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Episode 6: Revolutions not Resolutions

Understand that it’s about making small incremental changes that are sustainable. It’s not about swinging for the fences. Be kind to yourself little by little, slowly by slowly. 

Rob Dale, Eric Deschamps, Trefor Munn-Venn

Welcome to the Living Richly Podcast. My name is Rob Dale, and I’m here with my two great friends, Eric Deschamps and Trefor Munn-Venn. Don’t say a word about being great friends, cuz I am setting some resolutions and one of my resolutions is I’m going to have great friends this year.

So it’s a repeat of last year.

That’s not much of a normal before that. How’s that working for you, Rob? So let me ask this question as we welcome all of you in and thank you again for taking the time to join us on this journey and these conversations around what does it mean to live your fullest life to really embrace who you.

One of the things that we often fall into a trap, at least I fall into, is whether it’s, you know, around the New Year’s time, whether it’s at different times of the year. I kind of just, when I’m frustrated or fed up about something, I set new resolutions. I determine as of Monday, I’m going to do this. And we, we get into this trap of, of, of setting and kind of completing or getting all these resolutions out.

You guys ever do that? You ever set resolutions every year? Do you kind of look into them and and how’s the track record on those? . Yeah. I haven’t in the last few, but definitely have done it for sure. I think most people have in some way, shape or form. There’s a few conscientious objectors who say, I don’t set them.

I’m like, eh, maybe, maybe, maybe they don’t share them. But the, I think there’s a compulsion sometimes to want to, to know you want to do better and you want to change some stuff. And so we start to set some goals for sure around it. Track record. poor. I think I’m very normal that way. The, I, I think there, there was one year where my goal was to read a book a week.

Wow. And I, I came real close. I came real close, but, but not, but then February Rule,

Wow. That was a great episode, guys. Yeah. The but it, but it was interesting. But it wasn’t cuz I was following my plan. I just, I got to the end of the year. I wonder how many I did read and I went back and looked and it was like, I don’t know, it was like low forties or something. I’m like, that’s not bad like that, that that wasn’t bad.

The, but it wasn’t actually because I was living out that goal. Like it wa it didn’t actually flow from that resolution. Kind of started like most people did, and then most kind of fizzle off. Right? Right. But I’ve, I would say overall, like not, it has not been effective. I, I, you know, at one year I wanted to be taller.

That one didn’t, didn’t work. No, no, nothing there. How about, how about you? No, I think the story’s the same. I mean, we’ve all, whether it’s New Year’s, I think New Year’s the reason there’s so many resolutions made around that time of year is because it’s a fresh new year. You’ve just come to the, the, the, the sun has set on the previous year or is setting, and you probably entered that new year with all kinds of promises you made to yourself and to others about how you wanted to change and be a better, better this and a better that.

And now you’re the, the, the new year is, is upon us and you’re coming to realize that perhaps you made some. Progress on some of those, and perhaps there’s a bunch of them that remain unfulfilled. And, and so we reset our lives. We look at an opportunity, a fresh new year gives an opportunity to kind of fresh reset a fresh start.

And, and so we do it again. We make these promises. We, I’m gonna get healthy. I mean, the two most common ones, right? I’m gonna stop smoking and I’m gonna lose weight. Those are the two most common New Year’s resolutions. And, and we know there’s a, there’s a reason, there’s a, a, a thing now called Blue Monday.

Which is what, third Monday in January? I think traditionally that’s the notion. Yeah, the notion and the reason they call it Blue Monday, it’s because according to the statistics, the vast majority of people have already given up on their New Year’s resolutions by then. And it’s dark. And it’s dark, it’s cool.

It’s all the credit card bills right? Coming in. Credit card bills come in. Yeah. Not a good day. Not a good day. Not a good day. But people do ’em for birthdays. Right. For me, honestly, one I would use was was always actually labor. Like it was. And I think, I think that flowed out. Like restart. Yeah. Yeah.

Restart kind of period of year. It’s interesting cuz my girlfriend Wendy, who works in the fitness world, said that that is actually has become now the busiest season for gyms is September. Wow. And it’s the reset. It’s okay, I didn’t have my summer body and now I’m into the fall. I’m, I gotta do something.

