Reclaiming Your Story – How to Reset Your Relationship with Your Past

Reclaiming Your Story

Eric Deschamps:
I start severing the ties with the shit that holds you back and cement the truth to set you free.

Wendy Dodds:
If the fire inside you burns brighter than the fire around you, you will always survive. This too shall pass.

Kate Beere:
Yeah. Yeah. It’s not permanent. Yeah.

Rob Dale:
This too shall pass. And so you have the pen in your hand and you can write whatever script you wanna write. So write it.

Eric Deschamps:
Hi, everyone, and welcome to the Living Richly podcast. We’re so glad that you’ve joined us again this week. Today, we’re gonna be talking about, your relationship with your past, how to reset it and reclaim your story. Guys, let’s, let’s face

Rob Dale:
it that most of us have a

Eric Deschamps:
pretty complicated relationship with our past. I what is it? The Facebook status, relationship status, it’s complicated. I think that would apply Yeah. For most of us when we think of that. We we actually recently just pulled the Living Richly Nation, our Facebook group, and asked them to describe in one word, what, their relationship to their past was. It was amazing, actually. A little disturbing that so many people chose the word haunting. Wow.

Eric Deschamps:
Over 25% at the time. The poll is still running now, but, so let me let me let me kinda start there. Let me, how would you describe your relationship to your past? And why is it so important that we reset our relationship with that period of our lives as opposed to just put it behind us? Yeah. Wendy, let’s start with you.

Wendy Dodds:
Yeah. I’ll jump in. I think the first thing that, the first word that comes to mind is ownership.

Eric Deschamps:
Mhmm.

Wendy Dodds:
I think it’s a lot easier to run away from stuff that we don’t wanna deal with. And so I think ownership for me is is is is forefront. I think it’s almost like grabbing the pen back from anyone who tried to write any aspect of my life, and and for me taking it back and saying, nope. This is this is my story, and this is how I’m gonna write it, and I have permission to write it however I want.

Rob Dale:
Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Love that.

Kate Beere:
Yeah. I think for me, it’s complicated, but it’s also evolved. So, you know, now how I don’t get stuck in my past, whereas before I would I would often get you know, look back on things where, you know, I failed or I didn’t do a good job, and I beat myself up, and I would stay in there for so long. Mhmm. And now I feel like I I can visit it, and I can come back to the present. And I don’t feel that I get stuck there. So my relationship with my past has changed so much, and I’m expecting it’s going to continue to evolve, you know, as I continue to grow.

Rob Dale:
Yeah. 100%. It’s so interesting because it’s it’s hard to pinpoint one word. And I know that when you put that poll out, I first looked at it, and I was almost I wanted to go empowerment. I thought, I don’t that, like, is it? Is it? And I more I thought about it, empowering is how I see my past, and it’s probably because of some of the things that I’ve gone through. And I’ll the the darkest one, of course, is the death of a daughter. When I’m facing different situations today, when I’m looking at different things that I’m having to deal with, that’s the measure. Is is it as bad as that? Nope.

Rob Dale:
Okay. Good. I can go through this. And so there are lots of scripts and other stuff why I would use the probably the word complicated as well because there’s lots of things about it that are not really resolved. But, certainly, when it comes to my past has been a source of strength for me in how I face situations today. Yeah. Absolutely.

Eric Deschamps:
I I think I chose in the poll, you you were allowed to choose more than one word, and I chose haunting and empowering. Yeah. And I think you went back and forth said most days, it’s empowering. Sometimes, it’s haunting. And I I think you said 90:10. 90:10. Yeah. And I’d say that’s probably true for me too.

Eric Deschamps:
Yeah. Like, ask me to describe my relationship to my past, and my my answer is depends on the day. Yeah.

Rob Dale:
It depends on what’s up. Yeah.

Eric Deschamps:
And it depends on how I’ve been triggered. Right? Certain things trigger me more than others.

Wendy Dodds:
Yep.

Eric Deschamps:
But it’s so important. For me, when we think of why it’s important to consider that and and learn to, like, learn to reclaim the story, truly reclaim our story, is is I think it’s about mindfully choosing, what we carry forward from our past into our present and into our future as opposed to being unconsciously controlled and influences by shadow forces pulling strings from the background that you’re unaware of, unconscious of. It’s about mindfully choosing. I call it severing the ties of the things that hold you back and cementing the truths, that light your heart on fire. Right? Like, it’s really bringing forward all the best from your past into now and into the rest of your life.

Kate Beere:
Well, and a big part

Wendy Dodds:
of that is taking control of your narrative

Rob Dale:
Yeah.

Eric Deschamps:
Around that.

Wendy Dodds:
So I love how you how you worded that.

Rob Dale:
It it’s so interesting how when you ask people about their past, there there’s there’s a lot of people who will just, well, the past is the past, and I I don’t I don’t wanna look at it. I don’t wanna face it. I don’t or I don’t wanna think about it. Mhmm. It doesn’t matter what the past is. And it you know, the past is what you make it to be. Yeah. Right? And and I love the language you’re using there around taking control of it, reclaiming it, because it is it is absolutely the things we’ve gone through have shaped who we are today.

Eric Deschamps:
100%. It’s like the old adage. Right? You don’t drive your car.

Rob Dale:
If you if you looked in

Eric Deschamps:
the rearview mirror all the time, you’ll crash. Right? Like, it,

Rob Dale:
but you do need to

Eric Deschamps:
drive safely. You do need to refer that those rearview mirrors, like, regularly. And I think often to your point, the extreme of not living in your past is we ignore it.

Rob Dale:
Yeah.

Eric Deschamps:
And I think then we we we are unconsciously carrying forward things that are influencing us, we’re not mindfully choosing. And we talk so much on the show about choosing instead of coasting, deciding instead of drifting, and I think it’s so true here. I’m really excited about this conversation because it’s gonna be one of several. We started it with the launch of the 15 day challenge, which covers actually in the larger quadrant model

Wendy Dodds:
Yeah.

