Real Women, Real Talk – The Evolution of Romance

Real Women, Real Talk: The Evolution of Romance

Wendy Dodds:
And I still remember on the day of my wedding, having this huge meltdown as I was like, is this it? Like, is this I guess this is how people feel on their way? Like, I don’t

Kate Beere:
I don’t know. I absolutely have to have a strong foundation in a relationship that’s based on a safe space where I can emotionally show up and be vulnerable.

Wendy Dodds:
I need to be grown up enough and mature enough to communicate what my needs are and how I’m feeling.

Kate Beere:
I think often what men don’t understand is the emotional energy it takes for women Yes. To be physically intimate.

Wendy Dodds:
Welcome to the Living Richly podcast. We are super grateful that you chose our podcast to tune in to today, and Kate and I are really excited because we’ve got another, episode that we’re diving into as part of our Real Women, Real Talk series. And this one is all about our perspective, because that’s really what matters is our perspective

Kate Beere:
on the world on the world

Wendy Dodds:
on the evolution of romantic relationships and kinda how we’ve kinda gone through those, phases as we’ve, I was gonna say aged.

Kate Beere:
No. Gotten older. Can we just not talk about aging today? One day. Let’s not. Let’s not.

Wendy Dodds:
So we might as well just jump right into it. And we both shared our stories on historical episodes, in regards to our journey and our path. But if we take a look back at our, first marriages, because we’ve both been married and divorced, Let’s talk about what the main qualities or characteristics we thought we were looking for way back, when, compared to what we’re looking for, what we have now in a partner.

Kate Beere:
Yeah. So different. So different. Yeah. Well well, when I was thinking about this this episode, I was like, wow. It’s just like it’s it’s such a journey. Like, I met my ex I was 23 years old. Like, I didn’t know who I was.

Kate Beere:
I had no idea, you know, let alone, like, what I was looking for in a in a husband or a partner. I didn’t know who I was. All I was looking for was someone who wanted to get married and have kids and buy a house and do all the stuff I thought I was supposed to do. So in thinking about this, I’m like, I had no real criteria for my partner, which is crazy. Right? If you really think about that Yeah. I’m, like, I’m just looking for someone who’s kind, who kinda wants a similar Yes. Life as me, similar values, I will say, in some big ones, like kindness and and some of those were there, but I had no idea who I was. So how can I possibly attract what I’m looking for when I don’t even know what that looks like?

Wendy Dodds:
We think we know, though. Right? Like

Kate Beere:
Oh, 23. I knew everything.

Wendy Dodds:
My daughter will be 20 in a couple of days, and she knows, I mean Right?

Kate Beere:
Every Everything. And that’s, you know, and that’s the beauty of being in your twenties, I think, too. But it’s definitely not you know, now I have and we’re gonna get into all of that, but there’s definitely things that I would look for now that I Totally. Weren’t even on my radar in twenties.

Wendy Dodds:
And and as our values become deeper, that shifts. Right? And like you said, we’ll talk about that in a little bit. But similar to you, so I met my ex husband when I was 19. Oh. Yeah. And, we were married at 23 and married for 20 years. And similar as you, I think I was, as we all are, you know, focused on kind of finding someone that we think, like, oh, okay. Like, I I guess this is good.

Wendy Dodds:
Like, it’s good. Like, it it checks all the boxes, finish school, get married, have kids, buy the house, do the things. And I still remember on the day of my wedding, having this huge meltdown in the car with my dad because I was like, is this it? Like, is this I guess this is how people feel on their way. Like, I don’t I don’t know because I was so young. And not that it’s bad when you’re young. It’s just very different as you evolve into your forties, and you start to really understand that deeper compatibility and emotional connection and and how shared values. And for that, that piece particularly has become huge for me, those shared values and that, compatibility as we continue down the journey of life.

Kate Beere:
Yeah. I think you nailed it. It’s like in our twenties. I don’t think we know what, you know, what you you don’t know what a relationship necessarily supposed to be. Maybe you’ve seen your parents, but you don’t know the ins and outs of it. You see what media serves up, which is this picture perfect world of people living in the birth. Like, there’s just a there was a model back then of what you thought or what we thought a successful marriage looked like. The the examples we have were not what we see more of today, which I’m grateful for, but it’s it’s real hard conversations.

Kate Beere:
Right? And it’s work and what it takes for 2 people to really come together. You know, to be together for 50 years is is massive. Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:
Yeah. Yeah. It is. Like, I look at my parents at and they just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. Wow. They just came back from Hawaii. But I remember, my mom, like, talking to my mom, and she was saying, like, it is hard work. Like, you know, a lot of people will look at and and even with Rob and I now, you know, people will say, like, you guys just seem to be so in alignment.

Wendy Dodds:
And so and, yes, part of that is, you know, we came together because we have such shared values, but it’s still a lot of work to be able to put that energy into right? You you’re gonna get what you put in Yep. Both from yourself as a person, but then together as a couple.