And if there is something, so you’re right, the dates change. Right, but the behavior doesn’t, the, the, it’s this notion of, again, a resolution at its heart is, I want to do better, I want to be better, I want to do something different. And in many ways, I mean, it takes that kind of decision to affect any kind of change.

And, and as we’re talking about living your best life is gonna. Making those kinds of decisions, but perhaps making them very differently than you’ve made them before, hopefully. Right. , right, because again, the, it was interesting. I was reading this great book and it’s talking about, the author talks about the research that was done around what is the best diet, right?

That is the most successful. Is it paleo? Is it. Intermittent fasting, is it keto? And listed a bunch of others. And in the same vein, another study about what’s the best kind of training, if we’re talking about just the, the tuning up of the body, right? And is it, is it cardio? Is it strength training?

Is it CrossFit? Like what? And, and the research showed there is no leader. There is no best one. The ones that work are the ones you stick to. Yeah. Right. The re the research showed that actually they couldn’t point to any specific diet or training regimen having any benefits over others. The reason that people weren’t succeeding at them, it’s cuz they kept going from one to the other and Oh, right, right.

And trying something new, they weren’t sticking to it. So there’s this notion of I think resolutions have this dark side to them. That you know, we make them cuz they fill us with hope. They give us a sense of, again, that fresh start, that re that restart turning over a new leaf. And yet we make them with this understanding that yet they have a very low success rate.

Right? Right. We talk all the time, the three of us, that language matters, really matters and that we are very deliberate with the words we use. We certainly encourage that with the people that we work with to. Find the right language around anything. And we’ve titled this, this podcast today is, is this idea of revolutions not resolutions.

Revolution and revolution is a loaded word when we think about it. So why, why is that? Why did we choose that as a title? What are we truly trying to cover when it comes, he needs to try to unpack it. It’s really a great bit of writing. The no, the because resolutions don’t work. So we had to find, so.

Right, right. So we know they don’t work that, that data, I went hunting for data. I kind of go, okay, so how bad are, how bad is this? And one bit of research, this company organization called Strava, and I think it’s a fitness app. So they, they’ve got all this data. I think they had like 819,000 people’s goals, intentions around it, like the, you know, so the, the content looked good around it, but they said 91% of people.

And they knew which day I feel better. Right. Right. , , Rob finally finds I’m solid, 91% . Right. And they said, and actually the, they, they, they, they know which day. It’s January 19th and they called it Quitter’s Day, which is little harsh. Wow. Little harsh. If your birthday is January 19th, we’re sorry. Happy Quitter’s day.

Let’s, let’s view it as a new beginning. A new beginning. The, but. There’s a problem. So, so we know there’s a problem if 91% fail, but when people talk about the solution, about what do you do with the problem, there’s a problem with that, right? Because when, when you talk about why do people fail with their resolutions, well, you have a lack of accountability.

You’ve been unrealistic in your goal setting. There’s self doubt. You didn’t plan properly, you don’t have enough people with you. But what it, what it does is it firmly points all possible fingers at. , you fucked up. Right? As as opposed to there, there’s a problem with this approach, right? Eric? Eric, you said it.

The, there’s a, there is a pure intention, I think for most people when it comes to setting a resolution, but they’re not working. So we need something different and maybe something radically different. We talked about that word radical before as well, you know, going to the root. But we, we know something needs to shift and it needs to be major.

right? We need to find a different way to approach. How are we looking at how we’re growing, how we’re embracing new habits, new approaches, whatever that’s gonna be. So why a revolution, right? Right. We, so we know resolutions are not working, so we need, we need something different here, right? And so if something’s gotta change, like you, we’ve gotta make a.

and I think this is where the notion of revolution becomes more important because it is a dramatic shift, right? It’s a meaningful shift. It sounds radical, you know, so you kind of go, okay, is that what we mean in some ways? Yeah. in some ways. Yeah. It, it’s to recognize why would we continue this pattern that’s not serving us or 91% of the population who tries to do it.

Like that’s an indicator we should, we should embrace that. But I think in some ways, you know, that revolution is more about restoration of self. Right? Right. The revolutionary act is to go. , who are you really? And, and what do you need? Right? What do you need? It’s not, I, I have to lose this or gain that or be able to run this fast or, or those kinds of things.