Eric Deschamps:
That we’ve discussed. Right? That’s actually, like, quadrant number 2, the 15 day challenge. This is actually going back a step to quadrant number 1, which we call reclaiming your story. And it’s to me, it’s really about I think it’s certainly not an exhaustive way to carry that forward, but I think it’s a powerful, simple 4 step way looking at 4 dimensions of your life, of your past to help reset it. It starts by looking at who have been the key influencers, in your life. We hear a lot about influencers in social media. These days, that term has become very popular, but we’ve had people in our lives that have shaped our store in a pretty significant fashion. It’s about, getting clear about the, the lessons that we have learned through some of the hardest things that we’ve gone through Mhmm.

Eric Deschamps:
And what beliefs we have formed as a result of that. And then it’s a a what strengths have emerged? Right? Like, the shit that you go through makes you stronger. You know? What’s the saying? What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger? Well, what are some of the signature strengths that your past has left you with that you might be more deliberate about leaning into? And then finally, it’s what are the scripts, the beliefs that you need to let go of? What are the false narratives, the false stories that you need to shed, so that you can really live more in the present and embrace a better tomorrow? So so let’s start with key influencers. Right? Like, the people that have really, influenced you in a significant way. Talk to us. Let let’s talk about, like, how those people do shape our narrative, and why acknowledging that is so important to reclaiming our story.

Kate Beere:
Oh, and that’s me.

Rob Dale:
Yeah. I don’t understand me. I’m like I I I probably told you. I was about to answer it, and then I saw your eyes light up, and I went,

Kate Beere:
you go. Alright. No. She wants to shape us.

Wendy Dodds:
Oh, there’s so much pressure.

Kate Beere:
Yeah. No. I think you you know, I’ve talked about this on the show before where, you know, people come into your life for a reason, this season, or a lifetime. And I I think, subconsciously, the people who surround you and influence you, you’re not always consciously choosing who those people are. Those people are subconsciously being attracted to you, I think, by what you’re putting out. And and how many times in your life as you go through a period of growth do the people around you, those people who influence you, change?

Rob Dale:
Yeah.

Kate Beere:
And that’s that ever changing relationship with influencers. I think there’s some people that you have influencers for a lifetime.

Eric Deschamps:
Yeah.

Kate Beere:
For me, I know there’s some, and then there’s others that have come in for a reason or they’ve come in for a season, and that’s it. So I think sometimes we don’t even know that we’re attracting certain people into our bubble Yeah. Based off where we’re at on our journey.

Eric Deschamps:
And then when you think about it, you think of those key influencers, whether they’ve been with us for a season

Rob Dale:
Yeah.

Eric Deschamps:
Reason or a lifetime. Often when we get present to the influence they’ve had or the deposit they’ve made in our life Yeah. Is only at when they’re gone. Yeah. Right? When they’re no longer there. Or perhaps we it’s at a memorial service or we’re we’re we’re forced to like, we’re we kinda come to terms with that. But I think mining it, getting clear on what are the deposits that they’ve left can be so powerful.

Wendy Dodds:
Yeah. I I agree with that. I think if I think of a reflective mirror, it ties in so well to what you just said, Kate, because people around us can reflect their perceptions, onto us. And it’s what it’s what we choose to allow in and what’s gonna serve us. But acknowledging that allows us to adjust our narratives

Eric Deschamps:
Right.

Wendy Dodds:
When they need to be adjusted and allows us to take from whatever experience or whatever person is in our life

Rob Dale:
Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:
What we need from it at that time.

Eric Deschamps:
Yeah. Yeah. 100%. And I

Rob Dale:
think those influencers can be both, positive and negative. Right? When I when I thought it when I when I first read, and and preparing for our show today, and and kinda looking at the conversation we’re gonna have, I was thinking you were asking about who are those influencers, not what are some of the things that I learned. And my first thought was, well

Eric Deschamps:
Well, I’m asking both. Yeah.

Rob Dale:
I know that. Yeah. And it’s like, well, my mom’s my you know, because I always talk about how my mom’s this this great, this hero of mine and everything like that. But I realized, and it really this penny only dropped in the last I’m probably probably about 24 hours into settling in on this, and it’s kinda one of these, for me, it’s a a boom, right, kind of a thing. And so I still have to process it. So I’m processing it live on the show right now. We’re doing this, listening

Eric Deschamps:
to you good

Rob Dale:
right now.

Kate Beere:
Right? My dad. Mhmm.

Rob Dale:
And and my dad was somebody, of course, and I’ve shared it in my story. My dad was not a part of my life. And in fact, the first time I met my dad that I can recall, I met him before this, but first memory I have of my dad is is sitting in a in a visitor room at Millhaven Maximum Security Prison. The first quality time I spent with my dad was in a trailer visit at, at a a medium security prison. Collins Bay was he was he had just transferred from Millhaven to from the maximum security to medium security, and I spent a weekend in a in a trailer, doing a visit with him. The amount of times in the most, unique moments where the, I go back to the memories of the conversations that I had with him at that point and how those conversations have influenced and shaped, so much of how I, process information, the way he was an intellect.

Kate Beere:
He

Rob Dale:
was an incredibly smart individual, all of this stuff. And I often find myself saying things that I were that were originally I heard during those first, you know, couple of days with them. So Powerful. So here’s somebody who and then that was it. And then I had a few more visits with him, some letters and stuff like that, and then he comes out prison and disappears. And next time I see him, he’s in the morgue. Wow. So it wasn’t like he had so obviously he had a tremendous influence in my life.

Rob Dale:
He didn’t have a direct impact in those conversations except for that one weekend visit, in Collins Bay, and yet I’m realizing more and more the last 24 hours I’ve been like, holy shit. So much of what I think about life Yeah. I go back to conversations and statements that he made during those those few days.

Eric Deschamps:
Well well, the reality is, I I mean, all the research, for the last 50, 60 years has been so clear on how you’re, when you’re young, that your first formation, your family of origin, how that is so, it, it shapes the way that you see yourself and you see the world. So I’m not surprised No. To hear that. And I love that you brought up the fact that not all mentors or influencers are positive. I mean, yeah, Luke Skywalker had his Darth Vader, and that’s what shaped him to become who he was. We all will have a Darth Vader or 2 in our story that are not people we’re aspiring to be like, but they help us define what we don’t want to be like. And even that is very positive because it helps us it helps to shape our values and our view

Rob Dale:
of the world.

Eric Deschamps:
And so when Darth Vaders appear, none of us we don’t wish it on anybody, right, that they encountered the Darth Vader, but the the that influence can be so significant. So you’ve talked about your dad. What about for you guys? Like, who’s been a significant real what’s one person? Because for the sake of time, we could probably talk all day just about this. But what’s one person that’s been a big influence for you?