Kate Beere:
Yeah. But yeah. So so what are some of those shared, like, now? What would you say? You talked a little bit about shared values. What would you say are some of the the bigger pieces that, you know Yeah. That were different? We talked about what we kinda didn’t know in her twenties, which is fair. You know, I’m just wondering if, like, what are some of the things we’ve you know, as you’ve gone through the journey, what are some of those big pieces? Like, for me, I can tell you, like, communication. Effective communication and how we communicate with, like, with Eric and I was it’s so important. Yeah.

Kate Beere:
And I think for me, like, that’s the core is, like, probably the number one thing that being able to honestly, openly, effectively communicate is, like, the crust of so much of having, a relationship that I think can sustain over time.

Wendy Dodds:
I love that you so I was just wait because I was gonna jump in, but then you ex said exactly what I was going to say was there’s communication, and then there’s deep communication. Because a lot of people will say and, like, if I look back at my first mirror, like, yeah. I communicated, but did I really communicate?

Kate Beere:
Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:
No. So can like, we’re communicating now. Yeah. But communicating on that, you know, level with your partner where you are having those open and honest discussions and feeling like you don’t need to hold back and feeling like you can be authentically you and not worried about the repercussions of, if I say this, what are they gonna how are they gonna feel? What are they gonna say? So maybe I just won’t say anything at all. And so you nailed it right on. It’s it’s getting to that point. And I think a lot of that comes with life experience.

Kate Beere:
I agree.

Wendy Dodds:
You know? Yeah. When we’re younger, we have such limited life experience, and that’s not knocking people who are young, but we place emphasis on much different factors. Whereas now, you know, values for me around that mutual trust.

Kate Beere:
Totally.

Wendy Dodds:
Mutual respect, that emotional compatibility Yeah. Where I feel like I don’t need to explain why I feel the way I feel. It’s just accepted Yep. And supported. Yep. Yeah. And I think that that’s super important for me.

Kate Beere:
Because you know who you are, and so I think that’s the difference too as you get older and as you start to grow and as you start to evolve as a person. Yeah. What happens in a lot of marriages, you know, the divorce rate is through the roof, and there’s a lot of people who are together who are not happy either. But, you know, as you evolve in your twenties to who, like, I am almost in my fifties, I’m a completely different person Yeah. In some ways. In some ways, I’m still 20.

Wendy Dodds:
Yeah. Of course, you are.

Kate Beere:
I feel 20. You’re I do with the wisdom of an almost 50 year old. But that that evolution for me internally is, like, completely because of that growth shifts. Right? So if you’re in that relationship and you’re both growing separately, that can be really, really difficult for a lot of people who are in that marriage, and you’re feeling not connected because you you’ve just grown.

Wendy Dodds:
It’s very difficult. And that was the when people when I went through my separation and then my divorce, that was the big thing that people asked was, like, why? Like, what happened? And it was exactly that. It was 2 different journeys. Talking a little bit about safety and security in relationships because I think this is such a huge topic. And coming from a female perspective, how would we define feeling safe within a relationship, especially as we age?

Kate Beere:
Yeah. It’s interesting because I think, when I was younger, I think I think I I thought so much about physical safety. Like, it was kind of my mom was really just, like she terrified me to the point where I was so scared all the time probably, saved my life a few times. But because of that, I was so aware of of feeling physically safe, like walking down the street at night with your keys between your like, literally, and I’m not just like, I I get that’s not in the context of a relationship, but I was so aware of my physical safety. That was top of mind for me. Emotional safety in my twenties, I didn’t even I don’t know. I wouldn’t even know what those words meant. Right? No.

Kate Beere:
But now it’s I’ve learned that I absolutely have to have a strong foundation in a relationship that’s based on a safe space where I can emotionally show up and be vulnerable.

Wendy Dodds:
Yep.

Kate Beere:
And it’s really hard and really scary to show up vulnerable

Wendy Dodds:
So hard.

Kate Beere:
Anywhere, especially in that that core relationship with someone you care so deeply about. But you have to create the safety net. You have to create that emotional foundation together. You have to and when I talk about communication, that’s part of it. You have to be able to have those conversations in a safe space. I have to be have to is a strong word. I need to be able to say what I wanna say and know no matter what I say, it’s it’s safe. And what that means is you’re not gonna judge me, you’ll have compassion, and we’ll have a conversation.

Kate Beere:
And so it’s having that knowing no matter what, you’ve got my back, and it’s it’s safe, and you’re not telling other people, and it’s open, and it’s honest. And for me, that creates the vulnerability, which creates the connection. Yep. Oh, I

Wendy Dodds:
you summed that up perfectly. Yeah. And just having that trust and that vulnerability is so huge. So when I cry, when I when I feel like I’m just completely emotionally capped and I cry, for me, that’s such a big thing Yeah. As a strong, independent woman because I feel like I don’t want so there’s 2 parts of this. I have been in the past for many, many years where I don’t want people to see Yep. That side of me of crumbling. On the flip side, over the last probably 3 or 4 years, I’ve embraced that so much where I’ve been very open even in front of my kids, around So good.