Tho those are secondary. It’s a little bit further down the road. Right. It’s to get to what would it take to restore you to you. Hmm. Because I would say that’s a revolutionary act. Right? Right. Re revolution, like. to, right. So in some ways it’s a turnaround, it’s an about face or a return to self. Right. Is another way to look at it.

We know you look more broadly. It’s a, it’s a break with the past. , right. A revolution is to say, we’re gonna let go of these traditions, these approaches. We need a different way of doing things. So there’s, there’s a move away, but there’s also a sense of innovation. There’s a freedom to say, how do I want to create this for myself in a way that serves me better and serves us better?

Right. And that’s when you’re in a meaningful path. Well, and I, and I, the idea of revolution, go back to even, you used an example of about a you know, reading a book a week for a year. And you. . And then February. And then February . And then would, was that, would that be before books or three? Maybe.

Well depend. Is it Elite Year? February. Oh, right. That . We’ll figure that out. I hate you . The notion, the notion of reading a book a week can be powerfully transformational or can just be a check mark right on a test. Maybe I could have said it. I wanna learn about. Yeah. Right, as opposed to who cares if I’ve read 52 books, so I’ve glanced at the words on a whole bunch of pages and a whole bunch of volumes, but does that make me better or does that give me, like, am I just trying to flex?

When you also, you lose the, you lose the ability to say, you read, you start reading a book, and it’s profoundly. You know, changing you. But I’ve got, I’ve got seven days to read this book. I don’t have time to now, right. Take time to go through it and maybe go over it again. And to allow it to really make an impact in my life.

I’ve gotta do a task. Right. And, and it could be a book, it could be going to the gym, it could be losing weight. Absolutely. I think we could apply that. I, I think when we talk about it, the notion of revolution, perhaps the greatest revolution. is what fuels your evolution. What is actually fueling that growth, fueling that, that drive, you know, I mean, most resolutions, let’s face it.

Whether they’re made at certain times a year or it’s just a decision. You, you know, you usually reach a point where you’re just sick and tired of being sick and tired, right? Something’s gotta give, something’s gotta change. So, so there’s this drawing a line in the sand kind of thing that happens, right?

And I. Finally make that decision, I’m gonna make make the commitment. But let’s face it, if, if that was enough, if determination and willpower were enough, then we would see a greater success rate on, on, on resolutions. The thing is that we’re often it what’s fueling that evolution or that drive to change.

Is fear, it’s guilt, it’s shame, it’s other people’s expectations. And a, a car will run on bad fuel, right? You could, you can have tainted gas. I mean, depending on how badly it’s tainted. But tainted gas, a vehicle can run off of it. But not for very long and not very well. Eventually you’re gonna have an engine breakdown, and I think most people are running on toxic fuel.

Fear, guilt, shame. These are toxic emotions, toxic things that, that eat away at us. And, and we try to outrun them by saying, but look, look at me. I went to the gym. Look at me. I read that book. Look at me. I’m making this decision. the, the greatest revolution we need is to go back to why are we doing this?

What’s fueling the job, the why question. And, and rather than doing it because of some external pressure or external expectation that our parents have put on us, our family members, our friends, our culture is to get present to what really matters for me. What are my dreams? What are my aspir. What do I want out of life that is much better fuel to run on.

You know, we and I encourage you if you’re tuning in and you haven’t had an opportunity to listen to some of the other podcasts, to go back and listen to the first two podcasts where we really do outline for with, for ourselves, but also for all of you. What we mean by living richly. We give a lot of the.

And some of the pieces to the blueprint of what we are going to be discussing throughout all of these different episodes. You know, it goes back to, and I think there’s so much power to understanding what matters to you and then setting those you know, the resolutions, the revolution, setting the, the goals out of that rather than.

These picking, whatever that case might be, as we’ve talked about, to really understand it. And, and we, we, we all work with, we work with a lot of, in our, you know, certainly in our business, we work with a lot of business owners and leaders, and we will talk about the foundations of a strong and healthy business is understanding your, your, your, your core values, understanding your mission, your vision.

