How to Beat Imposter Syndrome and Unleash Your Confidence

How to Beat Imposter Syndrome and Unleash Your Confidence

Speaker A:
I was trying to meet a need. I I was, I didn’t feel good about myself. I didn’t have a a healthy self esteem by any stretch, and I’ve described it as deep self loathing on former shows, and that’s as, I I still use that language because I think that describes it best.

Speaker B:
When we give ourselves permission to be vulnerable and that we don’t have it all figured out, it just opens up so many doors and breaks down so many walls and barriers.

Speaker C:
It’s I would say more and more, we’re leaning into authentic leadership, but, truly, there’s so many leaders, you know, fake it till you make it, that whole, like, I’ve got I’ve got it all together.

Speaker D:
We do not have this all figured out.

Speaker A:
Hi, everyone, and welcome to the Living Richly podcast. We’re so glad to have you back this week, and we’re excited to be tackling a really big subject. I think something that most people struggle with, and that’s impostor syndrome. And today, we wanna talk about how to stop feeling like a fraud and unleash our confidence. So, let’s jump right in. Why don’t we start with, areas in your life where maybe impostor syndrome has shown up the most? And, Kate, maybe we can start with you.

Speaker C:
Sure. It shows up everywhere, but it does all the time.

Speaker A:
It’s not limited to one area.

Speaker D:
No.

Speaker C:
Yeah. And it shows up for I think a lot of people shows up for them at work. For me, it showed up. Like, if I get drilled into one that really, like, I have the most emotional connect with, it’s the mom role. So it’s that feeling like I don’t fit in with the other mom. So part of, I’ve talked openly on the show about my divorce, but part of that journey for me, you know, 9 years ago was me feeling like I’m living my supposed life. I’m living the life I’m supposed to live on paper in suburbia, The kids, the house, the car, all of it. Right? Living perfectly.

Speaker C:
I lost the baby. All that stuff for me was total imposter syndrome. It’s like me trying to live up to something that I felt I was supposed to be. Right. Right. And so I would do it really well all the time. And then once I divorce, I would slowly, like, lean into my true authentic self and and realize how much of that was imposter syndrome to the point, like, I used to pick my kids up from school. And I text my girlfriend, Benny, and I’d be like, at my heart.

Speaker B:
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I can relate to the divorced mom Yeah. Aspect of that. And in terms of feeling like, I’m not good enough, I should be doing more, am I doing enough, almost showing up too much. You know, almost 2 decades in the HR space and then moved into the, coaching and the wellness space with no paper credentials, no, you know, university degree and anything around that, and and that was a big, and it still is, to some extent, extent, although I’ve worked a lot on it, but that would be

Speaker A:
a big one for me.

Speaker D:
Very similar to that would have been, you know, when I I remember going to the very

Speaker A:
I I still use that language because I think that describes it best. I think when I was 23 back in the church world, feeling like if only people knew, you know, the real me here. And then, my transition to coaching, I felt the very same thing. Right again, this notion of if people only knew where I came from, that I where it showed up and has shown up for me the most is more on the personal side. Always being in a leadership role, always being in a helping and my private self.

Speaker D:
You remember when we first early in those days, we would even avoid referencing that we worked at the church. Right? We would use the language of, because because we thought I I thought we know I don’t know if we’ve ever had a conversation around this, but we both used that language, because we thought it it it helps set things up in a diff now I’m, like, so comfortable in

Speaker A:
saying something. Jay Shetty, after 2 years, can claim he lived life as a monk. Mountain. Right? We we were pastors for, like, a really long time. He got carried away there.

Speaker D:
But, you

Speaker A:
know, in preparation for the show, we talk I know you and I, in our work, we work primarily with leaders and successful high achieving leaders, and I don’t think one of them that I work with, has has not experienced this at some level. Right, experience it regularly, the whole impostor feeling like a fraud, I don’t deserve to be at the table, like, this this kind of language internally, it affects apparently, there’s the research shows over 70% of the population struggle with it at some level. And I wonder why you guys think that number is so high, especially when you think it’s being experienced by folks who, by all appearances, external appearances, are successful and movers and shakers. So Yeah. What do you think?

