uh-uh, raising the issue of living your best life and defining the kind of life you want and going after it There was a young lady in the room that raised her hands and, yeah, but that’s probably true for everybody else here, but it’s not possible in my situation. And my heart went out to her because I gently tried to give her a different perspective and tried to get her to look at it from a different lens, but what I recognized was the place I was in so long ago where the belief that there are no options, there is no way forward

Rob Dale:

This is my lot, and I just have to make the best of it. Even if it means being miserable, I’m just gonna be unhappy the rest of my life, that is a false notion. It’s a lie. It’s it’s it’s a marajan in the loop. And and I think this is one of those places or these times where that that old cliche is saying you don’t know. We don’t know what we don’t know. Right. come is is so true when it comes to this is because We are so blind to, what we see and think is reality. we just we don’t know that there are all these other options and and and probably, I mean, we talk about all the time. There’s one of the themes here, with the living richly, movement and that is this idea of the importance of community, the importance of those trusted allies, those trusted people in your life because they can bring that perspective that you don’t have your So let maybe talk we’ll we’ll talk for a few minutes just because I I wanna hone in on this before we get into how we do it. what what what are some of the things we feel when we’re in those moments you know, I know for me, when I was in those moments of stuckness and there’s been a few of them. The the the the one that I just shared is probably the most obvious one to me, but there are certainly been some other, seasons where I’ve been that way. An absolute feeling of of hopelessness for me a sense of my my my own self worth is at the all time low when I’m feeling stuck. So when you say that, what are the what are the actual when you because I can resonate without a 100 100% like the your your self esteem takes a real beating,

Eric Deschamps:

but what are what are the what were the thoughts for you? What are you actually thinking? There are scripts.

Rob Dale:

Absolutely. And there are scripts that I had to work through at some point. It’s part of my living, richly, my own journey. I’ve had to work through them, but certainly the sense if I have nothing to offer that I’m a failure, I’m a one trick pony. Right? So So I I have to know. Right? It’s all I can do. And — Yeah. this is the only way, you know, if and then I would be if only back when I was 8, you know, 16, I if I are chosen a different path and maybe I had now, you know, now I’m I’m reaping what I sew, you know, all of those some of the things. What about for you? Oh, I mean, I I’d say yes to every single one of those. And, I think then the,

Eric Deschamps:

for me, it was like, this is all evidence that that I’m fucked up — Yeah. — that I’m, yeah, I’ve I’ve talked about, my my the script that for so long that I am fatally flawed that I am deeply different from everyone else, but not in a positive way that I’m different in that, grace and and compassion and all those things and forgiveness and new starts. That’s available to everyone, but me, I’d become convinced, because I was so stuck. I could nobody who’s got even an ounce of Right? Uh-uh ability to succeed would find themselves where I am right now, so I must be a complete screwup. Right. And and for those who know us well,

Rob Dale:

use I’m gonna talk directly with you, but for those that know you well, her see you as this six successful business owner who’s who’s owned a couple of of very successful business companies, who has been, you know, incredibly influential in so many lives, so many business owners, you know, incredibly successful people who lean on you for the guidance I think some of them if they were listening to this right now would be absolutely shocked that they’re they’re looking going. Someday, I wish I could be like Eric. And yet, Eric is saying, you know, I was absolutely lost and had, you know, complete, you know, not feeling any confidence in any bill. I had nothing. I had no ability that I could bring to people. And they’re looking going, oh my god. The amount of different ways you’ve influenced my life. How can you believe that about yourself? Well, it’s it’s it’s imposter syndrome at its best. I mean, it’s like if people only knew,

Eric Deschamps:

I think Jason said it a couple of shows back, helping others on the outside while, like, hating myself on the inside. I think that it’s so easy when we see people in any kind public role or leadership role to put them on a pedestal and think that they’ve got all their shit together when in reality a lot of leaders are hurting. I I think of and we we we keep coming back to this, but I think of to to to our male listeners, you know, so many men suffer in silence. They they they they have no one to talk to about their private pain, and they carry this in credible weight on their backs. I think women are are better at this. They talk more openly amongst themselves. They talk about their feelings more. They talk about their struggles more. And that I’m not trying to make that a generalization, but I think generally it is true. Yeah. And and certainly the research, and and the studies would prove it. The numbers prove it the rate of suicide among men is so much higher. And I have to I have to say there was during that two and a half years and leading up to it, there were times where I was suicidal. There were times where I was like, the best thing I could do for my family and for everyone else involved I was so stuck. I’d come to so believe that I can’t find my way forward. And yet there’s a there was also part of me says, I can’t stay in this place. I the the the the I’m suffering. I’m unhappy. I’m making my now it’s my unhappiness is bleeding out on my kids. I love what Jason said. Right? If you don’t deal with your shit, then you’re gonna end up bleeding on the people who didn’t cut you. Right? And that’s I felt like I was doing that. So I had the sense of the the own the best thing for everyone. Rob, I became firmly convinced that everybody in my life would be better off without me. That’s how dark it got for me. and it was someone like what I did for you paying it forward just showing me a different way or helping me see things from a different perspective. and what I’ve what what’s come out of that now is the sense of even at moments where I feel stuck, right in my life at any point is that I’m actually not stuck. There’s there’s some resistance here. There are some things that are a slowing me down perhaps or perhaps I’ve strayed and need to find my center again, but this this this deep belief now that we’re never as stuck as we think we are is something that is just transformative. You know, and it’s and just to reiterate this and I,

Rob Dale:

at the risk of kind of overstating this point. I remember when I first stepped in as the interim pastor of the church just after you had resigned. And, of course, you had a staff that were there. And I’m having conversations, and I spent a lot of time with your staff and working with them. And that was one of the observations they made. There was that after your your dad’s uh-uh passing and which would have been right in that season where you’re like trying to figure all this out that they talked about isolated you would become and how you had distanced yourself from the other the the staff and you were disengaged and and and all of that was because of this turmoil that you now can identify and acknowledge. And so to, you know, I I share it to say, you know, I remember and we we knew each other. We weren’t the friends we are today at that point. We were we had a mutual respect for each other, but I remember hearing those and and my heartbreaking for you, at that point, but also a little bit of a tinge of of, of, Yeah. I’m feeling the same thing. You know, now I wasn’t at the same level at that moment. It it was within within a couple of years. So I I I kinda followed behind you and it cut by a couple of years. But, yeah, I mean, hearing that and seeing that. And so we sometimes think that we’re hot we’re suffering in silence when we’re in these ruts. and yet it to the point. It is prob your what you’re feeling is probably bleeding into the people around you. They’re sensing it They just don’t know how to especially if you come across as a strong person normally. Yeah. They don’t know how to re they don’t know how to connect. They don’t know how to respond. They don’t know how to reach out. and there may be people right now around you. If you those of you listening or watching, there may be people around you right now who are wanting to throw you a lifeline they just don’t know how to do it. They don’t know what the best way is to respond. And part of it is one of the first steps sometimes to getting unstuck is that asking for help and to step put your hand up and say, I’m in need here. And some of those sometimes those people are ready to bond, they just don’t know how. They just don’t know how. And isolation is one of the clearest signs of stuckness.

Eric Deschamps:

you start to pull away. some other signs that you’re perhaps stuck is a chronic sort of frustration or dissatisfaction Mine was anger. I remember I was part of a leadership development program. Went away. This was at the end of it now. We’re 2 years, and we were at our last sort of off-site we would go twice a year. so a total of four times over the 2 year period, to a beautiful retreat center at Keith’s Island on, just off the right of in Horseshoe Bay in Vancouver’s gorgeous location. And I’d gone into that leadership development mentoring programs. First, my my first real experience with mentoring, as, that was thirty years old at the time. So that’s like, you know, dinosaur ages away now, but, when I was only thirty and I’d gone into such hope because even at the age of thirty, I’d been sensing, like, We’ve talked about this. Like, this has had plagued me for a long time. The this these these feelings, these beliefs, and we’re coming to the end of it now. I’m at the last off-site and my chronic dissatisfaction is now rage because I’m like, fuck. Not even this worked. Right? and and I had such high hopes of seeing change and I hadn’t seen it, but there the the what was holding me back was act you know, I I I was blaming the circumstances. I was blaming the issues. Then I was blaming myself pretty heavily, but really, and believing that the reason all of this was happening, the reason I wasn’t finding my way forward was because I was fatally flawed, but in Natalie, it wasn’t me that was fatally flawed, but I had some thinking that was deeply flawed. I had some belief that were deeply flawed, and I was literally, I think, stuckness in a lot of ways, we are creating it. Yeah. We are creating our own sense of lostness, because we’re the the thinking and the creative

Rob Dale:

power of the mind that could be used to craft the better way forward is being used to create the very prison that we live in every time. You you absolutely to create that you know, again, you talk about some of those symptoms of being the isolation, the anger. For me, it was the the lack of motivation, the the, I started to mail it in. and I remember how difficult it was. Mail it in. Is that that’s even slower than phoning it in, isn’t it? It really is. Yeah. Yeah. Especially with Canada Post. Like, I I started to nail mail it in,

Eric Deschamps:

phone it in, mail it in. What is the phrase? It is phone it in, man. I’m like, I like failing it in. I’m like, Jesus, that would take for ever to get — I always thought I would mail it in. See, I just learned something.

Rob Dale:

I would mail it in.

Eric Deschamps:

Yeah. I think that’s perfect. We’re getting we’re getting big thumbs up. We’re getting if you like selling. Hey, Stice here, by the way.

Rob Dale:

Wait. I but I I and I found myself, and it was, you know, of course, in in the church world, you’re you’re you’re having to prepare a sermon every week. Now I envied some of the denominations that had alerted. You just going, what’s this week’s sermon? Dude, I was I was going back to sermons from 2 years ago. and just recycling them because I didn’t have the energy. I was stealing other people’s sermons. I would watch somebody on TV or I’d watch at that point, of course, the internet is around. listing has ever done that before. Right? I can imagine I can imagine ministers today. They’re probably getting their sermons from Chachi. Chachi PT has just become the best preacher ever, like, the most. act like an evangelical preacher and give me a 3 point sermon on. make sure there’s an offering. Yeah. Yeah. They they take a better better option. I would I would and so I would preach these messages and then I’d I’d I’d head home afterwards and be just and I would, you know, fall into the couch, put on TV, completely go numb, mindless, just anything not to be. I was just such a place of despair, but but that just and everything. I avoided so many things during the course of the week. I would avoid doing all kinds of tasks reaching out to people I didn’t wanna do anything. This is zero motivation. Yeah. And and, for me, physical exhaustion,

Eric Deschamps:

the stress was, literally feeling overwhelmed. I mean, there’s so many I I talk about burnout having gone through it three times. the the the, like, my situations. My belief about being stuck was was a big part of that was probably, like, the leverage piece that was causing these feelings. And, you know, what was interesting is that when I started to make some changes, I remember when I did leave the church world that was a big, big decision And for a little while, being in a new context, I felt better. I was in a new environment, but all that was was an environmental cure or a geographical cure, I should say. I’m in a different environment now. I’m in a different geography, so to speak. But my internal world, my thinking, my beliefs, none of that has changed. So it didn’t take long. Even in a new environment, I just carried that shit with me. It just followed me into my new context and those same feelings began to show up. And it took it would it would take my 3rd burnout for me to finally get present to this stuff. Stuff I’ve been trying to get present to you and making taking some steps and then reverting back to numbing and avoiding and helping myself where I finally began to shift the thinking. And, you know, what was really interesting is a song that was really meaningful to me when, Jim first introduced it to me in 2011 when I first started to do this work, this is I was still in the, I was just leaving. I’d I left the church role at this point. and it was still finding myself very in a really bad place. and he introduced me to Mumford and Son’s little lion man. Okay. and it’s a song all about like, uh-uh, it’s it’s a pretty yeah. We’ll we’ll put it in the show and it’s a powerful song. Well, I had the opportunity to listen to them last night. They were here at Blues Fest. and, of course, I get when the this episode drops. It won’t be last night. But, anyway, recently, right? and I it’s the first time I’ve heard them live three times. They’re one of my favorite bands. And I had several emotional moments during that concert last night because the first time that I’m list thing to their music, which was often a cry of my heart. I wanna be in a better place to finally be on the other side of it and go how far I’ve come and I’m so grateful for the journey. And we’re gonna talk about some of the things you can do to get on stuck. I think we wanna go there really, really quickly here. the but what I want every listener to hear, if you’re listening to this show and you’re saying that’s me. I’m stuck. I’m lost. I don’t have direction. I’m feeling overwhelmed. I lacked the motivation.

Rob Dale:

That doesn’t have to stay that way. There is a way forward. We’re gonna talk about some of the ways to do that. thank you for sharing, what a what a great story to share. I mean, I’ve I’ve known for years that Mumford And Sons is one of your favorite fans and and I’ve always kinda went, why? Like, I mean, they’re good, but I think they’re good. They’re amazing. Like, but hearing you share that story, it’s like, Wow. That that’s the first time I’ve ever heard you share that about that song. And it’s like, damn. Okay. I that now now I get more excited. I’m like, I wanna go listen to some more mumford Well, the the words of refrain of that song, the line man, right, is it was not your fault, but mine,

Eric Deschamps:

but it was your heart on the line. I really fucked it up this time, didn’t I, my dear. And it reflected the grief and the over mistakes made with my kids mistakes made in past marriages, mistakes made in past friendships, but to hear it last night, because whenever I would hear it. It would always make me sad — Yeah. — longing for a better place. But to hear it last night, live, performed on this side of my story.

Rob Dale:

was, I literally, I kept telling Kate, I got bugs flying into my eyes or dust, I think, flying in my eyes. Yeah. right, I was having I’m serious. Well, you’ve got some dust and bugs playing in your eyes right now. I can feel I hear it in your voice and the motion that comes out of that. That’s beautiful. I again, appreciate so much that vulnerability, and and that’s what this is all about. So so, yeah, let’s talk about some of the things that people can do, some of the strategies for getting unstuck. And I I maybe I’ll start one of the first because I I I go to this so often times. I wanna share a bit of a story around it. But one of the first things you can do to get unstuck is to reconnect or connect for the first time to your values. What matters to you? If you haven’t Yeah. What matters most to you? If you haven’t taken the time to do the exercise of figuring out what matters most to you, let me encourage you to make that one of the first things that you do once you’re done listening to this episode is to take some time to do that. One of the most freeing things for me and this was something that happened right after I after I left the the church world, and I began to do my studying for for a for a business coaching and and getting my my certification for business coaching. One of the first things that I did is I developed a personal purpose statement. In fact, I think it was an exercise that I had to do with you as you were kinda helping me with the training stuff, and it was an exercise that we did together. was create that personal purpose statement, and it’s something that I I I’ve I’ve tweaked and I continue to play with and it’s a it’s a living document for me. but it was something that way back ever before I ever heard of the term living, Rich Lee, or we began this journey, but it was one of first things that got me into motion again was defining