It’s true in us as individuals as well. I would say even more so. Yeah. Let’s face it, in the, in, in the world of business, even when organizations, for the few that have figured out their mission, vision, values, and they are the few usually that’s just a, a checkbox, it’s a resolution of sorts that.

that they know, well, we we’re supposed to have this. So they go through this exercise of creating these pithy statements that maybe then they post, you know behind the front desk at the reception, the marketing tools, it’s, they’re marketing tools, but they don’t really drive their decision making don’t really influence what’s going on within the organization.

So it’s, it’s not about just going through some empty exercise. If, if organizations. Who don’t have a sense for themselves will kind of drift Well, if you don’t have a sense of yourself this is why we’re drifting. This is why we’re coasting. This is why when the destination hasn’t been determined, when I haven’t gotten clear on what I want, anything will do.

But anything is being determined by others. I’m, I’m gonna be living. If I don’t have a clear vision for my life, somebody else’s vision is gonna be guiding my decisions. If I don’t get clear on what my personal values. Other people’s values are gonna drive my behavior. And that is a very, very difficult way to live because you’re giving energy to things you’re not even clear about, and it’s not getting that return on investment because it’s not true.

You, it’s not your authentic self showing up fully and deliberately in the moment. You’re again, living somebody else’s story as opposed to sorting out your own. Then we see individuals who aren’t. Right. Setting them for organizations. Right. Right. . Right. And what are the odds you’re gonna get that?

Right. Right, right. Like, you can choose any set you want. The the question is, how do you live it? That’s like a airplane pilot with severe vertigo. Right. . Right, right. Well, and you know, like there’s a, there’s an organization, their values were of respect. Right. Integrity, communications, and excellence. I’m like, I can get behind all of those.

Those are great. Yeah, but it was Enron, , so I, I’m feeling like, you know, living it out, like setting them is one thing, and this is where it’s really easy to. Borrow language, steal language, go, that’s exciting. Or even read someone else’s and feel that emotional response going, I want that too. Right? But that might not be yours.

What you want is something that moves you right in, in that same way, but it has to be authentically yours cuz you cannot sustain what is not yours. A and that’s where people will put more and more energy to try and do it, to try and make it natural to try and make it feel. like self, but it’s not. And if it’s not, you can never sustain it.

You can do it for a while, but the amount that it consumes, the amount of energy required is just, it’s impossible to satiate the amount of energy that’s required to pull that off. Right? You can only where when it’s yours again, it, the flow reverses that actually fuels you to do that. So, When we think about that revolution, right?

Turning away from old habits, old behaviors, things that are not, sorry, like that’d be the letting go of tradition. Turning towards right, this innovation, right? What you. Really need. Right. What will restore you? What would, what, what makes makes you happy? Yeah. What are the things that you do? And it’s interesting.

I’ve been having a lot of these conversations. Part of my personal journey was getting present to that haunting question of what does it mean to live richly? And that I wrestle with that question for well over a year before the answer started to really kind of crystallize for me. I’m a, I’m a slow learner.

Yeah. . But, but this notion of asking myself the question, you know, what are the things in my life that really empower me or enrich me or feel my comfort? What are the things that that make me happy both personally and professionally? So in my work, what are the things that energize me in my life? What are the things that energize me?

And by looking at that and, and, and, and reflecting on it came to see some clear themes emerging, right? So now, instead of trying to make commitments to change that are just random, I know there are changes that I want to make, but perhaps I’m again, being driven by the wrong fuel. I mean, I’m fu the, the wrong fuel is, is driving this process, guilt, fear, shame, whatever else.

Now the, the fuel. This is connected to what energizes me. Yeah. This is gonna help me do this better. So again, when we talk about a revolution, part of it is how we approach it. It’s, it’s a mo sh moving away from just the strategies and the check boxes and the doing. And for, for focusing first and foremost on the being.

Who are you? What matters to you? What makes you happy? And then what are the things that you’re going to do in your. How do you do more of those things and connect some of the changes you’re trying to make to those things that you already have tremendous energy for and tremendous momentum toward.