Speaker D:
I for me, I think part of it is that, oftentimes, people who are successful, while there’s all kinds of care like, elements that, you know, the hard work, all of that stuff that happens, in many cases, you fall into success. Right? The doors open the right way, the, you know, the opportunities come, and again, I’m not diminishing that there’s all the hard work and everything else that happens, but some, you know, some part of success, you can have 2 people who work just as hard, 2 people who are just as intelligent, and sometimes the opportunity just happens. It’s not I’m I’m hesitating to use luck, but the opportunities just show up. Suddenly, they’ve got, holy shit, I’m here. And they don’t feel like they’ve really done boy, you know, how did I get here? And if they only knew, that that I think that sometimes that’s part of it for some people. Here? Well

Speaker C:
and all of a sudden, you’re there, and you’re like, how am I supposed to not show up, like, as the leader? I’m, you know, like so there’s all this pressure to show up. Got it all together. I can’t

Speaker A:
see a scam.

Speaker C:
Show vulnerability. If I show vulnerability, then that means I’m not a strong leader. Right? So I think that imposter syndrome comes from that need to, like, I can’t fail. I can’t they can’t see me weak. They can’t see me fall down. They can’t see me.

Speaker B:
Yeah. And part of that is that social comparison, and a lot of that is driven from, social media, and and we’re exposed to everything that people are saying, everything that people are doing. We become very distracted by that, where then most of our time is focused on that versus, what we are doing, what we are saying, what our actions are. I think it’s a lot easier to, you know, be scrolling and and getting ready to get ready with whatever it is that we wanna do, rather than focusing and embracing on on what we are doing. Totally.

Speaker A:
We we do those cards. We have those motivation cards that we often do in the morning. And and one of them is something like, we’re all impostors. Just and they’re probably doing the same thing. They’re looking at us and thinking exactly the same thing. I I think for for some sorry. The, for some, the, at least for me, it, the the success and and, being successful, appearing successful, deep self loathing on former shows. And that’s as I I still use that language because I think that describes it best.

Speaker A:
And and so for me, success was a means to, well, at least when I’m doing that, I seem to be okay, or I get, feedback that I’m I’m I’m doing okay. But the because, deep down, I just thought I was fatally flawed. Right?

Speaker C:
Mhmm. Yep.

Speaker B:
No. I was just gonna add, kinda going back to what you said, Rob, around, you know, the right door is open, and and sometimes we don’t feel like we don’t deserve the successor. The cards that you were just mentioning, everybody’s an imposter. Looking at the podcast as an example, I just received a message from someone this week that said, wow. Like, I just admire you all so much because, you know, your podcast has become so successful in such a short time. You’re sharing, you know, such authentic, raw, who am I to be on a podcast and to be sharing all of this kind of stuff? Like, you know, I’ve I’ve done a bit of speaking, but not to the point, you know? So I I think for all of us, that kinda that still shows up sometimes.

Speaker A:
Of course.

Speaker C:
Of course. Yeah. And that’s it’s a great example because I think, you know, we like, we just did an episode, and I I think to, like I said, we’re not medical experts because we were talking about, like, hormonal health for women. Just it’s blue.

Speaker A:
I’m sorry.

Speaker C:
Yeah. We have weeks. We were so busy talking about

Speaker D:
No. You are. Podcast.

Speaker A:
And podcast.

Speaker B:
And we did our disclaimer.

Speaker D:
We went on that. Hey,

Speaker C:
Con. There’s about certain subjects and we’ve talked about this where I’m like, I just don’t feel like I know enough to be able to speak about it, especially in this forum. And there’s times where, I feel like I gotta do all this research and pull all this data and, like, so that I feel comfortable about talking about it and feel like I know more. Right and I’m like okay well I have some stuff like and that’s really not that’s never I know I know what’s that?

Speaker D:
I don’t know. I knew that was coming in this evening.

Speaker B:
I don’t know.

Speaker D:
I know.

Speaker A:
Yeah. For those of you listening, I just lowered my chair. It was slowest.

Speaker D:
But to tie into that, there are times when we do an episode where we might, hey, we’re talking about scripts and overcoming scripts, and that week, I might have been battling with script that I didn’t even come close to overcoming. Right? Like, that I’m I’m actually sitting down at the mic and the script is right there fresh, and yet we’re having these conversations. And we do talk about the fact that we rec recognize we’re on a journey. We do not have this all figured out. Right? We sound, you know, we’re we’re we’re funny. We joke around. We all of this. There are times when we are in very dark places still in our personal lives.