Eric Deschamps:

what mattered to me and how I was going to express that. Yeah. Anytime I feel any lostness now, anytime I experience any sense of, I’m lacking motivation or I’m feeling like the the fires of purpose and passion are are beginning to die down. I just begin to lean into my values and say, you know, what does courage look like in this situation? What does compassion? What does connection, curiosity look like? And it I always find, in in those values, I find something to help me get moving again. tied very closely to that is creating a vision, of what you want. Right? Like, imagine yourself, if you’re listening to the show today and you’re stuck If you were unstuck, what would that look like? If you got unstuck, where would you be? What would you be doing What would you be spending more time investing in? Getting clear on that. And and one of the ways we we help people do that, in the quadrant model is by using the the classic 4 elements. Right? We come back to this on a regular basis. It’s a it because I think it’s just a powerful model. When you’re saying, I don’t know what my life would look like. it wasn’t this, this is all I can see. Well, what if you were to imagine if if we think of the water element, which is the mind, what would my mind at its best look like? Think of what it is now and think of what you’d like it to be. what were your what would your thought life be like? What would be this self talk? What would be the learning you would want to be taking in, right, to sharpen your thinking. if your heart what would your heart look like at its best? Your your your emotional life, your relationships, your passion, your spirit, right, like what does what would spirituality look like for you? What would your spirit and connecting to something bigger than yourself, look like? And and finally, what would the earth element, which is, your body physically, you know, your nutrition, your sleep, your exercise, all that begin to craft a vision of a a better future and use the because once we see that How do I put it? We we get so stuck in seeing our current reality. We can’t picture a preferred future. Start dreaming again. Start thinking about what you want and let that naturally pull you forward. You as soon as you talk about that notion of, you know, crafting that vision or or beginning to look at that preferred future,

Rob Dale:

it immediately reminded me of a a glycer’s formula for change. and you’ll just, yeah, a glycer’s formula for change. It talks about the fact that you need certain elements all have to be present if you are going to overcome the resistance to change. You need to be dissatisfied with your current reality. You need to have, again, what you just talked about. You need to have a vision of of a preferred reality, and then you need to be able to define the 1st concrete steps towards achieving that Right? And if all three of those elements are there, it’s it’s enough power to overcome the resistance to change. And I think it’s absolutely critical. So know, you know, if you’re if you’re in a place of stuck, you’re already, you’re dissatisfied. Recognize it. Call it out. I’m not happy with where I am. Yeah. then begin to define that preferred future. And then what are the first steps? What are the the first little things I can do to take me towards that? and you will overcome that resistance situation. frustration

Eric Deschamps:

can be fueled. This satisfaction can be what catapults you forward into a new life. you know, it’s been said that until you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you probably will not have the motivation to pay the price to change your situation. But if you’re currently listening to this episode right now and you’re in that place, and you’ve been suffering and you’ve been dissatisfied and you’ve been frustrated. What I wanna say is don’t waste that energy. That energy can either propel you. Keep dragging you down or it can propel you forward. And I I I would also say this, don’t let all the suffering you’ve already experienced, go to waste. right? You can use it to help you craft a new life. So dissatisfaction,

Rob Dale:

you get to work your way through that and create a new life for your so true. And, you know, along the lines of with your energy, where your energy goes when it comes to your emotions, when it comes to your dissatisfaction, I I wanna say, certainly think another kind of step on this is to watch or monitor the self talk the amount of time and the amount of energy we put into saying the wrong things to ourselves. The tear downs that the you know, there’s an old phrase, and I I refer to this often times. Right? Words of life, words of death. And we often spend time words of death tear down. shame tears down. Every time we say something that brings us down, that negative self talk that’s what what it it it it all of a sudden removes it. It just takes away all your power and your authority to be able to move forward. watch the our thoughts, our our words matter so much. Shift the language we use. you use the reference there, the get to. shift the language from have to to get to, change the language from should stop shutting all over yourself, you know, use language like training. I’m training myself to do better. I would like to do better. All of that when we shift the language. There is power in the words that we use. Well, listen. We talk to ourselves all the time. Why not make it positive?

