From Brokenness to Healing with Dr. Sherry Cain

From Brokenness to Healing with Dr. Sherry Cain

Eric Deschamps:

Whether it’s working with inmates, everyday people, or professional athletes, today’s guest is making a real difference. Get ready to hear her story. That’s coming up next.

Rob Dale:

Welcome to the Living Rich Lee Podcast, we are absolutely excited and thrilled to have you here with us. You are going to be listening to one of the most, influential people. One of the the people that has shaped our lives, shaped the life of what Living Richly is, the whole movement. She has had Such a great impact, in our lives. Doctor Sherry Kane, welcome. It’s so good to have you here with us. Finally, You’re here on the, podcast. So how are you doing today?

Sherry:

I’m good. Good. Thank you so much, guys. It was, I was really honored that you asked me to be on and just hearing you introduce me that way. I I really, you know, Meeting you all and getting to work with you and watching watching this develop and your journey has been Amazing and wonderful. And so I just I I I feel like I’m, I’m so excited too. I’m just so excited. If if any but I mean, even if Oprah went for he had asked me, It wouldn’t have it wouldn’t have held the same excitement as watching people who I’ve been able to watch how hard you all have worked.

Eric Deschamps:

That’s There’s no understatement when you say your influence on us has been profound. I’ve often referred to the to you as the lady who saved my life, and, like, the influence. This podcast, in many ways, was influenced by your work and our journey, obviously, us doing the work, but you influencing that journey. And so much of Sherry, doctor Sherry already shows up in so many of our conversations, Tozat. So to have you live with us, here on the show today, I mean, so exciting. We look forward, to the conversation.

Rob Dale:

And and, you know, we, you’ll hear us Probably at times do what Eric just did there. For those of you that are listening, you’re gonna hear us say Sherry and then catch ourselves and say doctor Sherry.

Eric Deschamps:

Gonna go with Sherry for

Rob Dale:

the rest of We are so comfortable in that relationship that we have with you that we do, certainly call you Sherry. Sometimes there’s other words that go along with that, Especially when you’ve given us a real profound truth, but we’ll leave those for another episode. Yeah. We do want to. And what we

Sherry:

those out, By the way, are

Rob Dale:

we gonna

Eric Deschamps:

We leave them whole. Yeah. We Those those well placed f bombs just need to remain intact as is for the Real Raw Nature Show.

Rob Dale:

Yeah. We, we we certainly do that. We thought again, we, recently had on a couple of episodes, encourage our listeners Go back and listen to the the episodes on Jim Harrington, another person who has really helped shape our lives. Big time. And, as we did with Jim, we wanna do the same with Cherry, and that is, we wanna find out a little bit more about your story, and then we’re going to in next week’s episode, we’ll dive into a lot of the The dynamics of the kind of, you know, cognitive behavior therapy and some of the other, modalities that you use to support The people that come and see you and things that some of our, listeners can apply to their lives. Sherry, you are normally on the other side of the couch Asking the question of someone else to tell them for you you know, to tell you their story. And often my guess is They begin with this statement. Well, I don’t know where to begin, and you say it’s your story.

Rob Dale:

Start wherever you want. So, Sherry, It’s your story. Why don’t you start wherever you’d like?

Sherry:

Wow. I’m gonna I’m gonna have to rethink that and maybe not Ask people that from there. Let not start with asking them that because that that’s a tough one. Well, not tough. It’s just it’s a big question. Mhmm. Yeah. Yeah.

Sherry:

Big question. Where does where does your story start? You know, when I was thinking about it with this, episode, I I I thought, well, starting with becoming a therapist might be a a decent place to start. And it’s interesting because, when I was in school, I, I was the first one in my family to go to college. And when I graduated high school, I thought I wanted to go to medical school. And so I started, my bachelor’s bachelor’s at Marshall University and, graduated. And when I was finished, I Wasn’t wasn’t sure I wanted to go to medical school, so I I was sort of trying to figure out what I wanted to do. And A friend of mine said, you should talk to this person about this counseling program. And I thought, okay.

