Awakening the True You

Eric Deschamps [00:00:00]:

You?

Rob Dale [00:00:01]:

Are you sick and tired of being told to show up more like your true self, but not even knowing what that means or even looks like? On today’s show, we are going to talk about five ways to live a more authentic life. Stay tuned. That’s coming up next.

Eric Deschamps [00:00:25]:

Hi, and welcome to the Living Richly podcast. My name is Eric Deshawn. I’m here with my really great friend Rob Dale and really excited about our show today. Rob, recently you were speaking at a national conference for one of our clients. We do a lot of public speaking as both part of Living Richly and Rhapsody strategies. And you brought up a really, really important topic that we’re going to dive into today.

Rob Dale [00:00:46]:

Yeah. And so great to have all of you tuning in. Thank you so much. Regardless of what platform you may be listening on or watching on on the YouTube channel, it’s so great to have you here as a part of. Yeah, as you mentioned, we do a lot of public speaking. We have a lot of opportunities to do that. And I was at an event recently, and they had asked me to come in and talk about how you show up and how you live your life kind of work life balance. They had three elements to that live, work, play, and how do you kind of bring them together. And they had asked me as the keynote speaker to come and bring those three together and to bring kind of an idea around this. And it was fun. I was able to joke around. I spoke to the facilitator beforehand because their whole premise was on how they were going to talk about the balance of these three. And the first line out of my mouth was, I think work life balance is bullshit.

Eric Deschamps [00:01:42]:

They weren’t expecting that.

Rob Dale [00:01:43]:

Yeah. And I sat down and they knew I was going to share that. And I talked about the idea that it’s not about finding balance in these things. It’s about finding the synergy, almost seeing them as a symphony where different times, work or life, these things come in. The important thing is how do you show up in each of these? If you can show up authentically, regardless of whether you’re at work, whether you’re at play, doing other things in life, if you’re able to come in as your true authentic self, you’re not going to be so focused in on, oh, I need so many hours of play, so many hours of work. You’re not going to look at it that way if you’re coming into every place with your own energy of who you are. And so that was kind of the gist of what the talk was going to be about.

Eric Deschamps [00:02:32]:

That’s so great. I mean, so many of our recent guests that have been on the show. Right back from Steve and Jason and Susan just last week talking about showing up authentically and how they spent so many years of their lives and we’ve even shared in our own stories, spending so many years of our lives not living as our true self. And I love the approach of tying that into the whole subject of work life balance, because, again, I do think that’s a skewed perspective. I think of work life balance, and the image that always comes to mind is some guy walking on a high wire over Niagara Falls, and one false move and he’s going to fall to his death. I think it really is about figuring out who you are so that whether you’re at work, you’re at home, you’re at play, you are being more true to yourself. Right. But it’s a big subject, and I’m looking forward to diving in it with you, too.

Rob Dale [00:03:21]:

Yeah, me too. It’s interesting because it’s like we’re playing different roles depending on where we are, right? And for many people, that’s exactly the case. They’re a certain person when they’re at work. They’re a certain person when they’re with their significant other. They’re another person when they’re with their kids or with their friends. And they’ve got all these roles, and it gets so tiring and maybe confusing to figure out, okay, so which role am I playing right now? And how do I function in that role? And then our identity gets caught up in our role rather than in our authentic self.

Eric Deschamps [00:03:57]:

Right.

Rob Dale [00:03:57]:

And the longer we do this, the more we play the game of the role based on where we are, the further we get away from that true identity.

Eric Deschamps [00:04:09]:

Right. It’s like playing being a character actor on stage, right? We’re wearing masks, and we’re playing roles, trying to live up to, again, the expectations of what we think is required of us in that role. And I loved what Kelly Flanagan mentioned when he talked about the word shame and how sometimes shame isn’t someone saying something really negative to you. Shame also shows up when you show up a certain way, and people give you all kinds of affirmation and adulation for showing up that way. So you start to tell yourself, you start to believe that if I show up that way, people will like me more and people will accept me more. And so, again, we’re playing these roles, and we’re adopting these various personas, but they’re not really who we are naturally, and we’ve seen it and we’ve experienced it. What if you’re a certain way at work and that’s a stage that you play on, and you’re a certain role in that, and you lose your job? Who are you now? Right? Or what if your marriage falls apart? There’s a high risk of that. I mean, lots of marriages go the distance. Lots of them don’t. But if your identity is wrapped up in the role that you play as a husband, as a wife, as a partner, again, if you lose that, what’s left? And I think this is why a lot of folks are so reeled by life circumstances, is because, again, think of if your kids aren’t doing well. Right. You’ve got older kids, I got older kids. I got one that’s still a teenager. If my whole identity was wrapped into being a dad, well, that’s great when things are going well. Right. But what if something happens and something’s not going well with one of your kids?