Wendy Dodds:
Crying and explaining and being vulnerable about why why I’m upset. And then you spoke about, you know, that trust and showing up and being able to have that compassion from your partner and that empathy and then having a conversation around it. I’ll also throw in there because this has been huge for me in the past, not feeling like you’re going to receive a passive aggressive response back for the next couple of days or or a week or a couple of weeks where you’re getting the silent treatment or or and then you start to feel stupid and ashamed, which is an awful feeling as a woman. It’s an awful feeling for anybody, I’m sure. But as a woman, that feeling of being ashamed and, like, I should have said this or I should not have said this, is huge. And and I think for me, like, it ties exactly what what you said, just feeling safe, being able to express myself without that fear of judgment. And it’s taken me a lot of inner work just to get to that point where my partner, Rob, respects my boundaries, but also supports me through those challenges and has allowed me and allowed us to build that emotional security

Kate Beere:
I love that. I love that you talked about crying because I think it’s so important. So I almost cried just saying. Well, as as a ditto strong woman who never cries, and so sorry. I cry all the time. I just do it in private, and that’s I was raised to not sort of I’m sure my mom doesn’t feel that way, but, like, any you kinda weren’t allowed to have an emotion as a kid in a weird way or wasn’t valued or it was dismissed or so I learned at a young age to just deal with my shit privately, and so I would cry in my room. And so that for me has been my pattern where I cry alone. I’m not leaning on anybody.

Kate Beere:
I don’t need anybody. I can do it fiercely all by myself. It’s fine and fine. Right?

Wendy Dodds:
It’s fine.

Kate Beere:
And then recently, I in my meditations, I’ve been I’ve been crying, like huge release, and I don’t get that when I meditate. I’ve had it with Reiki, but not when I meditate. And I So I talked to Sherry. Thank you, Doctor. Sherry. And I’m like, yeah, I just like, what’s going on? Because I’m so uncomfortable. What

Wendy Dodds:
a release.

Kate Beere:
And she’s like because Sherry’s so phenomenal. She’s like, that’s amazing. And I’m like she’s like, you’re letting go of stuff you’ve probably carried forever.

Wendy Dodds:
I have to

Kate Beere:
Right? And so I’m like I’m like, oh, it’s it’s good. Right? And she’s like, yeah. It’s good. You’re letting go of you’re making room for some good stuff. Right? You’re letting go of of and she like, she asked me, like, what’s happening in your brain? I’m like, nothing really. She’s like, it’s fantastic. It’s energy moving through you. It’s things you just need to release into the world.

Kate Beere:
I’m like, okay. She’s like, cry all the time. And I’m like, okay. I’m not there. Yeah. But it is a release, and that’s so important to get it out

Wendy Dodds:
of your system. What an amazing because I’m happy for you just hearing that. What an amazing feeling to get to that point in life where you feel like you’re embracing that I wanna say bad energy. It’s not bad at but just the just the stuff that’s not serving you, and just letting it go.

Kate Beere:
Well, and to and to release a meditation is it’s wild because it’s not for me, it’s not a I’m not like a hysteric cry. It’s just it’s it’s a weep. It’s very different. It’s a very different release than traditional, like, I’m sad I’m gonna cry. It’s it’s like you weep. It’s very different. I love that. Yeah.

Kate Beere:
I love that. Oh, the journey of life.

Wendy Dodds:
The journey of life and embracing, like, where you are. So amazing. Yeah. I love the talk about safety and security because I think for women, it’s such a and and we spoke a little bit about the, you know, kinda how that’s changed a little bit as as we’ve gone through life. And I think that allows us to then, in turn, be able to show up Yeah. More present, in life, in relationships Yeah. And be able to give ourselves completely to, to our partners. When we when we talk a little bit about because we’re both moms.

Wendy Dodds:
Well, maybe let’s jump into the the parenting and romance aspect of things. Right. Right? And we’re kind of at different stages, which is interesting. So I

Kate Beere:
thought that

Wendy Dodds:
we’re gonna have some different perspectives on this, but, and same with our listeners here. Right? There’s people from all kind of walks of life with, you know, where they are. But if we talk about our experiences with motherhood, and or being a working mom and how Yeah. That has impacted relationships and our current relationships. Yeah. And continue to.

Kate Beere:
Well, in every way. Right? So if I think having a young family like, I had 3 kids in under 4 years. So you’re in survival mode when you have young kids. Like, you I don’t care if you have 1 or 3. Like, you’re just in survival mode. And it is, like, no one really prepares you for that and what it does to your marriage. People talk about it. People joke about it, but we don’t really talk about it.

Wendy Dodds:
Right.