Sherry:

That’s still in the helping profession. Yeah. And so I met with this guy, and it was really interesting. You know, I think the universe sometimes knows What we need and where we need to be before we do. Oh, true. Because it was already past The deadline for entry into the program, but the director I met with said, Well, I I think we can get this to happen, so I started the program. And Now at this point, I I’m not able to imagine anything else that that I would have been that was a was a better fit.

Eric Deschamps:

I would have to wholeheartedly agree with that statement. I mean, we’ve been we’ve known you now for a number of years. I think of all the conversations that we have had, you’re you’re a master at your craft. And for those of you listening, doctor Sherry is not just an acquaintance of ours. She’s our coach. She’s our therapist. She’s helped both of us, tremendously in our journey. So when you say I I can’t imagine doing anything else.

Eric Deschamps:

I think both Rob and I and probably everybody that you work with and you and you work with Quite a range of of of people. You you are the sort of like the the psychologist or the the the for the Philadelphia Eagles. So for Professional athletes are like their mindset coach. You work with everyday people and everyday leaders like Rob and I, and you’ve also, you also work with inmates. I mean, you you’ve worked with quite a range of individuals, and and that must be quite an experience for you.

Sherry:

Yeah. It It really has been. When I I was reflecting on 35 it’s been 35 years I’ve been in this profession.

Rob Dale:

You started it at 8 years old?

Sherry:

Yeah. 8 years old. Exactly. Exactly. But 35 years, and I’ve worked in probably every setting I could work college counseling centers, head start, so, you know, birth to 5 programs, pastoral counseling centers, inpatient and outpatient drug and alcohol. I’ve worked inpatient psychiatric. Now, you know, with professional sports, and and it’s and my youngest client has been 4. My oldest client, 92 right now.

Sherry:

Wow. And and so, you know, I’d say, like, human beings are the most Interesting. We are the most interesting creatures, and it’s been, just an amazing An amazing honor to get to to and most of us in our careers don’t get to experience the inside of people’s lives.

Rob Dale:

I I love the fact you’re right. That variety of and and to start into that, maybe take us back to You go into you decide you’re gonna go into this world. Like, when did that when did it shift? When did it shift from Maybe the the I don’t know if you still remember your very first the first individual that you worked with or not, 30 5 years ago, and most of us usually remember I remember the 1st person

Eric Deschamps:

Everyone remembers their first.

Rob Dale:

First. Yeah. I I knew you were gonna go there. He’s such a child. He’s such a child, sir Sherry. But, you know, working in that To all of a sudden, at sometimes, perhaps standing, and here’s a, professional athlete or, you know, a a High performing business owner sitting in front of you basically saying help. That what a what a transit. What a A journey that must have been.

Rob Dale:

Maybe give us a bit of insight into how it went from those initial, people that you worked with to this big scale because not every person gets to work at that level that you’re working at.

Sherry:

Yeah. I, and I do remember my 1st plant, actually, and it’s and it’s so funny that that, you guys mentioned some of the well placed phrases that you have at times said to me because the 1st client I ever had, that was their opening phrase to me. So that that’s why I’ve been able to handle it. I’ve heard that a lot in my career.

Eric Deschamps:

Well, for the sake of our listeners, like because right now, we’re talking in code. They don’t understand what we’re talking about, but there is, moments where, several moments where in our conversation, Sherry, mine and yours, I I no doubt, and even when you’ve done group work with us where the question you’re asking, the framework you’re presenting, the different perspective really rattles our cage, and you do it always with such, a safety and comfort and compassion. But what it elicits in us is a fuck you, Sherry.

Sherry:

Right.

Eric Deschamps:

Right. And I think you You’ve come to know that when we when you hear that from us, oh, I’m on to something here.

Sherry:

Right. I’m like, score. We’ve got it. We’ve we’re We’ve hit the nail on the head.

Rob Dale:

Yeah. I I have I have Sherry saved in my phone, in my contact list as fuck you. Not not really.