And, and we, we’ll often say this when we’re, when we’re working with a business owner, and I recognize that we’ve got business owners listening, we’ve got executives listening, we’ve got, you know factory workers. I hope we have someone else. Listening. Is there any of us, we got anyone listening out there

We’ve got someone, someone listening. Think. Think Steve tuned us out. . I, I, somebody, somebody please listen, I’m listening. We’re listening when, when we but when we do talk to business owners, we ask the question when they’re making decisions, well, what do your values say to that? And I think even when it comes to all of these, Kind of deciding on goals, deciding on direction to be able to ask that question, well, what do my values say to this decision, to this behavior, to whatever that is.

Well, if you haven’t defined what those values are, the answers beats me. Right? Right. If you don’t know what you value, any answer will do. That’s right. Absolutely. But it’ll be the wrong answer. It’ll be the wrong answer. So let me, let me ask you this question. How, because I think a lot of people understand and go, oh yeah, no, I, yeah.

What am I, I know this. When I, when I will invite someone to explore what are their values. You’ve given a couple of questions that you’ve asked to help kind of figure that out. What are some other recommendations, suggestions? What are some practical things that we can be talking about that help people figure out?

What really matters to them? Well, I think one is if you’re going to live your best life, one of the things. Is going to have to be a part of your life in a way that’s true to you that makes sense for you, is developing a reflective lifestyle. You cannot answer these questions, right? In the hustle and bustle of day-to-day life, running from one thing to the next and never taking time to slow down.

Present to your own thoughts, your own inner life. So it’s not gonna happen during the drive-through at at Tim Horton. It’s gonna be very difficult for that to happen now, I think. Depends on the drive-through. Yeah, exactly. , I think we can have epiphanies just about anywhere. But the, the, when we have a reflective lifestyle built in, when we have some reflective practice and that can look different, that could be meditation, it could be journal.

Reflective writing. It could be just reflecting on your day, what you’re grateful for developing some sort of reflective practice. Again, what makes sense for you. There is no one size fits all here, but it’s very, I would say it’s an essential, essential ingredient to figuring out what matters to you.

So depending, I mean, I, I, we’re gonna do a whole session or a whole podcast and, and maybe more than one on figuring out your values and we’ll dive into some methodology. , we’ll offer some frameworks that one might use and, and some questions that one might. We’ve got resources on the site. Exactly.

We’ll post, we’ll post those in the show notes, right? Yeah. But I would say to you primarily it’s, it’s creating space creating some space in your life. To, to reflect on this stuff and to get present to what matters most. How do you figure out your own script? You need to write it and a little bit by little bit slowly by slowly microevolution by microevolution.

But if you’re not creating the space it’s, it’s very difficult for those answers to show up. Well, no one else is gonna create it for you. No one’s gonna write it for, well, like no one could, no one will create speech for you. They will inf your, their story will become your story. Yeah. And that’s never a good thing.

Absolutely. Right. Because then you’re, you’re living somebody else’s life. Right? Right. That that accountability for creating space is yours and yours alone. And you have to take it in order to have, to be able to get the level of reflection that’s required. Yeah. Right. It’s so, so important. Like I just, the more, the more you’re describing it, I’m like, yep.

And like, and that is yours. Like that is yours. The, I. things that support that I think. Really clear on your needs. What do I actually need in my life? What do I actually need? It’s amazing how few people know what their needs are. Right? Right. And, and so to say, what do I need? And, and I think the Corolla, Corolla, the piece that goes with that is asking yourself, when do I, or when have I felt most like me?

Right, right. That’s a great question. I think it’s a great way to connect with your values, right? Or what you value. So if you get hung up on values, think about like what do you value? What’s important to you? When do you feel good? Right? Remember we talked about how feelings are functional, right? The feeling of good.

or happiness is literally your body saying do more of that. Like, that’s good. Right, right. That’s good. The right. It can go too far for sure. And then you kinda go, okay, there’s, there’s boundaries. It’s a container, like how do I move in that space? All of that stuff. But I think getting really clear on thinking either in your life, right, right now, when do you feel most like you?

And if you can’t remember when you most felt like you go way, way back. Right. Wow. Right. Go way, way back. And I think that’s why a lot of therapist counselors will say, tell me about when you’re a kid, because. , all this other stuff wasn’t layered on yet. And you, you actually had a bit of a clear view of some things that matter.