Wendy Dodds:
I would say my grandmother. I just, admired her zest for life so much. And, even, after her passing, she’s been gone for 12 years now, but I still feel very connected to her. I still visit her gravesite often, and I sit and just talk with her and stuff. You know, she helped me through a tremendous amount of adversity when I was going through my divorce and separation. And yeah. So she would she would definitely be one who’s influenced my life. Wow.

Eric Deschamps:
And what would be one piece of advice that she gave you that’s been a game changer for you?

Wendy Dodds:
Oh, gosh. She used to give me, she used to give give me so much advice. One thing that she used to say is always smile because the world is always smiling back at you.

Eric Deschamps:
I think I’ve heard you say that more than once. Now I know where

Rob Dale:
it comes from. That’s

Eric Deschamps:
fair. What about you?

Kate Beere:
For me, it’s John, my stepdad. I think, in in some ways in combination with my mom, John was just very quiet and calm and really designed a life. 1st person I saw designed a life that he really wanted. And so, you know, he was working from home when nobody was working from home. You know? He was going to meetings in traveling. So they they really showed me through more actions, just this great life that they had built together. And so for me, that’s just the the power of influence there is is not always in what he said. It’s in what he didn’t say, and it’s by his actions and what he did.

Rob Dale:
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Eric Deschamps:
So it was, wasn’t so much the advice.

Rob Dale:
It’s the way he lived his life.

Kate Beere:
Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 100%.

Eric Deschamps:
You you talked about your dad. I would say for me, certainly my dad was a major influence, but the human being that’s probably influenced me the most, is Jim Harrington.

Rob Dale:
Mhmm.

Eric Deschamps:
And I’ve talked about Jim more than once. He, he’s been on the show. He’s been on the show. He did a couple episodes with us. He works with our team now. He’s like a coach to our team. He’s like a second dad to me, and, I would say the same. It’s not he’s given me so much useful advice.

Eric Deschamps:
He’s probably the most genuine human being I’ve ever met and the wisest man I’ve or person I’ve I’ve ever met.

Rob Dale:
Yeah. Next to me.

Eric Deschamps:
Right. That’s what I always say. Yeah. But I often say, Jim, if I can be half the coach that he is, I’ll be doing really, really well. But, again, it’s not so much what he has said to me over the years. It’s his way of being his right? And, but I do know the one thing that, he taught me, you know, he kept saying over and over again, especially during the period when I was getting divorced, and I was in a really rough spot. I talk about that on episode number 3. This is now episode 80.

Eric Deschamps:
That’s 77 shows ago. Going down to see him when I was in a really rough place, he invited me to come, and he just took me into his home. And he just kept reminding me, you’re gonna be okay, Eric. You’re gonna be okay. You’re gonna be okay. And so it’s even now in moments where I’m struggling or I’m going through a hard time, I can hear that voice. You’re

Kate Beere:
you’re gonna be okay.

Rob Dale:
Yeah. You know what is really and it this just kind of hit me around with Jim because when you talk about that, if I could only be, you know, half the coach that he is, you know, and and and I think you you are certainly you are incredibly capable coach right up there with with somebody like Jim. You’ve never as much as he’s influenced you, you’ve never tried to be a Jim point to to know. No. Right? Like, your personalities, your style, the your delivery of how you bring stuff to the table He’s

Eric Deschamps:
a lot more charismatic than I am.

Rob Dale:
Yeah. No. No. But it couldn’t be it couldn’t be further. Right? Like, you got you and and one of the things that as much as he’s influenced you and influenced your life, you never then tried to shift out of the authenticity of who you are to being, like, I gotta I gotta how would Jim do this? I gonna do it the same way Yeah. Which is what oftentimes people do is they look at the people that have influenced and think, I need to be more like them. No. You need to be more like you.

Rob Dale:
Embrace the spirit Love it. Of them. But I love that because I when you said that, I was like, man, yeah. Like, you got you you you bring out a lot of the characteristics of Jim without trying to be Jim. Right.

Eric Deschamps:
Right. And I think that’s the actually, the when we think of the kinds of influences we want to have. We talk about the influences that we’ve had. That’s the purpose of this exercise, this conversation. Yeah. But as we’re looking perhaps for other mentors or influences in our lives, I think it’s to surround ourselves with people who let us be exactly who we are. Right? I think it’s Brene Brown talks about the difference between, fitting in and belonging. Yeah.

Eric Deschamps:
Most people try to fit in, live their whole lives trying to fit in. And to fit in, you’re often having to be someone you’re not so that you fit into the crowd. Yeah. True belonging is where people just accept you as you

Rob Dale:
are Yeah.

Eric Deschamps:
As your authentic self. If you could send that we’re gonna shift gears here just for time, but if you could send a message, I know John’s no longer with us. Right? I don’t is your grandmother still no longer with us? I know your dad’s not here. Jim’s still around. But if you were able to send a message, to those influencers, what would it be?

Kate Beere:
I mean, thank you. I mean, I I think, like, that’s the primary message.

Eric Deschamps:
It’s

Kate Beere:
just thank you for just being. I think for me in that essence was just showing me that there’s a way and a path and a it’s having that sort of positivity that’s, you know, not always meaning they’re always positive. But for me, John was a positive role model. That was, like, a a a great experience to have someone you’re in in my life who was a male, right, who I looked up to. So just thank you. Like, thank you for being you and for showing up and being consistent and showing me that there’s a different way to go after what you want, but not insisting that’s the way to go.

Rob Dale:
Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Yeah.

Kate Beere:
Yep. I

Wendy Dodds:
think Kate summed it up beautifully.

Eric Deschamps:
Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I I would say the same, and I think, you know, for those of you watching the show, if your influencers, the folks that you really looked up to are still around, make sure even may perhaps pause the show right now and send them a note, and thank them for their contribution to your life. I think most of us go through life unaware of the positive impact we may be having on others, and and we lose sight of that. And and, so taking time to them while you still can, I think is is so powerful?