Sherry:

And so my 1st client was a a little little teenage fella that was on probation. Very first Client, you know, I’m it’s my internship, actually. So I’m I’m I’m not even made it through the internship year, And I’m I’m so excited and hopeful, and I trot out to get him with all of my tools. And, I’m like, Hi. I’m Sherry. You wanna come on back? And he said, fuck you. That was my first introduction to To counseling, and, so I I I can handle it, guys. So we’ll keep doing the work to elicit all of those because I can handle it.

Rob Dale:

So so when you you we we often and we we use this we use this on on Living Richly episodes all the time Is, you know, language matters, the way we you know, the what the words we use are so important. We’re gonna get in more detail about language and all of that, in in the next episode. But what about for you? What was the language, like, when you were sitting in front of that Individual and, you know, that’s their 1st response to you, and now you’re sitting and talking to them. Are you using language or are you thinking are is your thoughts, I’m going to continue to build this that one day I’m gonna be sitting in front of quarterbacks and and professional athletes and CEOs. And What was your thinking in those early days, compared to where you are today?

Sherry:

Yeah. No. At that point, actually, during that 1st session, my thinking was just So it’s oh my lord. What have I done? What what what have I done? Right. That was

Rob Dale:

Good. She is human. She she

Eric Deschamps:

is human. Yes. Sure. She is. Yeah.

Sherry:

Right. Right. And, you know, really, it the the development over my career, In the early years, I I would not have imagined if somebody said, oh, you’re you’re working with the team that’s in the Super Bowl. I would have been like, how does something like that happen? How do you get there? So it it wasn’t anything. It wasn’t like I set out to do that that particular career. I knew I I knew I wanted to help people, and I had a Really good first mentor. My my mentor in college, now 35 years later, we Still work together. I I did a training with him last week.

Sherry:

So, you know, I it it speaks to the importance of what Virginia here calls an enlightened individual in your life. You know, it speaks to why some kids come out of families It’s the same family, but the kids have a real different experience throughout their lives. And and that Virginia Satir, who’s the sort of the mother of self esteem work, Says, it’s because there are certain individuals that touch us and and shape us. And so, experience with Ann Jacobs certainly did shape me and shape the therapist I became. And during the end of my master’s degree, What was really interesting, there were you know, just just like any any place you work, there are colleagues that Had issues with each other or people get along and they don’t get along. But, there was a professor who had a very different theoretical orientation than my professor, and he tended to to really, have issue with anyone who ascribed to the other orientation. And it was one of the it was one of the standout moments of of the my 2 years in the master’s program because He he had had the issue with me all along because of my orientation, and it was near the end. And I was in his office because he was the only professor.

Sherry:

We had classes with them. And he said, Sherry, he said, you know, I you you said it’s no secret The the struggle I’ve had, you know, with with, your work during this program, your or you’re, you know, Aligning with this other person, he said and and I’ve never said this to anybody before, but he said You were born to be a therapist.

Eric Deschamps:

Wow.

Sherry:

And it just really struck me because this man that had, You know, been pretty difficult for 2 years, said you were born to be a therapist, and I’ve never I’ve never forgotten that. And and in even in the beginning, early on, it didn’t it didn’t land In the same way it lands on me now because my my daughter who you know, they’re in college. They’re they’re trying to decide about their career. In that, she’s asked me a lot of questions about my job and about she said, mom, do you like being a therapist? Because they’re often on the other end when I get a phone call and they hear me I’m taken away from, and she’s like, what makes you wanna sit and listen to people’s Problems are the same.

Eric Deschamps:

Well, I’ve wondered I’ve wondered at times why you would, you know, what makes you wanna listen to mine. So

Sherry:

It is that desire to help, Eric. Right. It is the desire to help. I wanna help you.

Eric Deschamps:

Yeah. I know. And I and you have. You have tremendously. Yeah.

Sherry:

But it really is I really do and really, really can say That like, I love going to work every day. I love going to work. And then trust me, there are some hard days. There are There are hard days. You I hear hard stuff all day long. I also see the, indomitable human spirit in in people. The and and that you know, Seeing that even though we might feel like it, we might feel like it, but we are not easily broken. So so as I I was always saying what I told her, I think this is like I plan to be doing this when I’m 90.