Guilt, fear, and shame did not yet mirror that much power. They weren’t really in charge yet. They weren’t really in charge. You didn’t have those filters or all that noise to, to, to, to break through. Right. And, and I think that leads to, well, again, you’re we’re talking about what are the essentials Yeah.

To figuring out what matters to you. And, and I think another one come back to what we talked about in episode two radical Self. Radical self-acceptance. I think without radical self-acceptance, most decisions we make to change that are often, again based in from the wrong, coming from the wrong place.

Yes. The, the and then the, the, the subsequent. Almost inevitable failure that follows only reinforces I’m a failure. I’m no good. I can’t do this. Things will never change. It’s a self-defeating cycle. And, and self-acceptance. You know, I was actually thinking about this this morning. It, it really comes down to four things.

It comes down, it starts with calling a truce with yourself. . Mm stop fighting yourself. Stop beating yourself up. Stop blaming yourself again. That’s where self-acceptance begins, is let, let’s, let’s put down the weapons of war. We’re talking about revolution, so we could talk about weapons of war.

Yeah. We about war tho Those are often turned on us. I mean, I think the vast majority, the leaders I talk to have a very harsh inner critic. Yeah. I, I lived with one for most of my adult life where, where that deep sense of self-loathing came from because of that inner voice, which was my own. Was beating up on my, on me all the time.

Yeah. So calling a truce then learning to not just call a truce, but to tolerate your own weaknesses, tolerate your gaps, tolerate the things that you don’t like about yourself. Learning to make peace with them. To some degree, not to accept them as your ultimate reality, but to begin to tolerate them a little bit more.

Open up the space where ultimately, as you begin to work your way through that, you start to trust yourself more. You start to trust yourself that I, I, I have a better sense of who I am. I’ve got a growing sense of where I’m going. And again, little bit by little bit micro evolution by micro E. That trust begins to build until ultimately you learn to treasure who you are.

And that’s where self radical, self-acceptance begins to find its full expression. It’s so interesting how as we’ve had these conversations, there are so many common themes that we see running throughout them. And when I think of revolution, not resolution, when I think about, you know, kind of defining your values and what matters to you, I immediately go to community.

And the notion of we can’t, it’s very difficult even. Reflection and with that time, however you use that time, if you’re not in a community or with others on the journey, who can help you a hundred percent in defining you know, I, I think of I’ve, you know, shared this with you on a number of occasions that one of those one of the probably most profound aha moments for me over.

A year or so as I’ve been taking this journey, was you making a comment around one of the things that I value, that I actually had a script that said, that’s the least thing I value, that I don’t, I don’t, I don’t like that at all. And it’s, and it was around this notion of connection that I don’t need to connect and I don’t need all, you know, I don’t need to be in relationship with other people because anybody that I’m in relationship with it ends at leave.

They leave. It’s. And, and so then when all of a sudden one day you made the comment around talked about that as being one of my values, it was because of the community of, of the respect that I have with you guys in these conversations that I was able to now take that and embrace it and then begin to explore and go, holy shit, that’s been a driving thing in my entire life.

Right, right, right. And, and. Being able to be in community, finding those right people to be on this journey, right? From that foundational piece of what do what matters to me, for me to say to you, Hey Erica, these are the things that matter to me. Do I, do you see that lived out on my life or not? You’re now able to bring right into some validation.

But also maybe some challenge on some of those. It’s, it’s both support and calling you on your bullshit. Absolutely. I mean, that’s authentic community where you’ve given others permission to speak into your life or to where you’re truly looking for that validation that this is what I’m seeing.

What are you seeing? There is gonna be this, this support, there’s gonna be this encouragement and there’s going to be a, a bit of the mirror effect where you could say, well, I don’t know about that, and let’s talk about that. And, and, and a wrestling of it. I think if, if, again, we’re, we’re, we’re kind of moving away from the sense of making resolutions , but if there was, if, if anyone was to make a resolution, I think the very best one you could ever make is to not go it.

Is to not try this journey on your own is to find that safe place to land where you can be your most authentic self, where you can begin to have some of these conversations, reflection, then expressed in conversation with. With other folks that are on the journey is transformational. You know, we believe in that so much that we even looked at it as we started to build out what it meant for us to share this journey of living richly with, with all of those that chose to, to be on it with us.