Rob Dale:
Let me jump in because I wanna answer that question, and it’s different because it’s a different answer, and I think this will be helpful for some people that are listening that would be like me where somebody who has influenced your life hasn’t been that person who has maybe been where you there’s no way that there’s no place where I could say with genuineness, thank you to my dad. Right. That just wasn’t the relationship we had. But what came to mind when you asked that question is I understand you. And the notion of when I look at my dad and what he brought to the table you know, he died he died an alcoholic. He died, you know, hiding on the run from from the police. Like, he was, you know, in hiding, all of this stuff. And the potential he had to be something more.

Rob Dale:
He had everything there. He wasn’t able to to find that void to to to put it all together. He wasn’t able to put the pieces together. And for a lot of years, I could’ve looked at him and said you failed me or all of those things. Where I go from it today is to be able to say I understand. You you you did what you could with the limitations of what you understood. Yeah. And as a result of that, I can now be I can be free with that.

Rob Dale:
And maybe for some of you, when you’re looking at an influencer in your life who is negative, who is, you’re not gonna say thank you.

Eric Deschamps:
Mhmm.

Rob Dale:
But maybe there’s a different way to frame that, to reframe it in your mind so that, again, you can reclaim that past Yep. And take ownership over it because it’s not holding you back because you’re able to release what that person was for you.

Eric Deschamps:
Yeah. I absolutely love that. And and I think, you know, as you were saying that, when we talk about reclaiming our story, resetting our our relationship to our past, It’s not about making it all make sense. No. Because I don’t think you can. There’s gonna be some things that you you’re like, but we may never resolve and are likely never going to resolve. But can you make peace with it? Yeah. And can you can you say thank you? Can you say I understand? Can you draw more of that into your life now, the good that it’s left you? Yeah.

Kate Beere:
Yeah.

Eric Deschamps:
And how it’s transformed you to really leverage it

Kate Beere:
Yeah.

Eric Deschamps:
To live more in the now and and build the life you’ve always dreamed of. Let’s shift gears. Let’s talk about lessons learned in hardship, shall we? I mean, we’ve all been through trials and tribulations. In my former life, there’s a I think in in the book of Isaiah, it’s called the furnace of affliction, in the in the good book. Right? We’ve all been through those times where we we we would never wanna relive it, and yet we’ve come through on the other side and maybe not immediately. Sometimes there’s lag between the hardship and when the lesson is actually learned.

Rob Dale:
Yeah.

Eric Deschamps:
Yeah. What lessons are learned. And, how have your challenges been a source of strength in learning, and why is it important, to get present to them and reflect on them?

Kate Beere:
Yeah. I think I I think you just nailed it on the timing. I think when you’re in it, you can’t see the forest through the trees. Yeah.

Eric Deschamps:
It’s hard.

Kate Beere:
The trees through the forest? I think I got that part.

Eric Deschamps:
For the trees.

Kate Beere:
Forest through

Wendy Dodds:
those? There’s trees in the forest? For the trees. Maybe there’s no trees in

Eric Deschamps:
the forest. If a tree falls, there’s in

Kate Beere:
Can you hear it?

Rob Dale:
They make any noise. It is forced through the for the trees.

Kate Beere:
So now that we’ve ruined that enough, all of our listeners

Wendy Dodds:
I thought it was beautiful.

Rob Dale:
I thought it was spectacular.

Wendy Dodds:
Wonderful last night. Thank you.

Kate Beere:
Yeah. Now I’ve completely lost my day. I don’t know. But I think when you’re in it, you just cannot see it. And I think it is afterwards when you’ve gone through something difficult and a challenge. Afterwards is when you can have the perspective. I think when you’re in it I’m not saying you you can’t see it, but you might see it very clouded or very, like, in

Wendy Dodds:
that space.

Kate Beere:
I think it’s afterwards where you can look back.

Eric Deschamps:
Once the dust settles a little bit.

Kate Beere:
There there’s things you you can like, I think, like, John passing away is not a challenge. It’s not the word I would use, but hit hit the when John died, when I’m in it, I the that emotion is just a very that’s grief. It’s a million and one emotions all in one. But afterwards, like, can you find what can you take away? Right? So when I look back, I look back as all the fond memories, all the great times we have, and and that I find so much joy in in peace in. So there’s I I wouldn’t wanna repeat the challenge, and death is a weird association with the word challenge. But afterwards, you come out of it. Like, you know, the strength I had, the resilience, the ability to, truly feel deep emotion that I didn’t know I could feel. You can you can take away good from a really difficult situation.

Wendy Dodds:
I agree with you. A lot of times, you can’t see it

Rob Dale:
Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:
In the moment. You can’t see it when you’re in it. It’s very cloudy. But recognizing that that journey and that reflection on it

Kate Beere:
Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:
Hindsight is what builds resilience.

Rob Dale:
Yeah. A lot

Wendy Dodds:
of people will say, like, how do I become more resilient? I have such a hard time, dealing with resilience and adversity, but a lot of it is recognizing that that’s the only way to grow out of your comfort zone. Yeah. Nothing grows in your comfort zone. That’s right. And by recognizing that, and then take a look at what your reaction and your attitude is around that Totally. That’s how that determines how your story will develop. Yeah.

Rob Dale:
Yeah. I I forget exactly how she said it. Maybe you ladies might remember this, Ray, who we had on the I had an episode with Ray when, not that long ago. And she talked about there’s one moment in that episode where, she said, I wouldn’t wanna go back. I I don’t wanna change anything in my past because it’s made me who I am today.

Kate Beere:
Right? 100%.

Rob Dale:
And I think there’s so much truth to that. Yeah. You know, people sometimes will say to me, like, do you do you wish you had you know, that Katie didn’t do you wish Katie was with you? And do you ever think about what Katie would be like if, you know, she was now 22, 23 years old? And, of course, I think about that. And, yes, I would love to have her with me, but I wouldn’t change them. I I if it meant sacrificing, one, we wouldn’t have had Remy. If Katie had lived, we wouldn’t have had a third child. I wasn’t in the plans. Right.

Rob Dale:
So I look at it and go, I’m so grateful for Remy in my life. I’m so grateful for all of what I learned through those hardships and those trials and Yeah. And all of that. So in that context, again, it’s these these are not black and white answers.

Eric Deschamps:
No. In

Rob Dale:
that context, absolutely. I wouldn’t change a thing

Kate Beere:
Yeah.

Rob Dale:
About all of the hardships I’ve gone through because I couldn’t be who I am today without them.