Sherry:

And and that’s that’s the good thing about being a therapist. I think people even, like, respect you more. You know how, like, The president, when they’re 90, we wanna kick them out because they don’t know what they’re doing. Right? Right. Right? But when a therapist is 90, We just maybe see them that they’re wiser and have more experience and they’re more red bearded. Yeah.

Rob Dale:

Yeah. Now so, again And I I I recognize we we talk often even on the on the podcast around the notion and the importance of therapy and how helpful it’s been for us and how important it’s. And and very rarely do people get to be kind of, again, get to ask questions of a therapist. Like, what’s it like? What’s your what’s your What’s life like in the home of a therapist? Your kids must have just like, what was what’s it like when they’re growing up? Right? Like, Like, do do you, with your kids, when they were when they were 14 or 13, would you say, now dear, language matters?

Sherry:

Well okay. So first, let me just tell you that the general consensus is that no one likes living with a therapist. I’m no. Been like this.

Rob Dale:

Told that. Right?

Eric Deschamps:

Let’s just get that out of the way, shall we?

Sherry:

Yeah. Get out of the way up front. And And it and it’s almost to the point where now I say this facetiously, but, like, it’s almost like if you’re sitting across at Dinner. It’s we’re all at dinner, and I say, hey. Can you pass me the butter? They say, stop doing therapy on me. Wait. I just I just

Eric Deschamps:

want I just want the butter. Yeah.

Sherry:

It was an innocent question. I really did just mean I want the butter. It wasn’t Code for something deeper. Just could you pass me the better? Could you stop doing therapy on me? So That’s sort of the baseline for where we start with what it’s like living with a therapist. And then I mean, certainly certainly, there are lots of times where I believe I’ve earned an a on my parenting report card because of my therapy skills. Right? Like like, I’ll walk away and think, Oh, textbook. Like, textbook. I handled that so well.

Sherry:

And and then because of my humanness, there are other days Where I walk I like, I I might not I might get kicked out of the classroom, not only fail the class, but expelled from school for how poorly I handled something. And those are you know, maybe that day I was hungry or Angry or lonely or tired, any of those halt things that have us not be operating at our best selves. But lots of times, I have used a lot of the skills in in helping my kids.

Rob Dale:

Yeah. I mean, I think that it that’s such it’s freeing. Right? Because, most of us, we go through, like, We can be our harshest critic. We can be the one that is the most least compassionate on ourselves and be like, oh, I screwed that up, and I’m such an idiot. I I’ve heard

Eric Deschamps:

people I I can’t relate, but but I’ve I’ve read about that in books. Yeah. I mean, that some people do that.

Rob Dale:

Sherry’s on the call.

Eric Deschamps:

Oh, Sherry’s on the call.

Rob Dale:

Right? While while she’ll hold certain in confidence.

Eric Deschamps:

She might call me. I’m a bullshit.

Rob Dale:

When she rolls her eyes, I know it means you’re bullshitting.

Eric Deschamps:

Right?

Rob Dale:

But, you know, but the the idea of recognizing, you know, even a therapist has days where They they just they don’t handle something well. They don’t do what we all know we want to do. We need to that we’re, You know, the we do the shoulds, right, that even a a therapist might fall into the shoulds, around some of the things that they do.

Sherry:

Right. Absolutely. Absolutely. We you know, the the hue we’re human before we’re anything, and that’s What I always remind myself of my clients, we’re human before we’re anything. And and that means we’re not gonna do it perfectly, and we’re gonna make mistakes. And There have been many times you know, I was sitting with a client the other day, and they were talking about they said that their parent who had, oftentimes wounded And they had never heard I’m sorry from their parent. The parent had never apologized to them. And, you know, I’ve I’ve apologized to my kids a lot when I’ve made mistakes.

Sherry:

And and I think that’s what that’s what you learn when you build secure attachment. You know, you learned that secure attachments can handle when you mess up and when you make mistakes. And and I I had my my daughter got an award for writing what it was like to live with a therapist, and and, She got an award for that in school when there were some parts that were not flowering. I wondered if I would have clients after she and I didn’t even know She was right in the paper, so I got it after

Eric Deschamps:

Oh, no.