Rob Dale [00:05:49]:

Well, you go to any kind of an event. We do a lot of, of course, networking events or around individuals. But even in some social circles, when you are meeting people for the first time, what’s one of the first questions that they typically ask?

Eric Deschamps [00:06:03]:

What do you do? Yeah.

Rob Dale [00:06:04]:

Right. And it’s like your identity is wrapped up in what you do in the different types of the hats that you wear throughout the course of a day. And we lose ourselves in that. And there’s some real danger of it. It’s interesting because we often play that role out of a desire to be liked and be accepted and all that. But we know this is that the long term results of not showing up authentically, one of the first things is your self esteem. Esteem is actually lowered right. That you become less confident in who you really are. We talk radical acceptance. It’s very difficult to accept yourself when you’re constantly playing a role for other people. It’s one of the biggest challenges long term to not showing up authentically.

Eric Deschamps [00:06:51]:

Yeah. That erosion of your self worth. Because the more you play these roles, the less you think your true self is good enough.

Rob Dale [00:07:00]:

Right.

Eric Deschamps [00:07:00]:

So you begin to buy into that lie, the other one, when we’re not living authentically, I think, and I certainly experienced this for so many years, is like living in constant under constant stress and with constant anxiety that the truth will get found out. That somehow, if I’m not careful, if I let my guard down, that people are going to discover who I really am, not who I am when I’m in this role or on stage or performing this function. But they’re going to figure out who Eric really is, and they’re not going to like what they see. And so, so much energy goes to preserving and upholding and propping up these false images of ourselves, the false self, that there’s barely any energy left for anything else. Right. And it starts to impact all of your relationships.

Rob Dale [00:07:48]:

In our business coaching world, probably one of the number one things that we hear from business leaders all the time is the suffer of the imposter syndrome.

Eric Deschamps [00:07:59]:

Right.

Rob Dale [00:07:59]:

And to your point about the anxiety, the anxiety that is created around this notion of if they ever find out that I’m not really that person, it’s so interesting. So then how do you find that way? And how do you move that way forward? Relationships suffer as a result of trying to play these roles. I just finished reading Kelly Flanagan’s book, The Unhiding, and such a powerful novel.

Eric Deschamps [00:08:26]:

I haven’t gotten to that one yet.

Rob Dale [00:08:28]:

It’s next time I read and I’ll tell last. Just on the weekend, I finished the last chapter of it and sat on the couch as I was finishing it, tears in my eyes, just this hit of how he lands that. But almost the entire book is the story of this guy who is unable to show up authentically, and it costs him throughout most of the story, it costs him his relationship, his wife, who leaves because of this and all of the challenge of coming to learn that people get so frustrated. I just want to know you, and I want to connect with you, but we’re not able to demonstrate and show that who we are.

Eric Deschamps [00:09:10]:

Well, think about two people trying to connect in a relationship of any sort, and if both are projecting some false self in hopes that that’s what the other person will resonate with, what you’re building is a relationship really based on a lie. It’s not reality. Right? So if I’m showing up and I did this for so many years in my relationship, showing up a certain way, acting a certain way again, trying to meet that need in my life to be accepted, to be loved, for someone to tell me that I was okay because deep down, I didn’t believe I was okay. I thought I was fatally flawed. So I am showing up a certain way, giving and going over the top, and yet that’s not really me. And yet that’s what they’re attaching to. And what I’m attaching to and responding to them is probably a version of the truth, but not the real truth. And we wonder why then we have so many problems in relationships and why it’s probably the greatest cause of heartache in the human race is relational problems, right? Relational breakdowns. It can be so significant. If only we learned to be more authentic, then we would actually attract and draw and connect more authentically and live a much healthier years ago.

Rob Dale [00:10:24]:

Year ago, a couple of years ago, you recommended a book to me, Attachment, and where it speaks about that exactly, about these different things that we show in the midst of that. The more we play the role, the more we kind of do the dance and all of this, the less satisfied we are. The contentment disappears, and we feel that emptiness, and we hear it from people all the time. You’ve shared it in your story, right? The big smile on your face. Look at you. You’re always smiling, and you must be so happy, and yet there’s no happiness inside. I’ve been there. We both experienced that. That notion of just absolutely loss of fulfillment, of just a loss of contentment over the course of I don’t even know who I am anymore because of that.