Speaker D:
Absolutely. Yeah. But owning that Yeah. Is difficult to do. And that as we get into later on, talking about how you break the imposter syndrome, part of it is that vulnerability to say, yeah, you know what? I’m faking it right now, like, or I’m struggling right now, is probably a better way to say that. That’s the reality of it.

Speaker C:
Yeah. 100 percent.

Speaker A:
And that’s the commitment to our audience, right, to the Living Richly Nation, is that we’re, we are journeying this one day at a time, one step at a time, that we don’t have it all together, that we don’t have all the answers, but we’re just trying to share out of our own experience, what we’re learning along the way. And While we’re aiming for that life, we’re not there yet, but we’re all on a journey together. Right? Let me let me ask this question because, you know, there’s there’s imposter syndrome, that tends to kinda stay with you. It’s and then there’s having a bad day, moments of self doubt, where your confidence takes a hit. How do you tell the difference?

Speaker C:
Yeah. I think it’s imposter like, I I think it just it’s longer in duration. I think you have a bad day, you have a bad day. You’re not feeling like that can come and go. I think impost I can’t even say it today.

Speaker A:
Feeling like a fraud.

Speaker C:
Yeah. Feeling like a fraud. I think that that’s more of a mindset. I think that’s more of a fear of being vulnerable. Right? Like, what you touched on, Rob. I think it’s it’s more deep rooted than that. I don’t think it’s my day you know, like, I’m not feeling confident going into work today in this I don’t wanna do this presentation. That that might just be I I don’t feel great.

Speaker C:
I think it’s I think it’s just more of a sustained, not personality trait, but more of a a way of thinking that is probably rooted somewhere in I’m not good enough self worth. I think it’s really or I’m scared to be vulnerable. It’s it’s tied to something bigger.

Speaker D:
This came to me the other day, and I and I still need to process if I agree with what I’m about to say. I think I do.

Speaker A:
It’s okay. I’ll let you know.

Speaker D:
Yeah. You’ll you’ll let me know if I’m wrong or

Speaker A:
not. Exactly.

Speaker D:
I have a right to be wrong. You have

Speaker A:
a right

Speaker D:
to die. And I have a right to change my mind.

Speaker B:
Here we go.

Speaker D:
And I have

Speaker A:
a right to

Speaker D:
challenge you. No. Fuck you. And, but the notion is So, Rob, it’s great to have you on the show. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, when did you guys get here? I it’s how I’m seeing myself, whereas imposter syndrome is how I think others are seeing me. Right? It’s external.

Speaker D:
It’s if only they knew, if only they saw me, whereas self doubt is, I don’t know if I can do this. It’s it’s tied to ability perhaps. I’m not very good, you know, all of that. I don’t know whether or not they if they’re separated that way or not. Again, I haven’t figured it out. It was the thought that kinda I I there’s something

Speaker A:
in there that she makes sense. Earlier, before the show was that, you you felt that self doubt was more tied to a person’s ability or performance Yeah. Whereas imposter syndrome is more linked to one’s character or one’s perception of one’s character.

Speaker D:
Said even more brilliantly than that. Right?

Speaker A:
Yeah. Because I I would say I agree with that a 100%.

Speaker D:
Of course, you do. Because I said it.

Speaker A:
So, Kate, to follow-up on what you said, no. Because I think it is, exactly what you just said that, you know, we may not feel great about a particular thing that we’re doing at any given time, and there may be a bunch of factors impacting our confidence. I didn’t get enough sleep.

Speaker D:
But we’re if Loki’s watching this episode,

Speaker A:
I’m sorry, Loki. I’ve never kicked my dog. No no harm to animals. We’re we’re we’re an animal harm free zone, here on the show. Yeah. But there’s so many things that could impact us in those moments, but it I I think you’re both of you are a changing the way that we perceive it or looking at it from a different angle. And I think one of the things that, strategies that can help us overcome a lot of hardships or or challenges is seeing how that challenge or that issue is helping us. So when we think about feeling like a fraud or imposter syndrome, any positive benefits?