Sherry:

She had turned it in, and the teacher had the teacher wrote, wow. This is really raw and real, and I’m looking at it going, oh, crap. This is really dumb. But I also felt happy that she that she had the The the the, what would what would the word be? She she felt secure enough in herself and safe enough that She could write her truth even if at times her truth had not been flattering of something that I did poorly. So, The other thing with with kids and being you know, the things that we teach them sometimes come back. The other day, I was I I I can’t even remember what I was doing, but my son was in the other room. I was I was asking him to help me find something. I was maybe Rushing to go out the door.

Sherry:

My my we have a and here’s another thing about this, the secret lives of therapists. Me and all the therapists This I work with here, we have a therapist group chat, and we send each other funny memes at different times. And And the one that came the other day that was so spot on was like, this is me leaving for work at 8:0:6 to be at work at 8 because that was off and me rolling in. So I was running around the house looking for something, and I was yelling down the hall. David, David, can you help Help mom find this, and he just yells back, mom, self sued.

Eric Deschamps:

Oh, no.

Sherry:

Self sued. Uh-huh. Okay.

Rob Dale:

Yeah. Yeah. You could self soothe yourself dinner tonight. That’s right.

Sherry:

Yeah. About self soothing. And, So That’s awesome. It’s it’s, being being a therapist, I think I have a lot of tools that I can get out of those places maybe quicker than I would’ve before if I if I wasn’t a therapist because I use them all day every day. Right? So it’s not that I don’t go to those places. It’s, Okay. I use these tools all day every day, and so it helps me manage manage my emotions and manage my life.

Rob Dale:

So what is what is one of the things that you do? So often, we deal with and I know that, we all have trauma. We all have those things that we deal with. People that are in your line of work But the kind of individuals that you are helping and supporting, it’s I think of paramedics or police officers and How many of them there’s the the PTSD and the burnout because of the stuff that they see, the stuff you hear at times must be absolutely just horrific, and And there’s so much goes on. Most of our listeners have gone through seasons where they deal with their own trauma. What are what are a couple of things that you do to kind of help reset yourself after a difficult, session or even a difficult day. You do need to go home and be a mom and be be be part of a family and to to do all those things. What are some of the things that you do in order to To kinda find that, sense of I don’t I don’t know if the word’s peace or or what it would be.

Eric Deschamps:

Let me use the language you use with us. What do you do to fill your cup?

Rob Dale:

Oh, there you go.

Sherry:

Yeah. Nice. Yeah. I, I do really focus on taking care of myself. You know, I really do because I you have to have energy to be able to care for others and whether that’s my Children, my clients. So I I do something every day that’s nourishing for me. And I I think the big things that I do, I I exercise every day. So So I exercise every day, and that could be you know what? You go into the gym or it might be go I go for walks a lot.

Sherry:

I do yoga. I think yoga’s one of the I encourage all of my clients to do yoga because I think it’s one of the the best all around forms of exercise and relaxation. I read to relax. I read a lot. I Watch. I continue learning, and that helps me take care of myself. Like, I continue to learn and and expand my mind on both things for work and, You know, just learning how to to transplant flowers in a certain way, like, you know, just Something that’s a that’s a a hobby. I get outside a lot.

Sherry:

I work with flowers. I work with things that are Beautiful and and dimming give me, what’s the word? That nourish me. You know? I I Get around the water. Like, if I have a particularly if I have to work something out, being near the water is really important to me. We have a lake here, and I do a 4 mile hike around that lake quite often. And the other things that I do for me, I, oh, I make time for friends and connecting. And I I I I feel like I’m lucky I have a good group of therapist friends. Lots of my friends are therapists.