Eric Deschamps [00:11:12]:

Right? Well, it’s a zero sum game. The harder you work at trying to satisfy and live up to these expectations and it’s not really who you are. It’s out of alignment with who you really are. The more you invest, the less you reap, the more you put in, the less you get out. And I think we spend the greater part of our twenty s, thirty s, even into our 40s, trying to out hustle it and out muscle it. And we’ve used that language before, but we haven’t got it yet. So we know something’s not working, but we just double our efforts, right? We just double down and say, I’m just not working hard enough at this. But then when everything is said and done and we’re off stage and the masks come off, all we’re left with often is a very hollow version of ourselves. A very hollow, empty, unsatisfied life because we have been putting the needs of everyone else and their expectations. At least we believed that’s what we needed to do. And yet it’s what’s interesting, is we always think we’re the only one. And yet you talk to people and they start to recognize, oh, me too, me too. And I’m like, well, hey, how about all the toos come together and say, enough with the bullshit. How about we just start showing up as our true selves and think rob of the energy, the energy that’s required just to get through a normal day, right? I mean, we all have lots going on, especially if you’re a parent and you’ve got a busy career and you’ve got a relationship, you got friend, you’ve got all these things going on in your life that require tremendous energy. Every time you put up a false self, that self requires energy to keep up and propped up for others to see. And I know for me, when I talk about my burnouts and I went through three of them, like I said, slow learner. A big part of that was trying to keep all of these false personas up and running, right? Keep these false fronts from crumbling down in front of people. And so I think one of the leading cause of burnout is exactly what we’re talking about.

Rob Dale [00:13:11]:

It really is. And it’s interesting because it often takes it’s that build up and that build up and the build up. We have all heard of midlife crisis. Oh, that person’s going through a midlife cris and we don’t really understand what midlife crisis is. Midlife crisis is when that true, authentic self finally is screaming so loud enough and you cannot make the connection anymore with what you built up as the persona. Something gives, right? And something cracks. And it may not be a burnout, a severe burnout where somebody is completely off the grid for a season, but it may, it often is. But that moment where all of a sudden we hit that crisis, that time where it’s like it is time to make the shift, right? And the freedom and we heard this with Susan, even last episode, where she talks about the idea of the freedom to be her. I forget to wear her freaky cape. Yeah. Which I’m really curious to see this.

Eric Deschamps [00:14:12]:

Cape get her back on the show.

Rob Dale [00:14:15]:

Exactly. But the notion of that freedom to come into that when I’m speaking at the event and I’m talking about this, I said, it doesn’t mean that I still don’t. In preparing for this talk, or even while I’m doing the talk, while I’m on the stage, there’s about 150 people in this room. I’m up there thinking, I really hope these people like me. I really hope they like what I’m saying. I hope they think this is great. And they’re doing this thing where you can add comments and there’s this feedback, and these things would pop up on the screen, the comments or whatever. And I’m like, that’s a lot of pressure happening live. They would pop up as soon as you were done, so you didn’t get off the stage yet, and you got to see the feedback. And I was joking around, so I was joking as I’m talking, saying, Please like me. Please like me. And I had my nice shoes on. I was like, Put a post on about how great Rob’s shoes are or whatever. I’m doing good. But the idea is that the difference is that my day doesn’t rise or fall with the need for them to like what I did, right? And even if I got up there and completely bleep the bed, shit the.

Eric Deschamps [00:15:23]:

Bed.

Rob Dale [00:15:26]:

I would still get up and be okay.

Eric Deschamps [00:15:28]:

Right? I mean, you would feel this thing of that. You would feel the disappointment of that. But when you realize that your true self is more than the things that you do, the roles that you play, the projects that you work on I remember putting out a post on social media, and it got so much traction. All I said was, you are more than your work. Right. We put so much I know we play a lot of roles, but let’s face it, this is a role that we invest eight or 9 hours a day, five days a week, typically into. And we put so much of our value and our worth and our sense of self rides on how we do in that particular role.

Rob Dale [00:16:06]:

Before the episode, we were chatting and you used an analogy of a tree in a forest.