Eric Deschamps:
Yeah. A 100%. A 100%. I think it’s it’s really how you approach it and the mindset you have around, you know, we talk about the victim mindset where life is happening to me and, you know, if there’s a lot of complaining, a lot of moaning, a lot of, like, you know, it’s not my fault and there’s nothing I can do. And, I I think we all fall below the line there, from time to time. Like, we all go there. Right? Feel sorry for ourselves and look at things. But when it’s when we talk about reclaiming our story, it’s looking at those moments to your point to everything you guys have said, like, and saying what what how has that changed me? How has that shaped who I am? And like reverse mentors, we talked about the Darth Vaders or our key influencers.

Eric Deschamps:
There’s also moments where, right, we we didn’t respond so well, and that the moment made us worse for a little while. We instead of becoming better, maybe we went bitter

Kate Beere:
and and,

Eric Deschamps:
right, and and and spiteful and whatever else and maybe made some poor choices.

Wendy Dodds:
Yeah.

Eric Deschamps:
But instead of beating ourselves up with that information, like I know I often do, especially over certain things that have happened in my life and decisions that I’ve made, is to say, well, even that was part of the education. Even that was part of the lesson learned of shaping who I am, that I went down a certain path for a season. And when I look at that, that’s not who I want to be. Well, when people are trying to choose a career or trying to change, like, often they’ll they they have to try different things, and I always encourage them and say, well, okay. So you just figured out something else you don’t wanna do. That’s great. It’s one less on the list. But we have a hard time doing that sometimes with our

Kate Beere:
past. Right?

Eric Deschamps:
We kinda just beat ourselves up, over it. How do you guys, like, deliberately leverage the lessons learned from your harder moments in the past, to navigate current challenges now?

Wendy Dodds:
Right away when you say that, I think

Rob Dale:
A bottle of wine.

Wendy Dodds:
Oh, no. No.

Rob Dale:
No. No.

Wendy Dodds:
Right away when I when you mentioned that, I think about, my accident in 2018 because it’s just such a pivotal moment in my life. Yeah. And the one lesson and the one thing that I I think is sometimes I’ll look at myself and be like, you’re a strong mother

Eric Deschamps:
fucker

Wendy Dodds:
because you because you got through it.

Eric Deschamps:
Right.

Wendy Dodds:
And there were moments when I didn’t know if I was gonna live, and I always think back to, a quote that resonates with me, and that’s if the fire inside you burns brighter than the fire around you, you will always survive.

Rob Dale:
Oh, I love that.

Kate Beere:
That’s a great

Rob Dale:
I love that. Yeah.

Kate Beere:
I love that. Yeah. I think, similarly, when Zach was in the hospital Yeah. For me, I I don’t think it’s I it like, in it, we talk about forest to the trees, trees of forest, whatever. When I was in it

Eric Deschamps:
We’re talking about trees, forests, and plants.

Kate Beere:
But when I was in it, my inner critic critic was on fire. When I was in it, I failed. I was a horrible parent. Like, it was and and afterwards, with a lot of therapy, was like, wow. Like, I I showed up so strong in that moment, and I did everything I could to help my son along the way. Mhmm. So it’s it you talk about in the moment not being able to see it, but knowing I have that much strength and resilience and power to get through that afterwards.

Eric Deschamps:
Yeah. Yeah. I love it.

Rob Dale:
Powerful. I, back in my preacher days, I went through a a a phase. Fuckin’ more, dude. Back in

Eric Deschamps:
no. You’re

Rob Dale:
not even close. Good morning, Dave. Okay, old Ben. Steve’s ears just peered away from the sound of that. Steve, that was booming. Hey. Back in my preacher days, I went through a phase where I would use movie clips, in in sermons. Right? A lot of guys were doing it.

Rob Dale:
Yeah. A lot of guys are doing that. And and all that’s going through my head right now when it comes to the lessons learned, and I can hear his voice and doing it, everything like that, but it’s it’s is the lesson, and that was just keep breathing. And it’s and and it’s from the movie, our castaway, Tom Tom Hanks. Yeah. And it’s near the end of the movie, and he’s he’s back. The name

Eric Deschamps:
of the volleyball again?

Rob Dale:
Wilson. Wilson. That’s right. You’re right. And and so he’s now back, he’s now back on you know, been rest you know, all everything’s good. If I’m spoiling the movie for you, I’ll fuck you.

Eric Deschamps:
He’s like a 100 years old. He doesn’t really mean that.

Rob Dale:
Yeah. But I’ll say it. Yeah. It’s near the end of the movie, and he’s having this he’s seen where he’s talking I can’t even remember who he’s talking to. I think it’s he’s talking to the the Helen Hunt character. Yeah. Anyway, but he’s talking about how how did he survive for all of those years. And he and that’s the language he used.

Rob Dale:
And I remember I it was so impactful that I use it I I’ve used that clip in sermons, is just keep breathing. And I and I know for me, through the hardships and the challenges that I’ve faced and the trials and the situations that I’ve gone through and to this today, when I’m feeling it, when I’m burdened, when I’m feel I go back to that notion of just keep breathing.

Eric Deschamps:
I love that, brother. Love that. So good. 2 things. A quick before we shift gears because, again, we’re just we we got lots still to cover here, and I’m glad we’re unpacking this because I think there’s a lot of richness here that we can revisit in future shows. One growth that was once explained to me, like, people sometimes we go through hardship, and then we go through another hardship, and we feel like we’ve not learned anything. Right? How many times have you even perhaps said to yourself, I feel like I’m just going around in circles. And right? Like, I just feel like I’m I’m right back where I started.

Eric Deschamps:
Right? I don’t think there’s been any growth. And the reality is if you’re learning even just a little bit, you may have circled around, but you’re circling a mountain. And every time you circle, you’re at a slightly higher elevation. And so with each each round, even though it feels like you’ve come back to point 0, you haven’t. Mhmm. You’re just a little bit higher up. And the higher up you go, the greater the visibility, the greater the view, the greater the perspective. And I think sometimes we lose sight of that.

Wendy Dodds:
I love that.

Eric Deschamps:
I had a conversation this week with a great new client of mine. He’s a multi multimillionaire. He’d been very successful in the, construction world. And he recently he was talking about it. I asked him how his stress level was, and he’s just pretty high. He said, to a scale of 1 to 10, he says, 7. And he said it kinda I was like, he’s probably higher. Yeah.