Speaker C:
Yeah. I think there’s, like, one thing I think of is be when you’re in that imposter syndrome, I said it, space. I like to feel uncomfortable. Like, you you’re you’re you feel like you’re not showing up authentically. So and I think what that gives you is a lens of, like, empathy for other people. I think you start to see it in other people because you feel it yourself. So I think it gives you a bit of a lens of being empathetic to someone else who maybe you can see as doing something similar. Right? And so I think it just gives you a bit of that compassion, empathy for those around you.

Speaker A:
Yeah. 100%. It’s like walking in their shoes. You’ve been there.

Speaker C:
You’ve been there. So you see it. You can recognize it. And you it might also just be easier to recognize in other people than yourself too. Right?

Speaker D:
I think it connects you to people better when you to for them to be able to share their insecurities and struggles and how they’re battling with imposter syndrome. The more we’re opened about it. It it sometimes people look at a leader, especially somebody who’s successful doing great things, and and they’re not approachable. More effectively when you own your own impostor syndrome.

Speaker A:
A 100%. And and yet, even as you said that, like, people look at a leader and maybe make presumptions or assumptions about them having it all together. And, just because people carry something well doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy. Right? And, like, I I think think about

Speaker D:
that for a second.

Speaker A:
Yeah. So powerful. That’s probably one of been my biggest I’ve found myself in leadership roles since the age of 17 years old. I’m always the one, often the one people are looking to, relying on, depending on, whatever else. And there are times where I’m, like, fuck.

Speaker D:
Yeah.

Speaker C:
Well and I was just at, at an event for International Women’s Month. And Michelle Romano, who’s one of the dragons from Dragon’s Den, very successful entrepreneur, you know, made millions, and she talked about imposter syndrome. She’s like, I still feel it. She’s like, I’m not I can’t sit here in front of you and and not authentically say you’re always gonna feel it. You will always feel it. She’s like, it’s not something that goes away, the doubt, the all of it. You know, she’s like, I can sit in a room full of these, like, mega multimillionaires, and she can still feel that way. So I think we have this view that at some point, we’re not gonna feel it.

Speaker C:
I think we we feel it on some level. But to hear her say it and she’s so successful to your point was a big one for me.

Speaker B:
And that’s all tied to vulnerability.

Speaker D:
Why are you

Speaker B:
When we give ourselves permission to be vulnerable and that we don’t have it all figured out, it just opens up so many doors and breaks down so many walls and barriers that allows other people to be able to relate to what we’re going through and allows us to share, like you mentioned, compassion, as to what they’re experiencing as well. I think that another positive side would be heightened self awareness. So becoming very self aware of, the self reflection, but the introspection on did I say that right?

Speaker A:
Intro Introspection. You did.

Speaker D:
What a good Very good. That’s Are we all it’s hard

Speaker C:
to get back up.

Speaker D:
It’s hard. It’s hard. Oh, well. That’s down there. There you go.

Speaker B:
Not bad.

Speaker D:
It’s gonna be a trip.

Speaker C:
Just up and down up and down.

Speaker B:
Steve shaking his head. Yep. He’s making our

Speaker A:
producer now. About to fire us, I think.

Speaker D:
But

Speaker B:
in all seriousness, I think it helps us keep our ego in check.

Speaker C:
We have

Speaker B:
we’ve all kinda crossed paths with people where, you know, the ego comes out, you know, in massive strides. And I think being able to recognize and having that self awareness of imposter syndrome allows you to keep your ego in check, but also gives you that deeper understanding of what your strengths are, what your weaknesses, almost like your own SWOT analysis, right,

Speaker A:
syndrome is it has a real negative bias. Totally. And, so I agree with you a 100%. I think it keeps us it can keep us grounded, keep us centered, keep us humble. I know for me, they it did more than that. It it went beyond just keeping me in check, it. Right? But, I think all those things.

Speaker D:
Well, it leads to a lot of negative, even the words we use with ourselves. There’s very little, compassion in the language we use when we are when we are dealing with impostor syndrome. Right? It’s I’m fake. I’m a fake. I’m a phony. I’m rot. Whatever it is, I’m a lie. All of this stuff, but to your point, it’s it’s when it’s when it’s allowed to just run rampant within us, kind of just embracing, so, the imposter syndrome.

Speaker D:
Again, to your point, you said earlier, it may never be gone,

Speaker A:
it’s really about learning to, be kind to yourself, and when that voice shows up to present a different script.