Eric Deschamps [00:16:11]:

Yeah. Well, think about it. Like, think of a large tree in a forest and how it doesn’t give a fuck about anything else than being a tree. It’s not trying to be a rock. It’s not trying to be a river. It’s not trying to be a flower. It’s a tree. And it just owns that completely. And it’s not consumed or obsessed about, well, what if my roots show, my gnarly roots show or what are people going to think when in the fall, my leaves start to fall off and in the winter I’m kind of bare and don’t really have any sign of life until the spring. It understands that this is all part of the cycle and it just owns it. It just owns it.

Rob Dale [00:16:46]:

And even with that, I think the bird comes and builds a nest in that tree. And to the bird, the tree is a house.

Eric Deschamps [00:16:53]:

Right.

Rob Dale [00:16:55]:

To a caterpillar, the tree is nutrition.

Eric Deschamps [00:16:58]:

Right. And to a lumberjack, well, they see.

Rob Dale [00:17:03]:

It as something different. The tree doesn’t change its identity based on how others that’s right.

Eric Deschamps [00:17:09]:

It plays all these roles for other creatures, to your point, but it doesn’t change its essence, as I am a tree and you think of that large tree and drought may come. Right. We’ve just recently gone through a bit of a dry season here in Ontario and lots of forest fires. And the you know, many of the trees, if they weren’t impacted by fire, they’re still standing. They have the ability to withstand quite severe environmental conditions. And when a storm comes, yes, sometimes we’ll see old unhealthy trees get knocked down, but the healthy ones typically remain standing. So this notion of standing tall in your truth, standing tall in who you are and owning who you are and not being ashamed of who you are, which I love to be able to say it with such conviction now, because for so many years, this is a topic I would avoid. Because as soon as it was raised, when people talk about authenticity, when they talked about being your true selfless and I wasn’t deliberately trying to it’s not like I was a con artist trying to deliberately make people believe something different to my own selfish ends. This was not a malicious play on my part, and I don’t think it’s a malicious play for most people. We know that there are a segment of the population that they would be malicious in its essence. But it’s more we feel we need to play these roles in order to fit in, and that this is what society expects of us. And it’s only when we’re willing to one acknowledge that that approach isn’t working for me. Thank you very much to your point. My self esteem is taking a hit. I’m more stressed and more anxious. Right. My sense of satisfaction and fulfillment is at an all time low. I feel like I’m burning out from burning the candle at both ends trying to meet all of these expectations. How about I remember at the beginning of the year, we often talk about what’s the saying when a new year rolls in? New year. New you right. That’s kind of the famous language around New Year’s resolutions. And I’m like, well, what about New Year? True you what if you actually just started rather than trying to build a new version of yourself? Started to just own who you really are, authentically. And that’s what we want to jump into.

Rob Dale [00:19:18]:

We want to jump into that. And so it was fun. I spoke at this event, so I started out the conversation by just saying, work life balance is bullshit. And that the notion of showing up as your true self in every situation, that that’s where you find the richest life. That’s when you start to be able to live your best life. And so I kind of jokingly did to the crowd is I said, So just be authentic. And then I turned to sit down, and I even said I said, Cue the standing ovation and applause, and everybody laughed. The point I’m trying to make here is how often do we hear that? I don’t think there’s anyone listening or anyone that we would have a conversation with if we said, hey, it’s important for you to be authentic, where they’d be like, really? Wow. Thanks. I never heard that before. Right? It’s overused. It’s so often used that we will say something like that almost glib, where half the time the person saying it doesn’t even understand what it means.

Eric Deschamps [00:20:25]:

It becomes like, yet another buzzword, right, where it’s in the popular people are talking about it. It’s being talked about more than it used to be, but then it becomes just that buzword, that’s hollow of any.

Rob Dale [00:20:38]:

Real mean, dare I say, for some people, it’s another role they play, right?

Eric Deschamps [00:20:42]:

There you go.

Rob Dale [00:20:43]:

They’re playing a role of authenticity without truly being authentic.

Eric Deschamps [00:20:48]:

Right?

Rob Dale [00:20:48]:

Because, again, they’re doing it for whatever other reasons. So we want to talk today about the five steps that I provided for this audience. They come out of the living richly model in many ways, but we want to talk about those and how people can truly learn to be authentic regardless of whether work, life, or play. And the first step on that model is one that the language around it is language that you really provided, that you set the stage with. And I embrace it so much, I moved away from saying practice self acceptance to practicing radical self acceptance. Radical self acceptance in the context of authenticity.