Sherry:

So, you know, it’s a group of nurturing people, Oh, and, we meet all the therapists. We meet here at least once a month for a a dinner together. Another one of them and I meet once a week, so I’d build that time and, you know, to to Focus on just, who who is Sherry, and what do I need? Not Sherry, the therapist, not Sherry, the mom, not Sherry, the partner. Like, how does my cup get filled? What nourishes mold just as a person? I’ll make sure and do fun things. I love going to the movies. I would, like, go ride my bike, kayaking.

Eric Deschamps:

That was fantastic. All these things that, we talk so often on the show, and this was, again, a major, influence, of yours, on me personally, for sure. I used to wear working myself to the bone, almost like a badge, taking care of others even when my you know, I had nothing left to give, but I thought it was honorable, noble, right, to to and and felt it was selfish, of me to invest in me. And you really helped me come to understand that, actually, radical self care. You’re the 1st person to actually use those words with me. I remember that that that very conversation where you talked about radical self care, and how I see it now is the least selfish thing, you can do because if we don’t if we’re not filling our own cup, we’re showing up, like, half a version or a core just a a a percentage of ourselves in our other relationships and everything else. And so, it’s so important to be doing that stuff. I’m curious, Sherry.

Eric Deschamps:

I mean, you, you work with a lot of people. You’ve had a lot of difficult conversations with people. You’ve heard people’s stories, and the challenges that they’ve overcome. You talk about how your tools, the tools of your trade have helped you, in parenting. What are some of the things that, without getting into any more detail you’re comfortable sharing, but some of the hurdles you’ve had to overcome, and how have these tools, these strategies helped you do that?

Sherry:

You know, certainly, I I think that I had to overcome, one of the struggles that many people do is that, the struggle of low self esteem, You know, where you have low self esteem. You don’t like yourself so much. And, you know, when I reflect on How that came to be. Like, you know, what was I impacted by that, left me at that place? You know, I was I grew up I was An only child, so I grew up in Southern West Virginia. My mom and dad divorced when I was probably about 5. I think my dad was probably absent most of that early 5 years when he when they were still married. So then I was an only child with a single mom, single mom who went to work and had to had to work really hard at a minimum wage jobs. So we struggled, to make ends meet.

Sherry:

And I think she was struggling and probably depressed When I look back on it now, so sort of absent father, totally physically absent, and then mothering That, she was doing the best she could with depression, but some of that absent and not having siblings. My family was mostly matriarchal. So all of the women in the family, I I I came from, I think, a long line of women who had Low self esteem and, you know, had, Just many struggles, and and I didn’t see healthy relationships because most of the women had been divorced. There were not men, or if there were men, they sort of came in and out in unhealthy ways. So I think I was set up early on to to have low self esteem by that, Like, transfers through through childhood, and, it set me up for, I I believe, unhealthy relationships. Part of what part of what, a therapist wants to do is fix things. So when you get into a relationship that with someone that’s maybe not real healthy, man, I’m like That dog with a bowler. I am gonna hang in there and attempt to fix that.

Sherry:

And, so my journey in learning to take better care of myself and to, Work on growing enough to be able to to recognize that I wanna surround myself with healthy relationships And the the changes that means you have to make in your life that are not always easy, and they’re difficult choices. And, when it comes down to I I choose me so that I can become the best version of me, sometimes it means Letting go of, you know, friendships, relationships, love relationships that that are are unhealthy. I mean, that’s just basically the bottom line.

Rob Dale:

It it really is amazing how, you know, so much of what you just shared Are the principles that we often talk about that we all need to do to live our best lives. And, of course, because so much of it was your influence. But to hear you talking about how you know, again, this isn’t just theory that you teach or that you take clients through. This isn’t just theory that we talk about On the podcast because, you know, we learned it or read it in a book. It’s stuff that we’ve done in our own lives. You’ve had to make Those difficult choices. You’ve had to decide, which people you want to surround yourself with. You know, you’ve had to do the hard work.

Rob Dale:

You’ve had to even when you go back to the things you do to help yourself, you’ve had to put into light into practice certain, Some rituals and some things, and it’s it really is. I I’m taking so much of that from what I’m hearing you share your story is how critical it is. This isn’t just stuff we’ve talked about in theory. It works when we do it, and we’ve all done it. We’re all on the journey of doing it.