Speaker D:
Yeah.

Speaker A:
But that takes a lot of work. We we’ve already talked a lot, about, you know, impostor syndrome in the workplace, impostor syndrome at home, in our parenting, in our which one is most significant for you, and where does it show up the most? I know we we we touched on at the beginning, but I’m curious if we dive in a little bit more deeply there.

Speaker B:
I’m ready to dive.

Speaker D:
Dive deeply.

Speaker B:
So imposter syndrome can show up absolutely in relationships. The comparison game, guilt over feeling not adequate enough. I know that was a big one for me, and doubting our worthiness, and if we’re good enough for our partner, and the baggage, the fucking baggage that we bring along with it. Right? And I remember talking so much, like, when we when we had so many conversation, we still do, around, you know, things that I struggle with, and, you know, I don’t wanna bring you down, and I don’t wanna be a downer in our relationship, the being younger than your girls, and, you know, my girls aren’t on their own yet. So it’s it’s more, you know, time and absolutely, of course, what I wanted to do as a mom, but feeling like I’m bringing this baggage into, you know, this relationship. So, I would say that that can be a big thing for for people. Yeah.

Speaker C:
I I these

Speaker D:
yeah.

Speaker C:
Burden. Yep.

Speaker D:
Burden to other people.

Speaker A:
And it shows up in my relationships on a regular basis.

Speaker C:
Yeah. And burden’s a that’s that’s a powerful word. You talk about compassion and self compassion. When that’s your script, that’s a burden’s a heavy word. A heavy word.

Speaker B:
Yep.

Speaker C:
Yeah.

Speaker B:
And I feel like it’s something that you like, you can say to your partner, like, no, you know, you’re not a burden and you don’t have baggage, but at the end of the day, it’s up it really is our responsibility and that self ownership and self reflect. Like, we can have support from the people in our lives and the people that love us, but at the end of the day, it’s a choice that we make to be able to have that self reflection and that, self responsibility on changing that language that we use.

Speaker A:
Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Speaker B:
Which I’ve,

Speaker A:
You’re our guiding light, Wendy.

Speaker C:
I don’t have any imposters in here.

Speaker D:
My friend,

Speaker C:
Wendy’s on the show. She’s taking care of the hell of

Speaker D:
a bitch.

Speaker A:
We’re good. Business. What about you, sir? I so I

Speaker D:
don’t know how much. I I I think where it shows up, it shows up more on the personal side since we’ve launched Living Richly, and part of it is because those you know, there have been a lot of adjustments and changes, and people who knew me kind of pre doing this work, even though I know that I’m doing the work, I think it could there’s so that’s more the self doubt, I think, or the insecurity around that. I I I think in relationships, I feel like I am able to I I don’t I think I come across pretty authentically and and pretty much what you see is what you get, warts and all. I for me, it probably the the area shows up the most still would be professionally, in the notion of trying to come in and go, can I really bring something to the table here? Like, they’re looking at me like I’m the expert, and I’m like, you know, and and it’s kinda being able to bring that, that truth to them, of whatever they’re needing and not feeling like if they only knew,

Speaker A:
and often go, like, what what what do you mean? Like, like, I see you shining there, and I see you so strong there, and yet we look at our cell. And we can, be that cheerleader for someone else, but we often I I often struggle when it comes to, being my my own I come a long way, but it still shows up.

Speaker C:
But I think that’s, like, touched on that earlier. But what I have noticed is over time, it’s less and less. And I think part of that is doing the work. I think part of that is getting, you know, more comfortable in my own skin, feeling like I’m living a more vulnerable life. I’m being more authentic. And with that, it’s sort of the more authentic you get, the imposter syndrome goes down. Right? Because they really do counteract each other.

Speaker D:
I love that you said that and because that that really, even for me, it helps in in how I’m trying to formulate this in my because in my brain in the sense that, so I I don’t wouldn’t necessarily say I’m part of the 30% who don’t struggle with impostor syndrome, but it’s low for me. And and I think of even with my kids. When I look at my kids, I know I’m a good dad. I know that I show up, genuinely with them. Do I believe that I’ve always been a good dad? No. Now, they would probably say, no, you’ve always been a good, but I know that there were many seasons where I was more focused on the work, I was more focused on other stuff, and I I’ve I’ve dealt with guilt around that, but I can say that I can easily, if I was sitting with one of my girls today in fact, I’ve had these conversations that maybe I wasn’t there the way I would have liked to been, but I’m here now. And so I I don’t come in struggling with I fucked up for a lot of years, and I was not good. And I, you know, I did fail in in in being a parent for, in many ways.