Eric Deschamps [00:21:31]:

Go, well, listen, when you think about it, the reason that at the time I came up with that language was so meaningful for me, and I think it became meaningful for us and to many of our listeners is we are so far away from self acceptance. So many of us. Again, when you think of how we chase affirmation, we chase belonging, we chase worthiness. We’re chasing these sunsets every day. We’re so far from a place of actually accepting who we are, embracing who we are, that it seems like nothing short of radical will do that. In order to turn the tide, in order to make the shift, we have to embrace this notion of, I may not be able to do this overnight. I don’t think anyone comes to radical self acceptance in a moment, sometimes not even in a few moments. I think it’s over time. But as we practice the art of loving ourselves, highlighting what we’re happy about being able to identify our strengths and rejoice in that instead of always looking at what’s missing or what’s falling short or what doesn’t measure up, all of a sudden, when we start to do that, we begin to one recognize who we are. I think a lot of us don’t, really. I remember the exercise where Jim years ago and Jim was just on the show recently, jim Harrington, and he asked me to write I want you to write 20 things about yourself that you’re thankful for or that you love about yourself or something. And I remember I struggled to groan out three and could come up with no more because, again, my view of myself was so twisted. Now, not everyone is going to be in that kind of place, but I think most of us fail to recognize the genius that’s there the beauties, that’s there the strengths that are there. Why? Because we’re not looking inward. And when I say that, not in a selfish way. But I think we’re so focused on comparing ourselves with others and comparing ourselves to the shoulds, musts, and have tos, that society imposes, culture imposes, family impose, that we’re so used to doing that, that no matter how we look at ourselves, it’s usually in a deficit position. I fall short, I’m not enough. I don’t make the cut. And so I think it starts with one being able to counter that for so many.

Rob Dale [00:23:44]:

And I know you can relate to this. We have very similar stories, but I just believe that if I worked hard enough, if I served enough, if I gave enough, if I loved enough, that people would like me. And all I found was the harder I work, the more people wanted me to work harder, right. The more I gave, the people would want more. How I loved. You don’t love me enough. It just became this vicious cycle of just. And all of it was because I was trying to get the affirmation and the acceptance of others. When I began to practice radical self acceptance, and that really turning the focus inward, all of a sudden, my behavior outward stemmed out of my own acceptance, and I didn’t need the acceptance of someone else in order to do that. And that’s why it’s so critical. You will not be able to show up authentically at work, at play, in any area of life, if you don’t first embrace love at the core of who you are. Who you are, and being able to embrace that first and foremost.

Eric Deschamps [00:24:49]:

Yeah, 100%. And I think you’ve been so good with our guests as of late. One of the questions you often are asking them when they’re with us, sharing their journey, is asking them to identify some of the scripts that they’ve had to rewrite. And when we talk about scripts, we’re talking about belief systems, we’re talking about what is the self talk that goes through your mind and what are those? I think I use the language first on super scripts. Right. What are the ones that of all the lies you tell yourself, of all the negative things you believe about yourself? I think most human beings have to overcome four or five superscripts. These are truths. Well, they’re not truths. They’re false notions of who you are and how the world works. But they twist your ability to interact with reality in a healthy way. They really do rob you of that abundant life. Talk to us about maybe about that for you.

Rob Dale [00:25:43]:

And sometimes those scripts are screaming at you, right. Sometimes those scripts are whispering at you. Sometimes they’re not making any sound. Right. They’re so embedded, they’re standing in the.

Eric Deschamps [00:25:54]:

Background, tapping their foot, looking at you. judgmentally. Exactly.

Rob Dale [00:25:57]:

And they’re telling you, if you behave that way, people think you’re silly. If you act if you do that, people are going to not take you seriously, whatever it is. But they’re constantly there telling, oh, you need to do that differently, or you screwed up on that. All of those scripts and all of those things. And the thing to realize is that the first part, no matter what the script is, is to recognize that it’s not true, to begin to turn into that inner voice, the inner critic, and be able to say, you’re a liar.

Eric Deschamps [00:26:29]:

Right.

Rob Dale [00:26:29]:

Now, I know that. I love the language you use about telling the inner critic to take a walk.

Eric Deschamps [00:26:35]:

You’re fired.

Rob Dale [00:26:36]:

Before you can even do that, you have to challenge the inner critic.

Eric Deschamps [00:26:41]:

When you talk about your inner critic, think about it. If you’re a business leader or a business owner, you don’t fire good employees. It’s hard to find and keep good help. You’re going to want to keep those people employed. You fire employees that after if they’re not doing their job and you’ve tried to correct the behavior and it’s not working, that’s usually who you let go. The reason people keep their inner critic around is because they think it’s doing a good job. They believe what that inner critic is saying.