Kate Beere:
And it’s it can be devastating. It’s you know, a lot of marriages end after having young kids, and it’s just because you end up your kid that priority of the unit of you as a couple is now been shifted. And I think for a lot of women, and I’ll speak for myself, my focus went to my kids. And and and I’m aware of the role I played in not connecting with my ex and not putting in that effort and focusing on the kids. I think that’s not the danger, but what happens so often is that couples stop connecting, don’t know how to connect anymore, right, when you have young kids. What does that look like? Okay. Date night. God.

Kate Beere:
Date night. I just, like, can we I wanna go in the bath and not have a nursing kid on me and, like, not be covered in shit and spit up. Like, that’s what I really need right now to recharge. And so

Wendy Dodds:
wanna go to bed.

Kate Beere:
And you’re tired. Yeah. And so the thought of, like, oh, let me go make myself look, like, all pretty and stunning and hang out with you, and let’s have a really deep meeting. I I’m I’m spent. I don’t have the emotional room right now to connect with you. So I think, like, kids for me early on, that’s, like, definitely took over my marriage for sure.

Wendy Dodds:
Yeah. And I think that’s such a common thing for us to do, especially as women. Yeah. You know, we are nurturing. We are providers. We are, so it’s, you know, same thing with me. Recognizing that motherhood brings a whole new set of and responsibilities into life. Now my kids were born almost 4 years apart.

Wendy Dodds:
It’s about 3 and a half years apart. But still, I was, you know, at the I don’t wanna say the height of my career, but I was very much invested in my work. And I also understand the role that I played in that, but I also recognize that I would use work and my kids as an escape from not wanting to deal or talk about things that needed to be talked about. Sure. Yeah. Absolutely. I became very much a chaser of those things. I believe so.

Wendy Dodds:
Yeah. Knowing when we’re on mother you know, in motherhood, whether it’s when the kids are young or then they start, you know, getting older and then then you’re shuttling them around everywhere. You’re basically on autopilot as you try to juggle a career.

Kate Beere:
Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:
And then if you’re a single mom on top of it, you know, you’re you’re you’re running that solo. Now, our our kids range in 8 I can’t remember how old your youngest is. 13. Okay. So from 13

Kate Beere:
I can’t remember either. This is motherhood.

Wendy Dodds:
So from 13, and then Rob and I have 4 daughters between us, and the oldest is 30. Just different phases of life and just different evolutions. And while our love while our love for our children is always unconditional Yeah. It does, like you said, become very, forefront that partner connection can very much fade. So Yeah. Being able to work on prioritizing yourself, in the busyness of life and all of the stages. So important to stay connected as a couple, but it’s fucking hard work. And it’s all about, you know, people say, oh, I know you’re gonna make time, but how do I make time? You know, everybody has the same

Kate Beere:
24

Wendy Dodds:
hours in a day. Yep. And it really is about prioritizing what matters.

Kate Beere:
Yeah. And I think you need to figure out what that looks like for you as a couple. You need to have that conversation, and it might mean different things. Yeah. And it’s about supporting each other. And it might mean, you know, and I’m gonna be very stereotypical here, but, like, let’s say your husband wants to go play golf and you’re like, okay. So we know that’s like a all day activity. Call it 4 hours all you want.

Kate Beere:
It is you’re like, you’re you’re gone for 8. We know that. See you

Wendy Dodds:
on Sunday. Like Nice try.

Kate Beere:
Right. But if that’s a priority for you, great. Let’s figure out how we make that a priority for you. Where are my 8 hours that I’m gonna get to do what I wanna do? And then where do we connect as a couple in there as What does that look like? But it is talking. It’s it’s and it’s asking for what you want as well, and I I think that’s not always so black and white. Right? Especially for women.

Wendy Dodds:
Especially for women. Yeah. We tend to say and talk about the things that people want to hear, or we shy away from having those conversations because we don’t want to upset, hurt feelings. Yeah. It’s just easier to say, oh, it’s fine. Every everything’s fine. I’ll just, you know, kinda sweep it under the rug.

Kate Beere:
Well and I think there’s phases. Like, I will say for me, like, I was single for 7 years, which is a long time. So it’s a long time to get to know who you are. It’s a long time, where I put all my energy into my kids. My priority was my kids for that time frame, and that’s really where I that was a choice. That was a conscious choice. I dated, but not anything serious, and I didn’t I didn’t have capacity. I had no room.

Kate Beere:
I was navigating how to single parent. My daughter was 4, so that’s a 4 or 5 and a 7 year old. Like, there’s no room there. Well, I chose that for me, that was what I wanted to focus on. And I think by doing that and giving myself permission to be their mom and and date in a way that fit into my life Yeah. Was a beautiful gift because I got to know who I was and what I you know, as they get older, they, you know, can make their own lunch and they can, you know, as they get older, they, you know, can make their own lunch and they can you know, it’s just a different experience. They don’t need you the same way, and I had more room. I just knew when they were little, I wasn’t gonna have space emotionally to be able to show up in a relationship in a way that someone else deserved me to show up.