Speaker D:
But I know who I am today, and I feel so there’s a confidence there that I am showing up. Sometimes some days I aren’t I’m not good for my kids today. Most of the time, though, I am, but I own it when I’m not.

Speaker B:
When I hear both of you speak around, just the first thing that popped into my head is you’re both celebrating and congratulating yourself versus so when I think of, like, four c’s, I’m just pulling this out of my ass. We spend a lot of time being critical and condescending. And then as we kinda sail sail through that journey, we’re

Speaker C:
one of the hardest things is to celebrate the wins is actually one of the hardest things. We’re it’s way easier to be critical. Right? But to actually say, no. You know what? I’m, like, I’m I’m a good parent today. Like, we don’t often do that. What we often say is, I shit the bed today, or I didn’t show up as I wanted to show up, and or I got too angry or whatever. Like, we all have that, but we don’t actually like, how many of us at the end of day go, wow. I did a great job to take care of.

Speaker D:
Right. Right.

Speaker C:
We just don’t. And so it’s leaning more into that. I really like that.

Speaker A:
Yeah.

Speaker C:
It’s so celebrating.

Speaker A:
Let let’s talk about failure for a second because it’s, I think when things are going well, relatively well, most of us probably aren’t struggling too much with impostor syndrome unless, Let’s talk about how you guys reframe failure so that it, that imposter syndrome doesn’t

Speaker C:
someone else in this room maybe feels like an imposter in this moment as much as I do, and that makes me feel better.

Speaker A:
Right.

Speaker C:
So it’s to know that that what I’m feeling isn’t isn’t mine and mine only and that other people feel this way. And and somehow for me that so impostery.

Speaker D:
Imposter. I mean, the word. We’re we’re

Speaker A:
making up words.

Speaker C:
Well, I’m having a hard time

Speaker D:
with the whole sentence. We’re having

Speaker A:
a hard time with some of the words we’re using.

Speaker D:
We’re just gonna make them up.

Speaker A:
We’re gonna

Speaker D:
make them up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker B:
So I think for me, it’s retraining my language, and it’s something I’ve really tried to work hard on, and I’m still trying to work hard at it. But being able to put my blinders on and focus more about what I’m doing and what I’m saying to myself and what I’m telling myself versus what I think other people are thinking. So, you know, when I go back to my journey of leaving the HR space and moving into the fitness space and those conversations, you know, now, granted, I did have a few people, you know, say these types of words to me, who certified me to give health and wellness advice? What credentials do you have? Who do you think you are? Retraining that language, but that takes practice. And anytime I feel frustrated, those frustrations are those misplaced expectations on what I think people are doing, saying, feeling when most of my energy really should be focused on what I’m doing and what I’m saying and what I’m thinking Yeah. Versus creating imaginary scripts on

Speaker C:
Right.

Speaker B:
With Right.

Speaker A:
Yeah.

Speaker D:
Most successful people I know when you have a when you at least have a 1 on 1 conversation, they don’t see failure as bad.

Speaker A:
Right.

Speaker D:
Right? And so it it seems to be that successful people have a tendency to be able to own failure easier. I don’t know if that’s accurate. I know for me, when I fail, my my again, my natural oh, see, I’m so I’m I’m phony. When I fail, I look at it and go, okay, so now what am I learning from this? What’s what’s the lesson? What what what what what didn’t work? What what did work? How do I grow. It’s an opportunity to learn Yeah. Every failure. And so I don’t wish for failure, but failure’s inevitable. May maybe it goes back to Ben Bergeron’s mindsets.

Speaker A:
Right.

Speaker D:
Right? The realist knows there’s gonna be failure.

Speaker A:
Right. Yeah. It’s not all a bed of roses.