Rob Dale [00:27:09]:

Right.

Eric Deschamps [00:27:10]:

And so many leaders that I know, actually, when I try to encourage them to be kinder on themselves and to challenge some of those scripts will tell me, but Eric, I’m successful because I’m so hard on myself. And I say, yes, it will provide you that result for a time, but you’re operating on toxic fuel. That stuff will burn you over time. And it’s learning to not just silence the inner critic, but awaken your inner champion, learning to be not just one who doesn’t beat yourself up, but actually builds yourself up. You become your own primary caregiver in that respect. And part of that. Is challenging those scripts. And I know you told in your story to overcoming some pretty powerful superscripts.

Rob Dale [00:27:51]:

Yeah. And those scripts will imprison you. Right. And so one of the superscripts that imprisoned me was that I am cursed. And I won’t go through all of the details again. Encourage people to jump in on the episode called Death Found Me, in which I share a lot more of my story. But I went through so much where I saw whether it was dad in prison and aunts and uncles who were killed for plane crash and murdered, and my own daughter passing, my mom dying of cancer, all of the experiences, and I believed I was cursed. And as a result of that SuperScript, I would keep people at a distance, or if they got close, I would sabotage those relationships before they hurt me. I would cause the relationship to come to an end. And for me, when I rewrote that script and I began to say and this took the work of Sherry in helping us, sherry Kane, who we’ll have on the show, dr. Sherry Kane. As I began to rewrite that script from I’m not cursed. I’m blessed.

Eric Deschamps [00:28:52]:

Right?

Rob Dale [00:28:52]:

And I began to look at all of the life that was in not the death, but the life around me and the people, the incredible kids and a wonderful partner who just embraces and accepts all of this came but it came out of rewriting that script. Now, the scripts that control my life, that are in my life, free me rather than imprison me.

Eric Deschamps [00:29:14]:

Right? Well, we tell ourselves a story, and we’ve talked about this before, that you cannot act for any length of time. You cannot act in a way that is contrary to what you believe. Your actions are a revelation of your beliefs. What I believe, I will do. And so if I believe that I’m no good, if I believe that I don’t measure up, if I believe that I’m a terrible husband, if I believe whatever, like, fill in the blank for yourself. Those scripts, those half truths, those distortions of reality create distortions in your behavior. They create distortions in your relationships. They create distortions right. In the time space continuum. No, just kidding.

Rob Dale [00:29:54]:

Could be.

Eric Deschamps [00:29:55]:

We don’t know. Right? Who knows? There could be a disturbance happening right now. I feel a disturbance in the forest.

Rob Dale [00:30:01]:

I’m feeling something.

Eric Deschamps [00:30:02]:

I’m feeling something like I should probably move on. But the point is, these beliefs, these false beliefs, they’re influencing everything that we say and do and think. And so when we talk about living authentically, are you living authentically if the very beliefs that you are basing your decisions, your thoughts, your actions on are actually half truths and lies? So to begin the work of being your true self, part of that work, one, yes. Accepting yourself, doing this work kindly, with compassion, right. But beginning to dismantle the lies. Right. I love that you also talked about, from what you told me when you were talking with this audience at this national conference, speaking in front of about 150 people, that then you went to values, what matters most, our values.

Rob Dale [00:30:54]:

We talk about whether it’s in an organization or in our personal life. Your values are your compass. Regardless of the journey you’re on, regardless of where it’s so. Even when you talk about whether you are showing up at work or showing up at play, showing up at the day to day life, your values are the compass that guide you in whatever it is that you’re doing and figuring out what matters most for you. If you don’t figure out what matters most for you, you will live your life by what others define as what matters. You will live by other people’s values, by other people’s priorities, and you will constantly be in a place of frustration with that, right?

Eric Deschamps [00:31:33]:

Because, listen, let’s face it, people are looking out for number if, and I know our listeners will have heard us talk about the importance of figuring out their values and figure out what matters most. We talk about it so frequently, and I think Anastasia was the one who spoke about it most recently when she made the famous line, figure out what really matters and then protect that shit. I’m paraphrasing, but that was basically what she said. The reality is, if you’re listening to the episode right now or you’re watching here on YouTube, no one can do this work for you. Until you get clear about what matters most for you, you will continue to live according to someone else’s agenda. And let me tell you, there’s no more miserable way to live because every human being on the planet is inherently self centered. And I’m not saying that in a negative way or whatever, but we are wired, programmed to look out for number one. So if I am expecting others or someone else to figure out this all important work of determining what is it that really matters for Eric, I’m going to be sorely disappointed. I’m going to be sorely. I’ve got to do the work, you’ve got to do the work, you’ve got to do the work, what matters most? And then turn the volume up on.