Eric Deschamps:

Yeah. And I think a a big part of that work, I know, in our work together, was getting clear on what scripts are playing in the back of my brain. What beliefs, have I formed around things that happened in my life? And and and I’ve spoken openly about the show that, really up until just even recent years, I live my whole life with a terrible, deep sense of self loathing, that I wasn’t worthy, that I wasn’t good enough, that, any good that I did came up from a good place. I I’ve always like you, I think I’ve always wanted to help people, but so much of it was maybe if I do enough good, It’ll outdo the bad person that I am. And and I I think a lot of people struggle with their sense of self, and struggle with these scripts. What what what are some of the scripts that, as per your on in your own personal healing journey? What are 1 or 2 sort of major scripts that you had to kinda deconstruct, and replace, with with a healthier mindset?

Sherry:

Well, I mean, I think, you know, just a general going along with what you said, that basic, you know, the 4 basic life Physicians, I’m okay. You’re okay. I’m not okay. You’re not okay. I I just didn’t feel okay. My life script was I’m not okay. Like, hearing, Like, deep sense of shame, you know, low self esteem, just I’m not okay. And as you were as you were talking about that, I was Thinking I remember I remember the exact moment because I’d been doing this work.

Sherry:

You know? I went through my master’s program, and then I went worked couple years, and then I went back to my doctoral program. But I remember the exact moment after my master’s program Where I’d been using affirmations. Like, I’ve been new you know, and I talk to clients about using affirmations all the time. And, it was it was so funny. I was I was in with a client recently, and I asked them about the the affirmations. And they’re like, well, I I tried it, but But it really didn’t work. And I said, well, you know, how long did you did you work at these? And they said, well, I did it consistently for a couple weeks. And I said, oh.

Sherry:

I said, let’s think about the the gym. If you go to the gym and you, are gonna wanna lose £200. Would you come back after 2 weeks and say it didn’t work? And so mental gym is the same as physical gym. Right? It is a It is a long term process, and the first thing is trusting the process, trusting, like they say in AA, that we know that those who have Gone before us had found a way to to make the way that it works. And so trusting the process of therapy that If I if I found someone who says here’s some things that work, then I hang in there with those. But I remember I was I was on High Street in Morgantown, Virginia many times. I was at the stoplight. I didn’t see right where I was sitting.

Sherry:

I’d been repeating that over and over. I’m okay. I I really am okay. And every other time, there was a battle because this inner critic would come up and go, yeah. But what about that? And now, like, you’re not completely okay because you’re this and you’re And I was like, I’m I’m okay. I’m just okay. And I was like, there was there was silence. Like, That their their the inner critic was was not there.

Sherry:

And and I’m not saying that then life doesn’t test you and that inner critic can’t come back up, but before, dealing with the inner critic was a wrestling match. Like, I mean, we were in it. I was Pinning them down, and we’re rolling and fighting. I’m exhausted. And these days these days, I don’t hear from the inner critic much at all. Even if I when I do or if I do, now it’s just a you know? I I just The silence is the inner critic is silenced perhaps with a or a look or a gentle pat. And, It’s it’s so that script of not okay and, changing that script to I’m I really am with all of my I I am at a point with with all of my faults, with all the things I may I’m I’m okay, and I really, really like myself. And I I don’t know that I could have even said that to you.

Sherry:

I don’t know that I coulda said that 10 years ago, even 7 years ago. That’s been a I it’s been an amazing process, and it It charges me up even more for being a therapist because to to be able to really feel that, You know, not just wanna feel it and not feel it some days, but to really change that script.

Eric Deschamps:

Yeah. That is so powerful. Sherry, it’s actually, quite something, for at least for me in this moment to hear you talk about your struggles with self worth, Self esteem, not feeling okay, and and because I’ve only known you, for a few years. And, as I was describing You to Steve, our producer earlier, that we’re you’re in for a treat this afternoon. Sherry’s amazing. I said she radiates like no one else I’ve ever met radiates joy. You you radiate joy. You radiate compassion.