Kate Beere:
I didn’t have the room. I think that is also, you know, an important part to talk about is is when you’re in that relationship, it has to feel that there’s 2 people showing up. 100%. Yeah. And it’s not one person does more than the other. It’s and I think we’ve talked

Wendy Dodds:
about this before, but, in prior episodes, but if I’m having a day, like, yesterday was a day for me Yeah. And I think I could probably only had 20% of my capacity.

Kate Beere:
Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:
Rob was my 80%, where he was able to make dinner. He was able to run me a bath. He was able to just let me sit and be and just, you know and so together, recognizing what percentage each other has to bring doesn’t always have to be, 5050. No. And to your point, when when children well, like, when my children were younger, of course, like, every, you know, every child needs that attention and care. But as they’ve grown older and more independent, sort of.

Kate Beere:
They never they never really

Wendy Dodds:
leave. Sort of. My my iPad is on do not disturb, and as I just said that, a text just pop up from my daughter. Hi, mom. Where are you?

Kate Beere:
So we You’re gonna get 8 more. Mom. Mom. Where are you? Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. They never do that.

Wendy Dodds:
We know you moms listening right now experience the same thing, but it’s about I’ve really learned to prioritize and invest time and energy into myself, Where I’ve become very good at telling my kids Yeah. Or actually anybody in my life, this is my time right now. I need this time for me. However, let’s do this at this time. And I’ve been able to communicate that more. Yeah. Finding a partner who shares the same values as I do has been huge. It was very different with my ex.

Wendy Dodds:
And no fault to either one of us, but we were literally like ships passing through the night. And that’s where our journeys just started to take 2 completely different, paths and roads. Yeah. But, you know, as we kind of talk about relationships in, in midlife and, and when children have grown up or are growing up, how have our priorities in romantic relationships shifted Yeah. Or are starting to shift?

Kate Beere:
Yeah. It’s a great question because I think, you know, as I talked about for 7 years being single, I got clear on what I wanted and what I didn’t want. But what I didn’t know is, like, when Eric and I met, so almost 2 years ago, I didn’t know I kinda knew what I wanted in a partner, but I had no idea, no freaking road map on what Yeah. That looks like. And what I did know is I needed to move really slowly when it came to any man entering my kid’s life. Like, that was a slow burn. I was crystal clear with Eric. He was super respectful.

Kate Beere:
He understood my boundary. He’s like, we go at your pace here. This is like, I respect it because Eric has 3 kids, but 2 of his are, you know, off and not living at home. One’s married, one’s getting married, and and his oldest lives at home, but is in university. Like, it’s just very different dynamics. I have younger kids, and so that was a very clear boundary for me on on him coming in. And so that meant how do we navigate seeing each other? Because we you know, I’m week off with my kids still, so I I have my kids for a week. And when I have them, I wasn’t seeing him.

Kate Beere:
And then it’s like, okay. That’s it’s weird. And then when I’m not, and we were on the same weeks with with his son, and so we’d be all in in a week and then not in for a week. I wouldn’t see him, and we’re, like, this is really hard to stay connected, and you can call all you want, but it was I I didn’t know how to make it work, and so we would openly talk about it. And 2 years later, we’re still figuring it out as we go. But now we’ve made some agreements, and we’re we’re trying to get more on a schedule, so it’s more consistent for his son. It’s more consistent for my kids. It it was a very slow, slow burn as I say.

Kate Beere:
Yep. But what we’re our intent is we we make time for connection. Mhmm. So that is very important. One thing that’s big is, like, knowing we’re gonna see each other for dinner for sure. He’s staying over more when I have my kids. We don’t go more than 2 days without seeing each other if we can. Like, that is, you know, now a top priority for us.

Kate Beere:
We’ll FaceTime more. We just we had to have those conversations around, okay. I’m not feeling connected. And then when we’re apart, like, I’ve, you know, your your stories go, your scripts go, you’re not seeing each other. Yep. You don’t have your emotional partner. You don’t have that connection, so trying to navigate that whole part was really hard. But our commitment was to talk about it and to stay connected.

Wendy Dodds:
Well, and I love that you said a couple of times to actually talk about it because I think for many people, especially in a society where if things aren’t perfect or fixed right away, people are just like, yeah. This is not for me. I’m out. Yeah. And the fact that Yeah. You know, both of you and it’s just been so wonderful watching your relationship, you know, blossom through that and just the patience

Kate Beere:
Mhmm.

Wendy Dodds:
And the, the patience, the understanding, the flexibility Yeah. You know, that the 2 of you share for each other, and the, ability to meet each other where you’re at

Kate Beere:
Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:
Without Yeah. Making it feel like it has to be, you know, per like, you’re adapting, and you’re adjusting, and and I just I love that. I think that that’s just such a key for people to understand that it’s not always perfect, and it’s not always gonna be, yes. We’re gonna do this

Kate Beere:
on Monday, Wednesday, and whatever. Right? Life happens, and kids have to have friends. Across the bathroom.