Rob Dale [00:32:49]:

And to give us an example of that, one of the values that I hold to is connection. It’s a notion of community. And so it’s regardless of what community I’m a part of, when I connect in a community, I’m like all in the people that are part of the gym that I a little weird, actually. It’s wonderful. You love it. And this is the funny part, right? Because I’ll use it using the gym as an example. I’m like the biggest cheerleader at that gym sometimes I’m at recently. They do kind of this specialty.

Eric Deschamps [00:33:20]:

No one loves orange fitness like you do, right?

Rob Dale [00:33:22]:

Well, there’s a specialty workout that they’re doing. And I can’t do it because I’m injured. But I’m there just cheering on other people at one point. A couple of people, totally. I’m not the only one. I’ve got others. We’re running up and down in the gym with these flags just cheering everybody on as they’re trying to run five K on the tread and then doing 2000 meters row. We’re just encouraging on. And some people will look at that and go, man, dude, you’re over the top. Damn right I’m over the top. Because I’m embracing this community and I’m just going to love it and live it and just experience it because it’s living out of my value. So is it work? Is it play? It doesn’t matter. It’s just me being me in that place and in that moment and talk about freedom, when you are able to.

Eric Deschamps [00:34:09]:

Do that and you’re doing that not because you’re feeling pressured too. You’re not doing that because you think it’s expected of you. You’re not doing that to fit in. You’re not doing that to be part of the crowd. You’re not doing that to be loved.

Rob Dale [00:34:20]:

I’m just having fun.

Eric Deschamps [00:34:21]:

You’re having fun and you’re experiencing that true joy. And that what we call living richly, dynamic. Why? Because you are being true. You in that moment. There is a principle that you talk about frequently in so many of our conversations, and that is the fourth principle we want to talk about today, which is identifying and focusing on what’s within your control. Can you say a few words?

Rob Dale [00:34:46]:

It is amazing to me how many people in fact, I read a study not that long ago and as I was preparing for this talk, somewhere around 90% of the things that the average person focuses their attention and energy on are things that are outside of their control, right? That they have no ability to be able to control. They might be able to influence some of those things, but they can’t control them. But we put so much time and we put so much energy worrying about things that are outside our control. Will I get that promotion? You can’t control it. You could influence it. You can’t control it. Will that person like me, you can’t control that. You can influence it. You can’t control it. What are the things when we look at what is within my control, it’s all internal. It’s me, right? It’s my thinking, it’s how I show up. All of that and people that truly live fully out richly and their fullest life and live authentically means I’m going to show up focusing in on the things that I have within my control. I’m going to show up with the energy that I bring. I’m going to show up with the attitude that I have. All of these things are within my control. And that’s the key to being able to so now you go into any situation and something happens that’s outside of your control. You don’t lose your shit over that. It doesn’t send you on a tailspin because you recognize that’s not within my control. What is in my control right now is how I react to that.

Eric Deschamps [00:36:11]:

Right, exactly. I mean, if you want the most miserable job in the world, try being in charge of changing other people. Try taking control over that process. I remember the most freeing day, one of the most freeing days in my life was when I gave up being the general manager of the universe. Right. Where you feel so invested in so many things that, to your point, I.

Rob Dale [00:36:31]:

Didn’T even notice the day that you did that.

Eric Deschamps [00:36:33]:

No, it didn’t make any difference at all. I obviously wasn’t doing a very good job. I wasn’t being very relevant in the role. But the point is, we devote so much energy to things that we can’t shift. And we’re not advocating being heartless or being not caring about world events or not caring about situations that are horrible. But it’s about the amount of energy we’re going to then devote to that or invest in that, recognizing that we may not be able to shift it, when in reality, the best investment of that energy could be used in areas where we can actually affect a change, where we can move the needle, where we can make a difference. But often by the time we get done spending our energy on these bigger issues, we’ve got barely anything left. And so then the people around us, our loved ones, our children, our coworkers, they get our leftovers. Why? Because that’s all we’ve got left. We’re running on fumes now, one of.