We recognize that we had to almost immediately find a way to invite people into community. Yeah. Right? And to do some of those things so that, because we recognize it, it. It is, if not to say it is impossible, it is almost impossible to be able to do this to take this journey alone. Right. And that’s, that’s part of the revolution is again it’s moving away from that false sense of bravado that.

Heroic individualism that our culture sells us, which just complete bullshit. It, it’s, it’s moving away. It’s, it’s a revolution in our thinking about change and transformation, the importance of community a revolution in how we, what we believe about ourselves again, that. Self-acceptance, right. That then can lead us.

I, you know, if a resolution floated out of, I’ve learned to, I’m learning to accept myself better, and because I’m loving myself more, I, I see self-care as a natural expression of that, right? So all of a sudden now I’m not going to the gym because I need to lose 25 pounds, because that’s what the culture’s perfect model of being physically fit.

No, it’s saying because I care about me and because I’m important and I’ve come to understand that, and I’m understanding it more and more each day. I want to take care of myself. I want to, as opposed to I have to, I get to even as opposed to, I have to, if the, if the goal is I hate myself, I need to change it.

The gym’s not gonna help . No, no. The gym won’t solve it. The but the, the goal then runs. Right to self-acceptance. Right. So and so the goal Wow. Yeah. Is literally working against you. Yeah. And, and reinforcing the worst things you can say about yourself. Right. I, instead of being a constructive act of growth and transformation, so you can do things and you can put in all kinds of effort, you’ll.

Some kinds of results. Wherever there’s action, there’ll be some kind of result or consequence, but it still won’t be what you’re looking for. Right? Right. No amount of effort around that will give you what you’re actually looking for if you’re running counter. To self-acceptance. If you cannot accept yourself, no amount of change or transformation is gonna fix that.

So it’s, it’s, again, it’s about a sequence thing. It’s also about inside out, right? Right. It’s about starting with who you are and then starting, yeah. Letting it, as you said, you said it really beautifully, like this expression of my self-acceptance to say, You know what I, I, you know, I’m a spirit packed in meat.

Like the meat is part of me as well though. Meat and so That’s right. Sounded worse. Sounded worse. , yeah. Don’t go there. Let’s let’s edit that out. Steve. Steve, we’re gonna, I’m not saying get rid of it, I’m just saying it was uncomfortable. Right. But to be able to look and say, how do I use this to actually.

Reflect who I, the who I fully, truly am in an act of self-acceptance and self-care, rather than as these res, which are so often acts of self-rejection. Right? Right. Revolution is messy. , no matter how you slice it, it doesn’t have to be violent, but it is messy. And my my sense is that most people, the reason they choose, even if they only end up reading four books, they set another they set another resolution to read a book a week.

Because it’s easy. Relu, a revolution is messy. It’s hard. Speak to that for a second. Just well, well, I think the first, the resolution in some ways, it’s almost like you’re trying to prove something. Oh, yeah, right. That I’m, this time I’m going to do it. This time I’m going to succeed. Whereas the other flows out of, again, this is now a natural expression, a more natural expression of who I am.

And who I’m becoming and what I want out of life and what makes me happy. It’s better fuel. I’ve talked to so many leaders when it comes to their inner critic, and I’ve challenged them, you know, on, on, on. And coming from my, my own experience, I’ve had so much of that lived, lived under that tyranny for so long.

That when I see it in others, I try to encourage them. And I’ve had so many leaders say, but you don’t get it. That it’s helped me, succeeded. It helps bring forward my best, like my best effort. And it’s been a huge part of my success. And I said, Uhhuh, . Mm-hmm. , but it’s toxic fuel at some point. The only reason you’re keeping that bastard around in your head is because you’re getting something from him or her.

It, you’re, you’re, there’s a benefit you’re getting, but it’s toxic in, in the long run in terms of it’s blowing from the wrong place. It’s bad fuel in the tank, replacing the fuel with, again, self-acceptance, radical self-acceptance, radical self-care now and only. Can, radical self-actualization becoming your best self begin to emerge?