Speaker D:
It’s not all it’s not all optimism. Right? It’s not pessimism. It’s not everything’s gonna be bad. So, as a realist, realist just looks and goes,

Speaker A:
Right? If you’re learning, then failure is your teacher, your mentor, as opposed to your accuser and your critic. We’ve been peppering this whole conversation with, strategies and things that we say, do, and and that have helped us. Let’s dive in there, I think, for the sake of our listeners, and I’m I’m curious. For my own sake, I wanna hear, more of what you have to say in terms of strategies

Speaker D:
Right? I think the first strategy, language matters. And when you are feeling that whatever that imposter syndrome, whatever that however it’s showing up, I think one of the first strategies is to ask, how else can I say this? How else can I view this? So what what what’s what’s what are other what are other words? What’s what’s the language I can use to say this differently than the way I’m saying it now? Can oftentimes, because our words, again, lead the way to the feelings that we have, the emotions we have. Change the language, you change the scripts, you change the emotion that you feel out of it.

Speaker A:
Right. 100%. Really good. You can’t say ditto. You not one of you said said anything yet. Yeah.

Speaker D:
Very powerful. We didn’t

Speaker B:
have anything else

Speaker D:
to add.

Speaker A:
You just communicated it, like, telepathically.

Speaker C:
But I think that’s so key. I think it’s how you speak to yourself. Yeah. I think it’s the the language you use as an imposter is is not kind. It’s not nice. It tends to be pretty harsh and critical. So to be able to start shifting how you speak to yourself or even looking at that scenario, that room where you’re feeling it and switch the narrative, I I just I do think it’s so compelling. Yeah.

Speaker C:
So bang on.

Speaker B:
I think there’s a balance between silencing your inner critic and learning to invite it to the table. Ask it to stay for dinner and a drink and and listen to what it’s saying. Romance

Speaker D:
at first. No. Steve Mitch. Coverage. Steve Steve better put the right music on. I want

Speaker B:
some good music for that. Right? But being able to recognize and so, you know, I I’ve never been a fan of the saying out of sight, out of mind, and I’m not saying completely ignore it. I think you do need to still recognize that it’s there. Finding that balance between listening to what that, we’ve talked about this before, the bitch side of your voice is, versus the rational side of of of your voice. Listening to what it has to say, but also not letting Anybody that says they’ve grown without any, you know, roadblocks, speed bumps, discomfort, it’s it just doesn’t happen. There has to be some discomfort, but you have to be able to trust that discomfort in order to be able to move past that and and overcome what your inner critic is telling you to do, say, respond.

Speaker A:
Yeah. I think, again, you know, I think it all really does come down to what you say to yourself

Speaker D:
Mhmm.

Speaker A:
In those moments. What the fuck’s wrong with you, Deshawn? Why can’t you just snap out of this? Come on. Just pick yourself up and get back to their normal self. And and learning to ask a a kinder question of, what do you need right now? What what do I need? And and that’s that’s helping. That’s helping.

Speaker D:
It’s so good and and and you didn’t do it there. I was hoping you would. You didn’t add the the word Eric. What do I, Eric, what do you need right now? And and I remember when you first, shared that with me and you used that language and I reflected back, it was actually it was David Goggins and his second book. He talks about how and the way he speaks to himself, and he does this intentionally versus Eric, what do you need right now? Just doing something as simple as that in those moments, it takes that just takes practice. Suddenly, you recognize, oh, I know who speak. I know it’s my bitch voice versus my rational voice, whatever the language is. Now, I can address it accordingly.

Speaker D:
Yeah. Right? And begin to work through what those things are. So it’s a powerful thing. I I thank you for sharing and being that open and vulnerable. Again, The the journey that we’re on, that you could be in a season like that right now and yet come on a show and say, hey. There’s hope. There’s a journey. We’re living our best lives

Speaker A:
you’re you’re doing better. You’ve done the work. You’re growing. You’re maturing, but not all growth is forward. And sometimes growth feels like a few steps back. Speed bumps. Speed bumps. Right? And, and and in those moments, like, I constantly reminding myself what’s helpful Was any of it real? Have I actually you know, because here I find myself struggling with my thoughts again, struggling with the negativity, right, only to recognize there’s something bigger playing out here.