Eric Deschamps:
I wonder how how he said it. Turns out there’s a side project that he’s working on outside of his primary business, and there it’s it looks like it’s gonna be a loss of several $1,000,000. It’s the biggest loss he’s ever encountered, and he’s navigating it with a few other businessmen that he’s doing this with. And I could tell it’s really weighing heavy on him, and he’s, like, this is the first time I’ve never faced something like this before. I’m not quite sure what to do. We’re talking here a really savvy, successful individual who’s facing off with some pretty high stake losses, right, from this business venture gone bad. And so I just started to remind ask him. So so so how many times have you faced off with something difficult in your life and navigated through it? And he starts to think he could and I said, how many times have you managed to turn it around? And how many times have you and all of a sudden, it was like he got present and you his entire spirit changed in that moment.

Eric Deschamps:
He got present. This not this is not my first rodeo. He said, okay. So this challenge is new, but I’ve been here before.

Kate Beere:
Mhmm.

Eric Deschamps:
And I’ve been here many times and successfully navigated through. And the times that I didn’t, I learned from them, so that wasn’t a failure either. I think we tend to to for me, what I try, I try and this was, it was, Ray Dalio who would say connecting the dots is so important for us to do. Yeah. And he said to remind yourself, the next time you face a challenge, just remind yourself this is just another one of those. I have been here before, and I’ve got a long track record of overcoming hardship

Rob Dale:
Yeah.

Eric Deschamps:
And this won’t be any different. It’s David and Goliath, David facing off first with the bear, then the line, finally the giant. And he faces the giant and says, hey, man. You’re just another one of those. Right?

Rob Dale:
It’s Yeah. I think there’s so much truth. I I when we first started dating, we were first having conversations. I I don’t know if you remember this, but I would talk about the notion of well, you would you would talk about something that was going on, and then you would use the, you know, FML. Right? And as a lot of people do. Right? People will always use FML. Fuck my life. Oh, it’s oh, that’s just so typical FML.

Rob Dale:
And I hate that phrase. Like that like, to me, it’s like, what? No. No. Like, why who puts that out in the universe, and who who who looks at their past that way? And that that’s how many people do. Right? They look at it and go, oh, look. There’s another situation. Oh, there’s another situation. FML.

Rob Dale:
Right. Instead of seeing it the way that you’re seeing it going, oh, there’s another situation. Good thing I’ve already gone through a whole bunch of these because now I know how to handle that.

Eric Deschamps:
Right. And

Rob Dale:
it’s all in how you change perspective. 100%. How you see things differently to to be able to now face whatever challenge it is is that you can look and say, I’ve already dealt with the bear. Right. Just another one of those.

Eric Deschamps:
Just another one of those. It’s, again, the the the difference between life is happening to me or life is happening for me. Right?

Kate Beere:
Or this too shall pass, which is my favorites.

Wendy Dodds:
This too shall pass.

Kate Beere:
Yeah. It’s not permanent. Yeah. This too shall pass.

Eric Deschamps:
100%. 100%. Let’s talk about signature strengths, which is the third part of this quadrant, which when you think of, again, the influencers who have left their mark, and helped shape your narrative, the lessons that you’ve learned in hardship. And now that this the strengths that have developed in your life as a result, how do you sharpen what is it? As iron sharpens iron. Right? You you can’t sharpen it without, rubbing it against something that’s even harder. And so hardship has that gives us gifts. It leaves us with strengths, signature strengths that often go unrecognized. When you look at your narrative to date and you look back into your past, what would you say maybe 1 or 2 of those signature strengths are, and how do they serve you now.

Rob Dale:
I know for me, this this would be an easy one. Compassion and empathy. It’s it’s certainly, probably more than anything, that’s what I hear people say to me when I when I’m coaching clients. One of the thing they they they I provide such a safe space for them to be to get vulnerable and real with what their their struggles are, to get to the heart of what really matters. And I know that those strengths, the ability to to be able to both show compassion to others, as well as to be able to empathize with where they are, comes out of the the experiences that I’ve had in my past.

Wendy Dodds:
I love that. Yeah. I did a ton of self reflection, maybe because I used FML all the time. Apparently, I’m just finding out now. I did.

Rob Dale:
Wow. Live on the show. Awkward.

Eric Deschamps:
The next episode will be a group therapy session. Probably.

Rob Dale:
Robin would be.

Wendy Dodds:
No. I did a ton of self reflection a lot of time to recognize what my qualities and my talents were and not what everybody else thought that I should be doing or what society, thought I should be doing. And I really started to get present with who and what I wanted to align myself with.

Eric Deschamps:
Mhmm.

Wendy Dodds:
And that I think in turn has has transformed into into one of my strengths.

Eric Deschamps:
Love that. Yeah. Love that. That’s good.

Kate Beere:
For me, it’s curiosity. Curiosity is at the core of everything without being knowing it. I think it’s it’s why I think it’s how I’m wired. I I was actually listening to a podcast with Oprah and Brian Grazer, producer. And, he wrote a book called A Curious Mind, which I haven’t read, which I now wanna read. Yeah. But he talks about how he was a curious kid and he didn’t do well in school, and he ends up writing this book later called A Curious Mind. And I don’t know how over how many years, but he spent all these years just being curious and having curious conversation.

Kate Beere:
So he’d meet with people and interview, like, very sort of, you know, jarring individuals. Some were, you know, politicians or just very famous or not, and he he comes at it with curiosity. So it could be someone who’s very, I’m not gonna say, like, not a nice person. Put it that way. Yeah. But he goes in it with curiosity versus any type of formed opinion before he goes in to talk to them. He’s like, get curious. He’s like, get curious about the person ahead of you at the grocery store.

Kate Beere:
If you get curious about the person you just accidentally bumped into, imagine what could happen if you go in with openness and curiosity. So it really hit me where I was like, curiosity is one of those ones for me that has literally guided me my whole life.

Eric Deschamps:
I love that. And and for me, curiosity is actually one of my core values, personal core values.

Rob Dale:
And you guys should get together. We should probably hang out more. Yeah. Oh. What are you doing to me?