The sequence matters. We’ve said this before, the sequence matters. So for some of you listening, you may be at various parts of that journey, right? Maybe you’re, you, you, you need to, self-acceptance is where you need to start. And that’s a beautiful place to start being kind to yourself, accepting who you are and, and making peace with yourself.

Maybe you are. Radical self-care. You’re moving more into taking better care of yourself, putting yourself first. Well, you’re on, you’re in a great place. Now to begin to take those other steps to say it’s not just about avoiding pain. It’s not just about avoiding the ill effects of not taking care of myself.

It’s more about living more intentionally. Not running from something, running towards something. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. I, I think that source, where is it flowing from? Where is it flowing from? I is the piece to check in all of this. I guess that, that, I think it’s probably the biggest revolution in all of this, right?

Is what is fueling your evolution. What’s driving that? Yeah. Is it continued surface command , so, so people see what you want them to see. Or, or is it, as you say, that embrace of self, right? And to say, you know, to recognize that each of us, for all we’ve been through, all the hurt, all the pain, maybe the suffering, that you’re still whole and complete.

and so to speak to that wholeness and that completeness and to say, how do I nurture that? How do I support that? How do I tend to that? How can I give that a little more room, a little more space, right? A little more care, a little more support, right? Those are goals that, or resolutions that bring meaning into your life, that are aligned with who you are that will energize you and support you, right?

It’s not what one more task in a busy. It’s one more must have in a life that matters. Right? Right. And I think that’s, that is a revolutionary act in a world that is so focused on Right. Checking off a list, demonstrating that they’re busy, keeping up with everyone else all of that. The Revolutionary Act is true care of yourself in real meaningful ways.

A hundred percent. Yeah. Any, any, let’s land this plane today. This has been really a powerful conversation. Any last thoughts that you would want to leave our listeners with? Be kind to yourself. You’re, you’re gonna make mistakes. Yeah. This is, it is gonna be a messy. We, we, we talk about self discovery being an extreme sport, right?

You’re going to get a little dirty in this process but be kind to yourself understand that it’s about making small incremental changes that are sustainable. It’s not about swinging for the fences cuz that usually sets you up for colossal failure, which only reinforces all the bad things.

Be kind to yourself little by little, slowly by slowly. Yeah, I think. It’s not much to add to that like that. Like it’s, it’s pretty powerful. It’s spoken so beautifully. I think the more you can connect it to when you feel most like yourself, oh yeah, whate, whatever brings you to the foreground, whatever, whatever that was for you a long time ago or recently.

Do the things that feel like it’s truly you and forget about everybody. Forget about everybody else in that and what you sh, you know, think you should do or what it oughta look like or any of that stuff, just go, I just like it cuz it just feels good. Mm-hmm. , it doesn’t have to be productive, right? It doesn’t have to be, you don’t have to score points with it.

It feels right. It feels like you, that’s something worth spending some time with, but it comes outta that reflection. Totally. And it’s ultimately the, the ultimate revolutions a revolution. Right. Returning back to yourself. Folks, we’re so glad you listened today. You dialed in for today’s episode. One of the things we’d like you to consider is if you’re enjoying these conversations, if they’re meaningful, resonating with you do hit the subscribe button on the podcast.

You can also view these videos on YouTube. You can subscribe to that channel as well. Share it with. Right. We talked about community and not doing it alone. Take take time. Don’t do it for us. Do it for you. Like never mention us if you want. Well, I guess it’s hard to share without me , but the, the point isn’t us.

The point is about do this with people you care about. Do this with support. Do this with healthy relationships. . And you know what? It might not be the person you’re closest to. It might be the person you know in your life who is healthiest in terms of how they’re living and approaching their life and their work.

And maybe it’s time to build and deepen that relationship. But share this if you can. Don’t do it alone. You are ready for a revolution. You’re done with checklist. So we’ve given you two things to check off . Let me give you, let me give you a third one that you can do, and that is to visit our website, living richly.me.

If you forward slash act actt we will have some great resources there as well, including a values tool to help you start the journey to understanding and defining your values so that you’re able to use them to. The decisions that you make in your life. On behalf of my two colleagues here, thank you so much for tuning in for listening.

We hope that you will take time to listen to the next podcast.