Speaker A:
This isn’t just a mind thing. It’s a there’s something bigger affecting all of it. But I get very, critical on myself, and I have to remind myself in those moments. And I shared this, on an episode we did last year at this time. I’m now beginning to recognize a pattern, but it was about this time last year I went through a hard time, didn’t recognize it for what it was. And, the notion of, our brains are plastic, not elastic. And, we talk about neuroplasticity. We talk about the brain’s ability to continue to grow in moments, so our brains are plastic.

Speaker A:
But in moments where I, fall down or I’m not doing great, I tend to feel like I’ve snapped back to a previous version of myself. I it’s like an elastic. I’ve been, just, you know, that, and that’s actually not what’s happening. And, you know, I’m grateful that as I walk through this, I have better tools than I’ve ever had. I have an amazing woman at my side. I’ve got great friends. I’ve got better resources than I’ve ever known, and and I’m confident, you know, I’m gonna walk through it.

Speaker D:
And you’ve got you’ve got better language. Right? And and I’ve I’ve seen it this time around where in the past, you wouldn’t really you didn’t have the language emotion of what you’re going through, you’ve got the right language to use Mhmm. In order to begin to really develop you know, get get to where you need to get to.

Speaker A:
The language may be better in conversation with you than sometimes what’s running through my hand.

Speaker D:
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yep. Right. Boy, that sounded like imposter syndrome right

Speaker A:
Happy to be a living example. Let’s shift the focus off me completely now and back onto you.

Speaker D:
I like it Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker A:
I don’t. Other strategies that, you guys lean to or turn to when going through and facing, imposter syndrome?

Speaker C:
You know, one thing, and we talked about this on successes. Try writing your successes down. So a success journal is not something we do. I was just joking about, oh, there was great parent today, but that is that we don’t do it. I know. I always do that jig. I don’t know what the jig’s about today.

Speaker D:
I I’ve never seen it before.

Speaker A:
It feels like it’s from, like

Speaker D:
and then you’ve got it. I know it’s because we’re coming we’re recording this really close to Saint Patrick’s Day.

Speaker C:
Is that

Speaker D:
I’m getting my jig on.

Speaker A:
You’re jig on.

Speaker C:
I’m getting my my jig on. Yeah. But celebrate your success.

Speaker B:
Get jiggy with it.

Speaker A:
I can’t do you. I had

Speaker C:
to do something else. But write them down and give yourself permission to honor that. And that just kind I think it helps. You know, big believer in pen to paper. I’ve said this before on the show, but writing things down makes them more real. I think it also allows you to just appreciate a little bit more who you are. Right? And so it gives you a bit of that self worth back, which can tie into giving you almost permission to show up more authentic.

Speaker B:
Well, writing it down is again, it’s easy to do, but easier not to do. It’s a great tool to have because we can circulate that kind of stuff in our head, but we forget about it so easily. Yeah. And as humans, we’re very visual. Having that visual in front of you where you’ve taken the time to,

Speaker D:
you know, so having you you mentioned about, you know, a wonderful woman, trusted friends, having those people that you could say, hey. This is what I’m feeling right now, and giving that being vulnerable enough to say, I feel like an imposter here so that those other people can build up and encourage and and be a part of that and shed light on that darkness.

Speaker A:
Yeah. I couldn’t agree with you more on that. I think isolation, present with ourselves. But I think when you’re in a bad headspace and really struggling with self doubt and, imposter syndrome, that’s probably not the time to, be alone too much because, loneliness, isolation tends to fuel, those thoughts even more. Yeah. When you’re in the presence of people that care for you and you care for, they can be that and resisting the temptation to withdraw from life because that’s, I know, something I still, am working on, but I’m grateful that, that’s what I’ve been doing in, at least in this season, I was just referring to earlier, and it’s making a big difference. So

Speaker D:
I I

Speaker A:
love all

Speaker D:
of it.

Speaker A:
Writing it down, bringing it to the light, talking about it, I think, takes the, takes the edge off of it.

Speaker C:
Yeah. And I would honor the fact that you’re the isolation and the the draw to the isolation is very real when you’re in that. So to be able to pull back and and connect when you really don’t wanna connect is one of the hardest things to do. But and I love the language you use. You like it learning practice. Right? And it is that’s a practice skill because innately, you just wanna retreat into yourself and cocoon from the world. So I think it’s amazing that you’ve been doing that and leaning into that more.

Speaker A:
Yeah. Yeah. Huge. Thank you. Let’s

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