Rob Dale [00:37:21]:

The ladies listening to the talk that I did came up to me right afterwards, and they had a question around, well, are you saying they brought up the thing about being controlling the things that are within your control? And they said her comment was, well, you can’t really control the environment, so are you saying you shouldn’t try? And that’s where, again, and neither one of us are saying that it’s where we’re saying is we focus on what we can what I can control is my part of that. I can influence.

Eric Deschamps [00:37:50]:

I can choose to recycle. I could choose to right, like, use less.

Rob Dale [00:37:55]:

I can encourage others to do the same. So, again, it’s not that we’re saying to you from what you just said there, but it’s not that we’re saying you hide your head in the sand and you ignore all of the world events or one of my core values is fairness. And how I show up is I’m very much an advocate for those who don’t have a voice.

Eric Deschamps [00:38:13]:

Right.

Rob Dale [00:38:14]:

Because I recognize that. So I will speak up and defend and protect communities that maybe don’t have the same voice or the luxury that I have as a white male.

Eric Deschamps [00:38:25]:

Right.

Rob Dale [00:38:25]:

And so I want to be able to do that and to stand with others. But so you can influence you just can’t control that’s.

Eric Deschamps [00:38:31]:

Right? So just be mindful of how much energy you’re giving to those things, right, and devote your energy where it matters most. And the last principle that you talked about that day we were speaking at that conference was then right out of the Living Richly model, which is one of the part of quadrant. It’s like the fourth part of the quadrant model is right there, number four, which is create rituals that serve you. And I like the language you use there. Rituals that serve you.

Rob Dale [00:38:56]:

Yeah, there’s so oftentimes our rituals end up controlling us. Rather than serving us, we want to have rituals that serve us. Those habits, those practices that align our values with the things that matter in our life, the things that enrich our life. And the more we prioritize our rituals, the more authentic we can show up in every space, no matter what that space might be. And I found it helpful, and it was you that helped me guide in this. And again, with the model of being able to organize my rituals into the four elements model, which is the whole living ritually model. And I certainly look at that, and I’m asking myself often the questions around what are my rituals that help enrich the relationships in my life? What are the rituals that help enrich my health, my body, my mind, and my spirit? And the more that I’m practicing those, the more I’m able to now show up authentically in everything in life.

Eric Deschamps [00:39:50]:

Right. And those rituals, when you say that that serve you, these are not again, you’re not doing them. You’re not engaging in them because you feel pressure or social pressure or you’re feeling that you’re going to let someone down if you don’t do this again. If it’s not driven by a personal desire about what matters for me and being my authentic self means that these things are the things that make me happy and help me be healthy at all levels. That’s what’s going to keep you motivated. I mean, think of how many people try to join the gym every year, right after Christmas, right after New Year’s, and they’re doing it often out of for all the wrong reasons as opposed to all the right reasons. What if you chose rituals and practices that you actually enjoy, that are actually meaningful to you, that are true to you, and don’t give in to dogma and pressure and well, just because it works for this person and they’re really a big fan of it. And they’re trying to convert you to their methodology or their diet or their exercise routine or regimen. You got to figure out what matters for you, man. When we talk about being true to you, it truly is that. Does this resonate with you? And if not, it’s okay to say, no, thank you. That doesn’t work for me. And even if you get some blowback for that, the short term blowback you may experience from that is a lot less than the long term effects of trying to, again, live somebody else’s life or live according to somebody else’s expectations where you are denying yourself and trying to be someone else.

Rob Dale [00:41:23]:

Stop focusing on work life balance. Stop focusing in on how many hours am I doing this and what am I doing this? What am I doing this? Focus in on showing up authentically. No matter what the task is, no matter what the role is, no matter what it is, showing up authentically in each and every one of those situations sets you free from all of that expectation, the demand, and allows you to truly live your best life well.

Eric Deschamps [00:41:55]:

I don’t think of any better words to end the episode on than that. Word of encouragement. I was going to ask you for it and you just did it beautifully. Folks, we want to remind you that if you’re enjoying the show and you’re really benefiting from these conversations, we ask you to, like, subscribe share, make sure to leave testimonials where it makes sense. We love those five star reviews and they certainly help with getting the word out about the living richly message.

Rob Dale [00:42:18]:

And check out the website Livingrichly Me act. You’ll find all kinds of great resources there. We’ve been mentioning we’ve launched some coaching opportunities if you’re looking to have some support as you begin to work through all of the steps to living authentically in every situation.

Eric Deschamps [00:42:37]:

Folks, we thank you again for joining us. We’re so grateful that you tune in every week. And until we see you again next week, get out there and live your best life. Ram.