Eric Deschamps:

If you’re getting up out of bed every day, looking at yourself in the mirror like I used to and say, you piece of shit. You’re worthless. You’re you’re a failure. You’re no good. people would be better off without you. Your kids would be better off without you. That is not gonna serve you well. You’re only gonna dig a deeper hole your inner critic, you may think it’s serving you well. All it’s doing is beating the shit out of you. And and the best day of my life was when I gave my inner critic as walking paper, and said, that’s it, buddy. You’re fired. Now he keeps trying to show up to work every day. I because he he thinks he still has a job, and I have to remind him regularly. And sometimes I start taking his council again, but I quickly dismiss him now a lot quicker than I used to, but your mind, your self talk, man, that is everything. What you think your thoughts your words. So think about your words. Your words both reflect your beliefs and reinforce them. So when I say I’m a piece of shit. I’m revealing what what that I believe that. But by saying it out loud, I mean, we sometimes the self talk is just internal, but there are times they the words come right out. Yep. When you say them out loud, you are reinforcing that negative belief So what if you started in for reinforcing some positive beliefs? And and and if you’re in a really dark place, you may need some people around you to help you believe it was guy by the name of Jim Harrington who first looked me straight in the eye and said, Eric, you’re a good man. And I said, Jim, I don’t believe you. You’ve heard this story before. Eric, you’re a good man. No. I’m not. Yes. You are. No. I’m not. And he finally looked at me and said it’s okay, Eric. I know you’re not ready for this. but I’m gonna keep reminding you until you can hold that belief for yourself. And he did and I have.

Rob Dale:

It’s it’s so incredible. And and, David Goggins, who is, many people will be familiar, intense guy, for sure, who went from being the £300, you know, over just overweight completely unmotivated. you know, just everything about his story. Incredible story. His book can’t can’t hurt me is a powerful, powerful story. and he transformed that into being this guy that ran ultra marathons and is just one of the most incredibly fit human beings and just talks so much about motivation there. And he describes in his book the way that he would talk to himself and the way that he would, you know, the the the conversations he would have himself. He even named his inner critic, and he shifted so that he could then identify And it was when David, he he had David and he had Goggins. Right? He had his name. And and when David was speaking to him, the caring a kind, loving, supportive, encouraging person. And then Goggins, who was the guy that was tearing him down and and calling him the piece of shit. Right? Well, but by doing that, he could separate and identify the voice, a lot more easily. So however it works for you, I think it’s important, important to do that. Let me shift into another one that I, was a real one for me. I talk about, you know, being that major. A a a small, kind of a smaller, rut that I was stuck in. happened, you know, early in the into my, business coach days, and that was I was struggling with my success and kinda really kinda getting this thing moving. And one of the things that I was doing is I was comparing myself to you. and I was comparing myself to some others, but you in particular and and your ease at how you were doing things and everything like that. And I was — Funny how you call it ease because that was some tough slogging for me. Of course, it was. Of course. But but it’s perception. Right? And that’s the mistake that when we compare ourselves to others, we look at others and go, look how good they’ve got it. how easy they do it. Look how natural is. We have no clue about all the struggles and the insecurity. Everybody has their private pain, man. Well, and and to the point, as we, of course, we had already gotten to become friends at that point. But but even then, as I was comparing, rather than just being so comfortable in me being me. And and I remember when and it was Sherry that helped me figure that out is when I started to say, no. Well, I I don’t need to be Eric as a business coach. I need to be Rob as a business coach, and Rob has a lot of value to bring his and and as I shifted in that, that’s when things really began to take off. Yeah. And it began to get well. And, of course, I didn’t burn out, like, you know, other people

Eric Deschamps:

Yeah. Following my path might not have been very wise. I would add to that. I think, yeah, avoiding comparing yourself is so important because it’s not about other people. It’s about what what what’s important to you. What are you pursuing? That’s the that’s the that’s the measuring line. It’s the only measuring line. Are you being true, you, uh-uh a couple of other quick ones is take action. when as you begin to get clear on what you want and what your life being unstuck might look like, like, start taking action, put yourself in situations that will challenge you and call forth some of that energy that that that you had at one point. Right? If you’re just doing the same old same old every day, you’re not requiring anything new of your heart or your mind, your spirit, your body, it’s not being challenged. And so change by its very nature, although we resist it, is a powerful catalyst to transformation. So what’s one thing you can change? What’s one new thing you can try? What’s one challenge you can take on because I think you can also get caught and trapped in the paralysis of analysis around this thing. you don’t need to be listen, rethinking your life reengineering and revisioneering your life, not a simple easy exercise. It takes work, but oftentimes it’s little by little slowly by only