Wendy Dodds:
Like, stuff happens. Right? Or kids text you when you’re in the middle of podcasting. Or they call you

Kate Beere:
and you have to pause.

Wendy Dodds:
Right. Now, for us, and because we have a blended family, sometimes our kids are with us and sometimes they’re not. And sometimes life is really busy, and other times, it’s just us. So when it is just us, there’s more time and space to focus on each other as a couple. Yep. While we’ve shifted out of the intense hands on parenting phase with our kids, it’s interesting, as they start to find their own identities. It’s interesting how we’re we show up differently, for kids, whether it be school, whether it just be life in general, whether all of the things. Right? And so it’s been interesting for us, and I don’t wanna say co parenting.

Wendy Dodds:
I guess you could call it that because Rob’s kids are a little bit older. It’s been wonderful for me to build a relationship with them and kind of have that opportunity to see them and, and almost see myself in that, reflection of being in my twenties and Rob Zoldest daughter is 30, and just remembering myself in that phase and being able to maybe share some of my own wisdom or not wisdom. Yeah. Which has been great for my girls who are younger to see that as well. But all that to say, you know, sometimes people will look at us and think, so much easier for you guys because, you know, your kids are growing up, but it’s not. It’s a completely different set of responsibilities, and Yeah. We still have to work just as hard as as couples who have younger kids. It’s just in a different way.

Wendy Dodds:
But that’s where that communication, the shared interests, the mutual respect have become even more important for us.

Kate Beere:
Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:
And also not something that we’ve had before in previous relationships. Yeah. So being able to nurture that and even more importantly, working really hard to protect it. And that might mean putting the phones off to the side, leaving them in another room, turning them off, saying no to things that, yeah, this needs to be done. Does it really need to be done, or can that be done another time? Or or, like, what can we do for ourselves to protect and nurture what we have? And it’s a conscious effort that you have to make. It’s a conscious effort.

Kate Beere:
I love that you said that because it is a conscious effort. Eric and I just went, up to the cottage, and it was we the Internet’s not connected. We could’ve connected it, and we said no. And we didn’t, and we had an entire weekend offline. And it’s, like, no one can call you. No one can connect if there’s an emergency. We have ways around that. But, like, we’re literally off the grid.

Kate Beere:
And we after that weekend, we agreed again to bring back our conversation around technology and how technology has a way of creeping back in. It’s it’s a habit. And so, you know, while we’re at dinner, we’re generally very good. I’m checking with my kids. We’re not on our phones, but, you know, it was Simon Sinek Sinek. Call him whatever you want, but he does this he’s on stage and he’s doing a presentation, and he’s he’s talking about the phone, and he’s like he’s like, okay. How does it feel? I’m in front of you and presenting, and I’m doing this. And it’s like, it feels horrible.

Kate Beere:
And then he’s like, okay. Right? What if I just put it down on my lap? Do you still feel like you have my full attention? And they’re like, no. Right? The phone shouldn’t be there unless you need it and which just become a habit. So I think, like, having those conversations around when and how technology Yep. Is around and how you use it is a is a great way too to kinda have that conscious. Right? Like you said, you’re that’s a conscious commitment to connect with your partner.

Wendy Dodds:
Yep. I love it. One of the things that Rob and I do, even though, like, our we use our phones for our alarms when we put our phones, on our bedsides every evening. We do a little bit of reading, but then a big connection piece for us is to, literally talk about our days. Yeah. So we roll over and we face each other and we talk about, like, what

Kate Beere:
was the best part of your day?

Wendy Dodds:
How was your day? Yeah. Because even though we’re doing our own things and stuff, sometimes we don’t always have the opportunity to really talk about how was your day. And I just think even just that simplest question on, like, what was the best part of your day? Yeah. And we do that in the morning as well. When the alarm goes off, like, we don’t check our phones right away. It’s So good. You know, let’s talk about your day. And it doesn’t have to be, like, this 15 minute, like, big thing, but it’s just a couple of minutes that allows me to feel grounded, loved Connected.

Wendy Dodds:
Connected. Supported. Exactly. And then It’s the whole Yep. You know, check the calendars and all of that kind of stuff.

Kate Beere:
Eric and I call it debriefs at end of day. It’s from an Alanis Morissette song. So I’m always like, I need my debrief at end of day. Oh my god. I love Alanis Morissette. Okay. Let’s talk a little bit about intimacy. I think you have to when you’re talking about relationships.

Kate Beere:
So, you know, how do you think it’s different for men and women? It just is. So, you know, let’s talk a little bit about what those differences are because I think it’s it’s well, it’s obvious is I think there’s some obvious things, but I think there’s some not so obvious things as well.

Wendy Dodds:
You know, I I agree. I think Yeah. So we’re wired differently Yeah. As men and women, but we also have similarities. I think men can sometimes and often do, especially when they’re younger, associate, intimacy with physical closeness and connection. Whereas women, especially as we get older

Kate Beere:
Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:
And I think I can probably speak or we can probably speak for every woman on the planet. We prioritize emotional intimacy. Yes. Part of that emotional in intimacy, we talked a little bit about that earlier, was that safety and that communication piece. We crave, and I’ll speak for myself. I crave

Kate Beere:
Yep.