Eric Deschamps:
Oh. But but but this is where sometimes you might go, well, what what’s the difference between strength? What’s the difference between a value? And I I don’t think that matters to be able to tell the difference. Many folks, we’ve been getting such amazing feedback from the 15 day challenge where people are getting clear on the kind of life they want to design. Why I think anyone who’s doing the challenge or, is considering doing the challenge might consider reflecting on some of the stuff we’re talking about now. Consider this like the prep work. You’re doing, like, the homework to get ready for the real deal, because when you look to your strengths that have emerged, some of those will be values that you now hold very, very dear and will make that work a little bit easier. Yeah. I would say for me, like, when we talk about signature strengths that oftentimes for, it comes out of the hardships that you faced and flipping the script a little bit.

Eric Deschamps:
My life choices, my story has been filled with, many times having to reinvent myself. And in the and I’ve I’ve talked about that openly on the show on many occasions, but, many times that meant a severing of the community that I was a part of. I I don’t know how times I’ve had to start from scratch and and and and lose pretty much my entire, not entire, but most of my my community that I’d grown to really love. So loneliness has been, a friend, an ally, a part of my life for a very long time. Even from when I was young, I talked about it on, the show that you and I did on, Being a Real Man with the lone wolf episode. I’m very, familiar with what it means to be a lonely wolf. But, flipping the script, is more and more what has loneliness developed in me. And what has give given me is an incredible resilience, to face life head on, to not feel limited by the crowd, right, a sense of being able to follow my heart

Rob Dale:
Mhmm.

Eric Deschamps:
Without, without holding back. And that’s I I I by its nature by my nature, I’m a collaborator. I wanna do everything in community, but what I’ve come to realize is the strength that that has given me. So oftentimes, again, when we talk about identifying those signature strengths Yeah. We don’t wanna go looking where it hurts because we try to avoid that stuff. But often in that pain, there are tremendous gifts, that the universe has given you and that you have forged in hardship, in whatever you’re facing that could be leveraged even further if they were actually recognized. Right? Wow. Yeah.

Eric Deschamps:
So much more we could say about that. But I I wanna shift gears, to the last one if we might. Okay? I know we’re flying here, guys. But, we we wanna talk about learning to let go. And when we talk about learning to let go here, we’re talking about letting go of the bad scripts or the unhealthy scripts or beliefs that we have adopted over time that have been shaped by our past. And, again, probably the most significant time frame for any of us for those beliefs to be formed was our family of origin, our first formation.

Rob Dale:
Mhmm.

Eric Deschamps:
But then early, early adulthood, especially our early career days or work days, like professional life days, that also has a a very significant impact on how we see ourself and see the world. What’s your journey been like in terms of uncovering, discerning unhealthy scripts, and reshaping them so that you’re more mindful of the beliefs that you’re carrying around with you now.

Rob Dale:
Mhmm. Who wants

Eric Deschamps:
to handle that one first? Yeah. Wow. I think it should be Rob.

Wendy Dodds:
I think so too. I think so too.

Eric Deschamps:
He looks ready.

Rob Dale:
No. It it’s I go back to the word I used at the beginning, empowering. Right? It’s, letting go of those scripts or and and I I appreciate what you said there because I don’t I don’t know if we ever truly let go of them. We rewrite them. Yeah. Right?

Eric Deschamps:
We we, Well, the brain science would say that the neural pathway that that Yeah. Original belief was it will always remain.

Rob Dale:
Well, well, it’s there

Eric Deschamps:
and you You form a new one.

Rob Dale:
You create a new one, but if you allow the old one the the synapse, it can bounce back there. Right? So but as we were the that’s where I go back to why I look at my past, and I and that’s what comes to mind is the empowering of it is because, you know, even when I talk about the the trials and the the things that I went through, in the moment, they didn’t. In fact, one of my bit my super script one of my super scripts is everyone I care about leaves.

Eric Deschamps:
Right.

Rob Dale:
And so

Eric Deschamps:
I shared that one in common, brother.

Rob Dale:
Yeah. Absolutely. And so for me, the rewriting of that is the empowering of it to be able to now look at it and go, no. That’s not true at all. In fact, I can love deeply and have this incredible experience in this case, you know, using Wendy as this example. I can love deeply. I can love purely. I can I can embrace all of that Mhmm? Because I’ve rewritten that script.

Rob Dale:
I can bring I can come into there’s no one that I share openly more my pain or the you know, when I’m in those moments reflecting, Wendy’s great at you know, she knows, oh, it’s, you know, coming up Katie’s birthday. Oh, it’s Katie’s birthday. How you doing? You know, just having conversations. Tell me a bit about her, whatever. Like, so to embrace all of that, the empowering of it is there’s such a beautiful opportunity when you when we are not let go but rewrite those scripts, of the past. Yeah. Yeah.

Kate Beere:
Yeah. Powerful. It’s freeing. Yeah. Like, it’s just that ability to kinda let go and not feel so tied to it. The and not feeling the need to It’s like it’s like stop having to prove in that moment that and just start being, right, and living in that in that moment. It’s freeing. It really is.

Kate Beere:
You get to that place where you’re you just feel lighter somehow.

Eric Deschamps:
Well, you show up differently, don’t you? Like, you

Kate Beere:
You do.

Eric Deschamps:
We talk about how our past continues to influence us. Right? And when we don’t, do the work and and again, folks, we’re not suggesting you’re gonna make sense of everything. No. And, there’s periods of your life or perhaps, for some of us here around the table, I know there’s been some traumatic stuff that we’ve gone through, and and no doubt folks that are watching the show have experienced trauma as well. And trauma is a whole different ball of wax, and, you often need help to it’s often overcoming trauma depending on the severity of it is not something you can do on your own. You typically need help, and often that’s the help of a therapist or a coach who can really help you do that work. But it’s getting really present again to how are those strings still pulling. Yeah.

Eric Deschamps:
Right? Like, still it’s like a puppet on a string’s in the past, and you’re showing up differently now because those things are still impacting you. And I I remember you talk about, like, not having to prove any I was prove proven shit all the time. I was trying to prove to myself that I was a good person. And so was I was it really me showing up? Well, there were moments. Yeah. But a lot of times, it was this this pretend me that was showing up, to try to get that affirmation or recognition that I’m okay. And no matter how hard I tried, I never got enough of that to meet that gaping hole in my heart because that’s a hole I had to fill. Nobody else could fill it for me.