Rob Dale:

one little change at a time you begin to gain your momentum. You know, I’m I’m I’m smiling because I’m thinking of, I used to do this whole kind of stick around the same old disease, and I won’t do it today, just for the sake of time, but I’d go through this whole thing about, you know, you wake up at the same old time. You go, you know, drive the same weight in the same, you know, old job, and you kiss the same old wife, all of that. There’s a whole lot on that one. Yeah. There’s a whole lot. Are you supposed to kiss the neighbor’s wife? No. No. People laugh, and it’s it’s it’s this whole thing about the same old disease. Right. and, but what got I think, and as you were talking there about, you know, just change what’s one thing. You know, this is gonna sound so silly for some, and yet it may be just that starting point. if if you’re feeling so start you’re you’re if you’re commute to work, just take a different route. Right. Right. Something is silly or it seems so insignificant as just just take a different route to work for tomorrow. That little change might be enough. to make you all of a sudden you’re seeing things that you haven’t seen for a bit and then make one other little change. It doesn’t have to be this monumental and go back to Glyker’s formula. Right? It’s just what are the a couple of small things that first steps that I can take towards that preferred vision that will get me there. And that’s what keeps you over overcoming, resistance to change. We’re almost out of time.

Eric Deschamps:

I would say the last one for me. I mean, there’s so much we could talk about, but, I think landing here for me is a probably the best place ma’am, because it was the hardest thing for me to do, which was be kind to yourself. offer yourself compassion during this process. uh-uh stop condemning yourself. Stop keeping judgment and criticism on yourself because you’re only gonna make it worse. That fuel is toxic It’s going to destroy you. It’s going to sap any positive energy you have right out of you. Be kind. Be compassionate. even if all you do is learn to practice some self care, a little bit of self care. I I call it radical self care, but maybe you don’t start it radical. just start doing a few and these other things that we’ve talked about, but be kind to yourself.

Rob Dale:

Yeah. That one is so important. And, again, because the words that we say to our self matter we heard it right at the beginning. Every one of us goes through seasons where we are stuck. Yep. and so have the compassion to show it to yourself. Yeah. If you’re stuck today, we just wanna encourage you. there’s a lot that we’ve shared here.

Eric Deschamps:

I would say to you, you know, yours there are people in your life that can be a support let your tribe support you reach out and get some help. You’re never I know I’ve said it already. I’m gonna say it again because I know some of you are like I was saying to Jim, I don’t believe you. I don’t believe you. I’m gonna say it again. You’re never as stuck as you think you are. There is always a way forward.

Rob Dale:

We wanna, again, encourage you to stay connected here with the Living Richley Movement, be a part of it. it is an opportunity for you to really connect with others who are working their way out of unstuckness and into that place of being able to live their best life. wanna encourage you if you haven’t already to like, subscribe share out the content of this episode and other episodes, and also make sure that you check out our Instagram page. We are really leaning heavily into sharing out 1 minute clips, some of the big, takeaways from this episode. You’ll find them there that you’ll be able to share them out as just quick little tidbits,

Eric Deschamps:

that other people might be able to receive as well. And make sure to check out our website at living richly dot me. every episode has show notes where point to resources that can be useful to you. We’re gonna put these questions and principles and strategies that we talked about today. They’ll all be posted there for you to read and study after the show is over. and, of course, if you’re looking for some one to one support or group support in your living richly journey, we do offer coaching that can be there for you to help you live your best life. So make sure to avail yourself of that as well. Thank you so much for joining us, and we hope you’ll you’ll tune in again next week.