Wendy Dodds:
So much emotional connection, like, to the point where I start to get emotional just thinking about it because I’ve never had that before. Yeah. Now that’s not to put blame on anybody. I haven’t been open to it before, and I haven’t worked enough on me to allow that to happen. You know? Yes. It’s about understanding and communicating and find a balance for each other’s needs. Yeah. But being able to really crave those acts.

Wendy Dodds:
And when I talk about intimacy, it’s sometimes I just need you to hold my hand. Mhmm. Sometimes I just need you to listen. Yeah. Sometimes I just need you to do the smallest things, which for me, I see that as being intimate. Yeah. I see that as helping me build that emotional connection that I love and I crave so much. It’s funny because it’s not really funny, but when Rob and I started dating, I went in for a hysterectomy.

Wendy Dodds:
Mhmm. And so and he was my caretaker. Yeah. So, like, talk about intimacy. Yeah. Could you please, help me change my,

Kate Beere:
temper? Okay. Right right from the get go. Right from the get go.

Wendy Dodds:
And we laugh about it. Yeah. But we had already worked hard at building that safety and that emotional connection piece where there was no shame or shyness or vulnerability. I’m like

Kate Beere:
yeah. There can’t be any. So can you help me with that? With my diaper? Help me with my diaper.

Wendy Dodds:
But, yeah, that that emotional secure like, I I just I can’t stress that enough. It’s so important for women.

Kate Beere:
It’s so important for women, and and men are more visual and more physical when it comes to intimacy, and they crave the physical intimacy. I think often what men don’t understand is the emotional energy it takes for women Yes. To be physically intimate. And I think that is not because they’re not wired like that. They don’t they don’t they don’t understand that for us to be physically intimate, we have to feel emotionally very connected. And it can be exhausting to try and force that headspace, right, to because for us, it’s not it’s not a it’s not I see something and off we go. It’s it’s I need that connection. Well, off we go.

Wendy Dodds:
Here we go. Are you ready?

Kate Beere:
That’s pretty much it. Nope. But But, yeah, so true.

Wendy Dodds:
Like, I love, love, love

Kate Beere:
Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:
That you brought that up because that’s that’s how our brains are wired. It’s not a you know? I was gonna say quick and dirty.

Kate Beere:
That’s not

Wendy Dodds:
that’s not what I meant.

Kate Beere:
This episode’s going downhill fast.

Wendy Dodds:
But that’s how that’s how we’re wired, and that’s what we need. Yes.

Kate Beere:
Yeah. But I think too it’s important that you you have to you I mean, you talked about this, but you have to ask for what you want too and what you need. So if you need to be able to tell your partner, I this takes a lot of emotional energy for me. I need you to understand what that means. And you need you need to spell that out, and you need to say, here’s what I need. I understand that this is important for you, and I equally important for me, but here’s what I need for that. Yeah. And they can be like, okay.

Kate Beere:
Here’s what I need. Great. Understand what your partner needs, and then also be open to asking for what you need.

Wendy Dodds:
Yes. Which I was definitely not capable of in my twenties and thirties.

Kate Beere:
Maybe I didn’t even know. I didn’t know what you mean.

Wendy Dodds:
No. No. Even now, sometimes I will still catch myself, and this this doesn’t have anything to do with intimacy. It could well, it might, and it could have, you know, could could be, for anything. But recognizing that Rob is not a mind reader. No. And so, like, if I’m, you know, irritated or emotionally disconnected or Yeah. Whatever emotion I’m feeling, he’s not a mind reader.

Wendy Dodds:
No. I need to Yeah. Be grown up enough and mature enough to communicate what my needs are and how I’m feeling and not which I haven’t done a great job of in the past.

Kate Beere:
I I didn’t know how. I didn’t have the tools. I mean, I think now just having moved through therapy and life and just sometimes it’s just it’s experience sometimes too. Yeah. I think for me, that’s like, now I have words. Like, I don’t think I can even put words before, and now I can’t.

Wendy Dodds:
And sometimes I’ll even say that to myself, and it sounds so silly, but I’ve talked to Sherry about this before in terms of being able to, since we’ve mentioned Sherry. Therapy is a wonderful thing.

Kate Beere:
We love therapy. On the show.

Wendy Dodds:
We love therapy on the show. I was just speaking to somebody about this yesterday on how much therapy has changed me and being and and taken off the, I don’t need to be strong all the time. And I can let my barriers down. I don’t even know where I was going with this, but anyways, yay for therapy.

Kate Beere:
Yay. I totally lost. I needed it. I totally lost my dream. Okay. As we’re kinda, you know, nearing the end of the show, what are, like, some ways to kind of that we can maybe recommend for people to bring passion back in or just some form of connection back into a relationship?