Eric Deschamps:
Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:
Yeah. I watched a a YouTube video. This was years years ago and has all and sometimes I still go back and watch it. And, it was done by Gloria Mayfield Banks. And she’s very big in the network marketing space, but I always admired her, authenticity. And she said everything and everyone in life, whether it be events, people, places, things are either bricks or flowers. Flowers are light and are beautiful and allow you to enjoy the moment. Bricks are heavy and cumbersome, and they weigh you down.

Wendy Dodds:
And she said, don’t carry the bricks. And I always remembered that. Such a great I always remembered that. And, yeah, it’s, you know, is it a brick or is it a flower? And how do I want to what do I wanna carry? Right. And how do I wanna carry it?

Rob Dale:
Right. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Eric Deschamps:
So good. So good. What advice I mean, we’ve all I know we’ve talked about this on other shows about the stories we tell ourselves and, scripts that hold us back and that can ruin our lives and run our lives. Quickly here, maybe one bit of advice from from each of you. What are simple steps a person might take to begin to get present to those irrational beliefs that we have that we have about ourselves and how to begin to build healthier ones.

Kate Beere:
Yeah. Pen and paper. I say this all the time, but write write it down. Write down your limiting beliefs, and I’m a big believer in affirmations. I talk about it all the time on the show. Yeah. Write it down. Write the negative belief, that limiting belief down, and create a positive statement Yeah.

Kate Beere:
Around it. I would say, and I get to, but write in I am. Right? Whatever works for you and switch the language

Rob Dale:
Yeah.

Kate Beere:
And start saying the positive version that counteracts your limiting belief. Like, I am enough. Yeah. I am worthy. Just some of the basics. When you start using that language and affirming the opposite of this belief, it can hold a ton of power for change.

Eric Deschamps:
Literally rewire the brain.

Kate Beere:
Literally rewire the brain.

Wendy Dodds:
Well, and I love that because that is like, your mind listens to everything you tell it. Yeah. And some people will listen to this and think, well, but that’s you know, that that almost seems too easy or too good to be true. Well, it’s easy to do, but it’s easier not to do, and that’s why a lot of people choose not to do it. And I and I agree with you so much, Kate, around, rewiring the brain, and that all come that all ties into awareness. Because what you focus on, you find. What you what you focus on, you become.

Rob Dale:
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I’m gonna steal something a little bit of what you said, near the beginning of the show. And I I I was just singing over there. Stop believing that the pen is in anyone else’s hand but yours.

Eric Deschamps:
Right. Right.

Rob Dale:
Right? The pen is in your hand. Yeah. You are the one that gets to write this. Yeah. No one else does it for you. Mhmm. No one else has this the control. Nobody else has the power to write the script for you unless you give it to them.

Rob Dale:
100%. And so you have the pen in your hand, and you can write whatever script you wanna write, so write it. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Eric Deschamps:
That’s so good, guys. And, I’m looking forward to future conversations. We’ve the next part of Quadrant we’ll explore in a future show is, getting radically present and living in the moment and in the now, and what are the things that help you do that, and what are the things that hold you back. But as we wrap up lightning round here, what’s one final word of advice, for any of our listeners that are saying, you know, it’s time for me to reclaim my story. It’s time for me to reset my relationship to my past. What what’s a word of advice you would leave our listeners with today?

Kate Beere:
Just take action. Start.

Rob Dale:
Yeah.

Kate Beere:
Period. It’s all I’m serious. Yeah. Just like start. Yeah. Yeah. Start. I’m gonna say it again.

Rob Dale:
Start. You know what? But I

Kate Beere:
but I’m serious. I really am.

Rob Dale:
I love that. I love that. You’re absolutely right. Like, we, you know, there’s so much advice that we can give. Yeah. But I think all of us could agree, it’s just fucking do it. Just start. Do it.

Rob Dale:
Yeah. And and, Yeah. Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:
Yes. Stop getting ready to get ready. No.

Kate Beere:
Exactly. Yeah. All the

Wendy Dodds:
time. Right?

Rob Dale:
Yeah. Yeah.

Kate Beere:
We we we get

Wendy Dodds:
started to mean to talk

Rob Dale:
to mom.

Eric Deschamps:
You’re so good. I love how passionate you just got there, brother. That’s awesome.

Rob Dale:
Well, I don’t because your

Kate Beere:
I love

Rob Dale:
I love her pack. I I just like, you got me all passionate. It’s just like, just do it. Just do it.

Wendy Dodds:
Well, And by doing sorry. By doing it, that allows you to put deposits. So just like your money Yeah. Compounds over time, the same thing is wired to your brain. Put, deposits in your confidence bank every day, and the only way to do that is by by doing something. Doing something different. I just said to my daughter the other week, nothing changes if nothing changes. If you’re doing the same thing over and over and you’re not getting results or you’re still feeling like a hamster spinning in a wheel, what are you not doing? Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:
What are you what are you going to do different that’s going to allow you to start something different?

Eric Deschamps:
Yeah. Yeah. I would say, yes to all of that. Just start. And starting means choose mindfully what influences, what lessons, what strengths, what beliefs you live with now. Sever the ties. Start severing the ties with the shit that holds you back and cement the truth to set you free. Guys, what a great conversation.

Wendy Dodds:
Great conversation. Love that.

Rob Dale:
Folks,

Eric Deschamps:
we’re so glad you’ve joined us for today’s show. We really hope that you benefited from it, and, there’s more to come on this subject. The quadrant model is something that’s continuing to unfold as part of the living richly nation, and so we invite you to be part of it. As always, we encourage you to like, share, and subscribe to the show. Make sure you get the word out. We appreciate every shout out that we get. It helps us spread the news and get this message out to more people. And we’re excited to just continue to watch explosive growth, on our YouTube channel, and in our exclusive Facebook group called the Living Richly Nation.

Eric Deschamps:
You can find out about all those things on our website at livingrichly.me, including how to sign up for our new free online experience called the 15 day life vision challenge, which is really quadrant number 2, which we talked about in episode 76. So you can go back just a couple shows and and, see that. It’s, been getting rave reviews. People are calling it life changing, truly, inspirational, a real game changer. So we encourage you to sign up for that and experience it for yourself. Until next week, keep living your best life.

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