Eric Deschamps:

And so to hear that at one point in your life, you probably still were radiating joy, but you were leaking. Right? There was, there was a there were many holes in your cup, which meant that you couldn’t you’re you’re leaking constantly. It’s just it’s it’s just a little bit surreal to hear you tell that story because because I’ve never heard you tell that story. And I think when you you said at the top of the show, you know, I remind myself that I’m human. Right, on human first, is such a powerful statement.

Rob Dale:

Well and and I’m sure that there’s a lot of listeners Listening to you say that, and they’re kinda sitting there going, I’m not okay. Like, they’re still in that place of not okay. So What would you say to our listeners? We’re we’re gonna start to wrap up, our show today, but what would you say to those that are listening That are you know, maybe they’re finally ready to start this journey of healing. What would you say are encouraged as the as the first few steps to taking that journey?

Sherry:

Find yourself A a good counselor. Find yourself. It could be a coach. It could be a counselor. It could be somebody. Connection heals. Mhmm. Connection

Eric Deschamps:

Yeah. Heals. Yep.

Sherry:

That is the you you You I isolation destroys, connection heals. So and in this world, you know, the like they say, with all the social media, with all the like, we are the most connected we’ve ever been, but I also see people suffering more than ever from loneliness and isolation. But if if you were walking around feeling not okay, That is not a brokenness in you. That is something that happened as a result of your experiences, and it’s Absolutely something that can be fixed. Just just like if we break our arm, it can be fixed. Feeling not okay can absolutely be fixed, and it’s you find somebody, you you need a witness. We all need a witness. We we we need a witness to the experience, and then we need somebody with tools who can help us.

Sherry:

So often, the witness may not even be a therapist. The witness might be, start talking to somebody. Start talking to somebody. Don’t be don’t be ashamed, embarrassed, guilty about about All of us have not been okay. All of us, there’s not a person out there who’s walked around okay a 100% of the time. And and so I’d my my first advice is connect. My the the second thing is begin telling your truth and your story. Begin telling your story.

Sherry:

Begin telling the truth.

Eric Deschamps:

So good. I mean, that’s so similar to what, Jim said when he was here on the show, right, that the the work begins by connecting, opening up, and starting to share your pain. I heard it said recently that we often interpret trauma, and we all have it 1 in one way or another, as something that happened to us, when, actually, trauma is something that happened in within us when something happened to us. In other words, we attached meaning to it. We we attached probably an irrational belief around that, and then that’s what we end up carrying. But So good, and I’m so looking forward to the next episode, Sherry, where we get to dive more deeply into how you help people, and and some of the frameworks that you use and because I I think our listeners are just gonna eat it up. So so thank you so much for joining us today.

Sherry:

Thank you.

Rob Dale:

Yeah. This has been so so good, and and, we wanna just with our listeners as well, wanna encourage you. We really have tried in all of these episodes. Our aim is to not just suggest, here, go do this, But we try to provide as many resources and tools to equip you. And and one of the resources that we can certainly help, we know we we know that we do this with our own clients, with our coaching clients is we don’t just say, hey. Go go find somebody to talk to. If you need help finding someone to talk to, send us an email. Reach out to us.

Rob Dale:

We’re happy to introduce you to some people that are in our community, in our network that we think are pretty good. We won’t recommend who you should speak to, but we’ll give you some suggestions for sure. Certainly, we’ll have Sherry’s information and contact Ways that you can contact her available in the show notes, but we can make available some other, people as well because we really do wanna help People take that journey together.

Eric Deschamps:

Absolutely. So thank you again, Sherry, for being on the show today. Thank you for our listeners, for tuning in. We remind you to please visit our website, living richly dot me, where you can find all of the episode show notes and all the links that we’re gonna post, about Sherry and her work so that you can contact her if you’d like to. And remember to like, share, and subscribe so you don’t miss any upcoming episodes, especially the one that will follow this one.

Rob Dale:

Next one’s gonna be great. So, yeah, definitely tune in for that. Thank you again for joining us. We wish you, just to continue to enjoy and and take your own journey to living your best life.