Wendy Dodds:
Yeah. I you know, I think we’ve we’ve already mentioned this, but I I don’t think it can be stressed enough. It requires a lot of work. I It requires a lot of work. And it really, could be a whole bunch of different things. It really depends on what works for you and your partner. Trying new things together, experiencing a new hobby, a new sport, prioritizing date nights or getaways. There’s so many different tools out there now.

Wendy Dodds:
And while we have a love hate with social media Yep. You know, I I think social media and the Internet does offer some great suggestions on things that you can do to sit down together. Yep. And we talked about it disconnecting. Life you know, it’s funny. I I finished teaching my class yesterday, and I I said to them, kind of joking, kind of not. I’m like, take some time for yourself today. Why clean the house when it’s just gonna be a shithole 24 hours later?

Kate Beere:
Yeah. And, you know What? What?

Wendy Dodds:
You know, kind of mocking, but Yeah. Almost at the same time, like, everything is always gonna be there. The emails are always gonna be there. The work is always gonna be there. Everything’s always gonna be there. It really is up to us to disconnect. Find new groups, new passions, new adventures, but you’re not gonna know that unless you actually talk about it. You know, Rob and I, we love cooking.

Wendy Dodds:
Yeah. And so we really try to make an effort. We we got out of it for a little bit.

Kate Beere:
Yeah.

Wendy Dodds:
And we when we sat down and had, you know, conversation around, like, okay. We’re starting to let kinda life take over. You know, it was, hey. Like, let’s get back to cooking once or twice a week. Right? Things like that. But you have to really, really focus on speaking and don’t overlook. A lot of people think that it has to be complicated. Don’t overlook the simple gestures.

Wendy Dodds:
We leave notes for each other all the time. Yeah. And it’s something so small Yeah. But it just brightens up our days and just makes us feel so connected.

Kate Beere:
I think there’s I think the day to day stuff matters. I think carving out time is so important. And when you’re busy with young kids, like, you’re it’s not a weekend getaway that totally get there, been there. But what is it? When the kids are in bed, can you yeah. You’re tired, but can you carve out a glass of wine or a cup of tea or whatever that looks like for you and sit down and have have those moments of connection? Yeah. Eric and I did, recently, it’s called 1 year of love, and it’s we’re we’re just started it, and it’s it’s really cool. It’s on Amazon. We’ll put in the show notes, but it it’s just essentially, it’s ways to connect.

Kate Beere:
So you do something over 52 weeks. So it’s one thing a week. It doesn’t feel like this astronomical thing, and you could do it over 2 years if you want. But it’s just ideas and ways of connecting. So sometimes it’s a game. Sometimes it’s, you know, one of them is like, write your partner a love letter or tell them something you love about them. Like, it just can be connecting. Right? Mhmm.

Kate Beere:
So we’re at the cottage, we pulled 1, and we were like, oh, we’re we’re not in the headspace for this one. It was like, write a long love letter, and I’m like, I love you. I just I’m not feeling it right now. He’s like, I’m not feeling it either. Next one was like, play these games, and we’re like at the cottage and we’re getting really competitive. But it just brings in different ways for you to connect I love that. In a way that you might not have connected before. And I’m like, oh, it’s so cool.

Kate Beere:
Like, even, like, early on in a in a new relationship, how great is this? But I can imagine, like, later on too just bringing that, and it can be 15 minutes. It’s some of them are, like, 5 seconds long. It’s just about, you know, giving you some structure on maybe how to introduce

Wendy Dodds:
new things. What I love most about that is the fact that you don’t have to think about it. Because a lot of people will say, women especially, where we try to reinvent the wheel and do all these big fancy things or these creative things using something like that. Everything’s already done for you. And so that takes the guesswork out. And I love how you just mentioned 15 minutes because, honestly, that’s if that’s all it takes, you know, and when you’ve had a long day and the kids are in bed and you’re finally sitting down Yeah. Even just 15 minutes to carve out is huge. Every

Kate Beere:
people just wanna be seen and heard

Wendy Dodds:
Yes.

Kate Beere:
Even after a long stressful day. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. Well Oh, this was amazing. Know. It’s such a great show. Thank you everyone for, joining us today.

Kate Beere:
As always, we’ll have all of your podcast, show notes up on our website. I just did a did you see that? I didn’t I love that. Sorry, Steve. Steve, are you here? No biggie. So be sure to visit living richly dot me, for all of the show notes. You can also sign up for our Facebook group, the Living Richly Nation.

Wendy Dodds:
So good.

Kate Beere:
So many great conversations, so many like minded individuals. Go in. It’s great. You get a dose of positivity and conversation and authenticity. And also be sure that you’re signing up for the Living Richly 15 day life vision challenge. It is taken off. I’m I’m blown away by all the feedback we’re getting, the reviews that are coming in. People are paving the way, learning how to shape their lives.

Kate Beere:
So be sure you check that out. And until next week, get out there and continue living your best life.

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